(no subject)
I will say that I am really upset... I don't know why I Liked Jeff. Its so crazy. I mean the odds were completly against both of us considering that we both made career choices that could cause jealousy, and I am a worried, jealous person... but I cared for him. Even despite what happened with my roommate even though she is becoming an important friend to me, I still liked him. I didn't want to change him. I liked his strong mind.... I just wished he would hold me and love me more. I don't know if it was love. Love can be described by so many meanings, but I was extreme care. I did love being around his family, and just wish I wasn't so fearful around them, that was mostly Eric Milano's family's fault. I still have horrors about how much they hated me. But about Jeff, I liked his belief in GOD. I loved his belief in GOD. Not many guys that are into me are into him like that. I liked that he was in the Miltary. I think that is amazing. I liked that he has dreams of a family. I want one so bad. And frankly, I don't want to wait much longer. I would be willing to move to an apartment of campus and start my family taking 1 or 2 classes a semester and pursuing teaching at a slower pace, at the rate I am going, that is my pace anyways. I want a ring on my hand that says I am loved. I never really have been loved. I don't think Eric was old enough to know what love was when he proposed. I suppose that is why it didn't work. How do you think it feels to have never been loved. I can honestly say, I have never been loved. Does that stop me from knowing waht love really is and therefore I am unable to tell the difference between stronge care and love? Life is to hard sometimes. I wish it had a manual. I should write a manual to life. From the time you learn to open your eyes to the time where you ask for all your sins to be forgiven as you enter heavens gates. I want to be a quardian Angel. Okay well, I got really side tracked. Today, I was so mentally withdrawn, and drunk that after my shoot I collapsed in the car. I literally passed out. Jeff strained every bit of happiness out of me, and I couldn't take it. How can you one day say "I love you" and the next say "fuck you?" Its just so hard. So what if I was nervous about him going out with other girls, at least i was women enough to admit tohim my uneasyness. But, perhaps I should have shut my mouth and just went with the flow. I think if he were to get back with me, I would be quiter. I would let him make the decisions. Believe it or not, I think he would have been that image of the father I would want for my kids. The stern, loving father, where I would be the mother that did everything for them, but got semi-annoying for always being involved in their lives. He would be the one where the kids would be "Dad, can I have some money?" And I would be "Mom, can you drop me off at Drew's house?" Things suck right now, and I think it is my fault. With him talking about spending the reast of his life with me and such, I paniced considering I am not finacially stable right now nor is he. I guess after being with guys like Vince who just took and took from me, and then going to someone like Eric Munoz who amazingly relaxed about everything in life, Jeff and my relationship was a hard conversion. I was wrong in a lot of ways and as bratty and I truly am, I will admit that. I was really truly wrong. I don't know what to say... I just need to speak. Why is my life how it is? I am sure no one is reading this by now because long drawn out journals get quite boring, but I am really stressed and I need to talk... I need friends... I have so little and those I have live so far. Its not easy having your closest friends live in Israel, South Africa, England, Germany, and Austrailia. I mean I know Eric, Pete, and ROb are here, but I can only bother them so much.... I am just so stressed... HELP!!!!