...vivid recollections
one, two, three, four, five scoops.
i like it strong.
swing the top and stand, dizzy
wait a minute and drip drop drip
my nose waits for it, impatiently.
there we go.
the acid in my stomach.
never drinking coke again.
i heard you can now get adrenaline in liquid form on the streets.
me and evan were thinking bout doing that.
ahhh the smell in the house.
star wars playing in the background but im not sure why.
my nails bother me.
i want to cut them off till they bleed.
i stretch againnst my own mental will.
its hurting.
i know this.
thats why i didnt want to do this you dumbass.
sometimes i dont cursing. i dont like it in the mall when little children are around. i dont want to be blamed for the destruction of a child's mind and conscious knowledge of bad words. i was talking to my brother yesterday and he wouldnt play with his cousins. i asked why and he said he didnt feel good. i asked another question, one i wish somebody had asked me when i was younger and he came out with everything. i miss mommy and daddy. i want them to love them again. nothing will ever be that way again. it hadnt crossed my lips but ran through my mind repeatedly. he just kept crying. i wanted to cradle him tell him it would work out in the end. i wanted to walk away and let him deal with it. it'll toughen him. he needs that. i never had somebody to run to when shit got tough for me. but here i am playing pity. if he can just build up a wall, he can be helped. when i just sat everso upright and stared off into the corner of the room, he grabbed my arm and said help me. i couldnt help but feel a tinge in my eye. i cannot help him. i should stay away from him. things would be better that way. but i cant do that to him. its not fair. he knows about me. he knos i exist. its not like the cassandra story. i never knew at an early age, that she existed. its only when drunken and pregnancy guilt corrupted my mother that she brought all this before me. i dont like this. the sounds in the background make me angry and i dont know what to do but stop it. these keys are getting irritating but i plan to stop soon so i wont even bother with it now. i go shopping today. getting healthy foods. i am in need of them. malnutrition makes me weary and then i feel drugged and i dont need to feel drugged right now. i have a pint in my bed. im tempted. nobody cares much anymore. i just might. i dont care much anymore. im tired, and my shoulders hurt. all of me hurts. the coffe's now done. it's 7:09a and i woke up 47 minutes ago. i dont know why. i went to sleep at 2a so i shouldnt be tired. my uncle john wants me to ask for a paternity test from my dad. i havent even talked to him in a month. i dont want it. its those greedy people just wanting me to bow down at them with anything i have. he's not supporting me anymore. im glad. im not glad. just indifferent. john just wants answers and i simply explained to him, i dont want answers. i have no contact with that family and i do not plan to have any contact in the future. i dont want them anymore. i havent for some time now. they wont let me be even the remotest ounce of whats really me. inside my heart. even thats fading now. im happy about the separation i have from them. they expected so much out of me. and now, im doing better with grades. never have i done good with grades. my g-ma told me to be a child psychologist so i can help children like my brother. i told him close your eyes and make the colors change. at first it's black and think of a song. your favorite song and with ech word they sing in the song, make the colors pretty. green, pink, red, orange...squeeze your eyes tight and feel the song being sung. he liked playing that game with me. we sang cowboy and laughed at ourselves. hes doing a puzzle now. he just woke up. i smell chocolate. im going now. just to the couch. and plop down and have some coffee and make breakfast from the family. my little brother and my grandmother on the couch.
i like it strong.
swing the top and stand, dizzy
wait a minute and drip drop drip
my nose waits for it, impatiently.
there we go.
the acid in my stomach.
never drinking coke again.
i heard you can now get adrenaline in liquid form on the streets.
me and evan were thinking bout doing that.
ahhh the smell in the house.
star wars playing in the background but im not sure why.
my nails bother me.
i want to cut them off till they bleed.
i stretch againnst my own mental will.
its hurting.
i know this.
thats why i didnt want to do this you dumbass.
sometimes i dont cursing. i dont like it in the mall when little children are around. i dont want to be blamed for the destruction of a child's mind and conscious knowledge of bad words. i was talking to my brother yesterday and he wouldnt play with his cousins. i asked why and he said he didnt feel good. i asked another question, one i wish somebody had asked me when i was younger and he came out with everything. i miss mommy and daddy. i want them to love them again. nothing will ever be that way again. it hadnt crossed my lips but ran through my mind repeatedly. he just kept crying. i wanted to cradle him tell him it would work out in the end. i wanted to walk away and let him deal with it. it'll toughen him. he needs that. i never had somebody to run to when shit got tough for me. but here i am playing pity. if he can just build up a wall, he can be helped. when i just sat everso upright and stared off into the corner of the room, he grabbed my arm and said help me. i couldnt help but feel a tinge in my eye. i cannot help him. i should stay away from him. things would be better that way. but i cant do that to him. its not fair. he knows about me. he knos i exist. its not like the cassandra story. i never knew at an early age, that she existed. its only when drunken and pregnancy guilt corrupted my mother that she brought all this before me. i dont like this. the sounds in the background make me angry and i dont know what to do but stop it. these keys are getting irritating but i plan to stop soon so i wont even bother with it now. i go shopping today. getting healthy foods. i am in need of them. malnutrition makes me weary and then i feel drugged and i dont need to feel drugged right now. i have a pint in my bed. im tempted. nobody cares much anymore. i just might. i dont care much anymore. im tired, and my shoulders hurt. all of me hurts. the coffe's now done. it's 7:09a and i woke up 47 minutes ago. i dont know why. i went to sleep at 2a so i shouldnt be tired. my uncle john wants me to ask for a paternity test from my dad. i havent even talked to him in a month. i dont want it. its those greedy people just wanting me to bow down at them with anything i have. he's not supporting me anymore. im glad. im not glad. just indifferent. john just wants answers and i simply explained to him, i dont want answers. i have no contact with that family and i do not plan to have any contact in the future. i dont want them anymore. i havent for some time now. they wont let me be even the remotest ounce of whats really me. inside my heart. even thats fading now. im happy about the separation i have from them. they expected so much out of me. and now, im doing better with grades. never have i done good with grades. my g-ma told me to be a child psychologist so i can help children like my brother. i told him close your eyes and make the colors change. at first it's black and think of a song. your favorite song and with ech word they sing in the song, make the colors pretty. green, pink, red, orange...squeeze your eyes tight and feel the song being sung. he liked playing that game with me. we sang cowboy and laughed at ourselves. hes doing a puzzle now. he just woke up. i smell chocolate. im going now. just to the couch. and plop down and have some coffee and make breakfast from the family. my little brother and my grandmother on the couch.