I've been savoring what i can't hold a blind belief in goodness that doesn't seem to show
It's been a long time since i've written in here, no one reads this which, in a way, is good cuz no one can know my thoughts but in another way isn't good cuz no one can help eventhough what i write in here doesn't need help but it does need understanding, and i guess i haven't found someone that understands.
Trust. now that's an important word, it means a lot. what if you can't trust anyone? wouldn't that be horrible? well no one can be trusted. at least i don't think so. Right now i'm feeling like no one can be trusted, at all. it feels like the ppl i trust are betraying me in a way, sort of like they are gaining up against me with ppl i don't trust. it's a weird feeling really thinking that everyone around you is against you. it's actually quite frightening. i have so many things to get out but i can't talk to anyone, at least not at the moment. a lot of those things i can't even express in words but other things i can't tell anyone cuz i don't trust anyone. i guess those thoughts are just a weird sign of paranoia.
I hate thinking about the past, as i've mentioned various times in my past entries. sometimes i feel like i can forgive and forget, like right now i want to forget everything and have everything go back to normal, but not really back to normal, just seem like everything is normal. i guess i'd like to live in my own little fantasy world, a place where everything is perfect, but i can't do that. i'm not like the ppl who can ignore everything around them and hide out in a perfect little world. i guess that's my problem. i think i have many problems that's my problem when really i guess my problems are insignificant. i'm actually quite frightened that i'll die without being able to fully trust someone. that i'll die with thoughts burdening me. i've tried a new outlook on life, once, it lasted about a week and a half. it was starting each day fresh and not letting the past affect the present. i really don't know how anyone can live like that. no one can erase the past so i decided that was impossible to do especially with me who doesn't forget anything, not because i don't want to but because i can't.
i don't know what to do, forgive and forget, or let it haunt me forever. doesn't that seem like an easy decision. most ppl would say forgive and forget but what if you got hurt badly and it wasn't that simple.
Lately i've been feeling guilty about everything. things that i could've stopped if i knew. i blame a lot of things on myself. i've found out a lot of things that i guess were out of my control but i still feel guilty about them cuz i feel like i could've changed the outcome. i want to start a new life, a life where i can't feel guilt cuz i don't do anything wrong or more like a life where i try my hardest to help everyone and not add to their problems. i think i might actually start that new life, i think i'll try to be the best person i can be, and to start it off i think i'll forgive the person who has hurt me. i know that no one can be perfect, but i don't want to be perfect, i just want to help ppl and try to do things i normally wouldn't do, things that help ppl, like stand up for someone or something, or more like do things that wouldn't cause me to go "what if i had done that? would things be different?" in other do things instead of do nothing. i guess that sums it up. i hope i can really fulfill what i want. but it'll be hard to forgive.
But I’ve been bleeding well
From this old wound
Cleaning it with salt,
So it will still feel new