Just a Day
So. I just got back from the doctors. I got this nasty bump on my lip. Its a 'mucal sist' or something like that. He (Dr.McQueen) said that it's not really a problem. He said that if i want to get rid of it - so i don't bite it - that that could be arrnaged, but it won't cause me any difficulties other than that.
I also have this bump on my ass. He said it's a collection of fluid from my Pilonidal Sinus (a hole that goes up into your ass - not your asshole). He said that overtime, it can get swollen, and that it will even start to leak. It's not a great concern at the moment, and there's even a chance that it will never turn into a problem, but if it does, it will turn into an abssess. His suggestions was that i wait until it starts to become swolen/sore, and to get rid of it if i find it annoying. I don't really have anything to gain by getting it removed right away - but i'll think about it. If i DO get it fixed, i won't be able to sit down without pain for like 2 months. That is unfortunate.
So it turns out i was fucking right. nono, i was *fucking* right. My cough started off as a viral infection (which means its NOT contagious, nor can it be treated with anything but time). NOW, it's a bloody bacterial infection. I have to go onto antibiotics. Have i ever mentioned hate? *cough*Brendon*cough*.
I really like him. He has a pretty friendly demeanor. I mean, i only slightly hesitated about pulling my pants down. (which, believe it or not, is not like me!)
So. I think like only 3 people actually check my LiveJournal, so it won't be any surprise to you, but i have a fear of Death !. It was really bad 2 or so months ago, during a bout of depresssion, but it seems to have gotten better. The problem is, no one really knows what death is. There's no real way to ever find out what it ACTUALLY is, but to avoid thinking about it is not going to fix my problem. During bout's of depression, i can't control what i think about. So theres really no point in ignoring my fear of death until i'm depressed, because then i'm even more less equipped to deal with it. So i give it thought. 3 times a day, if not once every 3 days; sometimes spending only a moment of concentration, at other times, hours. And this is where i am at so far: death is simply: ceasing to exist. Since i don't believe in any sort of after life, this is ultimately the only possibility. Ceasing to exist in itself is not something to fear. It's not a *bad* thing. It's not even a *thing*. Can something - which is the essence of NOT existing - exist as a state of right or wrong, good or bad? I think not. So my goal, through careful thought and reasoning, is to ponder what it would be like to not exist. I feel that i *need* to do this, otherwise i'm always going to have this fear.
So i ask myself: 'what does it mean to not exist'. Simply disappearing isn't really what happens - our bodies are still here. So what really happens, is we stop being *aware* of our existence. So life, in essence, is simply being aware. Death, the antonym of life, is to not be aware. This I actually do find comforting. Life has shown me what death is. Life has allowed me to experience it. Cause i am not always aware. When i sleep, im not aware that i am here - and so i experience what its like to be dead. When i'm having fun, or am concentrating on whatever may be worth my attention - i cease to be aware of my existence. Death now seems comical, not frightening. If death amounts to simply being entranced in Book 4 of Harry Potter, i really can't be afraid of it. This doesn't mean that i don't dislike death. It means i have simply no reason to fear it.
I was going to write this down in one of my books, so that when my next bout of depression hits, i can read this and still make sense of my life - and of death. But i decided to share it with the world instead.
So today is a good day. Im reasonably healthy, i'm up early, my hunger is on the way to being satisfied, it's sunny, i'm listening to radiohead. The more i live, the more i find life to be profound. Thank god that life is ultimately meaningless, cause i really don't have much more room to fit the more meaningful.
I also have this bump on my ass. He said it's a collection of fluid from my Pilonidal Sinus (a hole that goes up into your ass - not your asshole). He said that overtime, it can get swollen, and that it will even start to leak. It's not a great concern at the moment, and there's even a chance that it will never turn into a problem, but if it does, it will turn into an abssess. His suggestions was that i wait until it starts to become swolen/sore, and to get rid of it if i find it annoying. I don't really have anything to gain by getting it removed right away - but i'll think about it. If i DO get it fixed, i won't be able to sit down without pain for like 2 months. That is unfortunate.
So it turns out i was fucking right. nono, i was *fucking* right. My cough started off as a viral infection (which means its NOT contagious, nor can it be treated with anything but time). NOW, it's a bloody bacterial infection. I have to go onto antibiotics. Have i ever mentioned hate? *cough*Brendon*cough*.
I really like him. He has a pretty friendly demeanor. I mean, i only slightly hesitated about pulling my pants down. (which, believe it or not, is not like me!)
So. I think like only 3 people actually check my LiveJournal, so it won't be any surprise to you, but i have a fear of Death !. It was really bad 2 or so months ago, during a bout of depresssion, but it seems to have gotten better. The problem is, no one really knows what death is. There's no real way to ever find out what it ACTUALLY is, but to avoid thinking about it is not going to fix my problem. During bout's of depression, i can't control what i think about. So theres really no point in ignoring my fear of death until i'm depressed, because then i'm even more less equipped to deal with it. So i give it thought. 3 times a day, if not once every 3 days; sometimes spending only a moment of concentration, at other times, hours. And this is where i am at so far: death is simply: ceasing to exist. Since i don't believe in any sort of after life, this is ultimately the only possibility. Ceasing to exist in itself is not something to fear. It's not a *bad* thing. It's not even a *thing*. Can something - which is the essence of NOT existing - exist as a state of right or wrong, good or bad? I think not. So my goal, through careful thought and reasoning, is to ponder what it would be like to not exist. I feel that i *need* to do this, otherwise i'm always going to have this fear.
So i ask myself: 'what does it mean to not exist'. Simply disappearing isn't really what happens - our bodies are still here. So what really happens, is we stop being *aware* of our existence. So life, in essence, is simply being aware. Death, the antonym of life, is to not be aware. This I actually do find comforting. Life has shown me what death is. Life has allowed me to experience it. Cause i am not always aware. When i sleep, im not aware that i am here - and so i experience what its like to be dead. When i'm having fun, or am concentrating on whatever may be worth my attention - i cease to be aware of my existence. Death now seems comical, not frightening. If death amounts to simply being entranced in Book 4 of Harry Potter, i really can't be afraid of it. This doesn't mean that i don't dislike death. It means i have simply no reason to fear it.
I was going to write this down in one of my books, so that when my next bout of depression hits, i can read this and still make sense of my life - and of death. But i decided to share it with the world instead.
So today is a good day. Im reasonably healthy, i'm up early, my hunger is on the way to being satisfied, it's sunny, i'm listening to radiohead. The more i live, the more i find life to be profound. Thank god that life is ultimately meaningless, cause i really don't have much more room to fit the more meaningful.