late night ramblings
Love. God, I miss that feeling.
Dustin and I went out tonight...pool halls, night clubs, bars. Given the slump we've been in lately, getting out was supposed to help. Not at all. Dustin and I ended up arguing, he said something hurtful about my chaotic relationships, and I nearly struck him. He taunted me; I closed my eyes. He mocked my attempt at a zen-like state, reminding me of how much I wanted to strike him. However, I will not indulge my anger, no matter how upset I am. It is wrong. I called it an early night, even though I realize his attitude is just a mirror of his crummy week.
He is right, though; my personal life is a wreck. I've been what I call "serial dating" for the last year and a half--going on lots of dates with many different women with no commitment. I was enjoying it for the most part--until now.
It took Nicole, drunk off her ass, to call and tell me she loves me to break me down. Of course, everything is different the next day I call. She denies ever saying such a thing, bluntly stating she could never love me. I wasn't even going to touch that one. My concern was why she called me with such revelations while drunk, then turning around to play mind games with me. In the end, I decided the truth wasn't worth the heartache and told her off, ending any further conversations...hopefully.
I have thinking about my past, and all the relationships I have been in. None of them lasted, and the closest thing to love is Brenda...and we all know where that got me. I've had some bad experiences in dating, but I've learned from all of them.
Brenda...
We have so much history together it's crazy. I met you when I was still a boy--innocent, idealistic, and filled with love. We grew up together and found love in each other, growing closer with each passing day. We connected mentally, emotionally, and even on a powerful spiritual level. We had our ups and downs, yet we still managed to remain close. I never told anyone this before, but you were the milestone in my life...my choice to board a bus with all but a hundred bucks from my bank to see you forever changed me. Seeing each other face-to-face deepened the connection, and I can still say to date you are the best kiss I've ever had. You were my first in many, many things. We lost our virginity to each other, a decision I will never regret, no matter how much of a callous asshole I have become.
I left Waco a boy, but came home a man, and it had nothing to do with sex. It must have been an experience for you too, for you asked to get back together shortly after. We were together briefly, then you left. To this day I don't know why, but it doesn't matter anymore.
I saw the world in your eyes. My hopes and my dreams became attached to you, and it is only now I realize how much of a pressure that must have been. I am sorry.
I never hated you, no matter how fierce our fights became..and I still cannot bring myself to hatred. I apologize for such things, as they were the product of anger, jealousy, and fear.
The only thing that hurts now is the knowledge that I can die tomorrow and you won't feel anything. Your mind has paved over these emotions, and I am nothing more than an imperfection in the road you have set out now. I wish you the best of luck in that future, for you can have anything you want in the world.
I'm giving up on love.
Dustin and I went out tonight...pool halls, night clubs, bars. Given the slump we've been in lately, getting out was supposed to help. Not at all. Dustin and I ended up arguing, he said something hurtful about my chaotic relationships, and I nearly struck him. He taunted me; I closed my eyes. He mocked my attempt at a zen-like state, reminding me of how much I wanted to strike him. However, I will not indulge my anger, no matter how upset I am. It is wrong. I called it an early night, even though I realize his attitude is just a mirror of his crummy week.
He is right, though; my personal life is a wreck. I've been what I call "serial dating" for the last year and a half--going on lots of dates with many different women with no commitment. I was enjoying it for the most part--until now.
It took Nicole, drunk off her ass, to call and tell me she loves me to break me down. Of course, everything is different the next day I call. She denies ever saying such a thing, bluntly stating she could never love me. I wasn't even going to touch that one. My concern was why she called me with such revelations while drunk, then turning around to play mind games with me. In the end, I decided the truth wasn't worth the heartache and told her off, ending any further conversations...hopefully.
I have thinking about my past, and all the relationships I have been in. None of them lasted, and the closest thing to love is Brenda...and we all know where that got me. I've had some bad experiences in dating, but I've learned from all of them.
Brenda...
We have so much history together it's crazy. I met you when I was still a boy--innocent, idealistic, and filled with love. We grew up together and found love in each other, growing closer with each passing day. We connected mentally, emotionally, and even on a powerful spiritual level. We had our ups and downs, yet we still managed to remain close. I never told anyone this before, but you were the milestone in my life...my choice to board a bus with all but a hundred bucks from my bank to see you forever changed me. Seeing each other face-to-face deepened the connection, and I can still say to date you are the best kiss I've ever had. You were my first in many, many things. We lost our virginity to each other, a decision I will never regret, no matter how much of a callous asshole I have become.
I left Waco a boy, but came home a man, and it had nothing to do with sex. It must have been an experience for you too, for you asked to get back together shortly after. We were together briefly, then you left. To this day I don't know why, but it doesn't matter anymore.
I saw the world in your eyes. My hopes and my dreams became attached to you, and it is only now I realize how much of a pressure that must have been. I am sorry.
I never hated you, no matter how fierce our fights became..and I still cannot bring myself to hatred. I apologize for such things, as they were the product of anger, jealousy, and fear.
The only thing that hurts now is the knowledge that I can die tomorrow and you won't feel anything. Your mind has paved over these emotions, and I am nothing more than an imperfection in the road you have set out now. I wish you the best of luck in that future, for you can have anything you want in the world.
I'm giving up on love.