(no subject)
I guess there comes a time in every parent's life when they hear or know something is wrong their precious children that they don't want to hear. Perhaps that is why so many parents live in a state of denial. It is too painful to hear that they might not have that precious child they raised - even more so, it is too painful to think it is something they did, which somehow damaged this precious gift that they put so much of their hearts into.
For months now I have gone to bed every night with a prayer that my daughter would still be alive when I woke up the next morning. For weeks I have sat in prayer and meditation, reaffirming the belief system I worked so hard to attain so I could keep balance in my own. And in truth, I have succeeded very well. I forget so often to pat myself on the back! I think all of us go through "dark nights of the soul" ... sometimes I wonder just how many times ones's faith must be burned to the ground and risen back up out of the ashes like a Phoenix born.
So I sit in silence at night and I reaffirm the harmony of the Universe every morning. This child, which I carried within and have loved and cherished for 18 years is not MY child, this child is God's child, or for those who have a semantic reaction to the word "God" (please let us not quibble over words here. It isn't the time for me to explain my spirituality!), this child is of the Universe, of Spirit, of that which is, was and ever shall be. I knew the day the day she was conceived and made her presence known within my womb that I had been given a beautiful, if temporary, gift. I knew that my "job" as parent was temporary - we all come in to walk our own path and learn to shine as who we are and do whatever it is that we decided (all though few of us ever remember having made that decision ...) we needed to do here in this manifest part of the Universe. My job was to make sure she was sheltered, protected, had all the things a human needs to thrive, and to teach those basics to her so she could eventually do them for herself. I knew before I ever saw her that I would have to let her go and make her own way in this world and do whatever it was she had come to do. And yes, there is a part of me which has wondered how much damage I have done in my love. Another part of me knows I could only do what I knew to do at the time I did it and, as Oprah says, "What I knew better, I did better." I am, after all is said and done, human, too and walking a path, which I don't always remember having committed myself to! I've been letting go for years and preparing myself for that day when she would take flight. Oh, I have watched this utterly brilliant spirit blossom into the most beautiful rose. I find her such an awesome person! I don't feel that way because I am her "mother." I know she likes to justify those feelings I have by saying I have to feel that way because I am her mother ... I'm too honest, too crusty, too "clear-sighted", too involved in my own integrity to lie. I feel great and total love for many people, like my husband for instance, and that doesn't blind me to the fact that he can be a real bastard and I have no problems telling him so. I know that sounds kind of harsh and in truth, I do it from love. We all have places that are rough, especially me, and we all have places were we shine, even me! My path that I walk, is to be utterly honest, first with self, then with others and do so in such a way that honesty becomes healing, while at the same time, showing people how utterly unique and beautiful they are. I have to tell you, sometimes I feel like a cold hearted bitch. Other times I realize it is only because I love so deeply and utterly all the expressions of the Universe; all of them.
In all those years of loving and supporting and doing the best I knew how to do, it really didn't occur to me that I might have to prepare to watch her as she crashed and burned. Yes, in truth, there is a part of me which wishes I could live in a state of denial. That I could pretend that nothing was wrong until it was, perhaps, too late.
It is a daily balance between pushing just enough to keep her from dying a slow and stagnant death and not pushing her so hard that I shove her off the cliff and watch her fall.
Each night I wrap her in all the love I have . I get myself balanced and in touch with the harmony of this awesome Universe we reside in. I get to where I can feel the harmony in all aspects of life, including death. In truth, whether you look at death scientifically or you look at death spiritually, in the end it is simply another part of the harmony of life. It is simply changing form . From all death, life springs. Every gardener and every farmer knows this truth. I'm sure everybody has had the experience, at least once, of suddenly knowing that they are in total harmony with everything around them. That is such a glorious feeling. For me, it is like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon for the first time and being blown away by the utter beauty behind the creation, the ordering , the everything of this place we call home. When I stand in that place, there is no fear of anything because I know, in the end, all things flow in harmony.
There is always that little place inside of me, though. That place where the child within resides and still carries some hurts and fears. It is a precarious balancing act for me at times; as I am sure it is for all of us. I was feeling pretty good about my daughter. She has taken the right steps, gotten herself a counselor, is making contacts with other people and talking to her to very best friend. I'm still frightened because I know intimately how precarious that balance can be. I know because I have walked that path and I have watched myself begin to tipple and plunge over the cliff. I have sat in my house and closed all the windows, locked all the doors, turned out all the lights and sworn never to come out again. Both literally and figuratively. I know my own mother did the same thing I am doing now. She prayed and paced and hoped that she did not have to learn to walk a path of sorrow and find the harmony, the balance, the blessing. Most of us have at one time or another in our lives. Every time we rise up out of those ashes, we are a Phoenix arisen and we are all the more beautiful for it. I do not regret one night of those dark nights of the soul, for it is those nights which have opened my heart and allowed me to love. To be able to say, no, I don't know what you are going through and can never know, because I am not you. However, I have had some experiences that were similar, let me share what I found out about me and maybe it will help you to find out about yourself. How can I say that to my own daughter? I am a parent, what would I know of being where she is today? I sure didn't figure my mom knew anything about it ... how could she? (lol) Well, it took about 10 years and I did finally figure out that she had those feelings, too, and regardless of how old she got, there were still there ... perhaps this is one of the things we share, all of us.
I don't want to pressure her! I am so afraid I will push too hard or, I will make her feel guilty and she won't do what it is she needs to do. I don't know how to get her to understand, deep within her heart, that I think she is beautiful because she is - not because she is my daughter. Not because I am her mother. Not because I am biased in her favor. Not because of anything - except it is the truth. She is beautiful because of her warm and loving heart. She is beautiful because of the depth of compassion she has at such a very young age! She is beautiful because she will hold out her hand to a friend and tell them she loves them and that they are okay and beautiful, too. I don't know ... I guess you just keep telling them. And ... it is out of my hands. I know I must stay clear, balanced, harmonious enough so I can hear the little voice deep within, which tells me what I need to do next. I've seen progress, I'm feeling pretty good. I would feel a whole lot better if she would just talk to me a little about what is happening within her. I would feel a little bit better if I could talk to her new counselor and make sure she understands what I already know from 18 years of living with this beautiful expression I call "my" daughter. And ... she is 18. All of this is out of my hands. As if it were ever in my hands to begin with! I'm really glad in a way that I can't talk to her counselor! I need to stay out of it. I need to let her grow and find out for herself that regardless of anything else - she is beautiful. She is a light in the world. She can do and be anything she would like to be!
So, I don't know ... I guess this kind of wandered. I guess that is what journals are about. I've always been a very private person and have always found it difficult to share what is deep within me - afraid that people would see me and .. I don't know. Tell me I was crazy, invalid - what did I have to cry about? Burn me at the stake - I've always felt it was fortunate that I didn't get born during the Spanish Inquisition or the Salem Witch trials ... not that I am a witch, mind you; just that people can get down right nasty and frightened when they are presented with things they don't understand. Know what I mean? Look at what they did to - who was, it .. AGllilao(?) for having dared to say the earth was round! So, it is rather a strange and bizarre concept that anyone and everyone can happen upon this live and very public journal ... Perhaps this is my way of learning and reaffirming that it is always better to share the depth of one's love and reach out when needful because in truth, we live in a place of beauty and there is more love, than not - we just lose track of that sometimes when those nights get so dark and you feel all alone. Thank you for listening.
For months now I have gone to bed every night with a prayer that my daughter would still be alive when I woke up the next morning. For weeks I have sat in prayer and meditation, reaffirming the belief system I worked so hard to attain so I could keep balance in my own. And in truth, I have succeeded very well. I forget so often to pat myself on the back! I think all of us go through "dark nights of the soul" ... sometimes I wonder just how many times ones's faith must be burned to the ground and risen back up out of the ashes like a Phoenix born.
So I sit in silence at night and I reaffirm the harmony of the Universe every morning. This child, which I carried within and have loved and cherished for 18 years is not MY child, this child is God's child, or for those who have a semantic reaction to the word "God" (please let us not quibble over words here. It isn't the time for me to explain my spirituality!), this child is of the Universe, of Spirit, of that which is, was and ever shall be. I knew the day the day she was conceived and made her presence known within my womb that I had been given a beautiful, if temporary, gift. I knew that my "job" as parent was temporary - we all come in to walk our own path and learn to shine as who we are and do whatever it is that we decided (all though few of us ever remember having made that decision ...) we needed to do here in this manifest part of the Universe. My job was to make sure she was sheltered, protected, had all the things a human needs to thrive, and to teach those basics to her so she could eventually do them for herself. I knew before I ever saw her that I would have to let her go and make her own way in this world and do whatever it was she had come to do. And yes, there is a part of me which has wondered how much damage I have done in my love. Another part of me knows I could only do what I knew to do at the time I did it and, as Oprah says, "What I knew better, I did better." I am, after all is said and done, human, too and walking a path, which I don't always remember having committed myself to! I've been letting go for years and preparing myself for that day when she would take flight. Oh, I have watched this utterly brilliant spirit blossom into the most beautiful rose. I find her such an awesome person! I don't feel that way because I am her "mother." I know she likes to justify those feelings I have by saying I have to feel that way because I am her mother ... I'm too honest, too crusty, too "clear-sighted", too involved in my own integrity to lie. I feel great and total love for many people, like my husband for instance, and that doesn't blind me to the fact that he can be a real bastard and I have no problems telling him so. I know that sounds kind of harsh and in truth, I do it from love. We all have places that are rough, especially me, and we all have places were we shine, even me! My path that I walk, is to be utterly honest, first with self, then with others and do so in such a way that honesty becomes healing, while at the same time, showing people how utterly unique and beautiful they are. I have to tell you, sometimes I feel like a cold hearted bitch. Other times I realize it is only because I love so deeply and utterly all the expressions of the Universe; all of them.
In all those years of loving and supporting and doing the best I knew how to do, it really didn't occur to me that I might have to prepare to watch her as she crashed and burned. Yes, in truth, there is a part of me which wishes I could live in a state of denial. That I could pretend that nothing was wrong until it was, perhaps, too late.
It is a daily balance between pushing just enough to keep her from dying a slow and stagnant death and not pushing her so hard that I shove her off the cliff and watch her fall.
Each night I wrap her in all the love I have . I get myself balanced and in touch with the harmony of this awesome Universe we reside in. I get to where I can feel the harmony in all aspects of life, including death. In truth, whether you look at death scientifically or you look at death spiritually, in the end it is simply another part of the harmony of life. It is simply changing form . From all death, life springs. Every gardener and every farmer knows this truth. I'm sure everybody has had the experience, at least once, of suddenly knowing that they are in total harmony with everything around them. That is such a glorious feeling. For me, it is like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon for the first time and being blown away by the utter beauty behind the creation, the ordering , the everything of this place we call home. When I stand in that place, there is no fear of anything because I know, in the end, all things flow in harmony.
There is always that little place inside of me, though. That place where the child within resides and still carries some hurts and fears. It is a precarious balancing act for me at times; as I am sure it is for all of us. I was feeling pretty good about my daughter. She has taken the right steps, gotten herself a counselor, is making contacts with other people and talking to her to very best friend. I'm still frightened because I know intimately how precarious that balance can be. I know because I have walked that path and I have watched myself begin to tipple and plunge over the cliff. I have sat in my house and closed all the windows, locked all the doors, turned out all the lights and sworn never to come out again. Both literally and figuratively. I know my own mother did the same thing I am doing now. She prayed and paced and hoped that she did not have to learn to walk a path of sorrow and find the harmony, the balance, the blessing. Most of us have at one time or another in our lives. Every time we rise up out of those ashes, we are a Phoenix arisen and we are all the more beautiful for it. I do not regret one night of those dark nights of the soul, for it is those nights which have opened my heart and allowed me to love. To be able to say, no, I don't know what you are going through and can never know, because I am not you. However, I have had some experiences that were similar, let me share what I found out about me and maybe it will help you to find out about yourself. How can I say that to my own daughter? I am a parent, what would I know of being where she is today? I sure didn't figure my mom knew anything about it ... how could she? (lol) Well, it took about 10 years and I did finally figure out that she had those feelings, too, and regardless of how old she got, there were still there ... perhaps this is one of the things we share, all of us.
I don't want to pressure her! I am so afraid I will push too hard or, I will make her feel guilty and she won't do what it is she needs to do. I don't know how to get her to understand, deep within her heart, that I think she is beautiful because she is - not because she is my daughter. Not because I am her mother. Not because I am biased in her favor. Not because of anything - except it is the truth. She is beautiful because of her warm and loving heart. She is beautiful because of the depth of compassion she has at such a very young age! She is beautiful because she will hold out her hand to a friend and tell them she loves them and that they are okay and beautiful, too. I don't know ... I guess you just keep telling them. And ... it is out of my hands. I know I must stay clear, balanced, harmonious enough so I can hear the little voice deep within, which tells me what I need to do next. I've seen progress, I'm feeling pretty good. I would feel a whole lot better if she would just talk to me a little about what is happening within her. I would feel a little bit better if I could talk to her new counselor and make sure she understands what I already know from 18 years of living with this beautiful expression I call "my" daughter. And ... she is 18. All of this is out of my hands. As if it were ever in my hands to begin with! I'm really glad in a way that I can't talk to her counselor! I need to stay out of it. I need to let her grow and find out for herself that regardless of anything else - she is beautiful. She is a light in the world. She can do and be anything she would like to be!
So, I don't know ... I guess this kind of wandered. I guess that is what journals are about. I've always been a very private person and have always found it difficult to share what is deep within me - afraid that people would see me and .. I don't know. Tell me I was crazy, invalid - what did I have to cry about? Burn me at the stake - I've always felt it was fortunate that I didn't get born during the Spanish Inquisition or the Salem Witch trials ... not that I am a witch, mind you; just that people can get down right nasty and frightened when they are presented with things they don't understand. Know what I mean? Look at what they did to - who was, it .. AGllilao(?) for having dared to say the earth was round! So, it is rather a strange and bizarre concept that anyone and everyone can happen upon this live and very public journal ... Perhaps this is my way of learning and reaffirming that it is always better to share the depth of one's love and reach out when needful because in truth, we live in a place of beauty and there is more love, than not - we just lose track of that sometimes when those nights get so dark and you feel all alone. Thank you for listening.