::Singing:: "I'm not waiting around. You have opened the door. Waiting for- nothing more...."

[tearswill_fall]

Someone please help me to understand. If I wake up in the night with less that 2 hours till I wake up, at 7:00 AM, I can't go back to sleep. I just think about the day to come. One more day to get through. One more day to survive. If I do manage to get through the night, the minute I wake up my heart starts beating so fast I feel like it's going to beat out of my chest. I'm always so cold even though I sleep under 3 heavy blankets and a sheet. I get in the shower and put it as hot as it can go. It burns for a minute but I'm too preoccupied with dreadful thoughts I barely notice. I stay in for about 30 minutes, letting the water accumulate until it's full enough for me to sit in it with my knees pulled close to my chest- rocking back and forth trying to convince myself everything will be OK. I get out and put on my robe and 2 other towels to cover every inch of me since I'll probably be shaking uncontrollably by this point. I dry off a little and then climb back into bed where I stay until it's ten minutes till 8:00 AM. I find something black to wear and gather my things. With my hair still dripping wet I head out to the car. The cold air sweeps over me snapping me out of a dull trance. I lock the door and go. What I don't understand is why they think I'm crazy for not wanting to repeat this day after day, week after week, month after month. It seems pretty crazy to actually believe it's worth it.

---Song Lyrics: A Perfect Circle: Weak and Powerless---

Little Angel go away
Come again another day
The Devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
He promised that I'm find a little solace and some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless