(no subject)
I don't know if I can handle this.
I lived with it for so long.
People around me are just making me worse.
I threw up this morning...
I felt so guilty after eating only a small piece of toast.
No jam, no butter.
I felt like a fat fuck.
I felt so sick to my stomach.
Like someone had asked me to drink poison.
And in a sanity lapsed moment.
I did.
It had to come out of my body.
It had to be gone.
I tried for so long not for it to turn out this way.
But since everyone else is letting it go.
I might as well too.
I never was cool.
Maybe if I do what they do.
I'll find someone to love me again.
I'm so lonely.
This town is so vacant.
I want her back in my bed.
To make hot love to her.
To show her I'm no longer afraid.
To show her I can take care of her.
To show her everything I never got to show her.
To love her.
To kiss her.
To tell her every secret to the worlds mysteries.
I'd bring the moon from the sky and put it on the end of the string for her to wear around her neck if I could.
It still wouldn't be quite as beautiful as she is.
It should shimmer and sparkle.
She would smile.
She would be happy.
I'd have made her happy.
Instead... death makes her smile.
What have I done to deserve this?
Even in the end.
My best friend wins.
Like he always did before.
In death, he still cheats me with a smile.
He was always so much better than I.
Why did I ever bother looking up to him?
I know that's something I could never be.
Something so great it would never be understood.
Mastermind.
I lived with it for so long.
People around me are just making me worse.
I threw up this morning...
I felt so guilty after eating only a small piece of toast.
No jam, no butter.
I felt like a fat fuck.
I felt so sick to my stomach.
Like someone had asked me to drink poison.
And in a sanity lapsed moment.
I did.
It had to come out of my body.
It had to be gone.
I tried for so long not for it to turn out this way.
But since everyone else is letting it go.
I might as well too.
I never was cool.
Maybe if I do what they do.
I'll find someone to love me again.
I'm so lonely.
This town is so vacant.
I want her back in my bed.
To make hot love to her.
To show her I'm no longer afraid.
To show her I can take care of her.
To show her everything I never got to show her.
To love her.
To kiss her.
To tell her every secret to the worlds mysteries.
I'd bring the moon from the sky and put it on the end of the string for her to wear around her neck if I could.
It still wouldn't be quite as beautiful as she is.
It should shimmer and sparkle.
She would smile.
She would be happy.
I'd have made her happy.
Instead... death makes her smile.
What have I done to deserve this?
Even in the end.
My best friend wins.
Like he always did before.
In death, he still cheats me with a smile.
He was always so much better than I.
Why did I ever bother looking up to him?
I know that's something I could never be.
Something so great it would never be understood.
Mastermind.