Dec 13, 2004 06:19
So much has been going on lately that sometimes I simply forget to breathe, and with that, I have forgotten what it is like to live. I don't know what sometimes it takes me so long to realize these things. Its not like I am stupid....
Its been a long time since I can remember being happy. There has always been something bad, but when I look back to my past, I don't regret any of it because I am still here, I am still alive. Sure I can say that I wish I was dead, and that I wish my mom aborted me, but I don't really feel like that. My words create my escape sometimes.
Lately, I have been crying a lot. I couldn't really understand it until tonight. I have been putting the blame of George, this totally incredible guy I met by mistake. But, the blame really belongs to only me. I don't remember who I am sometimes. I don't remember where I came from. I'm not rich, nor perfect. I am average, normal, just like everyone else. I use my life as my excuse, and I need to stop. For now on, when people tell me to ask my parents, I'll just say sure, instead of saying what parents. I do pity myself, and with that I hurt myself.
I've never been popular, infact, I always found a reason to have people not like me. I'm afraid to be liked. Why, yea, I admit, it sounds stupid, but I am afraid because I don't want them to stop liking me. I think that is why I gave Ed such a hard time. And, I know that is why its so hard for me to deal with George now.
People see the world through different eyes. My eyes have been wounded causing me to see only scratches. I went to get glasses today. Not actual glasses, but I sat down and thought. I thought a lot. I know I use my sexuality as my scapegoat. I mean who wouldn't want to feel like they are the most important person in the world. But I know that when I am lying there, I feel like the most worthless person in the world. So why do I continue? Honestly, I don't know what else to do. People won't forgive me. Its an addiction I suppose.
When my campers all IM'ed me about how they found out, I didn't worry about how I ruined their image as a role model, I worried about whether they would like me again... that was selfish of me to do. Olivia, a younger version of me, well, she still is there. I am not sure why sometimes, but I know that even though she is only 13, her heart is pure. My heart was once pure, but then I became obsessed with people liking me. Instead of doing things I did when I was younger, like teaching Bible school, helping with Serman Service for toddlers, Charity, Girl Scouts, town fairs, I became self involved, and sexually involved.
When I came back to school this year, I was finally Vikki again. I met a really great guy. A smart guy. A guy that liked me for me, not me for what was between my legs. But, I made a mistake. It was a mistake that haunts me constantly, but yet, I cannot complain because I have done nothing but encouraged it. The funny thing is though, I was done then. I was ready to start a new life. Having him tell me he liked me, trusting him, and then being let down, I wallowed in my own self pity and ran to my escape. My alter ego.
Recently, I met another boy. A boy that drove an hour to help me in a time of need not even knowing me. A boy who held me in his arms and made me cry. Not in sorrow, but in te idea that someone is out there for someone like me. Someone like me though, screwed it up. I couldn't let what happened before happen again, so I wasn't myself. Instead I was angry, aggressive, annoying. I also began to throw our friendship away, but no matter how much I fight, kick and scream, he hasn't left. Give it time and he will, but that makes him only human.
I yelled at him twice this week. The funny part is, I don't think all that anger I have toward him is because of him. I know for a fact part of it is because of what I heard about the first guy I spoke about. Now this may sound weird and none of my business, and in all honesty, it isn't my business, but it affected me. He lost his virginity. Now, the girl doesn't matter. She is a sweet girl. So why is this bothering me? Its his purity. Its her purity. I wish I could be sacred to my husband. They are adults though, and it is not my responsibility to save the world. I just wish they waited a little longer.
I feel bad for how horrible I have been to George. He is right, if I am not his type, well then I am not his type. I remember when I had a crush on Aaron Liller... hell, he'd look at me in Geometry and I would burst with excitement. Becky was always there then. I'd look at her, and she'd know why I was glowing... then she'd write me a note... I was a horrible friend to her though. I was so selfish. I was wrong to Liz too.
I've snarled at Hilton recently too. About the Senior trip. How no one was there for me. Why should they have been. I was a bad friend so they had no reason to involve themselves for no reason. I still hurt a lot about that. I know I shouldn't have gone into that room, but it wasn't his room. It was Danny's. I said no. No means no. It was highschool though, right? I don't know what to do about it. I know I should just forget it, but it hurts.
Its 6:45 am and I haven't been to sleep. I have an exam Thursday that I haven't begun to study for. I need to rest. Goodnite!
Simple Plan- Welcome to my Life
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
but no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and their stupid lies
Well deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like [x2]
Welcome to my life [x3]