so so so...
So, I guess I should update, yeah? Let's see...I'm working at Jiffy Lube, I sprained my knee on Monday and I'm now on crutches, Randy has asked me out twice I believe, and I always have a reason to say no...sad really. I don't know what it is. I mean, I liked him a lot before, but now, well...I don't even really know. I mean, sometimes, I just really really like him, and other times, well...he'll just annoy the crap out of me. Then I guess it scares me to get another boyfriend. I mean, I know I'm friends with all my exes after we date, so I'm not afraid of that, but I'm afraid for other reasons. Reasons that maybe only I'll understand. At the same time, he keeps asking me to kiss him, and I don't want to. I'm afraid that if we date, then he'll expect it from me. I just don't know if I can deal with that right now. He likes this other girl named Stacey now though, so hopefully something will work out with the both of them. Cuz right now, I just don't see anything happening.
What else can I tell you? I went home for my sister's/aj's bday. I miss AJ a lot. He's been like a really good friend of mine, practically a best friend. We used to talk every single day, until I came up there...then I got back here in utah, and we don't talk as much anymore. I don't know why that is. Kinda makes me sad really. Makes me wonder if I did something wrong...or if he just really doesn't like to talk on the phone, or what.
Awbrey...what to say about Awbs? We don't talk nearly as much as we used to. And if we do end up getting a hold of each other, then either I don't have time to talk, or I can't talk for very long, or I feel like I am just ignoring her or something. She's my bestest friend in the whole wide world...yet, I don't think I even know what's going on with her anymore. I'll read her LJ, and find out stuff I didn't know before...the sad part is, she's probably told me before, and I just didn't understand it the way she wrote it, OR, I just didn't know, and she'll end up telling me a week later, cuz honestly, that's how long it takes for us to get a hold of each other. I really miss hanging out with her 24/7. But I guess that's what going on with our lives does to us. I know that I want her to be my best friend forever. She might not consider me her best friend, but at least I can believe that forever forever forever she'll be my best friend. I really want her to be my bridesmaid and everything. If she didn't come to my wedding...oh I'd be so sad. I mean, yeah there are other people who I want at my wedding, like Jenny, Rachel, Michelle, Anna, my mormon boys, etc...just all the people I just hold really dearly to my heart, but if there was one person that could ruin my whole wedding day by not being there...it would be Awbs. She has to be, it's like a prerequisite to me getting married. Not that I am right now or anything, I can't even get enough gut to have a b/f, I just am saying, that's how important she is to me. Maybe me and her just need to have a heart to heart. I tell her I love her...she wont tell me that anymore. Maybe having some huge discussion about the way we feel and stuff, and what's been driving us absolutely nuts, instead of just what we did that day, would solve some problems. It always has some affect on people. But oh well...I just miss having her around. I don't think I could ever replace her, and I think people expect me to. It's almost like I'm not allowed to have friends from WA, if I'm in Utah. Ya know? Anywho...
Eric...he's my best friend here, right? Well, he wants to move to NJ in a couple months; like February or something. About 3 months ago I would have cared...now...I just don't even know. Like, if he left, I don't know if it would be as dramatic as when Awbs left me from utah, and I bawled my eyes out. Eric...well, it would just be like, okay bye, I'll talk to you in a bit, don't go screw up your life. He just never grows up...He made me grow up so much, maybe too fast even. But it was necessary for me I think. He just isn't moving on with his life...and I just don't know how to help him anymore. He says I'm not fun anymore. Maybe it's true. I think it's more of the fact that I got over him so I'm not as loving and caring as maybe I used to be. Like now he's just my best friend in utah...and that's it. He'll make fun of me, or say something I would usually laugh at, but now...now, I dunno. I guess I just don't anymore. Mainly because I'm sick of seeing him win at everything when I know that I'm right. But who knows.
What else should I tell you? OH YEAH...my dad is coming down here tonight. Gonna go to Gen Conf with David and I. I wanted to go home for general conference...but nope....not happening. Everyone in my family doesn't really believe I exist anymore. I guess that's what hurts the most. Last year I realized how important my family actually is to me...but now that my bro is back...well...it's all about him, and I don't really seem to matter. My sisters used to call me every day last year, but now they're grown up and moved on with their lives...I just don't need to be part of it. I sent them home Sons of Provo, cuz I really wanted to show them I was thinking about them...I heard from them the day they got it...that's about it. I don't even feel like I have a relationship with anyone in my family anymore. Not even my brother. I sprained my knee..and my dad was the only one who seemed to remotely care. Not even my brother who is here in utah with me, seemed to know that I was even on crutches.
Okay, I have to stop writing, i gotta go to class, and I've just started tearing up and getting that headache you get when you just wanna bawl.
I guess the last thing I wanna say, is that college is going well. I have awesome roomies, and have made a lot of really cool friends, who all really care about me, and they barely just met me. I really like that a lot. Anyway, going now. Jae