Looking inward, in word
Lord help me if I ever develop some kind of brain disorder, 'cuz I'm under the impression that one of the first things that goes when yr brain starts to degenerate are time lines. I can already barely handle them, if at all.
The past few days, I've been reflecting a lot on the past year. Seriously considering myself, what I've done and said. And...I find myself often disappointed in me whenever I do this. I don't think it's some deep-seated self-hated, either; I think I genuinely have a lot of working on myself to do, especially when it comes to stopping to think about what I say in social situations. The bit above about time lines I say because I actually am not even sure if the things I look back on that I'm not proud of happened EVEN HAPPENED this year. Either way, I feel like the fact that they're still floating around in my head means that they're still relevant.
The point is: I've needlessly been a dick to many people in my life, and I can never figure out why. Wait, yes I can: because it's easy.
But if it's one thing I know, it's that I cannot stand the idea of living life unapologetically, to never have to own up to your actions and admit you've made a mistake. I don't want to live hatefully. To all of those who I've been unnecessarily mean to, I apologize. I think to some of my friends more than others, who may or may not read this post, I know I have, throughout our friendship, been arrogant and condescending to at various points, and I feel a lot of shame over this. I never have enjoyed life more than when I've spoken to someone as an equal.
Relationships of power can destroy a lot.
This time next year, I want to look back and feel that I can account for my actions wholly, with no excuse-making or sophistry.
Top three phrases that I hope to never say in 2009:
"Whatever"
"I don't fuckin' care"
"I just do"
The past few days, I've been reflecting a lot on the past year. Seriously considering myself, what I've done and said. And...I find myself often disappointed in me whenever I do this. I don't think it's some deep-seated self-hated, either; I think I genuinely have a lot of working on myself to do, especially when it comes to stopping to think about what I say in social situations. The bit above about time lines I say because I actually am not even sure if the things I look back on that I'm not proud of happened EVEN HAPPENED this year. Either way, I feel like the fact that they're still floating around in my head means that they're still relevant.
The point is: I've needlessly been a dick to many people in my life, and I can never figure out why. Wait, yes I can: because it's easy.
But if it's one thing I know, it's that I cannot stand the idea of living life unapologetically, to never have to own up to your actions and admit you've made a mistake. I don't want to live hatefully. To all of those who I've been unnecessarily mean to, I apologize. I think to some of my friends more than others, who may or may not read this post, I know I have, throughout our friendship, been arrogant and condescending to at various points, and I feel a lot of shame over this. I never have enjoyed life more than when I've spoken to someone as an equal.
Relationships of power can destroy a lot.
This time next year, I want to look back and feel that I can account for my actions wholly, with no excuse-making or sophistry.
Top three phrases that I hope to never say in 2009:
"Whatever"
"I don't fuckin' care"
"I just do"