not chipper

[tecnodrome]

i'm feeling pretty blah at the moment. one of those "everything collapsing on you" nights. i'm really not getting much of anything done. i've sort of just been coasting along for a while, and convincing myself to just sort of ignore the tasks i need to do in order to go anywhere with my life. i'm amazed at how easy it is. one of the main problems in this is that, nearly without exception, i've hardly ever felt motivated in my entire life. practically every project i've ever finished, every goal i've ever reached has been because someone else has been breathing down my neck to get it done, so i did at the latest possible moment and with the least amount of actual effort put into it. i can look back into grade school and only see myself pulling the exact same bullshit i've pulled ever since, only since then i've been putting in less effort into bigger things, more important things in school and in my life, things now that actually matter, unlike mrs. beam's 2nd grade....whatever she gave us.
that's another thing, my memory was bad before, and its worse now. i was looking through my old phone's numbers and coming across name after name that i could not put with a face
and im out of shape, each day is literally the worst physical shape my body has ever been in, i took my resting heart rate and looked online to find myself in the "below average" category, the only category lower was "poor," and there were like 5 categories above
and my apartment's a mess
and i'm the farthest away i've ever been from friends or family
and i'm sure my lungs don't like me,
and i'm keeping up a terrible diet
and i'm not writing
and on
and on
and on
and on...