An answer to a response to a joke gone awry
The ball is always in my court it seems, these days. I never said I expected to be more important in your life, I said that I knew that your life was more important than me. I have no delusions of grandeur that my life is more important than anyone elses.
Right now, and for a little while I am hurt by the joke. It was in poor taste, and I took offense to it. That's just the cultural and personal differences... Here, in the states, you don't joke w/ someone who has tried to off themselves.. about offing them selves. It's considered in poor taste, and sometimes egging the person on to try again.
I don't want to be a priority in your life, btw, because you have so many priorities in your life. Having sick and disabled children is hard, compound that with going to school and work, and managing a new relationship. You have an impossible life to lead.
If there's nothing more about me for you to learn but this, I'm an understanding person. I look at something inside out, sideways, upways, slantways, backways, frontways, and over and under.. Then I step back about 20 yards and look again. So I understand the situation you are in, and I also understand why you don't contact me as much as you use too. I don't have any issue with that, I don't have any beef with that, I wont twist your arm to call me or write me.
I Understand.
Now understand where I'm coming from, as much as your life is chaotic for you... Mine is for me. I've been unemployed and partially disabled for two plus years now. I have been virtually alone, due to my own making, trying to emotionally survive some how. I was issued a script to take by a doctor who believes medicating is the treatment for all that ails you. That medication destroyed me mentally and emotionally, and I tried to destroy myself physically.
I am not in a place to take jokes about my personal well being, nor will I be for a long time to come. When someone tells a joke like that, at my expense, it makes me feel like my existence in this world isn't justified. It is bad enough that no one deems me worth to call, or include in their lives anymore due to my actions while I was depressed. It's bad enough that my only friend I can relate to in this country has to deal with my emo ass on a daily basis. I want to be happy enough that I can be a good friend to her, not a emotional leech.
When someone tells a joke at my expense like that, when they try to crack wise and put me down in the same stroke.. Just to try to "Cheer me up" that hurts me on several levels, and I hope that you realize it. I hope that you'll think twice before you tell a joke like that, because it can do more harm than good. I sent several emails that day to talk with a few friends, and then I walked away from the computer and got in my car and left. I drove for a few hours just to clear my mind and think.
An when I had come to a rational conclusion, you sign on for all of 4 minutes and fire off a "I'm sorry" and a few other comments and jet off on your busy schedule. You should have waited, I suppose, until you had more time to talk with me.. because that in itself was a kind of slap in the face on an emotional level. "I'm sorry" and run off without giving me a chance to talk. Now yes, I understand you have the kids to take to school, and then university and work. I understand your busy, I understand that life stands still for no one. I completely and utterly understand that. Without fail, I understand that. I don't resent that, I don't have issue with that.
It's about timing, it's about communication... An lately there has been none of that. At all.
I'm not talking about phone calls, I'm not talking about letters, or emails or anything. The only communication we've had, of serious nature is a few minutes in your morning before you go off to work.. Or when you are about to go to bed when you get home. Granted, there is an insane time difference.. but I have just enough time to ask how your kids are doing and how you are.. then it's off to bed you go.
For me, communication is EVERYTHING. You know this, you know a lot about me. I can see when communication is not being established. And it isn't, not by a long shot, that's what time and space and life does to people.
I don't write online much anymore, it just doesn't feel like home anymore. I created this live journal to share my thoughts, and poems, and ideas with everyone and hopefully get some feedback. Every now and then someone will read and comment, and I get all giddy an happy.. But for the most part, I'm ignored and written off.
Please don't consider me insensitive when I write this, but when I write you an email... please write me an email back .. not respond in a comment to my journal, and not even remark upon what I've written. I write these entries in hopes people will share my laughs and joys, and comfort me when I fall flat on my face. I write these entries to share who I am inside, since so many people have so little to do with me.
I've always asked for comments, but comments I seek are for the idea's I've shared here. The comments I seek are for people to share an emotional bond with what I'm going through. An that entry in particular was an entry about myself coming to terms with my lot in life, accepting who I am an what I have to do.
I have no idea if you read my journal on a regular basis, or if you read it all. Maybe you only comment on it when I write you or upset you. I don't know, because if you look back at the comments I've had recently.. There haven't been any. I have no idea if you even know what goes on in my life at all, or if you know when I'm in pain. I have no way to know that, just as (since I have yet to see you keep an updated journal online) I have no way to know what goes on in your life except when we talk sporadically.
Maybe I should discontinue writing at this point, either this entry, or this journal. I finally get a comment on my journal, and here I am bitching about it. What a hypocrite.. (referring to myself)
Now to how I am doing, I am doing okay. I still get a little overly depressed from time to time, but I'm managing. Coming off of those pills I was on, was a nightmare for me. As much as I wanted to hurt myself while I was on them, I wanted to hurt myself even more to keep from suffering with the withdrawls. I am suffering from insomnia of a sort, I can't get to sleep until after 2 in the morning. Only way I can do so is to set my alarm early early early in the morning, and walk like a zombie the next day. It resets my sleeping schedule, but eventually I end up back at 2 am.
I went to the casino tonight with my mom, we both lost big .. but had a good time doing so. It was nice to get out of the house, something I don't do often enough.
I've been looking at some places for work, but it looks like I may have to go with a temp agency. I'm hesitant about this, because I got burned by the temp agency I worked for before.
Here in this state, when you are injured on the job... Especially a job like a temp agency, either they or the state is suppose to find work for you. The temp agency I worked for, dropped me like a hot potato after I got injured. NEVER called me back, never wrote me, never even sent me a card. An the state did the same, no vocational training, and cut off my support when the doctor declared me partially disabled.
This leaves me in a bind, I don't have the training or experience, or education to get a good paying job. Nor do I have the stamina to stand long periods of time because my back seizes up and exhausts me after being in a position for too long.
Some of it has to do with my weight, which I want to change.. but again this takes money. Something I have nothing of. The rest of it has to do with the fact I have a degenerated disc in my back, and that it pinches a nerve from time to time that renders me as mobile as a rock.
Such is life.
Any ways enough of my whining, I am going to bed as it's past my bedtime. Much hugs and kisses and loves to Denise and hope.
Right now, and for a little while I am hurt by the joke. It was in poor taste, and I took offense to it. That's just the cultural and personal differences... Here, in the states, you don't joke w/ someone who has tried to off themselves.. about offing them selves. It's considered in poor taste, and sometimes egging the person on to try again.
I don't want to be a priority in your life, btw, because you have so many priorities in your life. Having sick and disabled children is hard, compound that with going to school and work, and managing a new relationship. You have an impossible life to lead.
If there's nothing more about me for you to learn but this, I'm an understanding person. I look at something inside out, sideways, upways, slantways, backways, frontways, and over and under.. Then I step back about 20 yards and look again. So I understand the situation you are in, and I also understand why you don't contact me as much as you use too. I don't have any issue with that, I don't have any beef with that, I wont twist your arm to call me or write me.
I Understand.
Now understand where I'm coming from, as much as your life is chaotic for you... Mine is for me. I've been unemployed and partially disabled for two plus years now. I have been virtually alone, due to my own making, trying to emotionally survive some how. I was issued a script to take by a doctor who believes medicating is the treatment for all that ails you. That medication destroyed me mentally and emotionally, and I tried to destroy myself physically.
I am not in a place to take jokes about my personal well being, nor will I be for a long time to come. When someone tells a joke like that, at my expense, it makes me feel like my existence in this world isn't justified. It is bad enough that no one deems me worth to call, or include in their lives anymore due to my actions while I was depressed. It's bad enough that my only friend I can relate to in this country has to deal with my emo ass on a daily basis. I want to be happy enough that I can be a good friend to her, not a emotional leech.
When someone tells a joke at my expense like that, when they try to crack wise and put me down in the same stroke.. Just to try to "Cheer me up" that hurts me on several levels, and I hope that you realize it. I hope that you'll think twice before you tell a joke like that, because it can do more harm than good. I sent several emails that day to talk with a few friends, and then I walked away from the computer and got in my car and left. I drove for a few hours just to clear my mind and think.
An when I had come to a rational conclusion, you sign on for all of 4 minutes and fire off a "I'm sorry" and a few other comments and jet off on your busy schedule. You should have waited, I suppose, until you had more time to talk with me.. because that in itself was a kind of slap in the face on an emotional level. "I'm sorry" and run off without giving me a chance to talk. Now yes, I understand you have the kids to take to school, and then university and work. I understand your busy, I understand that life stands still for no one. I completely and utterly understand that. Without fail, I understand that. I don't resent that, I don't have issue with that.
It's about timing, it's about communication... An lately there has been none of that. At all.
I'm not talking about phone calls, I'm not talking about letters, or emails or anything. The only communication we've had, of serious nature is a few minutes in your morning before you go off to work.. Or when you are about to go to bed when you get home. Granted, there is an insane time difference.. but I have just enough time to ask how your kids are doing and how you are.. then it's off to bed you go.
For me, communication is EVERYTHING. You know this, you know a lot about me. I can see when communication is not being established. And it isn't, not by a long shot, that's what time and space and life does to people.
I don't write online much anymore, it just doesn't feel like home anymore. I created this live journal to share my thoughts, and poems, and ideas with everyone and hopefully get some feedback. Every now and then someone will read and comment, and I get all giddy an happy.. But for the most part, I'm ignored and written off.
Please don't consider me insensitive when I write this, but when I write you an email... please write me an email back .. not respond in a comment to my journal, and not even remark upon what I've written. I write these entries in hopes people will share my laughs and joys, and comfort me when I fall flat on my face. I write these entries to share who I am inside, since so many people have so little to do with me.
I've always asked for comments, but comments I seek are for the idea's I've shared here. The comments I seek are for people to share an emotional bond with what I'm going through. An that entry in particular was an entry about myself coming to terms with my lot in life, accepting who I am an what I have to do.
I have no idea if you read my journal on a regular basis, or if you read it all. Maybe you only comment on it when I write you or upset you. I don't know, because if you look back at the comments I've had recently.. There haven't been any. I have no idea if you even know what goes on in my life at all, or if you know when I'm in pain. I have no way to know that, just as (since I have yet to see you keep an updated journal online) I have no way to know what goes on in your life except when we talk sporadically.
Maybe I should discontinue writing at this point, either this entry, or this journal. I finally get a comment on my journal, and here I am bitching about it. What a hypocrite.. (referring to myself)
Now to how I am doing, I am doing okay. I still get a little overly depressed from time to time, but I'm managing. Coming off of those pills I was on, was a nightmare for me. As much as I wanted to hurt myself while I was on them, I wanted to hurt myself even more to keep from suffering with the withdrawls. I am suffering from insomnia of a sort, I can't get to sleep until after 2 in the morning. Only way I can do so is to set my alarm early early early in the morning, and walk like a zombie the next day. It resets my sleeping schedule, but eventually I end up back at 2 am.
I went to the casino tonight with my mom, we both lost big .. but had a good time doing so. It was nice to get out of the house, something I don't do often enough.
I've been looking at some places for work, but it looks like I may have to go with a temp agency. I'm hesitant about this, because I got burned by the temp agency I worked for before.
Here in this state, when you are injured on the job... Especially a job like a temp agency, either they or the state is suppose to find work for you. The temp agency I worked for, dropped me like a hot potato after I got injured. NEVER called me back, never wrote me, never even sent me a card. An the state did the same, no vocational training, and cut off my support when the doctor declared me partially disabled.
This leaves me in a bind, I don't have the training or experience, or education to get a good paying job. Nor do I have the stamina to stand long periods of time because my back seizes up and exhausts me after being in a position for too long.
Some of it has to do with my weight, which I want to change.. but again this takes money. Something I have nothing of. The rest of it has to do with the fact I have a degenerated disc in my back, and that it pinches a nerve from time to time that renders me as mobile as a rock.
Such is life.
Any ways enough of my whining, I am going to bed as it's past my bedtime. Much hugs and kisses and loves to Denise and hope.