Destination [Un]Known

[teeganjane]

I really don't know why everyone is cheering in the streets that Osama Bin Laden is dead. I mean, if I was Al Qaeda, I would wait until everyone was cheering in the streets and then attack, right? Okay, I get that many lost loved ones in the attack, but countless millions have died worldwide due to terrorism globally. None of this is over. Al Qaeda seems way less centralized than people seem to think. Why would killing Bin Laden solve anything? You can't kill a movement by killing one person.

Oh wait, this blog is about my transition. Sorry...

TOPIC CHANGE!

I was daydreaming today about what changes I'm looking forward to via hormones. I came up with a little list.

1. I want my face to look less sharp. I understand that hormones' ability to affect facial features is really only slight, but hey, I really wonder what they will do, if anything. I want to have a pretty face, in a girl's sense, not so much a guy's. I think facial hair removal will probably do more for this than hormones will. Then again, I can't predict what they'll do to me exactly.
2. I want nicer skin and more feminine arm and leg hair. Do you realize how hard it is to shave against these coarse, ugly man weeds so often? Okay, I understand I will always have coarse, ugly man weeds for arm and leg hair. But there will be significantly less of it, and that is pleasing.
3. I want breasts. And despite what many of my male friends have said over the years about their own hypothetical breasts, no I will not simply be playing with them all day, every day. Ah no. That's not how we operate this vehicle.
4. I want a more feminine form. I know I won't get wider hips, but at least a bit of fat-redistribution would be nice.
5. I don't want to smell like a stinky boy anymore. Yeah, I know what my body odor smells like, and it smells like pure, concentrated evil. Women smell so much nicer than men. I used a lot of deodorant that smells like Righteous Godly Lavender Mist and the Power of All That Is Good in This World, but it is sometimes no match for the Dark Power of Insidious Satanic Stinky Man Sweat From Hell's Armpit of Unrefined Fucking Evil. (Wow I rode that metaphor a bit too far. I don't smell that bad. I hope.)
6. I want to milk the placebo effect for all it's worth. Hey, the fact that the hormones that should be coursing through my veins are doing just that will make me feel more like a female. And that's a lot. And I've heard about subtle mental effects here and there that can't really be defined by science but is indeed reported. Yes, I feel like a female on the inside, mostly, but there's no denying that the idea that I haven't started hormones yet makes me feel hopelessly masculine sometimes. That's really hard to explain. I have heard from people that hormones can affect this in subtle ways.

Only one way to find out how this'll affect me...

Now, I think this is as good a place as any to lay out (in random order) what I want to do with my transition:

• I want to appear female. I want to pass.
• I want to get my trachea shaved, so I do not have an Adam's apple anymore.
• I want all my facial hair removed.
• I want to live in the role of a female. I am a bisexual female inside.
• I think I might want plastic surgery on my nose at some point. This is kind of a wild card for me, but I am very sensitive about my facial appearance, and I think it will help me pass. But it might not be necessary. I'm still young-ish (25), and I have doubts as to whether I am done with puberty yet (I still get pimples a lot, and I have almost no chest hair, and I really have almost no facial hair compared to my brother, who is only 20), so maybe I still can turn the tide on a masculine face. Okay, everyone says I have some feminine features anyway, but THEY ARE BIASED! Hah. I just have self-image issues.
• I definitely, without a doubt, want sexual reassignment surgery someday down the line. This would only be after I get everything else, and I have lived as a woman for some time in the open. I want to pass before doing this. I have no idea how this'll be funded, although I have heard of some insurance plans covering this (there is an insurance company in Minnesota called Medica that has covered SRS for people in the past. Anyone want to move to Minneapolis? Hah.)

This is all subject to change over time. This is just the innocent ramblings of a caterpillar daydreaming of a better life as a marvelously beautiful butterfly. Dreams of a mad woman? Hah, no way. They are the calculated plans of an evil trans-girl genius. Sure, I know my destination, or I think I do, but I will be constantly changing along the way. I am just excited to see where this path leads. Being myself used to be so difficult. It's getting easier every day.

When do dreams become reality? When you fucking do something about it.

Duh. (^.^)

Cackling maniacally,
Tea