overwhelmed
Sooooo I am moving back to Mount Pleasant.
I knew I would eventually, and when I moved in with Matt I gave myself a year cut-off time in which I'd take off before going back to school. Well, my loans didn't quite go through right this semester, and I think I know why, so I am going to try and enroll for classes at CMU for the spring semester. I am moving now because my friend Brandon graciously told me I could move in with him and Kyle in a 3-level townhouse. Rent is cheap and I LOVE those bois, plus my little kitties are coming. So I know it will be good for me, it's what I need to do.
Other than Matt, there's nothing for me in Lansing. The people are really nice, but I haven't really "clicked" with anyone like I do in Mt.P. I need an education though. I don't want to be a host the rest of my life. I want to work with foundations and start my own. And I really think this time 'round I will do a lot better academically because I really appreciate it now. I am really excited, and I'm really happy, but I am also really sad. I have to find a job in Mt.P, and I hope it goes smoother than last time I tried finding a job. And it's just like...although I haven't made the friends as I did in Mt.P, and even though Matt and I have gone through our tough times, I'm really going to miss Lansing. My job wasn't bad, people were always nice, and I just loved knowing that I always had someone to come home to that loved me. Even if I was having a bad day, I came home to a home. I have felt real independence here, something I have constantly strived for. Much the same, I have realized how somewhat co-dependent I have become on Matt. And that's not me, I'm not co-dependent at all! But like if I was broke and hungry, Matt would take care of me. And even though I think he has committment issues, i.e. he never wants to get married, he really has done so much for me. And I really do love him.
We plan on sticking together even through my move...like when we first dated, he would drive an hour up from Lansing to come see me when he got out of work or on his nights off. I know it's going to be harder now because he has two jobs and ALWAYS works, but I'm hoping he has just as big of a will to make this work as I do. I suppose if it's meant to be, it'll be. But it's scary...when I told him the news he didn't really reacts...the next day I asked him how he felt about it he said, "I'm upset but it will be good for you. You need an education." I know he's supportive, but I am also very insecure about our situation. He says he won't break up with me and that he'll come see me, but that's what he SAYS. People do change how they feel. I don't know, it sucks because I really AM totally excited about my move, but I just have a hard time dealing with change. I worry about Matt getting lonley, at least I'll have roomates. I worry about just general things...like if he's taking good care of himself. Yeah our relationship has flaws, but I really do care for him.
It just sucks because I'm 21, and I not planning on getting married until after I graduate from college and am financially stable...it's down the line But at the same time, I love having the one I love to come home to. I like having "our home" and sharing things together. It's special to me. And sometimes I wish I could be like most people my age and be concerned with getting drunk all the time and partying...but I'm over it honestly. I know I sound boring and old...I mean I can get out and have a good time...but the things that matter most to me in my life directly correlate with the one person who I love. And that is Matt. So this is tough. I'm trying not to think about it, because I get excited, then night comes and we cuddle in bed and then I get depressed and tear up. I mean we have a life together here. But I know it's not where I need to be right now. I am terrified that he is going to leave me, that is what is scarring me most. I don't know...
I need a drink.
I knew I would eventually, and when I moved in with Matt I gave myself a year cut-off time in which I'd take off before going back to school. Well, my loans didn't quite go through right this semester, and I think I know why, so I am going to try and enroll for classes at CMU for the spring semester. I am moving now because my friend Brandon graciously told me I could move in with him and Kyle in a 3-level townhouse. Rent is cheap and I LOVE those bois, plus my little kitties are coming. So I know it will be good for me, it's what I need to do.
Other than Matt, there's nothing for me in Lansing. The people are really nice, but I haven't really "clicked" with anyone like I do in Mt.P. I need an education though. I don't want to be a host the rest of my life. I want to work with foundations and start my own. And I really think this time 'round I will do a lot better academically because I really appreciate it now. I am really excited, and I'm really happy, but I am also really sad. I have to find a job in Mt.P, and I hope it goes smoother than last time I tried finding a job. And it's just like...although I haven't made the friends as I did in Mt.P, and even though Matt and I have gone through our tough times, I'm really going to miss Lansing. My job wasn't bad, people were always nice, and I just loved knowing that I always had someone to come home to that loved me. Even if I was having a bad day, I came home to a home. I have felt real independence here, something I have constantly strived for. Much the same, I have realized how somewhat co-dependent I have become on Matt. And that's not me, I'm not co-dependent at all! But like if I was broke and hungry, Matt would take care of me. And even though I think he has committment issues, i.e. he never wants to get married, he really has done so much for me. And I really do love him.
We plan on sticking together even through my move...like when we first dated, he would drive an hour up from Lansing to come see me when he got out of work or on his nights off. I know it's going to be harder now because he has two jobs and ALWAYS works, but I'm hoping he has just as big of a will to make this work as I do. I suppose if it's meant to be, it'll be. But it's scary...when I told him the news he didn't really reacts...the next day I asked him how he felt about it he said, "I'm upset but it will be good for you. You need an education." I know he's supportive, but I am also very insecure about our situation. He says he won't break up with me and that he'll come see me, but that's what he SAYS. People do change how they feel. I don't know, it sucks because I really AM totally excited about my move, but I just have a hard time dealing with change. I worry about Matt getting lonley, at least I'll have roomates. I worry about just general things...like if he's taking good care of himself. Yeah our relationship has flaws, but I really do care for him.
It just sucks because I'm 21, and I not planning on getting married until after I graduate from college and am financially stable...it's down the line But at the same time, I love having the one I love to come home to. I like having "our home" and sharing things together. It's special to me. And sometimes I wish I could be like most people my age and be concerned with getting drunk all the time and partying...but I'm over it honestly. I know I sound boring and old...I mean I can get out and have a good time...but the things that matter most to me in my life directly correlate with the one person who I love. And that is Matt. So this is tough. I'm trying not to think about it, because I get excited, then night comes and we cuddle in bed and then I get depressed and tear up. I mean we have a life together here. But I know it's not where I need to be right now. I am terrified that he is going to leave me, that is what is scarring me most. I don't know...
I need a drink.