(no subject)
I smile and nod as the days pass me by. Faster and faster they go with each passing year. From morning till night, I am as happy as can be. So I think, But then after everyone's asleep I am left alone with just myself. Not my most favorite company I will admit. I dont like to spend to much time alone because I become unhappy and confused. I like to stay busy and distracted. My head fills with what ifs and self doubt. I have come to the conclusion that I really dont like myself. I think I am to much like my mother. I dont mean to be nor do I wish to be. It just happens I think. I try so damn hard to be everything to everyone. To keep all the balls up in the air while balancing oh so carefully on a wire. If I were to slip all would be lost. So my internal conflict must be kept to a minimal. That wire is so fine and slippery. Someone always trying to knock me down. I find myself during the day sometimes just wanting to jump off the damn thing and drop everything. Then what!? I really would end up alone. I feel so damn crazy sometimes. I love my family so much but its just so much more than that. The whole damn world seems to be breathing down my neck. My whole life I have been fighting the same war.. I am just not good enough for anything or anyone. I am a failure. No matter how I try to prove otherwise I always come up short (see I was just born that way). I know this is a pity party here I am throwing but if I didn't write it I might say it. I have to get it off my chest and out of my head. Their are just somethings you just dont tell anyone if you dont want them to see you differently. I dont want to be even less of a person for being week too. God help me and grant me your grace.