I suppose I should write
I don't write to often, the last few times I've written I've been emotionally... raw.
Being as helpless as I feel, an as helpless as I am.. I over react and my emotions run too strong.
I am sorry, I am for how my emotions are.
Denise understands what I go through, she's been down that road and I look up to her. My back isn't any better, it hurts me often and makes me not want to move and not want to live my life.
It makes me feel vulnerable to the point that I push everyone away, and hope to see someone wants me enough to fight back to stay in my life. I guess I am as emotionally needy as most women I date, I just want to feel desired. I want to feel needed and important to someone..
I don't have anything that I can strive towards to keep me moving, All I have is this computer, and the games I play on it.. Which is why the outside world seems so terribly daunting to me.
Can you understand what I'm feeling? I can be fine for a week, or two weeks... an I can get down on my knee's to fetch a dog toy under a table and my back will pop and I'm sprawled out on the floor. It's that, that makes me so desperate not to feel helpless.
I went for three walks last week, about half a mile each, and I ended up flat on my back and drugged for 3 days. I know, it's not important to anyone else, but it's important to me.. No one believes me when I say I hurt, or can't do anything.
No one encourages me to keep pushing forward through this... My own mother, who knows what pain is, thinks I should just walk off the fact my back seized up on me. "Walking will help it" an my first thought was "Walking is what got me into this"
I guess I'll take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Go it alone because what else can I do? I don't like being alone, but I've made my bed.. so I guess I"ll sleep in it.
Such is life.
Being as helpless as I feel, an as helpless as I am.. I over react and my emotions run too strong.
I am sorry, I am for how my emotions are.
Denise understands what I go through, she's been down that road and I look up to her. My back isn't any better, it hurts me often and makes me not want to move and not want to live my life.
It makes me feel vulnerable to the point that I push everyone away, and hope to see someone wants me enough to fight back to stay in my life. I guess I am as emotionally needy as most women I date, I just want to feel desired. I want to feel needed and important to someone..
I don't have anything that I can strive towards to keep me moving, All I have is this computer, and the games I play on it.. Which is why the outside world seems so terribly daunting to me.
Can you understand what I'm feeling? I can be fine for a week, or two weeks... an I can get down on my knee's to fetch a dog toy under a table and my back will pop and I'm sprawled out on the floor. It's that, that makes me so desperate not to feel helpless.
I went for three walks last week, about half a mile each, and I ended up flat on my back and drugged for 3 days. I know, it's not important to anyone else, but it's important to me.. No one believes me when I say I hurt, or can't do anything.
No one encourages me to keep pushing forward through this... My own mother, who knows what pain is, thinks I should just walk off the fact my back seized up on me. "Walking will help it" an my first thought was "Walking is what got me into this"
I guess I'll take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Go it alone because what else can I do? I don't like being alone, but I've made my bed.. so I guess I"ll sleep in it.
Such is life.