one (plus one?)
So late last night I had the most fucked up dream. I dreamt that I was getting married to a complete stranger. I knew everyone in the wedding of course, they were my family, and they were thrilled to death as if it were some miraculous event. Like the ‘virgin birth’ and other such myths. At the last rehearsal, I grabbed my keys and drove off. I ran away. People cried and the cops were after me. Then I woke up.
I don’t know what triggered such absurdity, but last night I was pretty lonely, as I am right now. I don’t know if this contradicts everything I’ve previously said and felt about being solitary, independent and happy. I think it’s still possible. It’s just that sometimes there are these moments where I feel like the rest of my life will be lived this way, and I don’t know if I necessarily want that. Don’t get me wrong, this loneliness isn’t longing for the entrapment of being in an exclusive romantic relationship. That just seems to be another extreme, something that I always run away from. But what I’m talking about, are just those moments. Those fucking moments. Or not, haha. The moments where you feel like you’re too good for yourself alone and apparently you’re not really good enough for anyone else either. And when, as great as you are, you’re reduced to just being the generic female is someone’s life, just someone from the opposite sex that they get along with. Sometimes even that is okay.
I don’t know…I rarely connect with anyone, so when I do it feels kind of a landmark…”miraculous event.” I want to make it special, even though it probably really isn’t. It’s all in my fucking head. I hate these moments because it makes me feel weak, I know I’m much stronger than that. But maybe that’s because every one I’ve ever known up to this point has just been the generic male in my life. Up to this point, I had it pretty easy.
So what’s the alternative to the exclusive romantic relationship that I’m so afraid of, and that my friends and family, clamoring, say that I need? Friendship? Hatred? Fear? Nothing?...
I don’t know what triggered such absurdity, but last night I was pretty lonely, as I am right now. I don’t know if this contradicts everything I’ve previously said and felt about being solitary, independent and happy. I think it’s still possible. It’s just that sometimes there are these moments where I feel like the rest of my life will be lived this way, and I don’t know if I necessarily want that. Don’t get me wrong, this loneliness isn’t longing for the entrapment of being in an exclusive romantic relationship. That just seems to be another extreme, something that I always run away from. But what I’m talking about, are just those moments. Those fucking moments. Or not, haha. The moments where you feel like you’re too good for yourself alone and apparently you’re not really good enough for anyone else either. And when, as great as you are, you’re reduced to just being the generic female is someone’s life, just someone from the opposite sex that they get along with. Sometimes even that is okay.
I don’t know…I rarely connect with anyone, so when I do it feels kind of a landmark…”miraculous event.” I want to make it special, even though it probably really isn’t. It’s all in my fucking head. I hate these moments because it makes me feel weak, I know I’m much stronger than that. But maybe that’s because every one I’ve ever known up to this point has just been the generic male in my life. Up to this point, I had it pretty easy.
So what’s the alternative to the exclusive romantic relationship that I’m so afraid of, and that my friends and family, clamoring, say that I need? Friendship? Hatred? Fear? Nothing?...