Bravery
Title: Bravery
Type: One-shot
Genre: Angst
Pairings: OT5
a/n: this was just really random. what i really wanted was to write a post-break up, ten years down the road kinda thing, but the argument just popped into my head and this happened ;_; i have to admit it's slightly homin-biased (i still support ot5 ofc) the news here and the comments here really pissed me off. wtf is left-shinki and stayed-shinki?! guh, i really want to write one proper post break up, in the future kinda thing though. someday, someday.
no beta, all mistakes are mine, do let me know if you see them though!
“I wanted to say answer this personally. I, myself, will tell you. There may have not been a lot but those sent text messages..do you know how hard it was to send them..I sent those text messages again so be sure to check.” - Jaejoong
source
“For two years and three months, I waited for those three friends. Since they’re still not here, I figured that someone had to protect ‘TVXQ’ instead of just continuing to wait. ‘TVXQ’ was created as a cumulative effort between a company named SM Entertainment, five members, and our fans. In order to make sure it would never be forgotten, we figured that this would be the best way to protect TVXQ.” -Yunho
"It was difficult. It hurt. I felt a sense of resentment against people. As opposed to hate, I was hurt. But I just accepted it all. Honestly, I didn’t have the time to harbor hate against anyone.” -Yunho
“Once, I met a little kid and I asked him who his favorite singer or group was, and he replied that he liked SNSD. When I asked whether he knew of TVXQ, he said that he didn’t. It may be because he’s young, but it felt disappointing because we weren’t promoting.”- Yunho
source
“In my darkest moments, I thought about TVXQ being forgotten. It’s true that we’re becoming more distant with those friends. We needed to solve this inner grudge but we hadn’t been in contact for such a long time, and as a leader of a group for 8 years, it hurt a lot.” -Yunho
source
It is the darkest before the dawn. Yunho stands at the balcony, flicking ash off his Marlboro Lights. There are no stars in the sky, and the weather is chilly. He looks down at his worn pair of yellow slippers. Yoochun's. He holds his cup of coffee for warmth. Junsu's dolphin cup.
"Hyung." Changmin.
Yunho turns around and smiles weakly at his dongsaeng. "Go back to sleep."
"Hyung." Again. A tone of disapproval.
"I'm okay." Yunho stubs out his cigarette. "Really." I will be okay.
Changmin stands in the living room, watching the back of Dong Bang Shin Ki's leader. It's not the first time. He wants to say something, he feels like he should say something, but he doesn't. The words have been said too many a times. It's too early and his body is exhausted like never before. He looks at the schedules on the dining table that Yunho had been flipping through a moment ago and shuffles back into his bedroom.
***
Never in his life did he imagine things would turn out this way -- this ugly, distorted mess of lies. Yunho remembers the scene very well. There are some parts in one's life, so significant, that one can remember everything about it ---the dialogue, the people, the weather, the smell of the air even.
It was right here, in the same balcony. Changmin was in the kitchen, reheating leftovers from dinner, Junsu and Yoochun was in the living room, pretending to watch the television. They never did watch the ten o'clock news anyway. They never even watched news.
"This is the time, Yunho-ah."
"What are you talking about."
"We have had this talk countless times before."
"I am not leaving."
"Yunho-ah." Jaejoong repeats. "Please."
"Don't go."
"We have to take this step. We have to be brave. We have to show them we can do this, without their help, i know we can. We just have to try. If we don't we'll always regret this."
"You mean you'll always regret this." Yunho stresses.
"So will Yoochun." Jaejoong turns and stares straight at Yunho.
Yunho doesn't speak. He should have known, he should have expected, why didn't he -
"And Junsu."
Yunho stops breathing. Not Junsu. "What the fuck." Yunho turns around and looks at Junsu. Junsu shakes his head and makes a move to towards the balcony but Yoochun holds him down. Yunho can see Yoochun's lips mouth: Don't.
"I haven't spoken to Changmin yet." Jaejoong says calmly, he expected a fiercer reaction. "But he already knows how i feel and i will ask him."
"Do you know what this means, for Dong Bang Shin Ki?" Yunho wants to scream, throttle Jaejoong at the moment, but he doesn't. He is Jung Yunho, leader of the Rising Gods of the East and he will handle this with as much class as he can muster.
Jaejoong avoids the question altogether. "If we all leave together, we'll be okay." He whispers softly.
Yunho gives a short demented laugh. "Really? Do you really think it's going to be that simple? Do you really think we can just throw the lawsuit in their faces and say 'Hey we've had enough of your bullshit and we are leaving now.'? You're too naive."
"So what? You're just going to be another one of the many artistes that SM has, and after that you'll just be a nobody!" Jaejoong nearly shrieks.
"Fuck you. We are fucking Dong Bang Shin Ki."
"Look who's naive now." Jaejoong smirks. Yunho knows he's right.
"How can you bear to destroy all that we've build up? You don't even fucking know what you're doing. I won't let you do that. I am not leaving." Yunho repeats. "And if i know Changmin," Yunho isn't sure anymore, not after Junsu's betrayal, "if know him, he won't leave too."
"Grow some balls, Jung Yunho."
"You think this is about being brave?"
"Is it not? All these years, all we've been through? You, of all people, should know all the shit we've had to go through! Leader-sshi."
"It's in the fucking con-" Yunho spits out.
"DON'T TELL ME IT'S IN THE FUCKING CONTRACT."
"YOU FUCKING SIGNED IT. WE ALL DID, OKAY? YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT WE WERE IN FOR!"
Changmin is now in the living room with Junsu and Yoochun. What's going on? Yunho can hear Changmin ask. Nothing, Junsu says. Yeah nothing, Yoochun repeats mechanically. Junsu tears up and Changmin stops eating.
"You're just too scared, Yunho. You don't dare to step out 'cause you don't know what awaits us. You think we'd crash and fall, but i have faith we won't. We have Cassiopeia."
Yunho stays silent, the mix of emotions threatening to explode, he feels like he shouldn't be saying things he will later regret, but at this point of time, he is past caring how Jaejoong might hurt. He knows now that no matter what he says, the lather's decision is final. This conversation should have ended earlier.
Yunho slides the balcony doors apart, pulling Jaejoong roughly back into the living room. All five of them are in the living room. "Tell Changmin what you are going to do."
"Hyung." Junsu croaks out. "Sorry." Yunho flinches, but he ignores Junsu. Sorry? Really?
"Tell him. I dare you to."
Jaejoong stares back at Yunho. "N-no, not like this."
"What exactly is going on?" Changmin says slowly. He knows some of them were unhappy of concert details and promotion schedules, but he didn't expect this.
"W-we are l-leaving."
Silence.
"What." Changmin presses his palms together. "What are you talking about?" Changmin repeats, as calmly as he can, even though his eyes were tearing up.
He should have known that Yunho would only raise his voice like that over an issue of such large scale. He looks at Yunho, looking utterly defeated and then he realises, really realises, that that was the conclusion. We are leaving.
Changmin tries to hold it all in. "Who's...we?" he asks quietly.
Nobody replies him. Changmin looks at his four hyungs, Yoochun holding Junsu as he sobs quietly, tears falling down Jaejoong's face and Yunho shaking at the side. And he knows.
Changmin stands up to leave.
"Changmin-ah." Jaejoong says, reaching out for his arm.
"DON'T TOUCH ME." Changmin says. "Fuck you." Changmin walks out of the house with as much courage as he can muster and slams the door.
They can hear him slump on the floor outside the door.
"This is your idea of being brave, Jaejoong-ah." Yunho smiles weakly, tears streaming down his face.
"Yunho-ah, i-i didn't wan-" Jaejoong breaks down.
Yunho gathers himself together, swiping his tears away. These were going to be his last words to his members. Ex-members.
"We were not oppressed. We were not bullied. We've had rough times, but that trained us to be who we are today. We have busy schedules and sometimes we fall ill, we tire of this life, we cry, but we would rather be like this than ever lose Dong Bang Shin Ki." Yunho pauses. "I would, at least."
"S-sometimes...bravery is not about just about pushing the boundaries and scaling new heights, it is not just about stepping out of your comfort zone and doing what you want to do. It is about living with the choices you make, and making the best out of what you already have. I am not scared to leave, even though i know it will be hard but i know Cassiopeia will be there for me." Yunho pauses again, and he smiles a small smile. "For you three."
"But i am not leaving because i don't need more than what i have now."
Because Dong Bang Shin Ki was all i ever needed.
***
His face is suddenly wet and Yunho realises that he had been crying. He hears Changmin opening his bedroom door and he swipes angrily at his face. Two years and three months, he ought to have put everything behind by now. But times like these still get to him. Yunho blinks, trying to think of recordings and rehearsals, trying to think of the success of their latest album, trying to think of good times, recent good times. He needs to find something to do again. He needs to be occupied. Schedule. Where was it?
He moves back to the dining table where Changmin is already seated and looking through the day's schedules. Yunho sits and stares at his pancake. He was hungry but he didn't really feel like eating.
"Eat some." Changmin says. It's his way of saying, are you alright?
"I'm fine." Yunho cuts the pancake into pieces that are way too small.
"I can get them to cancel the morning interview if you want to."
"No no no," Yunho smiles and shoves the pancake into his mouth, "I'm good. We can't afford-"
"Yunho." Changmin interrupts. "It's okay." I know you miss them.
Yunho doesn't reply for a long time.
"Are you still mad?"
"Are you not?"
"I'm-"
"More hurt than mad." Changmin finishes his pancake. "I know you are the most hurt, by everything that happened. And that makes me more mad than hurt."
"Changmin-ah-"
"You already know how i feel."
Yunho nods. The three have crossed the line and have gone too far for us to catch them. That's what he said himself, at the press conference.
Changmin reaches over and squeezes Yunho's hand. "We'll be okay." We've come this far.
Yunho smiles and squeezes back. Yes, we'll be okay. We have to be.
Type: One-shot
Genre: Angst
Pairings: OT5
a/n: this was just really random. what i really wanted was to write a post-break up, ten years down the road kinda thing, but the argument just popped into my head and this happened ;_; i have to admit it's slightly homin-biased (i still support ot5 ofc) the news here and the comments here really pissed me off. wtf is left-shinki and stayed-shinki?! guh, i really want to write one proper post break up, in the future kinda thing though. someday, someday.
no beta, all mistakes are mine, do let me know if you see them though!
“I wanted to say answer this personally. I, myself, will tell you. There may have not been a lot but those sent text messages..do you know how hard it was to send them..I sent those text messages again so be sure to check.” - Jaejoong
source
“For two years and three months, I waited for those three friends. Since they’re still not here, I figured that someone had to protect ‘TVXQ’ instead of just continuing to wait. ‘TVXQ’ was created as a cumulative effort between a company named SM Entertainment, five members, and our fans. In order to make sure it would never be forgotten, we figured that this would be the best way to protect TVXQ.” -Yunho
"It was difficult. It hurt. I felt a sense of resentment against people. As opposed to hate, I was hurt. But I just accepted it all. Honestly, I didn’t have the time to harbor hate against anyone.” -Yunho
“Once, I met a little kid and I asked him who his favorite singer or group was, and he replied that he liked SNSD. When I asked whether he knew of TVXQ, he said that he didn’t. It may be because he’s young, but it felt disappointing because we weren’t promoting.”- Yunho
source
“In my darkest moments, I thought about TVXQ being forgotten. It’s true that we’re becoming more distant with those friends. We needed to solve this inner grudge but we hadn’t been in contact for such a long time, and as a leader of a group for 8 years, it hurt a lot.” -Yunho
source
It is the darkest before the dawn. Yunho stands at the balcony, flicking ash off his Marlboro Lights. There are no stars in the sky, and the weather is chilly. He looks down at his worn pair of yellow slippers. Yoochun's. He holds his cup of coffee for warmth. Junsu's dolphin cup.
"Hyung." Changmin.
Yunho turns around and smiles weakly at his dongsaeng. "Go back to sleep."
"Hyung." Again. A tone of disapproval.
"I'm okay." Yunho stubs out his cigarette. "Really." I will be okay.
Changmin stands in the living room, watching the back of Dong Bang Shin Ki's leader. It's not the first time. He wants to say something, he feels like he should say something, but he doesn't. The words have been said too many a times. It's too early and his body is exhausted like never before. He looks at the schedules on the dining table that Yunho had been flipping through a moment ago and shuffles back into his bedroom.
***
Never in his life did he imagine things would turn out this way -- this ugly, distorted mess of lies. Yunho remembers the scene very well. There are some parts in one's life, so significant, that one can remember everything about it ---the dialogue, the people, the weather, the smell of the air even.
It was right here, in the same balcony. Changmin was in the kitchen, reheating leftovers from dinner, Junsu and Yoochun was in the living room, pretending to watch the television. They never did watch the ten o'clock news anyway. They never even watched news.
"This is the time, Yunho-ah."
"What are you talking about."
"We have had this talk countless times before."
"I am not leaving."
"Yunho-ah." Jaejoong repeats. "Please."
"Don't go."
"We have to take this step. We have to be brave. We have to show them we can do this, without their help, i know we can. We just have to try. If we don't we'll always regret this."
"You mean you'll always regret this." Yunho stresses.
"So will Yoochun." Jaejoong turns and stares straight at Yunho.
Yunho doesn't speak. He should have known, he should have expected, why didn't he -
"And Junsu."
Yunho stops breathing. Not Junsu. "What the fuck." Yunho turns around and looks at Junsu. Junsu shakes his head and makes a move to towards the balcony but Yoochun holds him down. Yunho can see Yoochun's lips mouth: Don't.
"I haven't spoken to Changmin yet." Jaejoong says calmly, he expected a fiercer reaction. "But he already knows how i feel and i will ask him."
"Do you know what this means, for Dong Bang Shin Ki?" Yunho wants to scream, throttle Jaejoong at the moment, but he doesn't. He is Jung Yunho, leader of the Rising Gods of the East and he will handle this with as much class as he can muster.
Jaejoong avoids the question altogether. "If we all leave together, we'll be okay." He whispers softly.
Yunho gives a short demented laugh. "Really? Do you really think it's going to be that simple? Do you really think we can just throw the lawsuit in their faces and say 'Hey we've had enough of your bullshit and we are leaving now.'? You're too naive."
"So what? You're just going to be another one of the many artistes that SM has, and after that you'll just be a nobody!" Jaejoong nearly shrieks.
"Fuck you. We are fucking Dong Bang Shin Ki."
"Look who's naive now." Jaejoong smirks. Yunho knows he's right.
"How can you bear to destroy all that we've build up? You don't even fucking know what you're doing. I won't let you do that. I am not leaving." Yunho repeats. "And if i know Changmin," Yunho isn't sure anymore, not after Junsu's betrayal, "if know him, he won't leave too."
"Grow some balls, Jung Yunho."
"You think this is about being brave?"
"Is it not? All these years, all we've been through? You, of all people, should know all the shit we've had to go through! Leader-sshi."
"It's in the fucking con-" Yunho spits out.
"DON'T TELL ME IT'S IN THE FUCKING CONTRACT."
"YOU FUCKING SIGNED IT. WE ALL DID, OKAY? YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT WE WERE IN FOR!"
Changmin is now in the living room with Junsu and Yoochun. What's going on? Yunho can hear Changmin ask. Nothing, Junsu says. Yeah nothing, Yoochun repeats mechanically. Junsu tears up and Changmin stops eating.
"You're just too scared, Yunho. You don't dare to step out 'cause you don't know what awaits us. You think we'd crash and fall, but i have faith we won't. We have Cassiopeia."
Yunho stays silent, the mix of emotions threatening to explode, he feels like he shouldn't be saying things he will later regret, but at this point of time, he is past caring how Jaejoong might hurt. He knows now that no matter what he says, the lather's decision is final. This conversation should have ended earlier.
Yunho slides the balcony doors apart, pulling Jaejoong roughly back into the living room. All five of them are in the living room. "Tell Changmin what you are going to do."
"Hyung." Junsu croaks out. "Sorry." Yunho flinches, but he ignores Junsu. Sorry? Really?
"Tell him. I dare you to."
Jaejoong stares back at Yunho. "N-no, not like this."
"What exactly is going on?" Changmin says slowly. He knows some of them were unhappy of concert details and promotion schedules, but he didn't expect this.
"W-we are l-leaving."
Silence.
"What." Changmin presses his palms together. "What are you talking about?" Changmin repeats, as calmly as he can, even though his eyes were tearing up.
He should have known that Yunho would only raise his voice like that over an issue of such large scale. He looks at Yunho, looking utterly defeated and then he realises, really realises, that that was the conclusion. We are leaving.
Changmin tries to hold it all in. "Who's...we?" he asks quietly.
Nobody replies him. Changmin looks at his four hyungs, Yoochun holding Junsu as he sobs quietly, tears falling down Jaejoong's face and Yunho shaking at the side. And he knows.
Changmin stands up to leave.
"Changmin-ah." Jaejoong says, reaching out for his arm.
"DON'T TOUCH ME." Changmin says. "Fuck you." Changmin walks out of the house with as much courage as he can muster and slams the door.
They can hear him slump on the floor outside the door.
"This is your idea of being brave, Jaejoong-ah." Yunho smiles weakly, tears streaming down his face.
"Yunho-ah, i-i didn't wan-" Jaejoong breaks down.
Yunho gathers himself together, swiping his tears away. These were going to be his last words to his members. Ex-members.
"We were not oppressed. We were not bullied. We've had rough times, but that trained us to be who we are today. We have busy schedules and sometimes we fall ill, we tire of this life, we cry, but we would rather be like this than ever lose Dong Bang Shin Ki." Yunho pauses. "I would, at least."
"S-sometimes...bravery is not about just about pushing the boundaries and scaling new heights, it is not just about stepping out of your comfort zone and doing what you want to do. It is about living with the choices you make, and making the best out of what you already have. I am not scared to leave, even though i know it will be hard but i know Cassiopeia will be there for me." Yunho pauses again, and he smiles a small smile. "For you three."
"But i am not leaving because i don't need more than what i have now."
Because Dong Bang Shin Ki was all i ever needed.
***
His face is suddenly wet and Yunho realises that he had been crying. He hears Changmin opening his bedroom door and he swipes angrily at his face. Two years and three months, he ought to have put everything behind by now. But times like these still get to him. Yunho blinks, trying to think of recordings and rehearsals, trying to think of the success of their latest album, trying to think of good times, recent good times. He needs to find something to do again. He needs to be occupied. Schedule. Where was it?
He moves back to the dining table where Changmin is already seated and looking through the day's schedules. Yunho sits and stares at his pancake. He was hungry but he didn't really feel like eating.
"Eat some." Changmin says. It's his way of saying, are you alright?
"I'm fine." Yunho cuts the pancake into pieces that are way too small.
"I can get them to cancel the morning interview if you want to."
"No no no," Yunho smiles and shoves the pancake into his mouth, "I'm good. We can't afford-"
"Yunho." Changmin interrupts. "It's okay." I know you miss them.
Yunho doesn't reply for a long time.
"Are you still mad?"
"Are you not?"
"I'm-"
"More hurt than mad." Changmin finishes his pancake. "I know you are the most hurt, by everything that happened. And that makes me more mad than hurt."
"Changmin-ah-"
"You already know how i feel."
Yunho nods. The three have crossed the line and have gone too far for us to catch them. That's what he said himself, at the press conference.
Changmin reaches over and squeezes Yunho's hand. "We'll be okay." We've come this far.
Yunho smiles and squeezes back. Yes, we'll be okay. We have to be.