(no subject)
I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say that I've figured something out. Doesn't make it sting any less, but it's figured out which means I can move on sooner.
Perhaps it's karma; doesn't matter though, it's an existing situation and how it happened is irrelevant in my opinion. But what are you supposed to do when self-expression is futile and potentially humiliating? Are you supposed to just deal with it until it "goes away," or would that be an irresponsible denial of self?
Do you keep it in for the betterment of existing circumstances, or do you let it out knowing full well that it could potentially destroy all levels of comfort and communication?
What do you do when you realize that everything you're feeling is completely moot?
Furthermore, how can I live with myself if all I ever do is accommodate the unacknowledgeable comfort of another at the expense of my own comfort (need I say happiness)?
But it's not happiness either way!! This is ridiculous! If I open my fat trap, I will be unhappy because either things will go to shit, or the pointlessness of speaking my heart will be "publicly" recognized. If I keep my pie-hole shut, I'll be unhappy because I'll scald myself inside-out feeling like it could have been made better.
Either way, the pessimism permeates everything. And so I bury myself in work and secretly dedicate songs like I'm in highschool. And I'll continue to be jealous over the stupidest things, even though I know full well it is, in reality, a non-issue.
But it still hurts. And it's not going to dissipate.
Perhaps it's karma; doesn't matter though, it's an existing situation and how it happened is irrelevant in my opinion. But what are you supposed to do when self-expression is futile and potentially humiliating? Are you supposed to just deal with it until it "goes away," or would that be an irresponsible denial of self?
Do you keep it in for the betterment of existing circumstances, or do you let it out knowing full well that it could potentially destroy all levels of comfort and communication?
What do you do when you realize that everything you're feeling is completely moot?
Furthermore, how can I live with myself if all I ever do is accommodate the unacknowledgeable comfort of another at the expense of my own comfort (need I say happiness)?
But it's not happiness either way!! This is ridiculous! If I open my fat trap, I will be unhappy because either things will go to shit, or the pointlessness of speaking my heart will be "publicly" recognized. If I keep my pie-hole shut, I'll be unhappy because I'll scald myself inside-out feeling like it could have been made better.
Either way, the pessimism permeates everything. And so I bury myself in work and secretly dedicate songs like I'm in highschool. And I'll continue to be jealous over the stupidest things, even though I know full well it is, in reality, a non-issue.
But it still hurts. And it's not going to dissipate.