2nd go
The day started with something akin to rage.
Monitoring ovulation is nothing less than boring and I cannot believe I've been doing this for 2 years now. This morning mr-fertility-monitor-machine decided that despite being day 17; there was no egg. Smelling foul play; I grabbed a left over pharmacy test and my watch and tested again... and tested again again.
3 tests later I was sure there was an egg... but no way to know if it was day 1 or day 2 of the egg. I cursed all the demons in the sea, the ones of the land, the ones in the sky and booked an appointment at the fertility clinic anyways.for ''best results'': insiminations are done on the 2nd day of the ovulation. On top of the absolute certainty that I was ovulating on the bad side (the side were there is no more tube to get the egg where it needs to be) today's procedure has been harder on my nerves than I had expected.
2 months after ''the incident'' (that was last February) I took the hormones; buckling up for another go. I blamed the hormones for making me emotional and depressed but with the hindsight; I think I wasnt ready at all to consider going through this again. I would have been more wise to admit my distress and respect my limits.. but hey.. thats not really what I do. In the end it was for naught. The egg came at the only time JF and me were completely committed to an event away for the city; JF was the main storyteller of an important bicolinne scenario and I was animating.... It was disappointing but I can say I beat the hell out of the players to compensate. Fighting after all this crap was therapeutic to no end and it honestly helped find a foothold in the world again. If I can run, fight, scream and take blows... then maybe I can take more of this.. maybe.
Another cycle passed and the time to take the boosters came again, (March). This time I was ready; I stopped coffee, did tai chi and used breathing techniques to relax and keep calm. It worked! leading me to believe the depressive state I had experienced the previous time might not have been so chemically related... I guess I will never really know for sure...
And Today; going back to the clinic has brought up a lot of emotions. I found it so hard to go through the same motions I did in november, with the impression that it was not going to work, with the fear that I would get another EP, that I might have been fighting a lost battle...but I did everything anyway. I hid in the bathroom a few times to cry and JF was always there to notice my puffy eyes and give me a hug. It was rough but now that it is done; I feel there is something that is passed. I guess we are back on track, for whatever may come.
I had promised myself never to hope again. It was my first thought after the surgery. I decided that I would never be naive enough to wish things would work out. I have expected it would make it easier for when they dont. I am less angry now and even thought I am still very afraid to hope; I understand that without it; nothing would be possible. There is no motivation without dreams.
For the record: I still think this attempt will not turn out. But the one after has better chances.
At the clinic there are ipad-stations in the waiting room. I tried an free i-ching reading that came back as:
'small and persistent efforts eventually lead to success'
the key word here is ''eventually'' :3
Monitoring ovulation is nothing less than boring and I cannot believe I've been doing this for 2 years now. This morning mr-fertility-monitor-machine decided that despite being day 17; there was no egg. Smelling foul play; I grabbed a left over pharmacy test and my watch and tested again... and tested again again.
3 tests later I was sure there was an egg... but no way to know if it was day 1 or day 2 of the egg. I cursed all the demons in the sea, the ones of the land, the ones in the sky and booked an appointment at the fertility clinic anyways.for ''best results'': insiminations are done on the 2nd day of the ovulation. On top of the absolute certainty that I was ovulating on the bad side (the side were there is no more tube to get the egg where it needs to be) today's procedure has been harder on my nerves than I had expected.
2 months after ''the incident'' (that was last February) I took the hormones; buckling up for another go. I blamed the hormones for making me emotional and depressed but with the hindsight; I think I wasnt ready at all to consider going through this again. I would have been more wise to admit my distress and respect my limits.. but hey.. thats not really what I do. In the end it was for naught. The egg came at the only time JF and me were completely committed to an event away for the city; JF was the main storyteller of an important bicolinne scenario and I was animating.... It was disappointing but I can say I beat the hell out of the players to compensate. Fighting after all this crap was therapeutic to no end and it honestly helped find a foothold in the world again. If I can run, fight, scream and take blows... then maybe I can take more of this.. maybe.
Another cycle passed and the time to take the boosters came again, (March). This time I was ready; I stopped coffee, did tai chi and used breathing techniques to relax and keep calm. It worked! leading me to believe the depressive state I had experienced the previous time might not have been so chemically related... I guess I will never really know for sure...
And Today; going back to the clinic has brought up a lot of emotions. I found it so hard to go through the same motions I did in november, with the impression that it was not going to work, with the fear that I would get another EP, that I might have been fighting a lost battle...but I did everything anyway. I hid in the bathroom a few times to cry and JF was always there to notice my puffy eyes and give me a hug. It was rough but now that it is done; I feel there is something that is passed. I guess we are back on track, for whatever may come.
I had promised myself never to hope again. It was my first thought after the surgery. I decided that I would never be naive enough to wish things would work out. I have expected it would make it easier for when they dont. I am less angry now and even thought I am still very afraid to hope; I understand that without it; nothing would be possible. There is no motivation without dreams.
For the record: I still think this attempt will not turn out. But the one after has better chances.
At the clinic there are ipad-stations in the waiting room. I tried an free i-ching reading that came back as:
'small and persistent efforts eventually lead to success'
the key word here is ''eventually'' :3