Just Sitting Pondering
I really dont know how to feel right now or even HOW i feel. I have been in this rut since dad died and i dont know how to get out. I still have dreams at night like weird dreams but in them dads still alive or is dying in another way. the first thing i wnated to do when steve proposed was to call and tell him and mom. i feel like a bad daughter because i cannot hear his voice anymore. and i feel stupid. other people can just let go, but for some reason i cant move on. i have and then agin i havent. i can still see him on that hospital bed when i close my eyes. and so many things pop up and i think of him.
am i really that bad because i cant hear his voice anymore? there are times i just wanht to sit and cry like a child saying i want my daddy but he wont come. why cant i just be like everyone else and go past it. i have tryed talking to specialists and it doesnt help. i know hes in a better place and i am being very selfish for wanhting him back as he was in so muich pain while he was alive. but i cannot deny it i want him back. i miss him so much.
i know he would have liked steve. and he would have approved of him wholeheartedly. and on the same note i dont even know why i am writing this right now. i keep closing off parts of myself thinking things will get better and they dont. we went through so much those few months. but in the same res[pect i know i am very luckiy. i got to say goodbye which alot of people dont get. we even got to spend his final hours with him and be with him when he passed on. and in a since i get comfort from that. but in the same since i still hurt. the hurt isnt going away. everyohne told me time heals all wounds but this one isnt. it isnt getting smaller,m it isnt going away its just there.
anyway gonna go watch some more dvds and wait for steve to come home. he always makes me feel better to see his smiling face.
am i really that bad because i cant hear his voice anymore? there are times i just wanht to sit and cry like a child saying i want my daddy but he wont come. why cant i just be like everyone else and go past it. i have tryed talking to specialists and it doesnt help. i know hes in a better place and i am being very selfish for wanhting him back as he was in so muich pain while he was alive. but i cannot deny it i want him back. i miss him so much.
i know he would have liked steve. and he would have approved of him wholeheartedly. and on the same note i dont even know why i am writing this right now. i keep closing off parts of myself thinking things will get better and they dont. we went through so much those few months. but in the same res[pect i know i am very luckiy. i got to say goodbye which alot of people dont get. we even got to spend his final hours with him and be with him when he passed on. and in a since i get comfort from that. but in the same since i still hurt. the hurt isnt going away. everyohne told me time heals all wounds but this one isnt. it isnt getting smaller,m it isnt going away its just there.
anyway gonna go watch some more dvds and wait for steve to come home. he always makes me feel better to see his smiling face.