"Mortido" refers to an energy of withdrawal, disintegration, and resistance to life and growth.
I got in a thinking mode tonight and I know just going to sleep would cure this, but I feel I have the need to convert my thoughts into pixels which form letters onto your computer monitor. My thoughts are random zeros and ones, and since I can't read Assembly, it's totally confusing. Much of my thoughts tonight focus on the fact that I claim to be open-minded, but in actuality, I'm somewhat close-minded. And almost all of my thoughts spiral back to my current relationship with Ryan. I've been reading too much Freud lately. My mortido modifier is in double digits, yo.
All these overanalytical mindfuckery was prompted by something innocent and awkward in the bedroom. Uncontrollable. It's context is superfluous, so I'll leave it that. Whatever, shit happens, right? Right. Shit does happen and screws up my damn brain! I got to thinking about the entire relationship after I had taken him home, given him a kiss goodnight, told him to give me a call, and being completely happy at the conclusion of our date. Let me say this now and let me say it clear. I am not second-guessing my relationship with Ryan in any way shape of form. I am very happy with him. We have endless things in common. He's gorgeous. He pleases me emotionally, comically, sexually, and intellectually. He's absolutely wonderful! I'm not one to waste my love, though. If the time comes when I wish to say "I love you." without conciously forming the words in my mind, then so be it, I love him. Until then, I want myself to be happy with him and his company, without overly complicating things with false emotions. I'm sure he feels the same, as those 3 little words aren't escaping either of our lips just yet. But, the problem with me and what makes me most angry about myself, is that I don't let myself be happy. I want to find error, mistakes, and wrong. I want to find an ulterior motive. I absolutely hate it. Let it be said that all of my friends do things that I don't enjoy and I do things that my friends don't enjoy, I'm sure. There are things about Ryan I wish weren't there, not because I dislike them, but because I'm scared of them. Ryan smokes, and I dunno maybe I have some attraction to it deep down stemming from an unnutured Oedipus complex since my Mom was a smoker for her whole life and it was ultimately the end of her. I find it attractive, actually. Maybe it's the familiarity of it. The marijuana though still is a weird subject with me, and I have no idea why. I think it's just the illegality of it, but I mean come on... alcohol does more damage than pot does and I drink it. Ryan is R-rated and unafraid of speaking his mind, which is something I truly admire.. as I grow somewhat anxious and start caring what strangers think of me in a public place. And last, but certainly the crux of my entire thoughts, is that Ryan is so hard to read. I take pride in the fact that I can usually read people pretty well. Maybe my judgement is cloudy because I'm falling for this boy, or maybe I just don't listen because I'm too fixated on looking into his eyes or tossling his hair to catch inflections and body language. I'm insecure. Like completely. I feel inadequate, inexperienced, and inexplicably awkward. Hey, maybe I am... but I wish I was oblivious to it, because then there would be room for improvement. I need to trust myself and be confident, but it's so hard to do. There has already been times where Ryan has said something play mean that I took to heart. Don't all couples play mean? It's like a rule, huh? I tend to like it. It's cute. But my insecurity takes its toll and makes me think stupid thoughts. And then I wonder... does he like me? Am I just a fuck? I think he does like me and I'm not just a fuck. I don't think the things he says to inidicate this are a form of appeasement, but my judgemental mind likes to try and make me think otherwhise. Relationships are overly difficult and I didn't think they would be. I've ridiculed friends on there relationship problems and I didn't know the underlying emotions that are hidden like wires in the walls of a home.
It's unsettling, yet completely fantastic. Even though I've been thinking, it hasn't all been negative. There are certain very positive things that come from negativity. I'm so overwhelmed with happiness, simply for the fact that I care enough about someone that I abuse my mind in an attempt to find a solution. And, you know... writing this out was pretty helpful. In the midst of retyping and fixing errors and all that junk (yeah, OCD blogger up in this bitch) I've managed to think about things in a different light. You know, I've come to terms with the fact that my first relationship is going to take a toll on my mind, but I'm fine with that. The first relationship usually starts off as a large percentage "being in love with the idea" and a small percentage "being in love with the person." I'm trying to figure out how things will shift the pie chart around, and I really shouldn't care about such things. They happen naturally. But, you know me (or you don't). I don't mind taking a neurological thrashing if it means I may in fact find someone I can love.
All these overanalytical mindfuckery was prompted by something innocent and awkward in the bedroom. Uncontrollable. It's context is superfluous, so I'll leave it that. Whatever, shit happens, right? Right. Shit does happen and screws up my damn brain! I got to thinking about the entire relationship after I had taken him home, given him a kiss goodnight, told him to give me a call, and being completely happy at the conclusion of our date. Let me say this now and let me say it clear. I am not second-guessing my relationship with Ryan in any way shape of form. I am very happy with him. We have endless things in common. He's gorgeous. He pleases me emotionally, comically, sexually, and intellectually. He's absolutely wonderful! I'm not one to waste my love, though. If the time comes when I wish to say "I love you." without conciously forming the words in my mind, then so be it, I love him. Until then, I want myself to be happy with him and his company, without overly complicating things with false emotions. I'm sure he feels the same, as those 3 little words aren't escaping either of our lips just yet. But, the problem with me and what makes me most angry about myself, is that I don't let myself be happy. I want to find error, mistakes, and wrong. I want to find an ulterior motive. I absolutely hate it. Let it be said that all of my friends do things that I don't enjoy and I do things that my friends don't enjoy, I'm sure. There are things about Ryan I wish weren't there, not because I dislike them, but because I'm scared of them. Ryan smokes, and I dunno maybe I have some attraction to it deep down stemming from an unnutured Oedipus complex since my Mom was a smoker for her whole life and it was ultimately the end of her. I find it attractive, actually. Maybe it's the familiarity of it. The marijuana though still is a weird subject with me, and I have no idea why. I think it's just the illegality of it, but I mean come on... alcohol does more damage than pot does and I drink it. Ryan is R-rated and unafraid of speaking his mind, which is something I truly admire.. as I grow somewhat anxious and start caring what strangers think of me in a public place. And last, but certainly the crux of my entire thoughts, is that Ryan is so hard to read. I take pride in the fact that I can usually read people pretty well. Maybe my judgement is cloudy because I'm falling for this boy, or maybe I just don't listen because I'm too fixated on looking into his eyes or tossling his hair to catch inflections and body language. I'm insecure. Like completely. I feel inadequate, inexperienced, and inexplicably awkward. Hey, maybe I am... but I wish I was oblivious to it, because then there would be room for improvement. I need to trust myself and be confident, but it's so hard to do. There has already been times where Ryan has said something play mean that I took to heart. Don't all couples play mean? It's like a rule, huh? I tend to like it. It's cute. But my insecurity takes its toll and makes me think stupid thoughts. And then I wonder... does he like me? Am I just a fuck? I think he does like me and I'm not just a fuck. I don't think the things he says to inidicate this are a form of appeasement, but my judgemental mind likes to try and make me think otherwhise. Relationships are overly difficult and I didn't think they would be. I've ridiculed friends on there relationship problems and I didn't know the underlying emotions that are hidden like wires in the walls of a home.
It's unsettling, yet completely fantastic. Even though I've been thinking, it hasn't all been negative. There are certain very positive things that come from negativity. I'm so overwhelmed with happiness, simply for the fact that I care enough about someone that I abuse my mind in an attempt to find a solution. And, you know... writing this out was pretty helpful. In the midst of retyping and fixing errors and all that junk (yeah, OCD blogger up in this bitch) I've managed to think about things in a different light. You know, I've come to terms with the fact that my first relationship is going to take a toll on my mind, but I'm fine with that. The first relationship usually starts off as a large percentage "being in love with the idea" and a small percentage "being in love with the person." I'm trying to figure out how things will shift the pie chart around, and I really shouldn't care about such things. They happen naturally. But, you know me (or you don't). I don't mind taking a neurological thrashing if it means I may in fact find someone I can love.