(no subject)
Not updated for a while. Thought I'd give it a go, to bridge the gap in recorded life since my last entry. In some ways life has been changing and developing in many ways, but in some respects has stayed exactly the same. My new job at Kings High School as a technician, for example, is quite a massive change. It's an interesting job with plenty of work available to do, the IT department is underdeveloped and I'm trying to get it looking a bit more organised and professional. I'll be bringing in some new ideas and changes that will be stuck on my “resumé” in an attempt to get something more than money for my efforts.
I've been offered a place at Bournemouth University, which has given me a feeling of security in my decided future. I've thought long and hard about the commitment to study, and from all angles I see it as a wise investment in my future. I've come a long way in computing in the last few years, which has been down to brute determination and passion.
When I don't feel like working, and I'm bored of my computer games, I don't have anything to do. I sometimes decide to watch a movie or clean my room, and sometimes study some more about computers. Rarely do I read a book for recreational purposes, the only time I read is just before bed. So when I look at my life and all I care about it comes down to computers.
I've found I have a problem connecting with people due to my huge attachment to my one love and passion. I always connect with people who have an interest in computers, there's never a problem there. But I have no other hobby, and I can't really do small-talk about bullshit subjects. I figure this might change as I get interested in other things, but it's a fear that I'm just an geek who'll never connect with society in the way most people do.
I guess it's scaring me in a way. I'm so career-driven. I'm always thinking about learning more. Always thinking about what a great person I'll be when I'm reaping the benefits of all these seeds I'm sowing. But I'm not making friends, I'm not socialising, I'm not dating girls. I think one day I'll just be a freak that exists in his own world and won't be able to relate to weird non-computer people.
I'm frightened by everyone else's success and easy management of other aspects of their life. My sister, my friends, my best friend, my sister's friends, my cousin, and my other cousin. They're all finding the other parts of life, that don't revolve around their future. They're building a future whilst enjoying the present. Most are married, most have their own place. It's something I wish I could be doing. I'm regretting area's of my life and literally sickened by other parts. And I'm burying myself in various commitments as some kind of escape. It's lame and it's stupid, but it's what I've done.
I can't really see a way out of it. I can't force myself into taking an interest in things that I have no care of. But that means I have nothing mainstream to talk about with people I meet. Most people don't want to hear my opinions about the world, about politics, about computers. They're “boring” subjects that have limited interest to most.
Shanna and I don't really spend much time together. When we do we don't bond. She never calls, never comes round to see me. Ashley's pretty much the same too. Don't tell me they're spending quality time together because they're newly weds, because Ashley spends a lot of time working and sleeping. I still get annoyed with Ashley's attitude constantly, and it bothers me quite a lot - but that's been the same for about four years now.
Maybe when they're gone I can have more time to bury myself in some work? That's what would happen should you remove them from my life. I'm feeling suffocated. Not just by my life, but also by the country I'm living in. Many people may say; hey! Go out there and enjoy the world. You might say this if you're not from England. A young person with a mature attitude can't find any one to relate to here. This country is officially the worst in Europe for youth behavior. How can you go out and enjoy yourself in a cesspit of people? Maybe I'm just noticing the idiots and prats out there? Maybe I don't see the good nice people who are available to be friends with?
I need more interests, and I need more friends. Maybe this way I can become someone who I'll like. And not feel depressed about myself and my life. I'm a good person who tries to be a good friend to those I have...
...Maybe there are people out there who'll appreciate some love and attention, and give me some too.
I've been offered a place at Bournemouth University, which has given me a feeling of security in my decided future. I've thought long and hard about the commitment to study, and from all angles I see it as a wise investment in my future. I've come a long way in computing in the last few years, which has been down to brute determination and passion.
When I don't feel like working, and I'm bored of my computer games, I don't have anything to do. I sometimes decide to watch a movie or clean my room, and sometimes study some more about computers. Rarely do I read a book for recreational purposes, the only time I read is just before bed. So when I look at my life and all I care about it comes down to computers.
I've found I have a problem connecting with people due to my huge attachment to my one love and passion. I always connect with people who have an interest in computers, there's never a problem there. But I have no other hobby, and I can't really do small-talk about bullshit subjects. I figure this might change as I get interested in other things, but it's a fear that I'm just an geek who'll never connect with society in the way most people do.
I guess it's scaring me in a way. I'm so career-driven. I'm always thinking about learning more. Always thinking about what a great person I'll be when I'm reaping the benefits of all these seeds I'm sowing. But I'm not making friends, I'm not socialising, I'm not dating girls. I think one day I'll just be a freak that exists in his own world and won't be able to relate to weird non-computer people.
I'm frightened by everyone else's success and easy management of other aspects of their life. My sister, my friends, my best friend, my sister's friends, my cousin, and my other cousin. They're all finding the other parts of life, that don't revolve around their future. They're building a future whilst enjoying the present. Most are married, most have their own place. It's something I wish I could be doing. I'm regretting area's of my life and literally sickened by other parts. And I'm burying myself in various commitments as some kind of escape. It's lame and it's stupid, but it's what I've done.
I can't really see a way out of it. I can't force myself into taking an interest in things that I have no care of. But that means I have nothing mainstream to talk about with people I meet. Most people don't want to hear my opinions about the world, about politics, about computers. They're “boring” subjects that have limited interest to most.
Shanna and I don't really spend much time together. When we do we don't bond. She never calls, never comes round to see me. Ashley's pretty much the same too. Don't tell me they're spending quality time together because they're newly weds, because Ashley spends a lot of time working and sleeping. I still get annoyed with Ashley's attitude constantly, and it bothers me quite a lot - but that's been the same for about four years now.
Maybe when they're gone I can have more time to bury myself in some work? That's what would happen should you remove them from my life. I'm feeling suffocated. Not just by my life, but also by the country I'm living in. Many people may say; hey! Go out there and enjoy the world. You might say this if you're not from England. A young person with a mature attitude can't find any one to relate to here. This country is officially the worst in Europe for youth behavior. How can you go out and enjoy yourself in a cesspit of people? Maybe I'm just noticing the idiots and prats out there? Maybe I don't see the good nice people who are available to be friends with?
I need more interests, and I need more friends. Maybe this way I can become someone who I'll like. And not feel depressed about myself and my life. I'm a good person who tries to be a good friend to those I have...
...Maybe there are people out there who'll appreciate some love and attention, and give me some too.