(no subject)
It's now Tuesday. Night before last was Easter Sunday. I flew out from San Diego with Kuya Al into Oakland to spend a day up north in Pleasant Hill with plans of driving back down to So Cal with Crisanto and Tracy.
Today marks my one week since leaving RA, and as the days keep blurring into one as the week progresses I keep forgetting what day it is.
I have been having some rather intense and vivid dreams since I've been here. The other night I dreamt I was selling water, maybe around my old high school (seeing as how it's Tuesday already I can't really remember much anymore). Last night/this morning however is still lingering in my memory. I remember distinctly being in situations where my brother was receiving more attention than me, and me feeling some way about it. Which is probably a reflection of how I was feeling yesterday, or the thoughts/feelings I was processing while we were hanging out with their friend, Abigail. Deep down I know they were all catching up and they hadn't seen one another in a while. I also know that when I first meet someone it usually takes me a while to warm up to them. I could also sense that there were three distinctly powerful personalities that wanted to talk about what was happening in their lives, to share, to learn, to revel, etc. I was actually fine just observing, as I do.
But it seems the dreams I had last night were tapping into past childhood events where my brother would actively seek out attention, and because his personality tends to be more social than mine, I would take a backseat to that, while thinking, "Hm, I wish I could do that." I'm quite proud of everything I've accomplished and of all my amazing talents, and of how far I've come mentally and energetically. And I'm certain ego and pride had a lot to do with wanting to talk about those things with the three of them yesterday, but feeling it wasn't really my place. Yes, it totally hurt my ego! Which I think I'm okay with, only because I get to process it now and identify it versus grudging it out and acting weird toward the people who elicited the feelings.
Anyway, in the dream I remember Joyce giving Crisanto a lot of love and ignoring me. I also remember Kuya Al and Crisanto having a lot of conversations about all the times they've gone up here to visit + invoking some inside jokes (they did this both in my dream and yesterday while we were hanging out). But then I also remember that I saw Kieth and Candice, and Kieth wanted me to c-walk for a hundred bucks. I think I was more excited about being able to do something I knew I was good at rather than getting a chunk of change for it (interesting -new career changes? illustration? Graphic design? Also ... I was known in high school for c-walking really well. Like, I was pretty good at it, and I loved the attention because it was associated with a skill/talent). More interesting to note was that during my dream I couldn't quite c-walk the way I used to (my jeans kept bunching up, my left knee kept locking -oooooh ego?!).
I wonder if there was something unconscious in me, during my witness of yesterday's conversation between Tracy, Crisanto and Abigail, that questioned/questions whether or not I could do what THEY have done and are doing? Or whether or not I want to be doing what they're doing? Like, I don't doubt anything I've undertaken and that I'm about to undertake. But maybe my unconscious is questioning things? Or my left brain is questioning the how?
Maybe these are just genuine questions and musings as I embark on this new thing. And there's a difference between being fearful of thinking you won't be able to do something vs. a genuine curiosity of how you will do these things. I mean, I'm excited as I'm currently planning, researching, and executing minor things during this time (retrograde), so I feel as though I have to go through these curiosities, and questions, no matter how they're elicited.
Today marks my one week since leaving RA, and as the days keep blurring into one as the week progresses I keep forgetting what day it is.
I have been having some rather intense and vivid dreams since I've been here. The other night I dreamt I was selling water, maybe around my old high school (seeing as how it's Tuesday already I can't really remember much anymore). Last night/this morning however is still lingering in my memory. I remember distinctly being in situations where my brother was receiving more attention than me, and me feeling some way about it. Which is probably a reflection of how I was feeling yesterday, or the thoughts/feelings I was processing while we were hanging out with their friend, Abigail. Deep down I know they were all catching up and they hadn't seen one another in a while. I also know that when I first meet someone it usually takes me a while to warm up to them. I could also sense that there were three distinctly powerful personalities that wanted to talk about what was happening in their lives, to share, to learn, to revel, etc. I was actually fine just observing, as I do.
But it seems the dreams I had last night were tapping into past childhood events where my brother would actively seek out attention, and because his personality tends to be more social than mine, I would take a backseat to that, while thinking, "Hm, I wish I could do that." I'm quite proud of everything I've accomplished and of all my amazing talents, and of how far I've come mentally and energetically. And I'm certain ego and pride had a lot to do with wanting to talk about those things with the three of them yesterday, but feeling it wasn't really my place. Yes, it totally hurt my ego! Which I think I'm okay with, only because I get to process it now and identify it versus grudging it out and acting weird toward the people who elicited the feelings.
Anyway, in the dream I remember Joyce giving Crisanto a lot of love and ignoring me. I also remember Kuya Al and Crisanto having a lot of conversations about all the times they've gone up here to visit + invoking some inside jokes (they did this both in my dream and yesterday while we were hanging out). But then I also remember that I saw Kieth and Candice, and Kieth wanted me to c-walk for a hundred bucks. I think I was more excited about being able to do something I knew I was good at rather than getting a chunk of change for it (interesting -new career changes? illustration? Graphic design? Also ... I was known in high school for c-walking really well. Like, I was pretty good at it, and I loved the attention because it was associated with a skill/talent). More interesting to note was that during my dream I couldn't quite c-walk the way I used to (my jeans kept bunching up, my left knee kept locking -oooooh ego?!).
I wonder if there was something unconscious in me, during my witness of yesterday's conversation between Tracy, Crisanto and Abigail, that questioned/questions whether or not I could do what THEY have done and are doing? Or whether or not I want to be doing what they're doing? Like, I don't doubt anything I've undertaken and that I'm about to undertake. But maybe my unconscious is questioning things? Or my left brain is questioning the how?
Maybe these are just genuine questions and musings as I embark on this new thing. And there's a difference between being fearful of thinking you won't be able to do something vs. a genuine curiosity of how you will do these things. I mean, I'm excited as I'm currently planning, researching, and executing minor things during this time (retrograde), so I feel as though I have to go through these curiosities, and questions, no matter how they're elicited.