a desperate reach . . . a broken promise. . . an empty dream
i always manage to do it. when im handed somethign thats almost to good to be true, i have to go and run away from it, and just when i feel like i can handle it again, i let somethgin evil, sick, twisted, and dark about myslef come out. you thought i had problems before, well try me now. you tell me i need help, that i embarass you. well babe take a good look at me now, cause this is what ive become appearently, a broken, empty, embarassing, childish, nieve, mess. i dont know how to explaine to you what was going on in my head that night, and nothgin i say will ever change that night. i did what i did and im not proud about it, but im also not guna live my life regreting anythign i do. i learned that those who live in fear and doubt regreting things they never did, and always wished they had never ammount to anythign in life, and never get further than ther own backyard. i wish you could know just how hurt i am by you, your want to push me away, to have me disapear out of your life just like that, like i was never there. well babe i was there and youll never be able to forget it either, if i know you half as well as i feel i do. i have a general idea of how you must feel right now, but nothing will ever allow me to feel exactly what it is your fealing right now. the hurt, emptyness, hatered, doubt, betrayal, sickness, god the list could go on, but will you ever be able to find someone who made you feel like i ever did? exactly how i made you feel when you would look into my eyes, and i would smile and then giggle at you? you told me i could take your breath away, that i gave you butterflies, and that i made you melt away, that time stood still when we were together. i know im not perfect, trust me im far from it, but please dont wish me away. i know that what i did to you hurts, but if i hadnt told you. . you never would have known. you told me that all you wanted was the truth and nothign more or less. well i gave you the truth, it was just a little late, but i did do it. im so sorry max. that is all i cn really say to you, though i highly doubt that you'll believe anythign i say anymore. but please, please, please dont forget what we had, dont throw it all away because i fucked up. what we had before i became a wreak was beautiful, and amazing, no one quite understood it either, but we did, and that was all that mattered. i dont expeact any of what im saying to change how , or what you think of me now. i just. . . i dont know, wish things could have been different between us. this is not how i wanted thigns between us to end. . . i wanted to atleast be friends, i never wanted to make you wish you had never known me. . i never wanted you to hate me. i never wanted to hurt you, or make you sick to your stomach thinking about me. you told me qoute unqoute " after sleepin on it i know now that i dont want you or any form of you in my life. please respect that cause i would do the same for u. dotn call or anythign, oh and forget my name and my number cause im as good as dead to you now." i hate you so much for being able to say that. how could you love me as much as you said you did and be able to wish everything that we had together away like that. just magicly make everythign disapeare like it never happened, like i was a waste of time. i dont know what else there is to say, except i guess im just not willing to throw away every last trace of you yet. you were the best thing to happen to me in life so far, and i will not just let it go as if you never happened, you do what you want, what you feel is best for you, but just beacause i hurt you dosnt mean you have to retaliate and deepen the wound that was already there to begin with. when you met me i was broken. when we were together i was broken, and now that we arent togerther and i made it so you could hate me, i am still broken. im sorry for everything, im sorry for wasting your time, and for loving you as best i could, im sorry for giving you everything a girl has to give, and im sorry for ever kissing you , or meeting you, or sleeping with you , or crying for you , or worrying about you, or wondering what you were thinking, im sorry for it all, EVERYTHING. my mother once said " when people show you who they really are, believe them" well max. . . everythign you now know is me. i just showed you who i really am. im just sorry you had to know me like this.