An Outside-In view of Subspace and Related Phenomena
As someone with a lot of experience of altered states of consciousness outside BDSM, I always reckoned I had a handle on subspace. Certainly, from the outside, everything I'd learned about how to support, handle and relate to someone in altered states of consciousness has been very useful in helping me learn how to be the sort of Dom I wanted to be. I always reckoned it gave me a fairly clear idea of what subspace felt like, too.
I also generally like to know what something feels like before inflicting it on someone else - and although my head is usually ticking away thinking "I'd do that differently", or "mm, that would work well", I did think that combined with my understanding of weird head-space of various sorts, that I could usually have a reasonable idea what experiences would feel like from the inside.
But a while back, I had two experiences, fairly close together, which gave me a much deeper insight, and left me with a much deeper understanding - and a realisation that I'd previously presumed to understand far too much.
In the first of these experiences, I'd been out at a club with Ruine_, and I'd been teasing her all night (all week, in fact). She'd made some comment about paying me back for this later, and I think I'd just smirked at her. Maybe even dared her to do just that. Certainly, on the way home, and when we finally got to bed, I said "do whatever you like". This was probably a stupid thing to say, especially with us both drunk, and her in a mood for some payback. I'd thought, she'd tease me back, pretty hard - but I'm pretty resiliant to teasing, and could probably have kept that smirk all night as she failed to get to me the way she wanted to. But, she didn't.
Instead, she hurt me.. scratched me, bit me, and more. There was nothing subtle about it - but part of me was still smirking inside, thinking she couldn't get to me this way, either. Then, at one point, I looked up at her, and grinned. And she looked back.. and I realised. Yes, she can get to me.. and either I have to stop her right now.. or let go. For some reason.. I let go.
What happened after that isn't important, it didn't feel important at the time, and doesn't feel important now. What matters is what happened inside my head. I stopped feeling the pain - it was still there, but it became distant. The world shrunk, to just me, and her. She was around me, inside my head, everywhere. I found it hard to look into her eyes, because that just made the experience even more intense. I wasn't aware of time passing. I was just.. there. with her. I trusted her, and would have let her do anything.
In the days that followed, I still felt it: just being with her reminded me of that space, looking into her eyes so intensely so that I found myself looking away. I found myself feeling needy for her company, becoming depressed if I couldn't be with her. I was still too wrapped up in the experience to analyse it. I did try discussing the experience with a sagacious Domme friend, but I didn't have words yet. All I could really say was, "I know what subspace feels like now."
----
About a week later, before I'd untangled myself entirely, I had the second experience. I've always had a major dental phobia, particularly relating to needles, but have been working on that with my dentist - who is, frankly, both wonderful and damn attractive (ahem!). She's the one who taught me self- hypnosis, and I have used that very effectively to deal with fears, etc.
Anyway, I had bad toothache, so ended up in her chair. After taking a look, she said she knew what was wrong, but wasn't going to tell me what she was doing this time. She said if it got too painful, to let her know. She began, and it did hurt, but not enough that I wanted to tell her to stop. Then it hurt a bit more, and I felt myself sinking into trust that she would do the right thing. And a bit more, but I felt it was OK, that I was safe.. Then a bit more, and I found myself floating away.. Then a bit more.. and I found myself walking along the rooftops of the houses across the street. I could feel her all around me, but I wasn't in my body at all. I can't even begin to describe the feeling. Eventually, I found myself back in the chair, to hear her saying.. "All done." I was feeling very floaty for some time, so I was out the door before it really registered what she'd said she'd done (no snuggly aftercare at dentists, I'm afraid). She'd removed the nerve from my tooth, with no anesthetic. I remember her saying, "I didn't think we'd be able to do that.."
On reflection, the experience fits very well with what submissives have described to me as "flying" (when they mean something distinct from general subspace). This wasn't a self-hypnosis experience, although I may have used that technique to quell the fear initially - it was an experience driven by pain, and trust. Mostly trust. I was out of my body, somewhere else, entirely, above ground level, and although my "dom" wasn't there, she was all around me. I was also totally oblivious to the pain my body was feeling - she could have done absolutely anything to me, the trust was absolute and unconditional in that moment.
This experience didn't linger with me long at all - my mind was back on a normal plane within 20 minutes, but it did leave me thinking hard for some time.
----
Now, some time passed, I know that I understand a lot more than I did before these experiences, but I also know that I know a lot less than I thought I did before them. I have a lot to learn yet. My understanding of altered consciousness in BDSM (unlike my study elsewhere) has been from the outside, as a Dom, an observer - and however good you are there, you cannot understand that space like someone who has visited it. Having had a glimpse, I felt like a novice again, and it has taken me some considerable time to even be able to write about it. Neither of these experiences have been something I would seek to repeat, but I feel very lucky to have felt those spaces, and hope that I can be a better and more understanding Dom for the insights I've had.
Always a novice,
Teine.
I also generally like to know what something feels like before inflicting it on someone else - and although my head is usually ticking away thinking "I'd do that differently", or "mm, that would work well", I did think that combined with my understanding of weird head-space of various sorts, that I could usually have a reasonable idea what experiences would feel like from the inside.
But a while back, I had two experiences, fairly close together, which gave me a much deeper insight, and left me with a much deeper understanding - and a realisation that I'd previously presumed to understand far too much.
In the first of these experiences, I'd been out at a club with Ruine_, and I'd been teasing her all night (all week, in fact). She'd made some comment about paying me back for this later, and I think I'd just smirked at her. Maybe even dared her to do just that. Certainly, on the way home, and when we finally got to bed, I said "do whatever you like". This was probably a stupid thing to say, especially with us both drunk, and her in a mood for some payback. I'd thought, she'd tease me back, pretty hard - but I'm pretty resiliant to teasing, and could probably have kept that smirk all night as she failed to get to me the way she wanted to. But, she didn't.
Instead, she hurt me.. scratched me, bit me, and more. There was nothing subtle about it - but part of me was still smirking inside, thinking she couldn't get to me this way, either. Then, at one point, I looked up at her, and grinned. And she looked back.. and I realised. Yes, she can get to me.. and either I have to stop her right now.. or let go. For some reason.. I let go.
What happened after that isn't important, it didn't feel important at the time, and doesn't feel important now. What matters is what happened inside my head. I stopped feeling the pain - it was still there, but it became distant. The world shrunk, to just me, and her. She was around me, inside my head, everywhere. I found it hard to look into her eyes, because that just made the experience even more intense. I wasn't aware of time passing. I was just.. there. with her. I trusted her, and would have let her do anything.
In the days that followed, I still felt it: just being with her reminded me of that space, looking into her eyes so intensely so that I found myself looking away. I found myself feeling needy for her company, becoming depressed if I couldn't be with her. I was still too wrapped up in the experience to analyse it. I did try discussing the experience with a sagacious Domme friend, but I didn't have words yet. All I could really say was, "I know what subspace feels like now."
----
About a week later, before I'd untangled myself entirely, I had the second experience. I've always had a major dental phobia, particularly relating to needles, but have been working on that with my dentist - who is, frankly, both wonderful and damn attractive (ahem!). She's the one who taught me self- hypnosis, and I have used that very effectively to deal with fears, etc.
Anyway, I had bad toothache, so ended up in her chair. After taking a look, she said she knew what was wrong, but wasn't going to tell me what she was doing this time. She said if it got too painful, to let her know. She began, and it did hurt, but not enough that I wanted to tell her to stop. Then it hurt a bit more, and I felt myself sinking into trust that she would do the right thing. And a bit more, but I felt it was OK, that I was safe.. Then a bit more, and I found myself floating away.. Then a bit more.. and I found myself walking along the rooftops of the houses across the street. I could feel her all around me, but I wasn't in my body at all. I can't even begin to describe the feeling. Eventually, I found myself back in the chair, to hear her saying.. "All done." I was feeling very floaty for some time, so I was out the door before it really registered what she'd said she'd done (no snuggly aftercare at dentists, I'm afraid). She'd removed the nerve from my tooth, with no anesthetic. I remember her saying, "I didn't think we'd be able to do that.."
On reflection, the experience fits very well with what submissives have described to me as "flying" (when they mean something distinct from general subspace). This wasn't a self-hypnosis experience, although I may have used that technique to quell the fear initially - it was an experience driven by pain, and trust. Mostly trust. I was out of my body, somewhere else, entirely, above ground level, and although my "dom" wasn't there, she was all around me. I was also totally oblivious to the pain my body was feeling - she could have done absolutely anything to me, the trust was absolute and unconditional in that moment.
This experience didn't linger with me long at all - my mind was back on a normal plane within 20 minutes, but it did leave me thinking hard for some time.
----
Now, some time passed, I know that I understand a lot more than I did before these experiences, but I also know that I know a lot less than I thought I did before them. I have a lot to learn yet. My understanding of altered consciousness in BDSM (unlike my study elsewhere) has been from the outside, as a Dom, an observer - and however good you are there, you cannot understand that space like someone who has visited it. Having had a glimpse, I felt like a novice again, and it has taken me some considerable time to even be able to write about it. Neither of these experiences have been something I would seek to repeat, but I feel very lucky to have felt those spaces, and hope that I can be a better and more understanding Dom for the insights I've had.
Always a novice,
Teine.