Stuff off my chest and shit outta my head
Last night I had call from one of my old friends from my past that I haven't spoken to in about 4+ years. I can't exactly remember how long it's actually been but I'm guessing it's been about that long since I haven't talked to him since before I was preggo some years back so it's my best shot. It wasn't a bad call at all. It was actually refreshing and different to have someone actually call me since I have all my contact information up somewhere anyone can just about see it.
It put my mind in a more focused place and because of my thoughts and the time I've taken on them during walks (yes, I went outside) and while doing other things while I think has put all this shit in my head which is part of the reason it's been so damn impossible for me to sleep at night. Hard to get rest when your brain is like "FUCK SLEEP YOU GONNA THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT". Fuck you, brain. But I figure the only way it's going to get out is if I just let it out. Certain words for certain people. All that jazz. Anything to get all this noise out of my head.
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To mistressyoukai
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Some strange unknown force of fate keeps bringing us together like some kind of weird rubber-band like thing. We keep clashing heads sometimes though cause I figure we're just both two stubborn people and that just gets in the way on occasion but we can usually just tough it up and get over it. You think you're bad for people and you're not alone with those feelings but like you told me I can't let that get to me. I can't let all this depression shit eat at me cause it's making me fucking batty.
Yeah, I know I've kinda done the same shit over and over and I want to stop that but I need you to understand I'm not the same person I was when we used to talk a lot but I'd like to become something like that again. Maybe like "boop, reset" or something like that. Cause I know some things for certain when it comes to you. I still want to be that friend you can talk to about shit and I don't care if we don't do some of the things we used to do. That doesn't matter. I just want to be your friend again despite all the bullshit and I want you to stick around. I'm doing my best to take more walks and spend time away from the pc to better myself and it's helping as long as I can cast my stubborness aside which starting to not be so much of a problem and it helps wear my roomie's kid out when I take him to the park to wear him the fuck out.
So yeah, I know I pissed you off and we just clash heads sometimes but doesn't everyone do that even with those their the closest to? I don't know. It seems to be true. But I know I don't want you to disappear. I don't think you're bad for me at least so that must mean something. When it comes down to it... I'm sorry for bullshit and saying the shit I said in those texts about all that garbage. Just ignore it. Not gonna do that shit anymore. Let's just make jokes again and talk about life. And thanks, you were right. The walks help. And you what... I'm jealous of you cause you're brave enough to just get up in my face and say shit to me despite how I'll react. It's awesome.
I'm going to stop with the excuse bullshit though. I promise you that.
To _reila_
I can't put how thankful I am to you down here. There's not enough words to express it and I will probably never be able to put them down. I didn't pay as much attention to you in the past as I should have. You thought of me in a way I didn't think of you. I still feel shitty about that even though things between us have become better I still have that shit eating me inside cause of what I did.
But when it came down to it... you were brave and you didn't put things against me. You know how I am and you're able to see me as who I really am. You smiled at me when no one else did. I'm making you wait again for something now too. You know what it is and I'm looking forward to it as much as you are. I can put thank you down here five billion times and it still won't cover how happy I feel to know you're there and I won't let you down on what I said I will do.
You picked up your phone and answered those messages. You saved me from something horrible. Thank you.
To slash_tiger
I think the first thing I could put here is "I don't understand". Cause when it comes down to it I don't. I probably never will. There are tons of nasty things I could say here but I won't cause it's not right and won't fix shit. I don't expect anything to ever be fixed. The whole purpose of this is to get shit out of my mind and off my chest. I would have preferred to just talk to you about stuff and get it all sorted cause we used to do that. I don't know why it stopped. You were there through so much of the shit that happened for the past couple years and you stuck around... until now. Now you don't even say hello back or even bother to "mew" at me like you used to. But whenever I try to talk to you about anything even in a calm and adult manner you don't even want to bother. After all we've been through you don't even want to bother with me over shit that didn't involve you and I want you to really do is just talk to me. Even a fucking hello.
Yeah, I know what I did when all that shit happened was wrong. But to not talk to me over some fucking community... disappointing. I don't know if you're just worried about me being emotional or whatever but when it came down to it you were the first one I went to cause you were always there to talk to about whatever no matter what even it was totally meaningless you talked to me. But then, you didn't. At least other people had the balls to say things do things but you just hid. All I wanted was you to just talk to me and that's all I still want. I don't fucking care about the RP shit, I just wanted a friend but you held it against me anyways. Yeah, I know there are consequences for my actions but... whatever. I'm sorry for whatever I did to not make you my friend anymore cause I don't know what it really came down to that made you make this choice. You didn't even bother to answer the texts I sent when I was on the verge of something horrible. You didn't even say "no" when everyone else did.
It would be great to just, talk to you, work shit out.
It's not about the community anymore or the RP. It's about friendship. Why did that have to go sour when everything else that happened didn't break our bond but this did. Even if you don't even want to really tell me I don't care I just... I don't know. I'm rambling. There's not enough space here to really explain it all and I can't.
To nyxera
What can I say? I tried for a while to think of things to say but it was just excuses. When it came down to it I talked to those I needed to in order to sort things out and I was surprised with the answers. I'm on the road to getting the help I need with those issues and maybe it'll fix what happened to me. I can't say for sure cause I'm just leaving that door open to see how it goes.
What happened before, to be honest. I didn't think it was directed at me at first so I didn't think about it. I don't pay attention to facebook either so posting anything on there is completely useless. It was my bad for not thinking it through. I accept that blame and hell I know I dug myself a hole and I put myself in it maybe for no reason. I honestly tried to think of why and all I came up with was bullcrap that didn't mean anything. It was a mix of bad timing and me being a moron and not paying attention to what I really should have. Maybe I made myself a bit selfish too selfish over the past year or so to pull my head out of my ass to notice anything when I should have.
I've been ignorant about a lot of things until recently. A lot of things were put into reality for me and I saw what was going on. I was clinging onto things and not paying attention to what was really important. My friendships with everyone and instead I focused on the fucking stupid selfish things that shouldn't have really mattered. I worried more about a stupid RP community more than my friendships with others and how I was treating other people to really notice anything else.
You were my best friend and I didn't treat you like that. Fucking hell, I had other close friends that I didn't treat like that either and just used them to get what I wanted and where. Even after what happened with my roommate it was dealt with and with other people in my past to the best of my ability. Mostly all I can do is just apologize for being a selfish dickhead and being an overly emotional twat. Even Lyssa had to verbally smack me to get me to put the selfishness aside to see what was really going on.
I let you get close to me and I think you let me do the same and I pissed all over it. I pissed on a lot of people cause of my ignorance of my situation and how I really felt about things. You stuck by me and in return I gave you nothing. Just was an ignorant shit about it and blamed everyone but myself for my actions. And you know what, I wish I could say it to you in person or something more affective than writing this all out but this is the only way I know to really do it.
When it comes down to it, it's a bit similar to how I feel with Reesa. I don't care about the community stuff... it's friendship. Friendships I pissed on and should have taken more seriously instead of being selfish about and getting what I wanted from people and not giving it in return.
So for what I did even though there may never be any fixing it or going back to things how they were before, I still want to apologize for my selfishness for the things I did to you and those others I should have been more considerate to.
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There's all that out in the open. I don't feel so much depressed of late really anymore. I've let a lot of stuff go cause I really can't blame anyone but myself for how things are. I've taken steps to spend less time at my pc by taking walks and hanging out with my roommate so I'm not just sitting here all the time.
I might get back on track with my singing as well. I can hardly do the songs I used to with ease especially since I'm considering recording it and posting it here so I can share my singing passion with others. It's my zen and puts me in a balanced place so I'm going to do it more often when I'm on my walks as well.
Saying all that there though makes me feel more at peace in my mind. To those who have been close, thank you. I'm going to do those things I promised to you and I mean it. I have to start doing things for myself so I can be the person I can be happy with along with other people in my life. Even if it never really gets read by those who it's for it's a step I think I need to take to move forward with my life.
It put my mind in a more focused place and because of my thoughts and the time I've taken on them during walks (yes, I went outside) and while doing other things while I think has put all this shit in my head which is part of the reason it's been so damn impossible for me to sleep at night. Hard to get rest when your brain is like "FUCK SLEEP YOU GONNA THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT". Fuck you, brain. But I figure the only way it's going to get out is if I just let it out. Certain words for certain people. All that jazz. Anything to get all this noise out of my head.
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To mistressyoukai
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Some strange unknown force of fate keeps bringing us together like some kind of weird rubber-band like thing. We keep clashing heads sometimes though cause I figure we're just both two stubborn people and that just gets in the way on occasion but we can usually just tough it up and get over it. You think you're bad for people and you're not alone with those feelings but like you told me I can't let that get to me. I can't let all this depression shit eat at me cause it's making me fucking batty.
Yeah, I know I've kinda done the same shit over and over and I want to stop that but I need you to understand I'm not the same person I was when we used to talk a lot but I'd like to become something like that again. Maybe like "boop, reset" or something like that. Cause I know some things for certain when it comes to you. I still want to be that friend you can talk to about shit and I don't care if we don't do some of the things we used to do. That doesn't matter. I just want to be your friend again despite all the bullshit and I want you to stick around. I'm doing my best to take more walks and spend time away from the pc to better myself and it's helping as long as I can cast my stubborness aside which starting to not be so much of a problem and it helps wear my roomie's kid out when I take him to the park to wear him the fuck out.
So yeah, I know I pissed you off and we just clash heads sometimes but doesn't everyone do that even with those their the closest to? I don't know. It seems to be true. But I know I don't want you to disappear. I don't think you're bad for me at least so that must mean something. When it comes down to it... I'm sorry for bullshit and saying the shit I said in those texts about all that garbage. Just ignore it. Not gonna do that shit anymore. Let's just make jokes again and talk about life. And thanks, you were right. The walks help. And you what... I'm jealous of you cause you're brave enough to just get up in my face and say shit to me despite how I'll react. It's awesome.
I'm going to stop with the excuse bullshit though. I promise you that.
To _reila_
I can't put how thankful I am to you down here. There's not enough words to express it and I will probably never be able to put them down. I didn't pay as much attention to you in the past as I should have. You thought of me in a way I didn't think of you. I still feel shitty about that even though things between us have become better I still have that shit eating me inside cause of what I did.
But when it came down to it... you were brave and you didn't put things against me. You know how I am and you're able to see me as who I really am. You smiled at me when no one else did. I'm making you wait again for something now too. You know what it is and I'm looking forward to it as much as you are. I can put thank you down here five billion times and it still won't cover how happy I feel to know you're there and I won't let you down on what I said I will do.
You picked up your phone and answered those messages. You saved me from something horrible. Thank you.
To slash_tiger
I think the first thing I could put here is "I don't understand". Cause when it comes down to it I don't. I probably never will. There are tons of nasty things I could say here but I won't cause it's not right and won't fix shit. I don't expect anything to ever be fixed. The whole purpose of this is to get shit out of my mind and off my chest. I would have preferred to just talk to you about stuff and get it all sorted cause we used to do that. I don't know why it stopped. You were there through so much of the shit that happened for the past couple years and you stuck around... until now. Now you don't even say hello back or even bother to "mew" at me like you used to. But whenever I try to talk to you about anything even in a calm and adult manner you don't even want to bother. After all we've been through you don't even want to bother with me over shit that didn't involve you and I want you to really do is just talk to me. Even a fucking hello.
Yeah, I know what I did when all that shit happened was wrong. But to not talk to me over some fucking community... disappointing. I don't know if you're just worried about me being emotional or whatever but when it came down to it you were the first one I went to cause you were always there to talk to about whatever no matter what even it was totally meaningless you talked to me. But then, you didn't. At least other people had the balls to say things do things but you just hid. All I wanted was you to just talk to me and that's all I still want. I don't fucking care about the RP shit, I just wanted a friend but you held it against me anyways. Yeah, I know there are consequences for my actions but... whatever. I'm sorry for whatever I did to not make you my friend anymore cause I don't know what it really came down to that made you make this choice. You didn't even bother to answer the texts I sent when I was on the verge of something horrible. You didn't even say "no" when everyone else did.
It would be great to just, talk to you, work shit out.
It's not about the community anymore or the RP. It's about friendship. Why did that have to go sour when everything else that happened didn't break our bond but this did. Even if you don't even want to really tell me I don't care I just... I don't know. I'm rambling. There's not enough space here to really explain it all and I can't.
To nyxera
What can I say? I tried for a while to think of things to say but it was just excuses. When it came down to it I talked to those I needed to in order to sort things out and I was surprised with the answers. I'm on the road to getting the help I need with those issues and maybe it'll fix what happened to me. I can't say for sure cause I'm just leaving that door open to see how it goes.
What happened before, to be honest. I didn't think it was directed at me at first so I didn't think about it. I don't pay attention to facebook either so posting anything on there is completely useless. It was my bad for not thinking it through. I accept that blame and hell I know I dug myself a hole and I put myself in it maybe for no reason. I honestly tried to think of why and all I came up with was bullcrap that didn't mean anything. It was a mix of bad timing and me being a moron and not paying attention to what I really should have. Maybe I made myself a bit selfish too selfish over the past year or so to pull my head out of my ass to notice anything when I should have.
I've been ignorant about a lot of things until recently. A lot of things were put into reality for me and I saw what was going on. I was clinging onto things and not paying attention to what was really important. My friendships with everyone and instead I focused on the fucking stupid selfish things that shouldn't have really mattered. I worried more about a stupid RP community more than my friendships with others and how I was treating other people to really notice anything else.
You were my best friend and I didn't treat you like that. Fucking hell, I had other close friends that I didn't treat like that either and just used them to get what I wanted and where. Even after what happened with my roommate it was dealt with and with other people in my past to the best of my ability. Mostly all I can do is just apologize for being a selfish dickhead and being an overly emotional twat. Even Lyssa had to verbally smack me to get me to put the selfishness aside to see what was really going on.
I let you get close to me and I think you let me do the same and I pissed all over it. I pissed on a lot of people cause of my ignorance of my situation and how I really felt about things. You stuck by me and in return I gave you nothing. Just was an ignorant shit about it and blamed everyone but myself for my actions. And you know what, I wish I could say it to you in person or something more affective than writing this all out but this is the only way I know to really do it.
When it comes down to it, it's a bit similar to how I feel with Reesa. I don't care about the community stuff... it's friendship. Friendships I pissed on and should have taken more seriously instead of being selfish about and getting what I wanted from people and not giving it in return.
So for what I did even though there may never be any fixing it or going back to things how they were before, I still want to apologize for my selfishness for the things I did to you and those others I should have been more considerate to.
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There's all that out in the open. I don't feel so much depressed of late really anymore. I've let a lot of stuff go cause I really can't blame anyone but myself for how things are. I've taken steps to spend less time at my pc by taking walks and hanging out with my roommate so I'm not just sitting here all the time.
I might get back on track with my singing as well. I can hardly do the songs I used to with ease especially since I'm considering recording it and posting it here so I can share my singing passion with others. It's my zen and puts me in a balanced place so I'm going to do it more often when I'm on my walks as well.
Saying all that there though makes me feel more at peace in my mind. To those who have been close, thank you. I'm going to do those things I promised to you and I mean it. I have to start doing things for myself so I can be the person I can be happy with along with other people in my life. Even if it never really gets read by those who it's for it's a step I think I need to take to move forward with my life.