Betrayal
So, I've been at college and survived my first week of classes. I also met this guy named Randy. Well he's cool and all, but like today he got mad at me, because my friends like stressed him out. And I guess more than anything the thing that pisses me off is my friends going behind my back. It's like, dude, you're supposed to be my friends, yet you sit there and lie to my face, and pretend like everything is okay. So I'm not gonna use names and crap, but earlier Randy and a "friend" of mine were talking through texts right in front of me...and what is that supposed to remind me of? Yeah...Monica and Eric. Honestly, it's like Freshman year all over again, and I'm not ready for that again. It happened once, I don't need it again. I just don't. I have awesome roommates who actually listen or at least pretend to listen to all my stories. We all help out each other and have an awesome time. For instance, tonight I went and took them all out to ice cream cuz everyone was stressing, and then we went to this shindig, and then we did the chicken dance outside. Like honestly, how much more fun could you ask for?
And it's not like I'm trying to be paranoid or anything, but ya know...you're not supposed to let the same thing happen twice right? It's like that stupid saying like fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, or whatever the crap it is. Well, I was fooled before right? Like hundreds of times...why would I do that again? I just don't know what to do anymore. Everyone thinks I'm in love with people I'm not, and people who should be my friends arent, and...it's almost like I feel lost again. And I was just beginning to feel like people maybe geniunely cared about me...that maybe for once, people cared what I want, or how I felt. Maybe that's asking too much of people. Maybe no one ever feels like they aren't lost...
I trust like way too easily. I mean, I try to be careful, but then when I am, people get mad, and then when I'm not, I get hurt. And then when I try to care for the people that mean the most to me, they end up wanting to hate me, and not be around me, and trade everything in the world for me...
I hurt...
I mean, so much has happened to me, and I've let SO much of it just go...when am I gonna actually stop it when I see it coming? Whatever...
On a much happier note, Randy's not so pissed at me anymore- which is good. I wouldn't want him to be. He means a lot to me, and it would hurt to just have another person hate me....not that I'm not used to it or anything.
Now I'm just rambling. Okay, I'm done, I'm off to bed, and ready to wake up to the world which scares the crap out of me, and makes me more paranoid every minute. Jackie