An update...
So lately I've taken to tormenting people on myspace with my emo thoughts and love for over abundant usage of commas. ,,,,,,,,,, (see what I mean?)
This is an entry I wrote there, and to save time.. I'll copy and paste.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
now that I’ve had a chance...
Current mood:
chipper
I didn’t want to talk about what was going on in my life, until I had a chance to absorb it all and cope.
I’ve had a very traumatic (mentally and emotionally) past 3 months. It’s april, and I can put it behind me.
Before you think otherwise, this isn’t a April fools joke. This is me, expressing myself.
Since my parents came home in December, I’ve been having chest pains. They’d get worse from time to time, making me want to go to the hospital. What kept me OUT of the hospital was a lack of money, and a lack of medical insurance... So I applied for basic health through Washington state. In Mid February I got my confirmation that I was accepted in the plan, and in the 2nd week of march my card arrived.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, by a very long long shot.
In December I went to the walk in clinic (December 7th), and they told me I had issues with anxiety and scheduled me for an examination by another doctor.
Roll the clock forward to December 28th... I go see this doctor, and he gives me what is called a "Zung" test to measure the amount of my depression. I took his little test, and it showed I wasn’t depressed by any means. He assumed my chest pains were anxiety related, and proceeded to medicate me.
Roll the clock forward through things I’ve already complained about that I don’t need to re-iterate. January 27th my dad takes me off the anti anxiety medication for very good reasons, and January 28th I see said doctor again. Upon taking another zung test, I fail it miserably, but the doctor ignores it and says to stop taking my anxiety medication and stick with my blood pressure medication.
Roll clock forward 2 weeks, of even more misery... Upon Coming off the withdrawls, I have to take myself off my blood pressure medication because of side-effects... An I can’t get in to the doctor to get more. (Chest pain resurfaces... weeeeeeeeeee)
Roll the clock forward to march 20th, where I go to Group Death (Group Heath (GHC.org)) to the urgent care.. Mind you I had an appointment on the 26th already... My mom kind of ambushed me...
I get bounced around from department to department for 30-40 minutes, and finally seen by a Doctor. We took chest xrays, Blood tests, an EKG ... and then I saw her again. Looking at the EKG, the doctor said there was something with either the tissue or the muscle around/near my heart. (Panic Attack) ... The Xray showed a shadow or a cloud that she was worried about.. (Growing gray hair now...) ...
I leave town after that for 4 or 5 days, I needed to catch up on living... and escape my situation for a while. I sped, I drank, I hiked, I had fun...
One by one the blood tests came back, and I was emailed results of it as each one came back. There were a few problems, I had touches of being anemic and my Lymphs Absolute level was high.. Other than that, my blood work was okay.. So I breathed a little easier... But I was still worried about that ekg, about that xray.
So Tuesday I head home, getting more and more nervous by the mile... An Wednesday I wasn’t feeling any calmer, I was sweating bullets. I went to the doctor, I checked in, and I was brought back almost immediately for blood pressure and consultation.
The doctor I saw, struck me as gay from the start. Skipping in through the door merrily.. (okay not a clear sign) ... Then the limp hand shake .. (Again not a clear sign) .. Then he starts talking... (Gaydar goes full tilt... Houston We have a problem..) Despite feeling a little uncomfortable, I’m a pisces.. I’m in touch with my emotions and feminine side... but not to the extent this guy is.. O.O I ask him about my problems, I asked him about my blood test results.. An he told me, that because I was sick and that I’ve been so worried and not eating as much.. The results were normal, the Lymphs absolute raises when you fight an infection or a disease. The anemia is normal for not eating as much, and also again.. fighting off bad things.. (I sit a little taller as a metric ton of stress lifts) ..
I ask him about the EKG, and he asks me about my ethnic background.. My weight, my stress level.. What I eat, exercise.. An he told me, based on that... The results were normal.. I just had to watch my blood pressure, (I have meds) and I’d be fine.
The big thing, my xray.. I asked him about the shadow on my xray, and he looks at it for a minute, he checks both films ... An Gives me a quick anatomy lesson, about the heart and the blood flows in the chest. The shadows and clouds were blood flowing in and out of my chest. My heart looked fine, my xrays looked fine.
All in all, I looked fine. He asked about my weight again, and my eating habits. He asked why I didn’t exercise more, and I told him about my back injury and that despite being impaired.. I wasn’t classified as disabled. That it hurt some days to even get out of bed. An others, I could act like a spry teenager.
*shrugs*
I’ve been trying to digest all of that. An it’s put me a little off in the head .. HEY no snide remarks.. I know I have never been "All there" .. :P
That's my big entry for the last two months, I'm feeling better. My chest only hurts once in a while, and I'm kinda detoxing on the stress.
Now excuse me for my moment of emo-ness when I write this, I wonder who reads my entries.. Show of hands? I'd rather consolidate my entries on which ever journal people read the most. I know that my ex and Sacqua read my myspace... An over in this neck of the woods, I can never tell because no one bloody responds other than sacqua :D
This journal wont go away, if myspace is more popular.. It will just remain as it has for the last two months.. Entry free. Lately, I've been talking with people more on the phone and IM's than in LJ. I feel like I'm talking to the wall here, when I started this journal to share who I am and what I am with everyone. I started this to get feed back from others, because it gave me insight to my actions.
So as a whole, this last year, this journal has failed miserably at doing that. It became a chore to write, and try to chase people away just to get a reaction. I'm tired of that, I'm tired of having to provoke reactions out of y'all. So a simple "I read it" or silence will do.
I'm growing up here, bear with me as I take steps.
This is an entry I wrote there, and to save time.. I'll copy and paste.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
now that I’ve had a chance...
Current mood:
chipper
I didn’t want to talk about what was going on in my life, until I had a chance to absorb it all and cope.
I’ve had a very traumatic (mentally and emotionally) past 3 months. It’s april, and I can put it behind me.
Before you think otherwise, this isn’t a April fools joke. This is me, expressing myself.
Since my parents came home in December, I’ve been having chest pains. They’d get worse from time to time, making me want to go to the hospital. What kept me OUT of the hospital was a lack of money, and a lack of medical insurance... So I applied for basic health through Washington state. In Mid February I got my confirmation that I was accepted in the plan, and in the 2nd week of march my card arrived.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, by a very long long shot.
In December I went to the walk in clinic (December 7th), and they told me I had issues with anxiety and scheduled me for an examination by another doctor.
Roll the clock forward to December 28th... I go see this doctor, and he gives me what is called a "Zung" test to measure the amount of my depression. I took his little test, and it showed I wasn’t depressed by any means. He assumed my chest pains were anxiety related, and proceeded to medicate me.
Roll the clock forward through things I’ve already complained about that I don’t need to re-iterate. January 27th my dad takes me off the anti anxiety medication for very good reasons, and January 28th I see said doctor again. Upon taking another zung test, I fail it miserably, but the doctor ignores it and says to stop taking my anxiety medication and stick with my blood pressure medication.
Roll clock forward 2 weeks, of even more misery... Upon Coming off the withdrawls, I have to take myself off my blood pressure medication because of side-effects... An I can’t get in to the doctor to get more. (Chest pain resurfaces... weeeeeeeeeee)
Roll the clock forward to march 20th, where I go to Group Death (Group Heath (GHC.org)) to the urgent care.. Mind you I had an appointment on the 26th already... My mom kind of ambushed me...
I get bounced around from department to department for 30-40 minutes, and finally seen by a Doctor. We took chest xrays, Blood tests, an EKG ... and then I saw her again. Looking at the EKG, the doctor said there was something with either the tissue or the muscle around/near my heart. (Panic Attack) ... The Xray showed a shadow or a cloud that she was worried about.. (Growing gray hair now...) ...
I leave town after that for 4 or 5 days, I needed to catch up on living... and escape my situation for a while. I sped, I drank, I hiked, I had fun...
One by one the blood tests came back, and I was emailed results of it as each one came back. There were a few problems, I had touches of being anemic and my Lymphs Absolute level was high.. Other than that, my blood work was okay.. So I breathed a little easier... But I was still worried about that ekg, about that xray.
So Tuesday I head home, getting more and more nervous by the mile... An Wednesday I wasn’t feeling any calmer, I was sweating bullets. I went to the doctor, I checked in, and I was brought back almost immediately for blood pressure and consultation.
The doctor I saw, struck me as gay from the start. Skipping in through the door merrily.. (okay not a clear sign) ... Then the limp hand shake .. (Again not a clear sign) .. Then he starts talking... (Gaydar goes full tilt... Houston We have a problem..) Despite feeling a little uncomfortable, I’m a pisces.. I’m in touch with my emotions and feminine side... but not to the extent this guy is.. O.O I ask him about my problems, I asked him about my blood test results.. An he told me, that because I was sick and that I’ve been so worried and not eating as much.. The results were normal, the Lymphs absolute raises when you fight an infection or a disease. The anemia is normal for not eating as much, and also again.. fighting off bad things.. (I sit a little taller as a metric ton of stress lifts) ..
I ask him about the EKG, and he asks me about my ethnic background.. My weight, my stress level.. What I eat, exercise.. An he told me, based on that... The results were normal.. I just had to watch my blood pressure, (I have meds) and I’d be fine.
The big thing, my xray.. I asked him about the shadow on my xray, and he looks at it for a minute, he checks both films ... An Gives me a quick anatomy lesson, about the heart and the blood flows in the chest. The shadows and clouds were blood flowing in and out of my chest. My heart looked fine, my xrays looked fine.
All in all, I looked fine. He asked about my weight again, and my eating habits. He asked why I didn’t exercise more, and I told him about my back injury and that despite being impaired.. I wasn’t classified as disabled. That it hurt some days to even get out of bed. An others, I could act like a spry teenager.
*shrugs*
I’ve been trying to digest all of that. An it’s put me a little off in the head .. HEY no snide remarks.. I know I have never been "All there" .. :P
That's my big entry for the last two months, I'm feeling better. My chest only hurts once in a while, and I'm kinda detoxing on the stress.
Now excuse me for my moment of emo-ness when I write this, I wonder who reads my entries.. Show of hands? I'd rather consolidate my entries on which ever journal people read the most. I know that my ex and Sacqua read my myspace... An over in this neck of the woods, I can never tell because no one bloody responds other than sacqua :D
This journal wont go away, if myspace is more popular.. It will just remain as it has for the last two months.. Entry free. Lately, I've been talking with people more on the phone and IM's than in LJ. I feel like I'm talking to the wall here, when I started this journal to share who I am and what I am with everyone. I started this to get feed back from others, because it gave me insight to my actions.
So as a whole, this last year, this journal has failed miserably at doing that. It became a chore to write, and try to chase people away just to get a reaction. I'm tired of that, I'm tired of having to provoke reactions out of y'all. So a simple "I read it" or silence will do.
I'm growing up here, bear with me as I take steps.