to sign or to burn..... that is the question
I got copies of our final divorce papers tonight. I've been dreading this day for 7 months and now that it's here, it's just as horrible as I thought it was going to be. I'm about 50/50 on whether I should sign them or burn them - I could always sign "I never gave up on us" or "I never stopped loving you" or what about "I forgave you the day you said 'sorry'".
I'm wondering if I push them to the back of the pile of all the things I need to take care of if he'll throw a fit before I get them signed and returned. I just don't want to sign them. I will admit to anyone that he walked out on us. That I'm a single mom with two jobs. That I can't wait to be happy again. That I deserve to have someone love me and cherish me. That one day I'm going to be happier than I've ever been. So why can't I sign these stupid papers!?!? Why can't I pick up my pen and sign the name I've been signing for the last six years?
I know why.
I know that I'm afraid he's going to regret all of this. That no matter what happened my love for him was NEVER a question. That if he wanted to try to fix this and make it work between the two of us, all the would have to do is say the word. That I don't want to throw away the life we planned. That I don't want to have to grieve for what is only "not mine" and not "gone completely".
It's nights like these that I'm that same hurt, scared, falling apart, crying girl that he walked out on 7 months ago. Where is the girl that survived all of this? Where's the girl that has been so happy? Where is the girl that was looking forward to being the person she's never been? Something tells me she never existed. It was a nice front. It was a chance to "play the part" and prove that she could be anyone she wanted to be. But in all honesty? I'm not that person. I'm not the person I want to be. I'm not the kind of person who can survive with flying colors. I'm not the one that smiles in times of pain. I'm the girl that cries when she's scared. The one that cries when she's hurt. The girl that cries because she's overwhelmed. The one that cries when she doesn't know what to do.
So tonight, I cry. I cry because I'm going to have to sign these papers and I'm not going to have anyone holding my hand telling me how much better it's all going to be. I'm not going to have someone there giving me hugs and kisses. I'm not going to have anyone excited that my marriage failed. I'm not going to have anyone to cuddle with when I cry myself to sleep.
Hopefully I can dream some really great "light at the end of the tunnel" dreams and wake up feeling refreshed and emotionally stable.