(no subject)
i was in elementary school when i met my grandmother. she had come to the states to visit my family, but i don't remember how long she stayed. i was too young to remember much, but i do remember that i liked her a lot. there's still a faint image in my mind of us sitting on the couch, me snuggling close to her while she read to me. she was also the one who had taught me how to sew, and i still remember my lame attempt to try to make a stuffed animal for my younger brother then. i remember missing her a lot when she left because i cried for the longest time afterwards. after she returned to her life overseas, she didn't phone as often, and when she did, she rarely ever talked to me (unless i was the one who answered the phone, which was then promptly given to my mother). i always thought that my grandmother didn't care for me or had enjoyed my company as much as i did hers. over time, she just became another one in the long list of relatives who i didn't have any contact with. she eventually became a stranger to me.
my mother's done a lot of despicable things in the past, but to deny a grandmother's right to talk to her grandchildren and become a part of their lives - that was the worse. i didn't find out about this until today, which came as a message from my aunt. each time my grandmother called and asked for a chance to speak to me, my mother would refuse to allow it to happen. this went on each time my grandmother called, and for over ten years.
how could she do this to her own mother? to me? she allowed me to think that the little time that we had spent together was meaningless, and that i was just something that kept her occupied during her trip. she was one of the very few outside of my immediate family that i have ever met and had grown close to, and this was a feeling i had always wanted, especially since i have no other family around.
what drove my mother to do something like this? was it revenge? resentment? jealousy? my mother and my grandmother fought a lot, and it was part of the reason my grandmother had left. my mother was famous for holding grudges - maybe that's why she never allowed my grandmother to get in touch with me all these years. maybe she was afraid that we'd have a relationship that would make me prefer my grandmother over her. or maybe it had to do with the relationship between us. i know for a fact that she can't handle not having me under her control. it's what gave her the power - being able to control over aspect of my life, manipulating my thoughts and decisions, but most of all, it was having me fear her. it made me weak and pathetic, and she knew that. she made sure that i knew it too. but the moment none of it all mattered to me anymore, she became ever weaker than i was. she's tried endlessly to try to regain that power over me, but we all know that you can't take back a bird's freedom once it's been let out of its cage. this was her way of saying she had the last word. living with her for almost twenty years now, i know exactly how she thinks and what she's capable of. what i didn't know was how far she was willing to go to have things her way.
but what should i do now? i want to get in touch with my grandmother, but i have no idea how to reach her. and, even if i did, over ten years have gone by. how should i start? part of me wants to take my anger out on my mother and let her know just how horrible of a person she has become. but, i can't give up my aunt and my grandmother just to satisfy my anger. it'll be traced back to them (because how else would i have known?), and my aunt would be the one who will face my mother's wrath. unfortunately for her, my aunt is now who i was years ago - she was too afraid to ask me for my cell phone number for fear that my mother would yell at her. she had to sneak into my room today when my mother was out just to pass along the message from my grandmother. she's too afraid to speak up about my mother's ill treatment of her, and she loses each time she tries to defend herself against my mother's attacks. i wish that there was something i could do to help her. i don't know if my father knows of all this, but even if he did, i'm sure that he'll turn a blind eye, because he never wants to go up against my mother.
i look at my mother now, and i don't know who i see anymore. it both saddens and horrifies me to say that she's become someone i can't even recognize anymore. i never even thought that any human being would be capable of such awful and unforgiving acts.
my mother's done a lot of despicable things in the past, but to deny a grandmother's right to talk to her grandchildren and become a part of their lives - that was the worse. i didn't find out about this until today, which came as a message from my aunt. each time my grandmother called and asked for a chance to speak to me, my mother would refuse to allow it to happen. this went on each time my grandmother called, and for over ten years.
how could she do this to her own mother? to me? she allowed me to think that the little time that we had spent together was meaningless, and that i was just something that kept her occupied during her trip. she was one of the very few outside of my immediate family that i have ever met and had grown close to, and this was a feeling i had always wanted, especially since i have no other family around.
what drove my mother to do something like this? was it revenge? resentment? jealousy? my mother and my grandmother fought a lot, and it was part of the reason my grandmother had left. my mother was famous for holding grudges - maybe that's why she never allowed my grandmother to get in touch with me all these years. maybe she was afraid that we'd have a relationship that would make me prefer my grandmother over her. or maybe it had to do with the relationship between us. i know for a fact that she can't handle not having me under her control. it's what gave her the power - being able to control over aspect of my life, manipulating my thoughts and decisions, but most of all, it was having me fear her. it made me weak and pathetic, and she knew that. she made sure that i knew it too. but the moment none of it all mattered to me anymore, she became ever weaker than i was. she's tried endlessly to try to regain that power over me, but we all know that you can't take back a bird's freedom once it's been let out of its cage. this was her way of saying she had the last word. living with her for almost twenty years now, i know exactly how she thinks and what she's capable of. what i didn't know was how far she was willing to go to have things her way.
but what should i do now? i want to get in touch with my grandmother, but i have no idea how to reach her. and, even if i did, over ten years have gone by. how should i start? part of me wants to take my anger out on my mother and let her know just how horrible of a person she has become. but, i can't give up my aunt and my grandmother just to satisfy my anger. it'll be traced back to them (because how else would i have known?), and my aunt would be the one who will face my mother's wrath. unfortunately for her, my aunt is now who i was years ago - she was too afraid to ask me for my cell phone number for fear that my mother would yell at her. she had to sneak into my room today when my mother was out just to pass along the message from my grandmother. she's too afraid to speak up about my mother's ill treatment of her, and she loses each time she tries to defend herself against my mother's attacks. i wish that there was something i could do to help her. i don't know if my father knows of all this, but even if he did, i'm sure that he'll turn a blind eye, because he never wants to go up against my mother.
i look at my mother now, and i don't know who i see anymore. it both saddens and horrifies me to say that she's become someone i can't even recognize anymore. i never even thought that any human being would be capable of such awful and unforgiving acts.