In such a good mood right now.
Unfortunately, I had to get to this state of mind by using painkillers. I don't believe I am an addict. I just do impulsive things when I am highly stressed and don't know how to deal with my anxiety.
I like Livejournal because nobody really knows me. I can post whatever I want. I can chose what I want or don't want to reveal about myself; and right now, I'm feeling pretty open, because either A) the pills I took got rid of the inhibitions I would normally have about myself, or B) I'm just trying to convince myself that these particular pills can solve all my problems-- probably the latter. Ah well.
Lately I have been Stresserella, a stress machine. Can't seem to find the balance in anything anymore. These intense feelings have been aggravated by the upcoming school season. I have been out of school for one and a half years now. I graduated high school back in January of '08. I graduated early with the intention of getting a head start on college, or perhaps it was to just to get out sooner because I secretly hated school. I never realized how miserable it made me until I finally escaped it and suddenly felt a breath of fresh air.
I always felt I was broken, or at least extremely flawed. I never could quite understand what was wrong with me, but for some reason, school just really stressed me out. I was extremely socially awkward, had few friends, had no life, never had a boyfriend until after I graduated. It was quite a lonely time for me. I was always cooped up in my room and never dared to venture outside my four bedrooms walls aside the dreaded journeys to and from school. I was like a Hell on Earth for me.
Now I feel as if I'm living in an alternate universe-- I'm always out, rarely ever home when I am awake. I'm always running around, hopping from one place to another, one friends house to another. Essentially, I feel as if I'm rushing through life. I don't intend to do this, because try to enjoy every second I breathe, and yet it's just not enough. I just don't feel like there's never enough time in the day anymore.
Since high school, my life has been completely different. I'm not necessarily complaining about the changes, because when I was still in high school I don't believe I was truly living. I was merely existing. Now I live up my life, just as my tramp stamp on my back directs me to: Carpe Diem, or "Seize the Day". I am quite proud of how far I've come, and yet some days I feel as if it's not enough.
I try to micromanage everything. My friends, my family, my meal times, even my own sleep. And I just feel quite stuck. I never know how to balance everything out, and it's becoming increasingly harder as I try to get all my schedule, course fees, and my work schedule all situated before my college classes begin this fall.
I am quite a nervous wreck. I had a bit of a breakdown in my fathers car this afternoon. I was screaming, sobbing, throwing my bloody iPhone around (and lord knows it already has more cracks than smooth surfaces on the screen!).
There's just too much going on in my life right now! I already started drifting away with former everytime-friends because I just simply have not had enough time to see them this past month. And I feel terrible doing so. :(
I just want to make everyone happy, but I guess I'm putting everyone else before myself, as I usually do, and with all the increasing number of events happening each day, there's just never anymore room for me anymore. I suppose that's why I've been so out of sorts. I need to focus more on keeping myself happy.
Argh or I don't know. SOMETHING. There's an important factor missing from this complicated equation.
Maybe I'm just overthinking things. Or maybe I really just need some heavy therapy (and perhaps prescription drugs).
But as strange as it sounds, as much as I enjoy recreational drug use, I don't like the idea of being dependent on drugs that are actually prescribed for me. Maybe it is because A) I just don't want to go through all the trouble of setting up a therapy appointment, finding a solid therapist, and going through all the trouble of filling prescriptions each month, or perhaps I just really find the idea of doing drugs that aren't approved by doctors for me more appealing.
You know what I realized? There are just way too many possible answers to any open ended question we ask ourselves. I mean, you may think you know why you feel a certain way about something, but maybe you're just trying to rationalize something you truly don't understand.
For example, if you can convince that petting kitties will clear your head, then doing so will! However, doing so many other things could also clear your head, if you believe they can do so.
The world is such a mysterious place. I could sit here all day concocting up new theories, ah but I just don't have the time!!!
Anyways, to sum this entry up, I need to learn how to manage my time better. That is my goal for the week. >.<
Perhaps I need to write more entries, because I feel truly at peace with myself after I get all my feelings out on this site. :3