Well, I think I'm finally calm enough to talk about this some...
I've been holding off on posting about this for a couple days, as my emotions were still high, and I didn't want to type something I would probably regret later.
Durring the weekend, after my last post, me and my wife had some serious discussions about us, and mostly me being transgender. The conclusions we came to:
1) I want to be a woman. I want to be seen as one, live as one, and treated as one.
2) My wife is not a lesbian, cannot be attracted to a woman, and does not feel that I am a woman, just a gentle, emotional man.
3) Any physical changes to me will effectively make me die to her, as I will be gone, I will not be myself anymore in her eyes.
4) If we were to separate (Which is the least desirable option to both of us) then the kids would go with her. I have no objections to it, though it would be very painful for me to be separated from any of them.
5) We need help to work through this.
And so, after some debate on my part, I've decided to give a try on giving up on being a woman, and seek counseling to see if I can resolve my feelings. I'm an all or nothing type of person, I can't stand to do things halfway, and so I've tossed or given away my female clothing, inserts, underwear, etc (Not that I really had that much.). I briefly considered taking out my earrings, but after the cost and work getting them, I don't really want to go through that again. I've thought bout cutting my hair as well, but I'm holding off on that for now. It's taken me so long to get it to this point, I'd like to be more settled before making that decision.
Obviously, this has been a very hard thing for me. I tried once previous to do the same, and I spent most of the time crying in despair. This time isn't nearly as bad, but there have been tears involved. Mostly, it's just been an empty, hollow feeling that only goes away when I managed to distract myself. It keeps coming back though.
We've got an appointment to talk with the bishop this coming sunday, and hopefully we'll be able to get on some therapy at that point. I'm... apprehensive about the whole thing, because I know what the church thinks of people like me, and I'm not too fond of therapists. Past experience has shown them to be rather worthless in my mind, as all they did was put me on medication I didn't want, and while it helped some, it also made it unpleasant to function. I'd rather keep my problems and be myself, thank you very much.
I'm going to try though. I will not give up on my marriage without a fight. We promised each other that divorce was not an option. Even in these extreme circumstances that neither of us foresaw, we will do our best to make it through. I just hope I'm strong enough.
Durring the weekend, after my last post, me and my wife had some serious discussions about us, and mostly me being transgender. The conclusions we came to:
1) I want to be a woman. I want to be seen as one, live as one, and treated as one.
2) My wife is not a lesbian, cannot be attracted to a woman, and does not feel that I am a woman, just a gentle, emotional man.
3) Any physical changes to me will effectively make me die to her, as I will be gone, I will not be myself anymore in her eyes.
4) If we were to separate (Which is the least desirable option to both of us) then the kids would go with her. I have no objections to it, though it would be very painful for me to be separated from any of them.
5) We need help to work through this.
And so, after some debate on my part, I've decided to give a try on giving up on being a woman, and seek counseling to see if I can resolve my feelings. I'm an all or nothing type of person, I can't stand to do things halfway, and so I've tossed or given away my female clothing, inserts, underwear, etc (Not that I really had that much.). I briefly considered taking out my earrings, but after the cost and work getting them, I don't really want to go through that again. I've thought bout cutting my hair as well, but I'm holding off on that for now. It's taken me so long to get it to this point, I'd like to be more settled before making that decision.
Obviously, this has been a very hard thing for me. I tried once previous to do the same, and I spent most of the time crying in despair. This time isn't nearly as bad, but there have been tears involved. Mostly, it's just been an empty, hollow feeling that only goes away when I managed to distract myself. It keeps coming back though.
We've got an appointment to talk with the bishop this coming sunday, and hopefully we'll be able to get on some therapy at that point. I'm... apprehensive about the whole thing, because I know what the church thinks of people like me, and I'm not too fond of therapists. Past experience has shown them to be rather worthless in my mind, as all they did was put me on medication I didn't want, and while it helped some, it also made it unpleasant to function. I'd rather keep my problems and be myself, thank you very much.
I'm going to try though. I will not give up on my marriage without a fight. We promised each other that divorce was not an option. Even in these extreme circumstances that neither of us foresaw, we will do our best to make it through. I just hope I'm strong enough.