Beauty of the Forbidden - 11 (1/2)/? - Jonghyun x Kibum
Title: Beauty of the Forbidden
Paring: Jonghyun/Kibum, Jonghyun/Jessica
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17 (PG-13)
Genre: AU, romance, angst, smut
Chapter: Chapter 11, part one: The Perfect Life
Warnings: Pervy stuff?
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except from the plot.
Beta: kpoppets
Summary: Jonghyun is bored, Kibum is curious and lust is sinful
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Beauty of the Forbidden
Chapter 11, part one: The Perfect Life
It ended with a text message, a Friday night. Months of his life, a unique friendship, it was all gone with just two sentences and a click of a button.
This is over, I'm sorry. Take care.
Ending it like that was the most cowardly thing Jonghyun had ever done in his entire life. People always try to find the easy and less complicated way out of something, whether it would be avoidance or telling a lie. Jonghyun would even almost say that there's nothing wrong with white lies, when they are used to avoid unnecessary drama or used to protect yourself and sometimes even others.
But sending Kibum a text message moments before disconnecting his phone and throwing it into the garbage (Jonghyun had planned on getting a new phone soon anyway) took, without a doubt, the prize as the most pathetic thing he had ever done, even if this time also was “the easy and less complicated way” out of something.
Jonghyun wasn't even trying to convince himself that he did it for Kibum, that it was the best and nicest way to end this, because not even he was stupid enough to believe that.
~ * ~
He walked into his once furnished living room, the sound of his steps bouncing on the naked walls in a weak echo. Jessica was carefully packing up the last of her decorations; small crystal candlesticks and empty colorful vases. She had asked Jonghyun to help her but then changed her mind, mumbling to herself that she didn't want anything to break.
Jonghyun hadn't contributed that with moving much. The muscular men they'd hired were the ones responsible for carrying the big furniture while Jessica was responsible for her own fragile things. Every now and then she would give an angry look at Jonghyun's lack of enthusiasm, but Jonghyun never payed any attention to it. It wasn't that he didn't care, he simply didn't notice.
He had been walking back and forth in the corridor; his eyes never leaving Jinki's door, though Jinki was the last person in Jonghyun's mind. He needed to talk to Jinki, but every time he finally gathered enough courage to take yet another step towards the door, his body would fail him miserably because he would remind himself that Kibum often spent a lot of time at Jinki's place. Two steps forward ended up as three steps back.
In the end he decided that the chance wasn't worth taking. Screw it, he thought and was about to turn around and actually be of any help when he suddenly felt his whole body freeze. The thought of Kibum coming to Jinki's apartment for a visit at this very moment never crossed his mind until he heard steps walking up the stairs at the far end of the corridor.
He would have ran inside his apartment if his feet would allow him too, but they didn't and Jonghyun couldn't help but wonder if his body was punishing him. Drops of sweat became visible on his forehead; his hands feeling sticky and his lungs refusing to take in any air.
It wasn't till the male came into sight that Jonghyun regained control of his body, because it wasn't Kibum. It was another brunette, his head down and eyes focused on the cellphone in his hand. When the man raised his head and saw Jonghyun standing (dumbly) a few steps in front of him, he smiled and raised his hand to wave it.
“Jonghyun-shi!” Jinki said as he stopped in front of his own door, his free hand digging in the pocket of his jacket to find his keys. Jonghyun couldn't help but feel ridiculously stupid. Especially when looking at the harmless door in front of the smiling man. “How are you?”
He just nodded at that. When he, seconds later, realized that it wasn't an actual answer to Jinki's question he said in a slightly shaking voice that he was alright. His body still wouldn't stop being so cautious, but Jonghyun couldn't blame it.
“Do you want to come in?” Jinki asked when he opened the door and stepped in, leaving the door wide open to give Jonghyun free entrance.
Jonghyun shook his head as he walked towards Jinki's apartment, stopping when he was standing in front of the front door.
“I just wanted to say goodbye,” he said formally and forced a smile as he pointed behind him, at the direction of his apartment.
“Are you moving?” Jinki asked and took his shoes and jacket off. He glanced over Jonghyun's shoulder; clearly not noticing till now how Jonghyun's front door was open and how two muscular men disappeared into the elevator carrying a big carton box.
“Yes, we-” Jonghyun started but stopped in the middle of his sentence, because talking about him and Jessica to Jinki was too awkward. And changing the “we” to “I” would be even more awkward, because it wasn't like Jinki didn't know.
“Yes,” he said again, and decided to put a dot after that. “Kibum... he needs people by his side. You're his best friend, right?”
Jinki nodded, at first not understanding what Jonghyun's point was but seconds later quickly getting what all this was about. It wasn't too hard, really, because everything was right under his nose.
“Are you moving away from Seoul?” Jinki asked, his small eyes still being characteristically friendly, but showing a hint of suspicion. Jonghyun knew Jinki's smile would fade by each word he said.
He didn't answer immediately to the question. Of course he wasn't going to move away from Seoul, that wasn't what was making him take his time answering. It wasn't too hard to guess that whatever he said would be passed forward to Kibum, whenever Kibum would realize that the apartment next to Jinki's was empty.
“Yes,” he said after a few seconds of silence, and as predicted Jinki wasn't smiling politely anymore.
There's nothing wrong with white lies when they are used to protect yourself and sometimes even others.
“What about Key?” Jinki asked, his voice protective, like a shield, and his eyes threatening because now he had no reason to be nice to Jonghyun.
Jonghyun wasn't completely sure of what Jinki was asking. He had known since the beginning that Jinki knew about them, but he didn't know how much the older knew. Did Kibum talk a lot about Jonghyun to him? Did he know about the text message Jonghyun sent two days ago?
“Take care of him, alright?” Jonghyun decided to say instead, because in the end that was the only thing that mattered, the only reason to why Jonghyun had tried to gather the balls to knock Jinki's door in the first place. So what if Kibum had told him everything, about Jonghyun's family, his work, Jessica. So what if Jinki would think Jonghyun was an asshole? What difference would it make?
“Kibum really likes you.” Jinki said and reached out for the door knob. “You are going to regret this more than he is.”
He almost slammed the door in Jonghyun's face.
* * *
That night Jonghyun couldn't sleep. It wasn't because of the new colors of the walls, or the unfamiliar scent in their new bedroom. It wasn't even because of the raindrops crashing onto the big window, or the way Jessica kept moving around in her sleep. It was what Jinki had said, the way how his usually warm eyes had glared at him in disgust. Kibum really likes you.
Had Kibum said that?
Jonghyun's bad conscience was quickly replaced with anger; his eyebrows meeting in a frown and his lips tensing. If he had, then why would he say that to Jinki and not Jonghyun? If he “really liked him”, why wouldn't Kibum tell him? Why would he be so stupid and not tell him?
Jonghyun sat up; both his hands running over his face as he tried to figure out why this was bothering him so much, why this was hurting him, burning him, stabbing him. It was over now, the worst part was already over, but Jinki's words wouldn't allow Jonghyun to let this go. If Kibum really had said that then Jonghyun wanted to hear it from him, and not from Jinki.
But what difference would it have made if those words had left Kibum's mouth, and not Jinki's?
None.
~ * ~
Jonghyun didn't go to work the following week. Not only because the thought of bumping into him made his stomach twist and his heart to lose its healthy rhythm, but also because there was more than one person Jonghyun wanted to avoid. He didn't want to see anyone, not his friends, not his co-workers, not his family.
So instead of getting ready for work Jonghyun packed his suitcase and bought two air plane tickets. Of course his father didn't get too happy when Jonghyun called him saying he was going to Thailand with Jessica for a couple of weeks, but it wasn't like Jonghyun cared. Really, what was his father going to do? Fire him? Jonghyun wasn't that lucky.
~ * ~ * ~
The hot sun, the palm trees, the music, the people and the food was surely going to do Jonghyun some good. Jessica hadn't been too happy either at Jonghyun's a little too spontaneous decision to take a vacation, because he hadn't even discussed anything with her; she, unlike Jonghyun, actually took her job seriously.
But when the plane arrived and the passengers stepped out, her sulky and irritated mood immediately disappeared.
They went to the beach that same evening, because even though they were tired Jessica wouldn't let them spend the evening in their hotel room. She was smiling, resting on a sun chair, dressed in a cream colored sunhat, big round sunglasses and a light blue bikini.
The sun was still shining bright over the sea - warming their skin, the water, everything - and as Jonghyun buried his hands in the hot sand he couldn't help but think this was exactly what he needed.
* * *
But if something is too good to be true, then it probably is.
The third day Jessica got sick - her stomach wasn't as strong as she would have liked. Jonghyun stayed in the hotel room the whole day taking care of her, giving her water and soup and leaving a much needed bucket beside the bed.
When night approached Jonghyun knew he had done what he could, and didn't even ask for Jessica's opinion when he said he would go to the nearby nightclub. It was fair, because no one really wants to spend their vacation taking care of a sick girlfriend, no matter how much one cared for her. Jonghyun had been nice enough to spend the whole day inside.
Jessica wanted to protest, Jonghyun could see it, but in the end she didn't. Jonghyun decided to pretend he didn't notice.
* * *
Jonghyung wanted to take advantage of his vacation; party and get drunk. In other words, he simply wanted to live life. It was understandable, right?; wanting to have a long weekend after a troublesome week. It was healthy for him, to disconnect his mind from everything back in Seoul. He needed to have the world spin and smile at him, to not have a single problem in this world to take care of.
But maybe Jonghyun was “living life” a little too much; maybe he shouldn't have shoved down drink after drink, glass after glass, down his throat. And maybe he shouldn't have approached that male at the bar counter, that male who from behind looked perfect in the dark room; a slender waist, skinny jeans giving his butt and legs a tempting shape, brown hair almost covering his neck, his relaxed body leaning on the counter in a much too comfortable way.
There wasn't even a language barrier - even though Jonghyun's Thai was limited to polite greetings and questions for direction - because sex is the same in all languages.
* * *
As the young male bounced in his lap, Jonghyun grabbed the male's waist but quickly removed his hands as if he had touched a hot plate. The waist was too skinny.
The boy froze, his eyes clearly wondering if he had done something wrong, and when Jonghyun noticed, he gave the boy a gentle smile and moved his hips; a way of telling him not to stop.
Instead of going for the boy's waist Jonghyun's hands found their way to his thighs. But they weren't as soft as Jonghyun wanted them to be, not as pale as Jonghyun wanted them to be.
It didn't matter where Jonghyun touched him, everything about him was wrong. The size of his eyes, the size of his hands, the color of his skin, the feel of his touch. Even his hair, because it wasn't the colour Jonghyun first had thought, but black. In the end Jonghyun closed his eyes and didn't touch the young male at all. Except from his left hand who subconsciously moved to muffle the boy's moans, because even the noises he made weren't like the noises Jonghyun wanted to hear.
At dawn, a little past 5 a.m, Jonghyun returned to the hotel. Without a sound, to not wake Jessica up, he made his way towards the bathroom. He washed every inch of his body twice, brushed his teeth thrice and washed his face as soon as he got out of the shower. He didn't sleep on the bed but on the couch.
* * *
From then the vacation in Thailand wasn't as it should have been, as it was supposed to be. Jonghyun's alcohol consumption got out of hand more than once. His life went from being wonderful to horrible, from horrible to wonderful. Jessica decided that the best thing to do was to ignore him, to pretend that he wasn't there, because whenever she would try talking to him everything would end up in screams and insults. She started counting the days till they would travel back home.
That was until she one day found him in the toilet of their hotel room; his eyes red from alcohol and tears, his hands shaking violently and heavy sobs leaving his lips. As Jessica hugged him tightly she thanked God that they would finally be going back home tomorrow.
~ * ~
In other words, the trip to Thailand wasn't really a success. Not only had the last week there been horrible but it had also made Jonghyun realize that whatever it was he was escaping from, it hadn't worked. He was back to where he started. Still, Jonghyun couldn't help but feel that he would have preferred staying there a little longer, as he was making his way to his father's office. His heart and soul, body and mind, was protesting as he knocked on the closed door. He tried to tell himself that it was better to get his father's yelling over and done with, rather than try to avoid him, but that didn't seem to help.
To his comfort, years of practice had taught him how to put his father on mute; his ears already being trained to ignore the angry words that were coming out of the man's mouth. So instead of listening, he noticed how furious people were so comical. They always spit out stupid things; desperately trying to let out everything from their mind and heart but it would always come out as nothing but incoherent sentences, stupid conclusions and unnecessary insults. Angry people are like panic stricken hens; clucking loudly without knowing what they are saying, running back and forth and fluttering their arms violently.
Finally, the hen calmed down; the clucking getting lower and lower now and the wings fluttering a little slower because being angry takes a lot of energy. Sooner or later (if you're lucky, sooner) they calm down and try to make a little more sense this time, try to come up with a well-reasoned conclusion and only use necessary insults, the true and relevant ones.
“You're hopeless, you know that, right?” his father sighed and Jonghyun just shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know if his father expected an honest answer or not to that question. That is, if it even was a question.
His father sighed again, a bit louder this time, which only made Jonghyun roll his eyes. Come on. It wasn't like this whole situation was surprising at all. They both knew Jonghyun wasn't really that unpredictable, at least not when it came to work.
“What do you want, Jonghyun, if you don't want this?”
The question was rather unexpected - Jonghyun had already anticipated a scenario of what would happen; first the yelling, then the weak and dishonest apologies and then the lecture. Honestly, Jonghyun couldn't remember the last time his father asked for his opinion.
The fact that he was taken by surprise made it impossible for Jonghyun to answer. But then he realized that even if he would have time for consideration - a minute, an hour, a day, a month, a year - he wouldn't be able to answer. He didn't know what he wanted, he just knew what he didn't want.
“Nothing,” he said, his voice lifeless, just like the expression on his face. “I don't want anything.”
His father went silent before sighing for the third time. He gave up and dismissed Jonghyun from the office.
~ * ~ * ~
The day had been awful, and so was the next day. And the day after that and the day after that. But everything had always been awful, hadn't it? Wasn't that why he decided he needed a change in his life in the first place? Because everything had been awful and lame and hideous and boring.
Well, what a surprise. He was officially back to being Kim Jonghyun again. Congratulations, you have accomplished nothing.
He wasn't sure what was wrong with him, only that it probably was more than just one thing. The weeks, months, had passed by behind his back, without him noticing it. He was in a weird daze; balancing on the line between reality and fantasy and occasionally stumbling. But it was alright, because Jonghyun had never liked reality in the first place. Lately, they hadn't been getting along that well.
So when he one day got home from work he didn't get surprised when seeing someone standing in the kitchen sink doing the dishes. It didn't surprise him that it wasn't Jessica, but a male figure in brown hair, dressed in a big, white sleeping shirt. Jonghyun didn't need the male to turn around to know that the boy's eyes were cat-like; narrow and cocky and filled with pride. His slender, milky legs were bare and even though Jonghyun wanted to reach out and touch them he knew he didn't need to, because the feel of them, the feel of that body, was imprinted in his hands; as if his hands had done nothing but spent eternity touching, feeling, pressing. Perfection, the exact opposite to the young male in Thailand almost three months ago.
Jonghyun walked over to him, his hands reaching out to embrace that perfect waist, his lips kissing a clothed shoulder.
“What are you doing?” a voice asked, with a hint of a amusement.
But the voice wasn't deep and nasal, like it was supposed to, but a female voice. Blonde long hair was suddenly tickling his face, and the way Jonghyun pulled back was so fast, it was almost violently.
Jessica turned around as fast as Jonghyun had pulled back.
“What's wrong?” she asked, both worried and surprised, and Jonghyun was asking himself the same thing.
He stared at her for a moment, swallowing almost loudly as his heart started to beat faster than it should. A feeling he didn't recognized suddenly crept on him, spreading itself in his head like a dark fog. Disgust.
Jessica dried her hands on her shirt before reaching out her hand.
“Jonghyun, what's wrong?” she asked, her fingers managing to touch Jonghyun's cheek for a split second before he took several steps back.
What the heck is going on? He yelled at her, as if everything that had happened, that still was happening, was her fault. He left, locked himself in the bathroom and took a shower.
* * *
Hours later he went to apologize; he was honest when he said he didn't know what had happened. He was just so tired, tired of everything. The brain is famous for playing the most brutal pranks on you when you lose control of it. Everything had been so stressful and hard, of course he had a breaking point too.
Jessica accepted his apology, but both of them knew she did it only because she couldn't do anything else. Her eyes were still red and her voice still shaking, but Jonghyun was too tired to care.
previous | part two
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A/N: Yes, it's the real update! ヽ(ﾟ∀ﾟ )ﾉ
I'm sorry this took so long to update and sorry for the april fools' day update xD! I've been really busy these past days, but I finally managed to finish at least part one! This whole chapter is ridiculously long, but since it's Jonghyun's chapter I decided to not split it in two. I was going to post the two parts at the same time, but I haven't updated in a while so I thought I owe you guys at least this much :)
Also, according to my storyline this fic is going to reach 16 chapters! Part two is hopefully gonna be up in a couple of days~ ♥