Forgive Me, Father... *OTA; Easedroppers Welcome*
Everything had changed in Lubbock. Ethan said they were no longer keeping things quiet and he meant it. Not only did he introduce her to his family, he introduced her as his girlfriend. They didn't sneak. They didn't hide and it was incredible. Even on the plane back, they held hands, kissed in public, and did their best not to make a spectacle but it was obvious to everyone they came in contact with how excited they were about each other.
The anxiety didn't really come for her until they were in the truck driving back onto the base. The last few days felt like half a lifetime and over too fast at the same time. It was surreal in the lack of responsibility or repercussions. Reality came crashing back like cold water. Not only were they likely to catch grief for fraternization, they would be fueling the rumor mill like whoa and there were definitely people she wasn't looking forward to breaking the news. Namely Vance. She should have dropped hints to him before the weekend. They just had so much to catch up on that current events took a backseat. And if she was honest, she would admit that Vance coming back made her feel torn. So many of those old feelings, the ones she thought were resolved came rushing back as soon as she saw him. She still loved him. Five years didn't even dampen it and it confused the heck out of her. How in the world could she still love Vance even while she craved Ethan? How could she make love to the Captain and still dread telling her ex that she was taken?
It was simple. She was a bad person. A bad bad person that felt a good 2 inches shorter under the weight of her shame. She needed to be absolved but without a priest she would have to go straight to the source. Finding a quiet place away from the center of camp and prying ears or telepaths she found a dry patch of grass and stared up at the sky.
"Father? It's me. Sorry to bother you. I know you probably have a lot going on. I just... I need you so much right now." She paused to take a deep breath. Tears were escaping from the corners of her eyes already but she didn't bother brushing them away. There was nothing to hide from God. "I'm making such a mess of things. I thought I was doing the right thing when I left Vance but maybe it was selfish. I'm never going to be normal. The harder I tried to be normal the worse things got and now I'm right back where I started. Five years I could have been happy with Vance. We could have been married. We might even have a family now but I left and I'm still so angry at him for letting me go. How can that still hurt so much when I think I'm falling for Ethan? How can I want Ethan so much and miss the life I could have had with Vance? Help me. Father, please help me. Show me what I'm supposed to do and who I'm supposed to be with. Take this ache from inside me before I hurt one of them or both."
The anxiety didn't really come for her until they were in the truck driving back onto the base. The last few days felt like half a lifetime and over too fast at the same time. It was surreal in the lack of responsibility or repercussions. Reality came crashing back like cold water. Not only were they likely to catch grief for fraternization, they would be fueling the rumor mill like whoa and there were definitely people she wasn't looking forward to breaking the news. Namely Vance. She should have dropped hints to him before the weekend. They just had so much to catch up on that current events took a backseat. And if she was honest, she would admit that Vance coming back made her feel torn. So many of those old feelings, the ones she thought were resolved came rushing back as soon as she saw him. She still loved him. Five years didn't even dampen it and it confused the heck out of her. How in the world could she still love Vance even while she craved Ethan? How could she make love to the Captain and still dread telling her ex that she was taken?
It was simple. She was a bad person. A bad bad person that felt a good 2 inches shorter under the weight of her shame. She needed to be absolved but without a priest she would have to go straight to the source. Finding a quiet place away from the center of camp and prying ears or telepaths she found a dry patch of grass and stared up at the sky.
"Father? It's me. Sorry to bother you. I know you probably have a lot going on. I just... I need you so much right now." She paused to take a deep breath. Tears were escaping from the corners of her eyes already but she didn't bother brushing them away. There was nothing to hide from God. "I'm making such a mess of things. I thought I was doing the right thing when I left Vance but maybe it was selfish. I'm never going to be normal. The harder I tried to be normal the worse things got and now I'm right back where I started. Five years I could have been happy with Vance. We could have been married. We might even have a family now but I left and I'm still so angry at him for letting me go. How can that still hurt so much when I think I'm falling for Ethan? How can I want Ethan so much and miss the life I could have had with Vance? Help me. Father, please help me. Show me what I'm supposed to do and who I'm supposed to be with. Take this ache from inside me before I hurt one of them or both."