Well, I think I'm finally calm enough to talk about this some...

[tessa_kun_chan]

I've been holding off on posting about this for a couple days, as my emotions were still high, and I didn't want to type something I would probably regret later

Comments

[anonymous]

Please take everything I am about to say with an open mind. I'm recounting some of my own experiences here; they may very well not apply to you.

I thought I could run from this. I'd go buy women's clothing and wear it around and then for whatever reason- bin the stuff and be fine for a few weeks until I felt that pull.. the process repeats itself, and I'm fine again for another few weeks. I thought "yeah, it's expensive, but I can deal with this.." This was about 17, and I'd been feeling this way since 16.

And so I did. But as years went by, this got worse. As I continued to experiment, the more 'going back' to my male life felt wrong to me. I enjoyed being seen as female, percieved as female. At 18, I learned what a 'transsexual' was, that transition was possible. I started dressing again - regularly, but only in private - to make myself feel more comfortable after long days at school, to unwind.

Years started to tick by, and before I knew it I'd cried myself to sleep for over a year. I was supposed to be a girl. I was a girl trapped in a boy's body. I literally felt trapped. Every night as I tried to sleep I'd cry and cry and cry because there was nothing to distract me from what I was feeling: I felt WRONG.

At the age of 22, I came out to my girlfriend in February. I told her I was really a girl on the inside, and needed -- wanted -- to be one on the outside too. She took me to get my ears pierced the very next day, after a night of tearful confessions, crying, and lots of hugs.

I was miserable. I was living a lie. Not only that, but I was living a lie that was slowly crushing me. I was days away from committing suicide when I remembered that a friend of mine was trans and I flung myself on her doorstep. All I could say to her was "please don't leave me behind, I can't live like this anymore".

She saved my life. I would have killed myself if it weren't for her helping me find a therapist... I found a place to get HRT from and self-medicated while I went looking for a doctor to go legit.

And I remembered a friend's words, from many years ago. "Don't run from this. It will kill you if you try."

I'm not saying you shouldn't run, or even that you are. You're doing what you feel is right for you. All I'm saying is that if it turns out that being a girl IS right for you... don't try to run. Embrace her; embrace yourself. It's hard to do and you might lose everything, but what you gain, if it's right for you, is immesurable.

Love you.

Remain true to yourself, whatever 'yourself' is, boy or girl.

[tessa_kun_chan]

Thanks for sharing your experience and the encouragement. Right now I'm trying to figure it all out, and I'm honestly trying to not look too far into the future. The options there scare me.

I know that I can't run from my feelings though. I spent over half my life hiding my feelings from everyone, even myself, and now that they've been let lose I never want to lose them again.

[faewren]

Just so people don't get the wrong impression of me, since I am the wife involved in this, I am no villain. Nor am I a victim. There are no victims or villains in this tale.

We are people, working through difficult times. And no matter what my love is going through, he is my love, my soul mate, and my beloved. And if this thing ends in divorce, which tears my heart to contemplate, I just want everyone to know that I won't go looking for another to replace him. The ring I wear will not leave my finger, and my heart will remain true to him for my whole life.

If I have to be a single mother, so be it. I found where my heart lies. And there it will stay. I have no room in my heart for another.

My only problems are the fact that I am deeply religious, and not homosexual in any way, shape, or form. My religion is tied to my identity. I believe in my Church, and its teachings. I find men to be attractive.

Now I have other thoughts and theories on GD. I won't go into them here. And I do believe that it exists.

But I could not stand by and be called a 'controlling wife in denial'.

I have never sought, nor do I wish, to be controlling in my marriage. My husband came to me and told me how he felt about being a woman inside. After many hours/days of thinking I finally had to tell him that I could not be with another woman, since I am a very straight arrow sexually. And that to me, my husband is a man, right down to how he smells naturally.

Nor am I in denial. I have tried to put myself in my husband's shoes. How would I be feeling if I were a man trapped in a woman's body? How would I think and feel if I wished to be perceived as a man and couldn't because of my physical form?

I want to save my marriage. I want to remain with my beloved. If there is a way to do it, I want to find it. I am not giving up.

I am sorry if I have stepped on people's toes here, but I can not stand by and be spoken of in a disrespectful manner. I will defend myself.