Plane tickets and Micro waves.
I guess if you really want to know about it, I should start at the beginning..makes sense.
Not that anyone still reads this, and if you do ..please don't make a comment saying "I still read!" cause then it will only lead me to believe that you missed everything else. So, the beginning. I woke up..late. Nah..fuck this..that's way too early.
How about I just get right into it. I got a few Best buy gift cards from people for Christmas. $75 worth. I've already made two trips to that store and walked away with nothing. This morning I decided to make it four. After screwing around on the comp for almost two hours the girlfriend gets back from the doc's office. She skipped work due to a sore throat, thought it might be strep and went in for a check up. I walk the dog, make a six egg white omelet with 4 ounces of cooked steak with various seasonings, vegetables and down a quart of seltzer water. I'm full.
I feel like having a smoke, then think about how it's been 5 days and dying horribly of lung cancer...and make my way into the new "gym" (the sun room at the front of our place, new weights, floor covered in puzzle like/ linked workout mats, mini TV/DVD player, half a weight bench, dumbells, push up handles, chin up bar, mirror) and knock out a few push ups and chin ups.
The misses and I start having a conversation about Best buy, getting a new mouse for the dinning room comp, picking up some random bullshit we don't need and start to get ready to head out.
I feel like heating up a cup of cold coffee in the microwave...and *flicker, buzzap, ker chink* the fucker dies. 14 years..we figured it out..fourteen mutha fuggin years we had that thing..a sharp..1200 watt..large model...like a tank. And it dies on me..right there..mid coffee. So what do you do? First you spend a while saying "fuuuck!!" "sonsofbitches!"..."why the fu..what? nooooooo....not now..not today." getthefuckouttahere!" Then you realize how many times you actually use the damn thing in a day..and life without one seems ridiculous and obviously riddled with too much work and effort....and you ask yourself "how much money do I have?"
I remember the times I've saved a few electronic devices and small appliances from getting tossed, and me from shelling out much needed cash...and decided to crack the fucker open and find the fuse. From the way it went..it looked liek a power issue.
So I pull out the drill, open it up, pull the fuse, standard ceramic 250 volt. Then it's off to Radio Shack, first, and if that doesn't work ...well hopefully that will work.
I get there, listen to some douche lady pull a credit card scam on the fat goof behind he counter, (no ID, just a credit card and wants $200 in cell phones) and wait in line while she gives her con pitch. I get my fuse, get home, put it in, turn it on...2 seconds of power..and ....*flicker, buzzap, kerchink*. Fuck me....now we got to go through this shit? yay!
Well I just happened to be on my way out of the house to blow my well earned (I was good this year) Best Buy gift cards on something in the electronics genre. Though admittedly I had no idea what that or those items would be, and had a very hard time even trying to figure that out. Well..seems fate stepped in and solved the problem for me. "HERE!!... you indecisive little brat....*flicker, buzzap, kerchink* can't figure out what to waste your money on? well NOW you know...go buy a new microwave!"
Great, new microwave, just what I wanted...oh the hours of joy..and hot unevenly cooked food.
We pile in the car, drive 25 mins out to the BB, wander around , weaving through isles to avoid being trapped by over eager salesman with pimples..and find our target. Fifteen different microwaves...BUT....almost all of them suck. Our kitchen is white , with a little blue, red, and orange...so black is out, cream out, so that leaves stainless.
"But all our stuff in our kitchen is white? Coffee maker, can opener, toaster, fridge, floor, wall, phone. But what kind of stainless? A small one? medium size one? large one? Well it has to be as big as our last one, to cover the shitty little stand it'll be sitting on, and have the high wattage so we don't have to wait any longer then we are used to."<--- actually said..and not by me. So we eliminate all the small , medium , white and black microwaves, and narrow it down to two. One being very cool with fancy blue lights, the size we want, steel finish, easy settings..and is only $130...but has the word "Hot Dogs" written on a setting button. Well...I had to eliminate that one ..for just that reason..no fucking way am I paying 130 bucks for a microwave that when every time I go to use it I have to read the words "Hot Dogs" ..fuck that.
Hot Dogs are sick, people who eat them should be beaten till they change their minds and never want to eat a hot dog again.
So that leaves me with one...one f'n microwave...out of the FIFTEEN that where there...I got ONE choice and it costs $179. But ..it has some new fandangled grill thing inside of it. What? A microwave with a grill thingie? YES! this is the one. So we buy it. $197 bucks, all my BB gift cards, and a ton of extra cash on top. I'm walking this new marvel of modern cooking technology back to the car., get in... we both turn to each other and say "whatthe fuck did we just do? whathafuck just happened?" "I was going to buy a mouse and maybe a ps2 game...with someone elses money...*turns back and looks at big ass box* and now I have this? and less money then I woke up with?......this is wrong." We decide that if we are going to spend another 100 on top of the gift cards, we should just find a microwave for only 100, return this one, and get the 75 BB gift card cash back, use that to buy the mouse and some games and go find another microwave someplace else for the price we want. jesus man, micro/giftcard economics ftw!
Now we get to drive 15 mins over to Target. Some are too small, too much, no grill thingies or ugly..and one possible. We load up the possible into a cart and then think "wait a sec..if we are going to do this, lets just say fuck it and drive over to Wall-mart cause it's close and see what they have before we go jumping into another purchase." Yay for playing it smart..and wasting more of my day on shopping for a f'n microwave. Off to Wall-mart, one we want is in a fucked up box, the other possible has a cheesy painted steel finish..and most are just the suck. On our way back to Best Buy to return the original microwave, we see an HH Gregg. "Fuck it..lets just look" We pull up and can see inside, right away I could see the salesmen standing around by the front door "oh Jesus..look at these fucking vultures...just don't make eye contact, move right to the microwaves and maybe we can get out quick." As soon as we entered you could feel all of them tense up and turn to you, I kept on course...the girl deviated from the plan and told one of them "hello.." and smiled...like inviting a vampire into your home..good one.
I found the microwaves, and the entire place was a ghost town as far as customers went...nothing but blue shirts trying to look busy. We start to look over the selection, all eight of them..and in comes our man. Old, fat , retired, mutters a few words about some unimportant shit and offers his service....but he doesn't back off, even after we gave him the standard "Just looking..thanks, ok"...he hovers. He stands within five feet of us and watches us as though we are about to steal something. Well...that was enough...having this dude over my fucking shoulder..almost bumping into me...no way am I buying shit here..and not from this douche..I could hear him breath. The girl and I give each other the secret signal... you know the little head lean and roll of the eyes a couple will do ..that translates to "let's blow this joint!"
Then it's back to Target, buy the last microwave they have that we like and back in the car to BB to return the first one.
Now ..back at BB, lug the neuvomicrobox into be returned, get our cash, get my new gift card...and now I have to shop for what ever the fuck it was in the first place I was going there for ...3 hours ago. I decide on Call Of Duty 4, Modern Warfare...only took me 30 mins to figure that out..on my fourth trip there, and second of the day. Feeling totally stressed out..we head home. I get the box up stairs, open it..and notice that the inner Styrofoam packing brace...is broken in half...not good. In all my years of being a consumer of electronics and small appliances...this means that 1. it's fucked or 2. it's a return..and it's fucked. Get it out, set it up (on our old stand that looks horrible, old brown press board word shit) open the door and .surprise bitches!!!.it won't close! Upon further inspection, it's been damaged on a corner and that caused the frame to shift and resulted in the door not being able to close. YAY FOR ME!
Right then, my girl is checking phone messages. While we where out in microwave shopping hell..I got a phone call from a friend of a friend who is shooting a short film in a week down in Savannah Georgia. They had been talking about having me fly down and stay for 2 weeks to be in it. The call was basicly a confirmation call that my plane tickets had been purchased and the plans set. I called back , got the info..and in a week will be flying down south to act in another film. After getting news like that..God himself could pimp slap me and I'd still be smiling.
Back to standing over a broken microwave. It too familiar to the events that took place in the exact same spot ..almost four hours earlier..." "fuuuck!!" "sonofabitch!"..."why the fu..what? nooooooo....not now..no way." getthefuckouttahere!" you're kidding?"
Soooo....pack the fucker up. This time we are going to the Target that is close to us, 10 mins down the road because we don't have to drive all the way out to where the BB is. And fuck it we might as well buy a new stand as well cause the old one looks like shit. We get to Target, I lug ANOTHER big ass microwave up to a return counter ..for the second time, at a second store, in the same day. We exchange the usual blah blah blah with the returns person and head off to get our final microwave. I get to the isle, see the one we want...and look below it..to ..NOT find any of them in a box.
Now this is the time when you want to grab the nearest person by their ears, bash your forehead into their mouth and force feed them their own teeth. But I didn't ..I just took a deep breath, turned to my girlfriend and said "See...THIS is why I smoke."
After my temperature comes down a bit ..I head off to find a sales assistant and go about getting them to check the back for the microwave...10 mins later...they come back with one...and everyone gets to live.
But..oh ..can't leave without a new microwave cart/stand for 40 bucks. This is mainly due to our pathetic amount of counter top space. So we find one we like, but it's a display and there are no boxes of it on the shelves...figures. Again..track down an assistant, get them to check the back, 15 mins go by..and luckily they come out with the one we want. We complete our return, make our new purchase..head outside...and wow look at that..it's dark out..yay! AND we just spent $224.00 on shit we didn't want to..awesome!
I get home, unpack the the micro..everything looks great. We build the shiny new steal stand/cart/rack thing..all good.
Put the micro on top, toss in a frozen meal...5 mins later..hot food goodness..and all is good in the world.
BUT WAIT! My new game...almost forgot I bought it in all the consumerist confusion. Had to load it up, like 20 mins to load up 8 gigs worth of info. I then get out the head phones, read over the booklet...and get ready for some Modern Warfare killing....click the yes button.....and then
*ERROR* "YOUR VIDEO CARD DOES NOT SUPPORT THE VERTEX PIXEL SHADER REQUIRED BY THIS PROGRAM"
You've got to be fuckin kidding me?
and just to add a turd nugget on top of a shit Sunday....Best Buy's return policy on software and PC games..pretty much told me to go fuck myself......cause...OH NOES!!... I opened it. Gun please?
wtf?
Not that anyone still reads this, and if you do ..please don't make a comment saying "I still read!" cause then it will only lead me to believe that you missed everything else. So, the beginning. I woke up..late. Nah..fuck this..that's way too early.
How about I just get right into it. I got a few Best buy gift cards from people for Christmas. $75 worth. I've already made two trips to that store and walked away with nothing. This morning I decided to make it four. After screwing around on the comp for almost two hours the girlfriend gets back from the doc's office. She skipped work due to a sore throat, thought it might be strep and went in for a check up. I walk the dog, make a six egg white omelet with 4 ounces of cooked steak with various seasonings, vegetables and down a quart of seltzer water. I'm full.
I feel like having a smoke, then think about how it's been 5 days and dying horribly of lung cancer...and make my way into the new "gym" (the sun room at the front of our place, new weights, floor covered in puzzle like/ linked workout mats, mini TV/DVD player, half a weight bench, dumbells, push up handles, chin up bar, mirror) and knock out a few push ups and chin ups.
The misses and I start having a conversation about Best buy, getting a new mouse for the dinning room comp, picking up some random bullshit we don't need and start to get ready to head out.
I feel like heating up a cup of cold coffee in the microwave...and *flicker, buzzap, ker chink* the fucker dies. 14 years..we figured it out..fourteen mutha fuggin years we had that thing..a sharp..1200 watt..large model...like a tank. And it dies on me..right there..mid coffee. So what do you do? First you spend a while saying "fuuuck!!" "sonsofbitches!"..."why the fu..what? nooooooo....not now..not today." getthefuckouttahere!" Then you realize how many times you actually use the damn thing in a day..and life without one seems ridiculous and obviously riddled with too much work and effort....and you ask yourself "how much money do I have?"
I remember the times I've saved a few electronic devices and small appliances from getting tossed, and me from shelling out much needed cash...and decided to crack the fucker open and find the fuse. From the way it went..it looked liek a power issue.
So I pull out the drill, open it up, pull the fuse, standard ceramic 250 volt. Then it's off to Radio Shack, first, and if that doesn't work ...well hopefully that will work.
I get there, listen to some douche lady pull a credit card scam on the fat goof behind he counter, (no ID, just a credit card and wants $200 in cell phones) and wait in line while she gives her con pitch. I get my fuse, get home, put it in, turn it on...2 seconds of power..and ....*flicker, buzzap, kerchink*. Fuck me....now we got to go through this shit? yay!
Well I just happened to be on my way out of the house to blow my well earned (I was good this year) Best Buy gift cards on something in the electronics genre. Though admittedly I had no idea what that or those items would be, and had a very hard time even trying to figure that out. Well..seems fate stepped in and solved the problem for me. "HERE!!... you indecisive little brat....*flicker, buzzap, kerchink* can't figure out what to waste your money on? well NOW you know...go buy a new microwave!"
Great, new microwave, just what I wanted...oh the hours of joy..and hot unevenly cooked food.
We pile in the car, drive 25 mins out to the BB, wander around , weaving through isles to avoid being trapped by over eager salesman with pimples..and find our target. Fifteen different microwaves...BUT....almost all of them suck. Our kitchen is white , with a little blue, red, and orange...so black is out, cream out, so that leaves stainless.
"But all our stuff in our kitchen is white? Coffee maker, can opener, toaster, fridge, floor, wall, phone. But what kind of stainless? A small one? medium size one? large one? Well it has to be as big as our last one, to cover the shitty little stand it'll be sitting on, and have the high wattage so we don't have to wait any longer then we are used to."<--- actually said..and not by me. So we eliminate all the small , medium , white and black microwaves, and narrow it down to two. One being very cool with fancy blue lights, the size we want, steel finish, easy settings..and is only $130...but has the word "Hot Dogs" written on a setting button. Well...I had to eliminate that one ..for just that reason..no fucking way am I paying 130 bucks for a microwave that when every time I go to use it I have to read the words "Hot Dogs" ..fuck that.
Hot Dogs are sick, people who eat them should be beaten till they change their minds and never want to eat a hot dog again.
So that leaves me with one...one f'n microwave...out of the FIFTEEN that where there...I got ONE choice and it costs $179. But ..it has some new fandangled grill thing inside of it. What? A microwave with a grill thingie? YES! this is the one. So we buy it. $197 bucks, all my BB gift cards, and a ton of extra cash on top. I'm walking this new marvel of modern cooking technology back to the car., get in... we both turn to each other and say "whatthe fuck did we just do? whathafuck just happened?" "I was going to buy a mouse and maybe a ps2 game...with someone elses money...*turns back and looks at big ass box* and now I have this? and less money then I woke up with?......this is wrong." We decide that if we are going to spend another 100 on top of the gift cards, we should just find a microwave for only 100, return this one, and get the 75 BB gift card cash back, use that to buy the mouse and some games and go find another microwave someplace else for the price we want. jesus man, micro/giftcard economics ftw!
Now we get to drive 15 mins over to Target. Some are too small, too much, no grill thingies or ugly..and one possible. We load up the possible into a cart and then think "wait a sec..if we are going to do this, lets just say fuck it and drive over to Wall-mart cause it's close and see what they have before we go jumping into another purchase." Yay for playing it smart..and wasting more of my day on shopping for a f'n microwave. Off to Wall-mart, one we want is in a fucked up box, the other possible has a cheesy painted steel finish..and most are just the suck. On our way back to Best Buy to return the original microwave, we see an HH Gregg. "Fuck it..lets just look" We pull up and can see inside, right away I could see the salesmen standing around by the front door "oh Jesus..look at these fucking vultures...just don't make eye contact, move right to the microwaves and maybe we can get out quick." As soon as we entered you could feel all of them tense up and turn to you, I kept on course...the girl deviated from the plan and told one of them "hello.." and smiled...like inviting a vampire into your home..good one.
I found the microwaves, and the entire place was a ghost town as far as customers went...nothing but blue shirts trying to look busy. We start to look over the selection, all eight of them..and in comes our man. Old, fat , retired, mutters a few words about some unimportant shit and offers his service....but he doesn't back off, even after we gave him the standard "Just looking..thanks, ok"...he hovers. He stands within five feet of us and watches us as though we are about to steal something. Well...that was enough...having this dude over my fucking shoulder..almost bumping into me...no way am I buying shit here..and not from this douche..I could hear him breath. The girl and I give each other the secret signal... you know the little head lean and roll of the eyes a couple will do ..that translates to "let's blow this joint!"
Then it's back to Target, buy the last microwave they have that we like and back in the car to BB to return the first one.
Now ..back at BB, lug the neuvomicrobox into be returned, get our cash, get my new gift card...and now I have to shop for what ever the fuck it was in the first place I was going there for ...3 hours ago. I decide on Call Of Duty 4, Modern Warfare...only took me 30 mins to figure that out..on my fourth trip there, and second of the day. Feeling totally stressed out..we head home. I get the box up stairs, open it..and notice that the inner Styrofoam packing brace...is broken in half...not good. In all my years of being a consumer of electronics and small appliances...this means that 1. it's fucked or 2. it's a return..and it's fucked. Get it out, set it up (on our old stand that looks horrible, old brown press board word shit) open the door and .surprise bitches!!!.it won't close! Upon further inspection, it's been damaged on a corner and that caused the frame to shift and resulted in the door not being able to close. YAY FOR ME!
Right then, my girl is checking phone messages. While we where out in microwave shopping hell..I got a phone call from a friend of a friend who is shooting a short film in a week down in Savannah Georgia. They had been talking about having me fly down and stay for 2 weeks to be in it. The call was basicly a confirmation call that my plane tickets had been purchased and the plans set. I called back , got the info..and in a week will be flying down south to act in another film. After getting news like that..God himself could pimp slap me and I'd still be smiling.
Back to standing over a broken microwave. It too familiar to the events that took place in the exact same spot ..almost four hours earlier..." "fuuuck!!" "sonofabitch!"..."why the fu..what? nooooooo....not now..no way." getthefuckouttahere!" you're kidding?"
Soooo....pack the fucker up. This time we are going to the Target that is close to us, 10 mins down the road because we don't have to drive all the way out to where the BB is. And fuck it we might as well buy a new stand as well cause the old one looks like shit. We get to Target, I lug ANOTHER big ass microwave up to a return counter ..for the second time, at a second store, in the same day. We exchange the usual blah blah blah with the returns person and head off to get our final microwave. I get to the isle, see the one we want...and look below it..to ..NOT find any of them in a box.
Now this is the time when you want to grab the nearest person by their ears, bash your forehead into their mouth and force feed them their own teeth. But I didn't ..I just took a deep breath, turned to my girlfriend and said "See...THIS is why I smoke."
After my temperature comes down a bit ..I head off to find a sales assistant and go about getting them to check the back for the microwave...10 mins later...they come back with one...and everyone gets to live.
But..oh ..can't leave without a new microwave cart/stand for 40 bucks. This is mainly due to our pathetic amount of counter top space. So we find one we like, but it's a display and there are no boxes of it on the shelves...figures. Again..track down an assistant, get them to check the back, 15 mins go by..and luckily they come out with the one we want. We complete our return, make our new purchase..head outside...and wow look at that..it's dark out..yay! AND we just spent $224.00 on shit we didn't want to..awesome!
I get home, unpack the the micro..everything looks great. We build the shiny new steal stand/cart/rack thing..all good.
Put the micro on top, toss in a frozen meal...5 mins later..hot food goodness..and all is good in the world.
BUT WAIT! My new game...almost forgot I bought it in all the consumerist confusion. Had to load it up, like 20 mins to load up 8 gigs worth of info. I then get out the head phones, read over the booklet...and get ready for some Modern Warfare killing....click the yes button.....and then
*ERROR* "YOUR VIDEO CARD DOES NOT SUPPORT THE VERTEX PIXEL SHADER REQUIRED BY THIS PROGRAM"
You've got to be fuckin kidding me?
and just to add a turd nugget on top of a shit Sunday....Best Buy's return policy on software and PC games..pretty much told me to go fuck myself......cause...OH NOES!!... I opened it. Gun please?
wtf?