Stuff
I've pretty much closed the doors on my music blog until I can find an alternate place to continue that little bit of fun. I've found another site so I can go on with it but it means re-uploading everything I already had up and it's something I'm finding difficult to do since when I first started it I had people helping me and now it's just me. I might continue it as a forum or something of the like if people want me to but right now it's hard to decide since I'm not too thrilled with the concept of running such a thing again alone.
I'm just waiting now for our move. When we get out of here we have this feeling everything will be so much better. A new place to find work and explore instead of this boring place where all we have is dirt.
I've been going outside more when I can and it's making me realize how much I hate this place and everything it stands for since I've been here 25 years now. Especially when it comes to the people here. Even an old friend of mine contacted me after years of not seeing each other and hasn't spoken to me since after telling me he would get back to me about when we would talk again and possibly hang out. This whole place is full of fucking flakes and I'm tired of it.
It seems to be a theme for the past year or so. What real friendship is and what it means to me. As time as passed with my time on LiveJournal and in my non-online life I've only learned very particular people are actually going to stick around. That's very few people I've run into in my lifetime which includes my roommate.
With LiveJournal though, I've noticed I went from having a number of good friends to now pretty much spending my social time elsewhere cause everyone doesn't seem to want to talk to you unless you're into certain things and if you're not then you aren't worth talking to. So I'm just going to use this for what it's meant for. Pouring out my thoughts and continuing to use it to post about things that make me happy and whatever else happens in my life. As far as a social aspect, I've given up on that. It used to be something more with lots of fun people but as far as I'm concerned the internet is full of tons of selfish people like myself and we're not going to get along cause all we want is to meet people like ourselves who will never be what we accept or want cause no one wants to do whatever someone else wants them to.
So whatever.
It's a journal and that's what it's going to be.
I spent my last entry talking about things that were on my mind and wrote things to particular people not in some hope they would come back from reading it but just to like... get it out of my head. Since I wrote it though I haven't heard a word from a single soul really so I think that just showing my true feelings and colors is too much or whatever. I don't know. I've been taking these walks and it's made me think about a lot of things such as who am I trying to please? No one anymore. But as humans isn't that something we all strain for? To please our friends and family so they don't worry about us or just to have someone around to talk to or for some form of companionship? I can't say for sure.
I know I'm getting all rambly and typing out paragraphs of probably the same shit I always have just cleverly rewording it all. I can say that I'm not the same person I used to be and I probably never will be cause unless I am a certain way that other people want they just won't be happy. I'm tired of worrying about shit like that. What someone else thinks of me or how to make them happy so they won't go away but in the end what does any of those efforts get you? So far. Nothing. I have a stash of things these "friends" got me over the years and what have I gotten anyone? Nothing. So I can see why they're not around anymore. I've squeezed a lot of people dry and I can't apologize enough for that and I don't know how to.
I come from a strange past. A child of divorce and a past relationship of abuse and a long history of abandonment and anxiety. I had a nice long talk with my mom about things and we've agreed that I'm stuck. Mostly from the stuff piling up on me. I do the things I do out of desperation and fear that everyone will go so therefore I get what I can from them cause I don't know how long they're going to stay around. Yeah, it causes damage but I don't know how to live any other way to be honest. But I can't get forward cause the consequences I brought to myself have taken their toll. I'm too scared to do anything else and nor do I want to cause of it.
These days I spend my time sleeping, going for walks, playing a few games, and not much else. I don't mind too much where my life is right now I just wish I had some friends to share the happy things with. That's about all.
Bah, I'm just gonna stop writing this before it gets all fucking stupid and sappy.
I'm just waiting now for our move. When we get out of here we have this feeling everything will be so much better. A new place to find work and explore instead of this boring place where all we have is dirt.
I've been going outside more when I can and it's making me realize how much I hate this place and everything it stands for since I've been here 25 years now. Especially when it comes to the people here. Even an old friend of mine contacted me after years of not seeing each other and hasn't spoken to me since after telling me he would get back to me about when we would talk again and possibly hang out. This whole place is full of fucking flakes and I'm tired of it.
It seems to be a theme for the past year or so. What real friendship is and what it means to me. As time as passed with my time on LiveJournal and in my non-online life I've only learned very particular people are actually going to stick around. That's very few people I've run into in my lifetime which includes my roommate.
With LiveJournal though, I've noticed I went from having a number of good friends to now pretty much spending my social time elsewhere cause everyone doesn't seem to want to talk to you unless you're into certain things and if you're not then you aren't worth talking to. So I'm just going to use this for what it's meant for. Pouring out my thoughts and continuing to use it to post about things that make me happy and whatever else happens in my life. As far as a social aspect, I've given up on that. It used to be something more with lots of fun people but as far as I'm concerned the internet is full of tons of selfish people like myself and we're not going to get along cause all we want is to meet people like ourselves who will never be what we accept or want cause no one wants to do whatever someone else wants them to.
So whatever.
It's a journal and that's what it's going to be.
I spent my last entry talking about things that were on my mind and wrote things to particular people not in some hope they would come back from reading it but just to like... get it out of my head. Since I wrote it though I haven't heard a word from a single soul really so I think that just showing my true feelings and colors is too much or whatever. I don't know. I've been taking these walks and it's made me think about a lot of things such as who am I trying to please? No one anymore. But as humans isn't that something we all strain for? To please our friends and family so they don't worry about us or just to have someone around to talk to or for some form of companionship? I can't say for sure.
I know I'm getting all rambly and typing out paragraphs of probably the same shit I always have just cleverly rewording it all. I can say that I'm not the same person I used to be and I probably never will be cause unless I am a certain way that other people want they just won't be happy. I'm tired of worrying about shit like that. What someone else thinks of me or how to make them happy so they won't go away but in the end what does any of those efforts get you? So far. Nothing. I have a stash of things these "friends" got me over the years and what have I gotten anyone? Nothing. So I can see why they're not around anymore. I've squeezed a lot of people dry and I can't apologize enough for that and I don't know how to.
I come from a strange past. A child of divorce and a past relationship of abuse and a long history of abandonment and anxiety. I had a nice long talk with my mom about things and we've agreed that I'm stuck. Mostly from the stuff piling up on me. I do the things I do out of desperation and fear that everyone will go so therefore I get what I can from them cause I don't know how long they're going to stay around. Yeah, it causes damage but I don't know how to live any other way to be honest. But I can't get forward cause the consequences I brought to myself have taken their toll. I'm too scared to do anything else and nor do I want to cause of it.
These days I spend my time sleeping, going for walks, playing a few games, and not much else. I don't mind too much where my life is right now I just wish I had some friends to share the happy things with. That's about all.
Bah, I'm just gonna stop writing this before it gets all fucking stupid and sappy.