[log] Akazawa
Who: Akazawa, Yoshiaki, Father Tanaka
When: Friday afternoon
Where: SeiRu then Tokyo streets
What: A startling phonecall has Akazawa rushing back to SeiRu, only to end up hearing the one thing he hoped never to hear.
Rating: PG-13 for mentions of darker subjects and implied sex
Notes: I'm not sure if I'm mean or not... >>;;
Akazawa was freaking out. Just a little bit. Not much. At least, not so much that people noticed. So maybe it was weird to see the senior going through the hallways of the Saint Rudolph dorms, since he didn't go to SeiRu anymore, but no one questioned it. They simply greeted him with smiles and waves and "Long time, no see, Akazawa-kun." Akazawa acknowledged each of them with a small nod and a smile and the occasional returned greeting, but he didn't stop. Not until he reached a senior's dorm and tried the handle. Locked. Sighing softly, he knocked lightly on the door. "Yoshiaki? You in there?"
He had the cover pulled over his head and he still felt like throwing up. Felt like screaming and crying again. It had been hours since he called Akazawa, but he still hurt, he still wished that he was dead. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Nothing was supposed to be like this. At first, he didn't even hear the knock on the door, or the soft voice calling out to him. But he sensed... Something. Yoshiaki stirred, pale body covered in welts, cuts and bruises, his left eye entirely sealed shut. He was wearing his pajama shirt and nothing more. "So--someone there...?"
The voice worked to give Akazawa a brief moment of calm. At least he was alive. "Yoshiaki, it's me," he said quietly, adjusting the bag he had brought with him on his shoulder. "It's Akazawa."
I begged him to come. I wanted him to come. But still. He hated himself. Hated himself for being so weak. "You shouldn't have come." He forced himself to his feet and walked up to the door. "I can't open... Don't have the key. He does."
Should've known... That bastard was using Yoshiaki to get to him. He had figured that out the moment he got that phone call. "I had to come, Yoshiaki, I had to," he said softly, trying the door handle again, just in case; just to prove to himself that there really was only one way to get in. "Are you okay?"
He shivered. He felt weak, so damn weak and pathetic, but... "He beat me. He beat me so bad... And... He used... Used the crucifix... Not the big one, no, not the big one... But the one he has around his neck. Used it to... To..." He couldn't continue. Please God, please God, oh, please...
Akazawa cringed. That was enough.... "Yoshiaki, stay in bed," He said, trying to make his voice as steady and confident as possible. "Sleep if you can. I'll be back... soon." He had to get that key, no matter what it took.
"Yoshi... Please... Don't..." But his pleas were weak, without power. He had none left. Maybe he never had had any to begin with. He dragged himself back to bed, crying bitterly long before he buried his face into his pillow.
"I'll be okay, Yoshi," Akazawa managed a weak smile as he crouched down. Hands reached up to the back of his neck, unclasping the chain there and lifted the rosary from under his shirt. Carefully, he tucked it under the door with a soft, "Look after my rosary for me. I'll be back for it," before he stood and raced down the hall, headed towards the office of the head priest.
"I..." I will. But... You will continue to break. You won't be whole when you come back for me. It's my fault. It's always been my fault.
-
Tanaka Saboru sat in his chair, reading a passage in Revelations. Beside him was a glass of grape soda, Ponta, actually, which was the next best thing you could have when you weren't really allowed to drink wine.
Subtlety was not exactly Akazawa's forte. It never really had been, especially when he wasn't in a good mood. So it was no surprise that the office door was pretty much kicked in when he reached it and marched straight up to desk. A fist banged down on the surface. "Where the fuck is Yoshiaki's key?"
Father Tanaka looked up, frowning, the image of a benevolent, kind and concerned priest. "Ah, my Son. Welcome back to Saint Rudolph. ... You might have to call your father to pay for that." He nodded at the nick in the door. "What brings you here? And my, how you've filled out. They must be feeding you over in Hokkaido."
"Where is Yoshiaki's key?" Akazawa ground out through clenched teeth. Oh, how he wanted to punch the guy's face in - and, really, he could get away with it better now since he was no longer a student - but he resisted. He wanted to get through this with as little incidence as possible; get to Yoshiaki as quick as possible.
"Ah, you mean Benji-kun? What's wrong with him?" Tanaka looked innocently at him. "I'm sure if he's throwing a tantrum, there are other people... People who haven't abandoned the school, who might want to look after him. Maybe I should call for Nomura-kun?"
This was going nowhere. Akazawa could feel his legs start to give way. The anger seeped from his body, taking with it his strength and leaving him feeling weak. He had to brace himself against the desk as he bowed his head, closing his eyes. "Please," he winced at the almost begging tone of his voice. "I'll do anything..."
"You know," Father Tanaka said, and his voice suddenly lost the warmth that had been there just seconds ago. "Nomura-kun... He always felt left out. Always alone, always on the side. Your vice captain. But never truly a part of the team, am I right? You boys all made fun of him. He was lonely. Very, very lonely." He came up behind Akazawa, pressing his body against the boy's, one hand slowly tracing a pattern up one muscular thigh, cupping a buttock. "You know. You know what you have to do, don't you, Yoshirou?"
"Y-You promised..." Akazawa's voice shook as he forced himself not to flinch away from the touch. He had left to get away from this... Yet he had ended up right where the bastard wanted him. 'You promised you wouldn't touch them... any of them..."
"But Takuya-kun's just craving for attention. It made him happy, I promise." Father Tanaka smiled, almost cheerfully, and whispered into Akazawa's ear. "How about it? One last time, for old time's sake. Before you get too old for me. ... You already are, but... I can... Make an exception..." One hand over Akazawa's face, thumb tracing along the lower lip, thrusting in between the teeth before pulling back. "... Just for you, Ginger. And then you'll have the key. You... You look just like Jesus..." ... Why talk about Jesus when you're a Catholic priest...?
Akazawa couldn't find his voice. His mouth opened but no noise came out, so he just nodded. He didn't want to, he really didn't want to, but he had to. For Yoshiaki.
Yes, he truly did. At least where Father Tanaka was concerned.
Maybe half an hour later, Father Tanaka waved a small, non-descript key in front of Akazawa's face. "Yoshirou-kun. Here you go. It's all yours. But... I hope you'll disappear from the school grounds soon. You're trespassing, you see."
Akazawa snatched the key, holding it tightly. He refused to look at him, his free hand reaching up to wipe at his eyes. It had been years since he had cried through the torture, but he couldn't help it now. The tears had started at the start and hadn't stopped since. He tried to make short work of getting dressed again, but found it hard, his hands shaking.
Father Tanaka simply watched him calmly, his face a blank, smiling mask.
Once he was dressed, Akazawa grabbed his bag and pulled it onto his shoulder, refusing to even glance at the man as he left. He shook as he walked and kept his head bowed as he made a beeline for Yoshiaki's door. He had had enough thought to pull his hair back, tying it out of the way, just so it didn't look messy anymore - and to get rid of the Jesus look. The key slid into the keyhole and turned, unlocking the door and pushing it open without any warning.
Yoshiaki Benji was hidden underneath the covers again, still as death, and he squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that it wasn't Father Tanaka that had come back for him. Not again, not again, oh please, no, not again...
"Yoshi," Akazawa said quietly, closing the door behind him. He dropped his bag off his shoulder and moved to stand beside the bed. "I'm back."
The covers pulled back and Yoshiaki sat up, still dressed only in the pajama top. The bruises started at his brow and continued all the way down to his knees. Strangely enough his claves and feet were without lacerations at all. "... Yoshi... I... What did you...? I'm sorry..."
Akazawa just gave a weak smile and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "I'm fine," he said quietly, reaching down on to the ground and pulled his bag closer, pulling a first aid kit out. "Are you okay?"
"It hurts," Yoshiaki mumbled. "Everything hurts... It hurts so bad. He was never like this... Never. It's like he wanted you to come back, no matter what..."
"You're okay, now," Akazawa murmured, pulling him into a loose hug, trying not to irritate any of the injuries. "He wanted to make me regret leaving." And now he couldn't stay for long. That bastard had probably already alerted the nuns that there was a trespasser who needed to be removed.
"... I want out of here." But his parents wanted him to become a priest. His mother had three sisters who were nuns. He couldn't just... She would never understand.
"I know you do, Yoshi," Akazawa slowly let go, opening the first aid kit. "Take your shirt off." He wanted to make sure none of thesse wounds were too bad.
"No!"
Akazawa just watched him for a moment, face completely unreadable. "Yoshi... please... It's because of me you're like this.."
"It's because of me you have to suffer." He looked up, tears streaking down his cheeks. "If I wasn't so weak... If I could stand up to myself... You wouldn't have to. You... You could..."
"Yoshi," Akazawa swiped his thumbs over his friend's cheeks, wiping away the tears. "I chose to do this. I made the decision to do this so I could protect you and so I could protect everyone else from him."
Yoshiaki shoved his hand away. "We didn't ask for it!"
Akazawa bit his lip and looked away. It wasn't often that he couldn't keep his strength around Yoshiaki, but he was finding it harder and harder to not let his emotions take over.
"We... I... Didn't want you to destroy yourself. Don't you understand? Don't you understand how great it felt when you got out of here? We hoped you'd never come back. Never. But... I... I brought you back... I did. I'm... I'm so sorry..."
"I can't stay away," Akazawa said quietly, pulling the hair tie from his hair and running a hand through it with a small shudder. "Not as long as he's here and hurting people... hurting you... "
"He won't. Not much longer. Says I'm too old." Yoshiaki shrugged. "We're too old. Know what that means?"
"...He needs to go," Akazawa murmured staring down at his lap. "But we can't break oath..." Well, anymore than he already had at least.
"Who cares about any damn oath?! I'm going to leave the Church. It's not worth it. It can't be worth it. It's... It's... God does not want this, does he? Adam? Moses?"
Akazawa squeezed his eyes shut, a hand clutching at his gut and leaning forward. It wasn't physical pain - he was long numb to that by now. It just plain hurt. "I don't know..." he managed to get out, his voice shaking and his hair falling around his face.
"Just get away. You can change. You can give God and everyone the finger. Do it. Just... Leave. Or... no. Not God. Just the sons of a bitches that think they know God. They don't. They defile him. Don't let them defile him, please..."
"... I'm scared, Yoshi," Akazawa gave up holding back and let the tears just roll down his cheeks.
"... Don't you think I am? What do you think it's been like since you left? What do you think it's been like before you left? I knew... I knew what you gave up and I hated it. I wanted to... I couldn't. I'm too weak. You got hurt in my place. I... Please. Just... Just go. Leave. I don't want to see you. You've destroyed me. Don't you understand that? You destroyed whatever confidence I had in myself. It's you!"
Akazawa froze, eyes wide and staring down at his lap. It was the last thing he wanted to hear. He had only had good intentions with what he was doing. "I-I..." His voice shook and he couldn't bring himself to say anything and just packed his first aid kit back into his bag and stood, putting his bag on his shoulder and grabbing his rosary before all but running out of the room and down the hall.
It was hard to keep running; running away from somewhere he had considered home for six long years and from someone he had been trying to protect for almost as long. Trying because it seemed all he had done was destroy what he tried to save. He didn’t stop running until he reached the main road, where he only stopped because the amount of people around was suddenly close packed and hard to run through. So he took a moment to take a deep breath in and wipe his face, pulling his hair back off his face. He called on his old confidence before walking, not quite sure where he was going or what he was planning.
He considered going to his parents, but he couldn’t. Not so soon after being with that man. He felt too dirty for that. There was always his brother… No, he couldn’t go there. He would have his boyfriend there. So Akazawa subjected himself to just aimlessly wandering the streets, his rosary wrapped tightly around one hand that was shoved into the pocket of his pants.
As he wandered the streets, the crowds slowly transformed from prim and proper businessmen and women to the more rebellious, younger crowd, with the outrageous fashion sense. He continued to just let his feet carry him, until the streets began to empty again and he was soon one of the only ones still walking the streets.
When his feet finally stopped moving, he found himself in front of an apartment door which was slowly opening - Did I knock….? - revealing a male a few years older than himself. With a weak smile, he collapsed forward.
“Yoshi!”
When: Friday afternoon
Where: SeiRu then Tokyo streets
What: A startling phonecall has Akazawa rushing back to SeiRu, only to end up hearing the one thing he hoped never to hear.
Rating: PG-13 for mentions of darker subjects and implied sex
Notes: I'm not sure if I'm mean or not... >>;;
Akazawa was freaking out. Just a little bit. Not much. At least, not so much that people noticed. So maybe it was weird to see the senior going through the hallways of the Saint Rudolph dorms, since he didn't go to SeiRu anymore, but no one questioned it. They simply greeted him with smiles and waves and "Long time, no see, Akazawa-kun." Akazawa acknowledged each of them with a small nod and a smile and the occasional returned greeting, but he didn't stop. Not until he reached a senior's dorm and tried the handle. Locked. Sighing softly, he knocked lightly on the door. "Yoshiaki? You in there?"
He had the cover pulled over his head and he still felt like throwing up. Felt like screaming and crying again. It had been hours since he called Akazawa, but he still hurt, he still wished that he was dead. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Nothing was supposed to be like this. At first, he didn't even hear the knock on the door, or the soft voice calling out to him. But he sensed... Something. Yoshiaki stirred, pale body covered in welts, cuts and bruises, his left eye entirely sealed shut. He was wearing his pajama shirt and nothing more. "So--someone there...?"
The voice worked to give Akazawa a brief moment of calm. At least he was alive. "Yoshiaki, it's me," he said quietly, adjusting the bag he had brought with him on his shoulder. "It's Akazawa."
I begged him to come. I wanted him to come. But still. He hated himself. Hated himself for being so weak. "You shouldn't have come." He forced himself to his feet and walked up to the door. "I can't open... Don't have the key. He does."
Should've known... That bastard was using Yoshiaki to get to him. He had figured that out the moment he got that phone call. "I had to come, Yoshiaki, I had to," he said softly, trying the door handle again, just in case; just to prove to himself that there really was only one way to get in. "Are you okay?"
He shivered. He felt weak, so damn weak and pathetic, but... "He beat me. He beat me so bad... And... He used... Used the crucifix... Not the big one, no, not the big one... But the one he has around his neck. Used it to... To..." He couldn't continue. Please God, please God, oh, please...
Akazawa cringed. That was enough.... "Yoshiaki, stay in bed," He said, trying to make his voice as steady and confident as possible. "Sleep if you can. I'll be back... soon." He had to get that key, no matter what it took.
"Yoshi... Please... Don't..." But his pleas were weak, without power. He had none left. Maybe he never had had any to begin with. He dragged himself back to bed, crying bitterly long before he buried his face into his pillow.
"I'll be okay, Yoshi," Akazawa managed a weak smile as he crouched down. Hands reached up to the back of his neck, unclasping the chain there and lifted the rosary from under his shirt. Carefully, he tucked it under the door with a soft, "Look after my rosary for me. I'll be back for it," before he stood and raced down the hall, headed towards the office of the head priest.
"I..." I will. But... You will continue to break. You won't be whole when you come back for me. It's my fault. It's always been my fault.
-
Tanaka Saboru sat in his chair, reading a passage in Revelations. Beside him was a glass of grape soda, Ponta, actually, which was the next best thing you could have when you weren't really allowed to drink wine.
Subtlety was not exactly Akazawa's forte. It never really had been, especially when he wasn't in a good mood. So it was no surprise that the office door was pretty much kicked in when he reached it and marched straight up to desk. A fist banged down on the surface. "Where the fuck is Yoshiaki's key?"
Father Tanaka looked up, frowning, the image of a benevolent, kind and concerned priest. "Ah, my Son. Welcome back to Saint Rudolph. ... You might have to call your father to pay for that." He nodded at the nick in the door. "What brings you here? And my, how you've filled out. They must be feeding you over in Hokkaido."
"Where is Yoshiaki's key?" Akazawa ground out through clenched teeth. Oh, how he wanted to punch the guy's face in - and, really, he could get away with it better now since he was no longer a student - but he resisted. He wanted to get through this with as little incidence as possible; get to Yoshiaki as quick as possible.
"Ah, you mean Benji-kun? What's wrong with him?" Tanaka looked innocently at him. "I'm sure if he's throwing a tantrum, there are other people... People who haven't abandoned the school, who might want to look after him. Maybe I should call for Nomura-kun?"
This was going nowhere. Akazawa could feel his legs start to give way. The anger seeped from his body, taking with it his strength and leaving him feeling weak. He had to brace himself against the desk as he bowed his head, closing his eyes. "Please," he winced at the almost begging tone of his voice. "I'll do anything..."
"You know," Father Tanaka said, and his voice suddenly lost the warmth that had been there just seconds ago. "Nomura-kun... He always felt left out. Always alone, always on the side. Your vice captain. But never truly a part of the team, am I right? You boys all made fun of him. He was lonely. Very, very lonely." He came up behind Akazawa, pressing his body against the boy's, one hand slowly tracing a pattern up one muscular thigh, cupping a buttock. "You know. You know what you have to do, don't you, Yoshirou?"
"Y-You promised..." Akazawa's voice shook as he forced himself not to flinch away from the touch. He had left to get away from this... Yet he had ended up right where the bastard wanted him. 'You promised you wouldn't touch them... any of them..."
"But Takuya-kun's just craving for attention. It made him happy, I promise." Father Tanaka smiled, almost cheerfully, and whispered into Akazawa's ear. "How about it? One last time, for old time's sake. Before you get too old for me. ... You already are, but... I can... Make an exception..." One hand over Akazawa's face, thumb tracing along the lower lip, thrusting in between the teeth before pulling back. "... Just for you, Ginger. And then you'll have the key. You... You look just like Jesus..." ... Why talk about Jesus when you're a Catholic priest...?
Akazawa couldn't find his voice. His mouth opened but no noise came out, so he just nodded. He didn't want to, he really didn't want to, but he had to. For Yoshiaki.
Yes, he truly did. At least where Father Tanaka was concerned.
Maybe half an hour later, Father Tanaka waved a small, non-descript key in front of Akazawa's face. "Yoshirou-kun. Here you go. It's all yours. But... I hope you'll disappear from the school grounds soon. You're trespassing, you see."
Akazawa snatched the key, holding it tightly. He refused to look at him, his free hand reaching up to wipe at his eyes. It had been years since he had cried through the torture, but he couldn't help it now. The tears had started at the start and hadn't stopped since. He tried to make short work of getting dressed again, but found it hard, his hands shaking.
Father Tanaka simply watched him calmly, his face a blank, smiling mask.
Once he was dressed, Akazawa grabbed his bag and pulled it onto his shoulder, refusing to even glance at the man as he left. He shook as he walked and kept his head bowed as he made a beeline for Yoshiaki's door. He had had enough thought to pull his hair back, tying it out of the way, just so it didn't look messy anymore - and to get rid of the Jesus look. The key slid into the keyhole and turned, unlocking the door and pushing it open without any warning.
Yoshiaki Benji was hidden underneath the covers again, still as death, and he squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that it wasn't Father Tanaka that had come back for him. Not again, not again, oh please, no, not again...
"Yoshi," Akazawa said quietly, closing the door behind him. He dropped his bag off his shoulder and moved to stand beside the bed. "I'm back."
The covers pulled back and Yoshiaki sat up, still dressed only in the pajama top. The bruises started at his brow and continued all the way down to his knees. Strangely enough his claves and feet were without lacerations at all. "... Yoshi... I... What did you...? I'm sorry..."
Akazawa just gave a weak smile and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "I'm fine," he said quietly, reaching down on to the ground and pulled his bag closer, pulling a first aid kit out. "Are you okay?"
"It hurts," Yoshiaki mumbled. "Everything hurts... It hurts so bad. He was never like this... Never. It's like he wanted you to come back, no matter what..."
"You're okay, now," Akazawa murmured, pulling him into a loose hug, trying not to irritate any of the injuries. "He wanted to make me regret leaving." And now he couldn't stay for long. That bastard had probably already alerted the nuns that there was a trespasser who needed to be removed.
"... I want out of here." But his parents wanted him to become a priest. His mother had three sisters who were nuns. He couldn't just... She would never understand.
"I know you do, Yoshi," Akazawa slowly let go, opening the first aid kit. "Take your shirt off." He wanted to make sure none of thesse wounds were too bad.
"No!"
Akazawa just watched him for a moment, face completely unreadable. "Yoshi... please... It's because of me you're like this.."
"It's because of me you have to suffer." He looked up, tears streaking down his cheeks. "If I wasn't so weak... If I could stand up to myself... You wouldn't have to. You... You could..."
"Yoshi," Akazawa swiped his thumbs over his friend's cheeks, wiping away the tears. "I chose to do this. I made the decision to do this so I could protect you and so I could protect everyone else from him."
Yoshiaki shoved his hand away. "We didn't ask for it!"
Akazawa bit his lip and looked away. It wasn't often that he couldn't keep his strength around Yoshiaki, but he was finding it harder and harder to not let his emotions take over.
"We... I... Didn't want you to destroy yourself. Don't you understand? Don't you understand how great it felt when you got out of here? We hoped you'd never come back. Never. But... I... I brought you back... I did. I'm... I'm so sorry..."
"I can't stay away," Akazawa said quietly, pulling the hair tie from his hair and running a hand through it with a small shudder. "Not as long as he's here and hurting people... hurting you... "
"He won't. Not much longer. Says I'm too old." Yoshiaki shrugged. "We're too old. Know what that means?"
"...He needs to go," Akazawa murmured staring down at his lap. "But we can't break oath..." Well, anymore than he already had at least.
"Who cares about any damn oath?! I'm going to leave the Church. It's not worth it. It can't be worth it. It's... It's... God does not want this, does he? Adam? Moses?"
Akazawa squeezed his eyes shut, a hand clutching at his gut and leaning forward. It wasn't physical pain - he was long numb to that by now. It just plain hurt. "I don't know..." he managed to get out, his voice shaking and his hair falling around his face.
"Just get away. You can change. You can give God and everyone the finger. Do it. Just... Leave. Or... no. Not God. Just the sons of a bitches that think they know God. They don't. They defile him. Don't let them defile him, please..."
"... I'm scared, Yoshi," Akazawa gave up holding back and let the tears just roll down his cheeks.
"... Don't you think I am? What do you think it's been like since you left? What do you think it's been like before you left? I knew... I knew what you gave up and I hated it. I wanted to... I couldn't. I'm too weak. You got hurt in my place. I... Please. Just... Just go. Leave. I don't want to see you. You've destroyed me. Don't you understand that? You destroyed whatever confidence I had in myself. It's you!"
Akazawa froze, eyes wide and staring down at his lap. It was the last thing he wanted to hear. He had only had good intentions with what he was doing. "I-I..." His voice shook and he couldn't bring himself to say anything and just packed his first aid kit back into his bag and stood, putting his bag on his shoulder and grabbing his rosary before all but running out of the room and down the hall.
It was hard to keep running; running away from somewhere he had considered home for six long years and from someone he had been trying to protect for almost as long. Trying because it seemed all he had done was destroy what he tried to save. He didn’t stop running until he reached the main road, where he only stopped because the amount of people around was suddenly close packed and hard to run through. So he took a moment to take a deep breath in and wipe his face, pulling his hair back off his face. He called on his old confidence before walking, not quite sure where he was going or what he was planning.
He considered going to his parents, but he couldn’t. Not so soon after being with that man. He felt too dirty for that. There was always his brother… No, he couldn’t go there. He would have his boyfriend there. So Akazawa subjected himself to just aimlessly wandering the streets, his rosary wrapped tightly around one hand that was shoved into the pocket of his pants.
As he wandered the streets, the crowds slowly transformed from prim and proper businessmen and women to the more rebellious, younger crowd, with the outrageous fashion sense. He continued to just let his feet carry him, until the streets began to empty again and he was soon one of the only ones still walking the streets.
When his feet finally stopped moving, he found himself in front of an apartment door which was slowly opening - Did I knock….? - revealing a male a few years older than himself. With a weak smile, he collapsed forward.
“Yoshi!”