Redheads and What Just Happened?
Got my car fixed up. It's running as well as can be, and now I'm around $2300 lighter for it. Oh well. Good to have it back, as much as I hate it.
Met someone a few days back. Cute redhead. I always have fun flirting because I'm generally a terrible person. She was in town a few days, had a room in a hotel for this work thing we were doing. We got pretty well acquainted after a couple days. After I got my car back the other night I ended up hanging out with her and her friend for a study session. At some point her friend had left I was giving her a back massage and she had me singing songs for her in the dark. Naturally, before we knew it we were making out with me on top of her and under her shirt. We didn't do anything more really, except chat in the dark and I tucked her in and she had me sing her one more song before I left.
I don't believe anything is going to really happen between us. I'm not sure if even want anything to, for a few reasons. One of the reasons, though not chief among them, is obviously Kate. Who has also gotten a bit more problematic I guess.
I'm pretty damn sure Kate's been ignoring me for the most part for the good part of the week. Like, nearly completely. After briefly getting a text response after sending a picture of this Toto bit in the book I'm reading right now, I told her "Sometimes I feel like you intentionally ignore me." This was yesterday. She often brings up how she's really bad at responding to people, but every 5 minutes or so when I hang out with her she's checking and texting messages in her phone. I always think back to my stay in Guyana, how when she got a text from someone she didn't want to talk to she would quickly check it, close it, and put her phone down in a very deliberate manner. I get the image in my head of her doing the same thing to my messages. It sounds stupid, I know, but it still kind of hurts. Feels like a very basic courtesy thing.
She also was frustrating me with her indecisiveness on St. Patrick's Day, and kind of annoyed me with making me feel like hanging with me, Chris, and Kev would be a backup plan or whatever. She eventually ended up deciding to go to a bar briefly in Nashua I guess. I'm betting with Mike. I wouldn't be surprised if they've hooked up by now. She has a thing for picking boring, shitty guys. I wonder if I should time how long it takes for her to want to complain about him to me, even though she hasn't claimed to be in a relationship with any guy she's been involved with for the past few years or so.
There are other things that have always bothered me with Kate. I mention them here and there in this journal. The problem is whenever I actually do see her or spend time with her I remember why I love her and why I put up with all of this bullshit. Still, I feel like I'm done chasing her. I want to be with her, want to hear her, want to see her, want to hold her, want to want to want to... but I'm tired. My head is spinning when she treats me like I'm the best friend she's got one moment and then acts like I don't exist the next. It's exhausting.
I don't know if I feel guilty about last night. I don't think I do. I know I shouldn't, because Kate and I aren't together, there's no obligation, no commitment. But I know I still love her, even though she's making it really hard to feel it right now.
This other girl is still in college, a bit out of my comfort age zone. Doesn't usually mess around like we did the other night either, so she says. She's really cute, redhead (dyed, but I'll allow it), has some nice curves, looks like she should have graduated already. Also pretty fun, though I don't know if it's just that I've been out of the game for so long or what. She didn't mind that I was a bit out of practice. She lives a ways away though, so I'm not expecting much really. But it is what it is I guess.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore to be honest. But it was nice to find that I'm not romantically inept. And it was nice for her, too. Take it for what it is.
Met someone a few days back. Cute redhead. I always have fun flirting because I'm generally a terrible person. She was in town a few days, had a room in a hotel for this work thing we were doing. We got pretty well acquainted after a couple days. After I got my car back the other night I ended up hanging out with her and her friend for a study session. At some point her friend had left I was giving her a back massage and she had me singing songs for her in the dark. Naturally, before we knew it we were making out with me on top of her and under her shirt. We didn't do anything more really, except chat in the dark and I tucked her in and she had me sing her one more song before I left.
I don't believe anything is going to really happen between us. I'm not sure if even want anything to, for a few reasons. One of the reasons, though not chief among them, is obviously Kate. Who has also gotten a bit more problematic I guess.
I'm pretty damn sure Kate's been ignoring me for the most part for the good part of the week. Like, nearly completely. After briefly getting a text response after sending a picture of this Toto bit in the book I'm reading right now, I told her "Sometimes I feel like you intentionally ignore me." This was yesterday. She often brings up how she's really bad at responding to people, but every 5 minutes or so when I hang out with her she's checking and texting messages in her phone. I always think back to my stay in Guyana, how when she got a text from someone she didn't want to talk to she would quickly check it, close it, and put her phone down in a very deliberate manner. I get the image in my head of her doing the same thing to my messages. It sounds stupid, I know, but it still kind of hurts. Feels like a very basic courtesy thing.
She also was frustrating me with her indecisiveness on St. Patrick's Day, and kind of annoyed me with making me feel like hanging with me, Chris, and Kev would be a backup plan or whatever. She eventually ended up deciding to go to a bar briefly in Nashua I guess. I'm betting with Mike. I wouldn't be surprised if they've hooked up by now. She has a thing for picking boring, shitty guys. I wonder if I should time how long it takes for her to want to complain about him to me, even though she hasn't claimed to be in a relationship with any guy she's been involved with for the past few years or so.
There are other things that have always bothered me with Kate. I mention them here and there in this journal. The problem is whenever I actually do see her or spend time with her I remember why I love her and why I put up with all of this bullshit. Still, I feel like I'm done chasing her. I want to be with her, want to hear her, want to see her, want to hold her, want to want to want to... but I'm tired. My head is spinning when she treats me like I'm the best friend she's got one moment and then acts like I don't exist the next. It's exhausting.
I don't know if I feel guilty about last night. I don't think I do. I know I shouldn't, because Kate and I aren't together, there's no obligation, no commitment. But I know I still love her, even though she's making it really hard to feel it right now.
This other girl is still in college, a bit out of my comfort age zone. Doesn't usually mess around like we did the other night either, so she says. She's really cute, redhead (dyed, but I'll allow it), has some nice curves, looks like she should have graduated already. Also pretty fun, though I don't know if it's just that I've been out of the game for so long or what. She didn't mind that I was a bit out of practice. She lives a ways away though, so I'm not expecting much really. But it is what it is I guess.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore to be honest. But it was nice to find that I'm not romantically inept. And it was nice for her, too. Take it for what it is.