Thoughts of a Past That Never Was and Salvation in a Song
Thoughts of a Past:
I have been meaning to write this part of this blog for a while, each time i pass Cleavland High School on my way to Niki's house i think of it. and i keep telling myself to write this blog, and finally, here at 5:16am, i remember to do it.
Cleavland High School hold special meaning to me when i pass it for any reason. the special meaning is this: at the end of my 8th grade year, i was caught between places to stay. my mother and i basicly couch hopping between her friend Mary and my friend Newman's house. while living with Mary, i was destined to go to Cleavland, then we finally left there and moved in (breifly) with Newman, at that point my entire history changed, my destination chaged from Cleavland to Madison, where it finally rested. i think back to that time, that if things had gone diffrently, if we stayed with Mary, instead of leaving. what would my life be like? what friends would i have? what would happen to me? the only friend out of my current list i would have is maybe Newman, but who knows what would have happened there, what kind of man i would be today if i had gone that route. would i still have been introduced to the Carnival? to the idea of Focus? if so, would i have taken it? would i be living near to Cleavland instead of where i am now? then the next question, would i want to give up what i have now to find out? to give up my cloest friends, to give up the life i have led over the past long time. i cant help but want to know where i would be. i always try to think of the "if"s. but there is no way i would want to give up what i have now, the friends, my ninjas, Matt, Charles (or W as he is known right now), Newman, Cory and even Adam for a time. and to think of if i did go down that path, the lives of my closest friends, how would they differ? because no matter how much some of us think we dont, we make an impact on everyones life we come in contact with. there is our imprint there, and it can not be removed. to think of how Matt's, or Charles', Newman's life, Niki, Tori (to the small amount of time i have been close to them), Cory, Heather and my Roommate Micheals' lives would change, where would these people be without me? where would i be without them? these are questions that can never be answered, what lies down the fork in the road, what lies down the path we did choose later on? i dont know, but i know i like who i am, and where i am at right now. i may want to change me in the future, but the past, leave it the same. for without it, i would be a diffrent man.
Salvation in a Song:
This morning about 6am, i walked out of Newman's apt to take a walk. i just couldnt keep my mind off of things, Tori, mostly. so i throw my hoodie on, and grab my MP3 player. i throw the switch and watch the blue light come to life in the screen. i alter the settings to repeat 1, and put it on Half Full off of the new Shaggy 2 Dope album. the song goes through twice as i walk up stark st. and finally turn left on 150th. i really start thinking of the words, How do you look at the world, is it cold, is your glass half empty, or is it half full? that line stood out to me so much that i have put it as a pop up message on my profile here. becaues its something to think about, how do we look at the world? is it empty, or full? i realize that i see it diffrently sometimes than i do others. for me that glass' content analysis changes. right now, my glass is 1/2 empty, i am stuck in a no where ability to do things. i'm completely crazy for someone who i have no idea if she really wants to be with me, i just hope she does. but yet we press on, and the song repeats. i reach burnside and hang another left to go down. i am screaming the words to this song by this point, it finishes for i think the 6th time as i finally start to get back to the Apt's parking lot. but then i stop, i switch the track, to Your Life (same CD), and when that song hits the first verse, i just get really happy all of a sudden, the glass switches. so instead of turning back into the parking lot and up to the apt again, i keep going, i go right this time and take a diffrent path. a smile crosses my face, i start skipping even for a few seconds. That song is extremely uplifting when i hear it. i just cant help but get happy. i start looking up, i notice the sunrise, and talk about beauty, the pink sky, wrapped around Mt. Hood. such beauty, and to think, normally i am up just time time to miss it. but today, i couldnt sleep, so i got to see it. i just wish i could have been up at Rocky Butte to see it. but nothing can get me down at this point. i finally get back to the apt, in an extremely good mood. i sneak in as not to wake the two sleeping on the floor. i softly lie back down in the bean bag and finally am able to sleep, with hope for the future again. its weird how just a song can do that.
Quotes of the Entry:
"It's your glass, is it half full or half empty?"
-Shaggy 2 Dope
"The one charm of the past is that it is the past."
~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
I have been meaning to write this part of this blog for a while, each time i pass Cleavland High School on my way to Niki's house i think of it. and i keep telling myself to write this blog, and finally, here at 5:16am, i remember to do it.
Cleavland High School hold special meaning to me when i pass it for any reason. the special meaning is this: at the end of my 8th grade year, i was caught between places to stay. my mother and i basicly couch hopping between her friend Mary and my friend Newman's house. while living with Mary, i was destined to go to Cleavland, then we finally left there and moved in (breifly) with Newman, at that point my entire history changed, my destination chaged from Cleavland to Madison, where it finally rested. i think back to that time, that if things had gone diffrently, if we stayed with Mary, instead of leaving. what would my life be like? what friends would i have? what would happen to me? the only friend out of my current list i would have is maybe Newman, but who knows what would have happened there, what kind of man i would be today if i had gone that route. would i still have been introduced to the Carnival? to the idea of Focus? if so, would i have taken it? would i be living near to Cleavland instead of where i am now? then the next question, would i want to give up what i have now to find out? to give up my cloest friends, to give up the life i have led over the past long time. i cant help but want to know where i would be. i always try to think of the "if"s. but there is no way i would want to give up what i have now, the friends, my ninjas, Matt, Charles (or W as he is known right now), Newman, Cory and even Adam for a time. and to think of if i did go down that path, the lives of my closest friends, how would they differ? because no matter how much some of us think we dont, we make an impact on everyones life we come in contact with. there is our imprint there, and it can not be removed. to think of how Matt's, or Charles', Newman's life, Niki, Tori (to the small amount of time i have been close to them), Cory, Heather and my Roommate Micheals' lives would change, where would these people be without me? where would i be without them? these are questions that can never be answered, what lies down the fork in the road, what lies down the path we did choose later on? i dont know, but i know i like who i am, and where i am at right now. i may want to change me in the future, but the past, leave it the same. for without it, i would be a diffrent man.
Salvation in a Song:
This morning about 6am, i walked out of Newman's apt to take a walk. i just couldnt keep my mind off of things, Tori, mostly. so i throw my hoodie on, and grab my MP3 player. i throw the switch and watch the blue light come to life in the screen. i alter the settings to repeat 1, and put it on Half Full off of the new Shaggy 2 Dope album. the song goes through twice as i walk up stark st. and finally turn left on 150th. i really start thinking of the words, How do you look at the world, is it cold, is your glass half empty, or is it half full? that line stood out to me so much that i have put it as a pop up message on my profile here. becaues its something to think about, how do we look at the world? is it empty, or full? i realize that i see it diffrently sometimes than i do others. for me that glass' content analysis changes. right now, my glass is 1/2 empty, i am stuck in a no where ability to do things. i'm completely crazy for someone who i have no idea if she really wants to be with me, i just hope she does. but yet we press on, and the song repeats. i reach burnside and hang another left to go down. i am screaming the words to this song by this point, it finishes for i think the 6th time as i finally start to get back to the Apt's parking lot. but then i stop, i switch the track, to Your Life (same CD), and when that song hits the first verse, i just get really happy all of a sudden, the glass switches. so instead of turning back into the parking lot and up to the apt again, i keep going, i go right this time and take a diffrent path. a smile crosses my face, i start skipping even for a few seconds. That song is extremely uplifting when i hear it. i just cant help but get happy. i start looking up, i notice the sunrise, and talk about beauty, the pink sky, wrapped around Mt. Hood. such beauty, and to think, normally i am up just time time to miss it. but today, i couldnt sleep, so i got to see it. i just wish i could have been up at Rocky Butte to see it. but nothing can get me down at this point. i finally get back to the apt, in an extremely good mood. i sneak in as not to wake the two sleeping on the floor. i softly lie back down in the bean bag and finally am able to sleep, with hope for the future again. its weird how just a song can do that.
Quotes of the Entry:
"It's your glass, is it half full or half empty?"
-Shaggy 2 Dope
"The one charm of the past is that it is the past."
~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray