21
well i turnerd 21 yesterday. i dont feel 21 though,lol.
i got to thinking about stuff,yesterday.well really ive beenm thinking about it for a while now but it all came into my head properly yesterday.
i was thinking about concidnces. ive had a few of them recently.21 is the year that a boy traditionally becomes a man and on this year for me ive got lots happening(college,etc) and ive finally accepted my role in my own life. finally decided to become a man.
it made me think about fate.i think fate exists,but not in the way most people do.i dont think that every action we take,good or bad, is scripted,only the big ones are. the reat is up to us,of our own doing.likr if you walk across a country.all the big cities are mapped out,an you'll get to them eventually no doubt,but how we get there is our own choice. the roads we take,the places we stop in between those big places are all us.of course these are just my thoughts,personal reflections,if you will,on the nature of fate.they have no real worth to anyone but myself.
i started thinking about the big things in life and wondering which were fate. i was fated to go to that secondary school,fated to be tortured there and fated to torture my self as well. i waqs fated to attemept to kill myself,fated to survive and fated to not meet anyone untill i was older.
i thought about the recent(the past year or so)events as well. i was fated to go down to EMAG,fated to meet kim,fated to fall in love,go out with her,then break up with her. it was fate that these things happened,i think. but everything else was my own doing.
while i was fated tyo meet kim and fall in love with her,it was my own choice to lie to her about myself. i lied to make myself more interesting,cause i thought the real me was kinda boring(which it is),but an explanation is not an excuse.
it was my own fault as well that i didnt trust her,though seeing as how id had no previous girlfriends,and had zero self esteem,i thought it was only natural she would find someone better and go with him,especially seeing as how part of our relationship was founded on lies.
we were meant to break up,but the pain i caused her was not fate's fault.it was mine.the amount of damage i did was all my fault...
*looks into distance for a while,then shakes head,sighs*
but that is the past. i cannopt change what happened,however much i wish it, i can merely remember it,try and make up for it,and move on. the arrow of time flies in only one direction after all.
i think im doing all 3 things ok.i dont self pity anymore,i dont consider myself to be lower than anyone anymore. i do feel shame for making her afraid of me,and i always will,just as i will always feel bad for causing the amounts of pain i have to other people(somedays it seems thats all i can do,all im good at.)but again those are things that i jsut have to move on from when i can. feel bad,make amends,and move on thats what ive got to do. thats my duty.forgiveness is not bought it its earned.
i have made some progress these last few months.i have laid ground work for the future.but it is a battle.everyday it is a fight to try and stop self pitying thoughts from entering my head.but i am winning. my life is looking up,and its because im changing it bit by bit.
*raises glass in a toast*
cum noster consilium,nos forma ille futurus...
with our will,we shape the future...
*downs drink throws glass over shoulder where it smashes against the wall*
ive really got to get that translated properly. the grammers quite bad. its a word for word translation usin a dictionary,rather than an actuall translation done by someone who knows latin.:P
i got to thinking about stuff,yesterday.well really ive beenm thinking about it for a while now but it all came into my head properly yesterday.
i was thinking about concidnces. ive had a few of them recently.21 is the year that a boy traditionally becomes a man and on this year for me ive got lots happening(college,etc) and ive finally accepted my role in my own life. finally decided to become a man.
it made me think about fate.i think fate exists,but not in the way most people do.i dont think that every action we take,good or bad, is scripted,only the big ones are. the reat is up to us,of our own doing.likr if you walk across a country.all the big cities are mapped out,an you'll get to them eventually no doubt,but how we get there is our own choice. the roads we take,the places we stop in between those big places are all us.of course these are just my thoughts,personal reflections,if you will,on the nature of fate.they have no real worth to anyone but myself.
i started thinking about the big things in life and wondering which were fate. i was fated to go to that secondary school,fated to be tortured there and fated to torture my self as well. i waqs fated to attemept to kill myself,fated to survive and fated to not meet anyone untill i was older.
i thought about the recent(the past year or so)events as well. i was fated to go down to EMAG,fated to meet kim,fated to fall in love,go out with her,then break up with her. it was fate that these things happened,i think. but everything else was my own doing.
while i was fated tyo meet kim and fall in love with her,it was my own choice to lie to her about myself. i lied to make myself more interesting,cause i thought the real me was kinda boring(which it is),but an explanation is not an excuse.
it was my own fault as well that i didnt trust her,though seeing as how id had no previous girlfriends,and had zero self esteem,i thought it was only natural she would find someone better and go with him,especially seeing as how part of our relationship was founded on lies.
we were meant to break up,but the pain i caused her was not fate's fault.it was mine.the amount of damage i did was all my fault...
*looks into distance for a while,then shakes head,sighs*
but that is the past. i cannopt change what happened,however much i wish it, i can merely remember it,try and make up for it,and move on. the arrow of time flies in only one direction after all.
i think im doing all 3 things ok.i dont self pity anymore,i dont consider myself to be lower than anyone anymore. i do feel shame for making her afraid of me,and i always will,just as i will always feel bad for causing the amounts of pain i have to other people(somedays it seems thats all i can do,all im good at.)but again those are things that i jsut have to move on from when i can. feel bad,make amends,and move on thats what ive got to do. thats my duty.forgiveness is not bought it its earned.
i have made some progress these last few months.i have laid ground work for the future.but it is a battle.everyday it is a fight to try and stop self pitying thoughts from entering my head.but i am winning. my life is looking up,and its because im changing it bit by bit.
*raises glass in a toast*
cum noster consilium,nos forma ille futurus...
with our will,we shape the future...
*downs drink throws glass over shoulder where it smashes against the wall*
ive really got to get that translated properly. the grammers quite bad. its a word for word translation usin a dictionary,rather than an actuall translation done by someone who knows latin.:P