And I Think It Was Better When I Didn't Know
Title: And I Think It Was Better When I Didn't Know
Characters: Astrid Farnsworth. Mentions of Lincoln, Peter, Walter, Olivia, Alt!Astrid.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers up to 4x14, goes AU a bit after that.
Summary: Astrid remembers everything.
None of them had known what to make of it at first when Olivia first said that she remembered Peter. It wasn’t possible. And then when Walter had suspected that she might have been dosed with Cortexiphan recently, Astrid still hadn’t understood how Olivia could remember Peter’s timeline better than her own, but she’d accepted it. That was what happened when you worked in Fringe division. Everything still got to her, as she’d explained to Olivia, and she still needed to see the department shrink, but she’d got past the stage where she ever questioned anything any more.
But now Astrid’s remembering, too, and she wishes that she wasn’t.
Had she started remembering before, she wonders, when the other Astrid had told her that her relationship with her father had been tense and Astrid had agreed that her relationship with her own father had been similar? She’d struggled to understand that at the time, since she and her father had always been close. Had she just been trying to make the other Astrid feel better about the relationship she’d had with her father? That was what she’d told herself at the time, and she’d even believed it. But now it’s starting to come back to her, how she and her father had never been close in the original timeline. Was that what Astrid had been remembering when she had said that?
Astrid’s tried not to let those memories intrude when she’s with her father. He doesn’t remember anything of the timeline where he was distant, and Astrid wishes she could keep it that way. But she finds herself unconsciously pulling back from him now, remembering the way he pulled away whenever she reached out to him for comfort before.
She knows that it’s wrong for her to feel like this. These last three years when she’s been working with Walter, they’ve had lots of conversations about the guilt Walter had always felt about his inability to save his own son, and about how he was responsible for the death of the other universe’s Peter. Now Walter has a second chance with Peter, a chance to be the father he’d always wanted to be. He’s not punishing himself any more, he’s taking the chance to build a relationship with Peter.
And Olivia’s happy, in a way that Astrid hasn’t seen her since Agent Scott was killed, and even less so since Charlie. In other circumstances, Astrid might even have laughed at the fact that she and Olivia had been joking about the fact that Olivia’s type didn’t exist not so long ago, only for it to turn out to have been more true than they had thought. But not now, not when the Olivia in front of her isn’t the Olivia she’d been friends with.
But what Astrid really doesn’t like remembering is her role in the division as it was then. She’s a Fringe agent now, she gets to go out in the field; now she remembers being the lab rat and glorified babysitter to Walter, stuck with the donkey work while Olivia and Peter got to go out and solve the cases. She also remembers the times in the previous timeline when she’d actually been able to go out in the field, like that time in Edina with Project Elephant and the time not too long afterwards when she’d been there with Walter and Broyles in that building, trying to help them find the cure for Peter and all those others with the virus, and she remembers the crushing disappointment she’d tried so hard not to let show when those cases were done and she was just expected to do all the lab work again in that case where the toxin was used to poison all the Staller family members at that wedding. She feels that all over again now, but it’s worse this time, because now she knows what it was like to be a proper Fringe agent.
There’s a difference in the way they talk to her now; where once she and Olivia would confide in each other, now there’s an awkwardness between them. It’s all of them, really, except Lincoln, who hadn’t really known her before.
Astrid watches Lincoln, without him being aware of it, as he watches Peter and Olivia laughing together. If anyone might understand how she’s feeling, it’s him. She’s not going to say anything, and she suspects he won’t either. But it helps her just to know he’s there, and that he understands.
Characters: Astrid Farnsworth. Mentions of Lincoln, Peter, Walter, Olivia, Alt!Astrid.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers up to 4x14, goes AU a bit after that.
Summary: Astrid remembers everything.
None of them had known what to make of it at first when Olivia first said that she remembered Peter. It wasn’t possible. And then when Walter had suspected that she might have been dosed with Cortexiphan recently, Astrid still hadn’t understood how Olivia could remember Peter’s timeline better than her own, but she’d accepted it. That was what happened when you worked in Fringe division. Everything still got to her, as she’d explained to Olivia, and she still needed to see the department shrink, but she’d got past the stage where she ever questioned anything any more.
But now Astrid’s remembering, too, and she wishes that she wasn’t.
Had she started remembering before, she wonders, when the other Astrid had told her that her relationship with her father had been tense and Astrid had agreed that her relationship with her own father had been similar? She’d struggled to understand that at the time, since she and her father had always been close. Had she just been trying to make the other Astrid feel better about the relationship she’d had with her father? That was what she’d told herself at the time, and she’d even believed it. But now it’s starting to come back to her, how she and her father had never been close in the original timeline. Was that what Astrid had been remembering when she had said that?
Astrid’s tried not to let those memories intrude when she’s with her father. He doesn’t remember anything of the timeline where he was distant, and Astrid wishes she could keep it that way. But she finds herself unconsciously pulling back from him now, remembering the way he pulled away whenever she reached out to him for comfort before.
She knows that it’s wrong for her to feel like this. These last three years when she’s been working with Walter, they’ve had lots of conversations about the guilt Walter had always felt about his inability to save his own son, and about how he was responsible for the death of the other universe’s Peter. Now Walter has a second chance with Peter, a chance to be the father he’d always wanted to be. He’s not punishing himself any more, he’s taking the chance to build a relationship with Peter.
And Olivia’s happy, in a way that Astrid hasn’t seen her since Agent Scott was killed, and even less so since Charlie. In other circumstances, Astrid might even have laughed at the fact that she and Olivia had been joking about the fact that Olivia’s type didn’t exist not so long ago, only for it to turn out to have been more true than they had thought. But not now, not when the Olivia in front of her isn’t the Olivia she’d been friends with.
But what Astrid really doesn’t like remembering is her role in the division as it was then. She’s a Fringe agent now, she gets to go out in the field; now she remembers being the lab rat and glorified babysitter to Walter, stuck with the donkey work while Olivia and Peter got to go out and solve the cases. She also remembers the times in the previous timeline when she’d actually been able to go out in the field, like that time in Edina with Project Elephant and the time not too long afterwards when she’d been there with Walter and Broyles in that building, trying to help them find the cure for Peter and all those others with the virus, and she remembers the crushing disappointment she’d tried so hard not to let show when those cases were done and she was just expected to do all the lab work again in that case where the toxin was used to poison all the Staller family members at that wedding. She feels that all over again now, but it’s worse this time, because now she knows what it was like to be a proper Fringe agent.
There’s a difference in the way they talk to her now; where once she and Olivia would confide in each other, now there’s an awkwardness between them. It’s all of them, really, except Lincoln, who hadn’t really known her before.
Astrid watches Lincoln, without him being aware of it, as he watches Peter and Olivia laughing together. If anyone might understand how she’s feeling, it’s him. She’s not going to say anything, and she suspects he won’t either. But it helps her just to know he’s there, and that he understands.