XWP: Heart Of Darkness
Since I last wrote, my academy was evacuated due to a gas leak and I stepped on, on school property, a dirty, rusty nail. Oh, life. You're so funny!
Ah well. I'm oddly in good spirits. I think the September/October depression that teachers get is behind me. At least for now. Thank the gods. And thank Xena because we're now nicely into the sixth season and this show is about to get seriously queer in the best possible way. Seriously, most of the episodes that I'll be reviewing from here on out are intensely gay. Like, so gay that I didn't even know gay existed until watching these episodes. So let's get started, okay?
1) Back in Amphipolis, the portal to Hell is still open, after Xena vanquished Mephistopheles in the last episode. She refuses to take his place, even though she understood what the expected consequences were to be if she killed him.
Still, she's going to have some naysayers. Heavenly naysayers, even, because archangels Michael and Raphael know that someone needs to be down in Hell, if only to close that damn portal. They get some help by another archangel who is determined to make his way up the ranks to seraphim. He agrees to go to Earth to throw Xena into the pit to be the new ruler of Hell, which will close the portal and prevent the people on Earth from soiling their souls too prematurely to evil.
2) He gets down to Earth and Xena, a little extra pissy, fights him. She can kill gods, remember, which means she can also kill angels. And she very nearly kills him but, first, a couple things happen before she can: We find out this cocky archangel she is fighting is named Lucifer (ah shit!) and that Eve is so annoying because she pleads with Xena to not kill him because he's an angel and Eli doesn't like violence and blah blah blah. Whatever.
But it's pretty much okay because, ever since Mephistopheles was killed and since she's been hanging around the portal to Hell, Xena's been a little . . . well, evil's not the right word, exactly, but she's definitely getting better acquainted with her dark side. She and Lucifer become fast friends.
3) Well, maybe "friends" isn't the right word, either. From either side. Each is looking to manipulate the other into serving their agenda. Xena's agenda is to not go to Hell and Lucifer's agenda is to send Xena there. As far as Xena is concerned, Lucifer is exactly who and what she needs to avoid her eternal sentence. All she has to do is send him down to Hell instead.
And what better way to do that than with a seduction?
4) But she needs to work fast because the darkness that is infesting her heart (Eve literally see's Xena's heart turning black) is also infesting the entire town. I mean, I guess that's to be expected when the portal to Hell is in the courtyard of your favorite local tavern. It's like Buffy . . . only more hardcore, because the Hellmouth never stayed open this long back in Sunnydale. (It remains to be seen if the same could be said of the Hellmouth in Cleveland.)
5) Just when the townspeople start to turn on each other (all because Eve's trying to fucking preach to them about Eli and his peaceable message), Virgil comes back to town.
Oh god. I'm honestly not sure that I dislike a character more than I dislike Virgil. And I'm not even sure it's based on rational reasons for disliking him so much, but I just don't like him. He's a goober and I think it's creepy that the producers and writers tried to give him some kind of sexual tension with Gabrielle, the woman his father was totally in love with. Gross.
But I really can't stand him after this episode because he comes waltzing into town with his weirdo leather tassles, looking for weapons and looking to fight. And when he sees Gabrielle he calls her "tasty". That's so gross.
6) So, not only is the portal letting out darkness into the town, infecting the hearts of those who live there, it is also working as a magnet, attracting people to it.
7) I may not like Virgil but I pretty much love Lucifer. Especially because he says, flat out, that Xena has a "blond girlfrield". Homeboy knows what he's talking about.
8) Xena, in her seduction mode, suggests to Lucifer that the two of them join together so they can rule both Hell and Earth.
This Lucifer isn't the greatest example of an archangel, is he? I mean, he's resisting Xena well enough, which has to be hard when she's giving you a massage on a bed wearing a red robe (Xena really does, as Lucifer suggests, look good in red). And he's still obviously trying to lull her into giving herself up. His mission is still in mind. But . . . I don't know. I don't think will end well for him.
9) Eve is committed to convert the people of Amphipolis to the way of Eli.
God, she'd be annoying to have around. It'd always be "Eli [this]" and "Eli [that]" and I'd really just want to smack her and tell her to take her Eli and shove it.
But she finds herself in a nearby temple where she's praying when, suddenly, an orgy starts.
No, seriously. She finds herself in the middle of an orgy.
And, not only that, the orgy is being lead by Xena, who is dressed in a skimpy leather number with a mask on, being carried into the room on a dearth of pillows and luxury, people chanting her name. Dude.
10) On top of that, Gabrielle's walking in right next to her, still looking rather innocent, but wearing this strange patent leather black bra and patent leather black and silver skirt. Bizarre. (I'm not partial to her hair here. I like the short hair, generally, but it's really not working with this ensemble.)
But Gabrielle only appears innocent in her outfit of ridiculata. When Eve protests the orgy and points towards the darkness expanding in all of their hearts, Gabrielle knocks her out with an Eli fish. So. Awesome. The best kind of blasphemy!
11) Ugh, but Virgil is still at the orgy and he and Gabrielle are getting a little too familiar with each other although, please observe that the two of them, while lightly touching each other, never kiss. Thankfully so, because I don't like to wretch while watching Xena.
12) Oh, and then there's the dance. Yes, ladies and gentleman, the dance. Easily one of the gayest things this show ever produced, and that's actually saying a lot.
Xena takes a break from seducing Lucifer and walks into the middle of the room, reaching her arm out. Gabrielle, in the middle of doing . . . whatever . . . with Virgil, immediately comes to attention and joins Xena and the two . . . I don't even know what it is that they do. It's technically dancing, but it's mostly just touching and groping.
Seriously, this is easily the gayest show of all time. Anyone who watches that dance (or this episode or this season) and thinks these two are "just friends" . . . crazy. That's all I can say.
13) Ew, but the moment is ruined when Virgil shows up and takes Gabrielle away. God, he's such a cunt blocker. (OMG. I can't believe I just wrote that.)
14) Also? This episode is one big FHM spread.
15) Xena's seduction of Lucifer appears to work. He's obviously tempted by Earth pleasures, denied to him as an agent of god in Heaven, and Xena actually gets him to feel several emotions that count as sins, including envy and pride. And, I mean, who can blame him really? A woman in leather underwear is rubbing against him, giving him massages, and she just danced with her incredibly cute "blond girlfriend". A man, even if he is an angel, can only take so much.
16) Michael and Raphael appear, ready to fight. They take Xena and teleport to the pit. They're ready to cast her in and Lucifer, apparently still clinging to his last shred of divinity, fights with them against Xena.
Still, Xena isn't an idiot. She knows Lucifer is seriously ripe for the picking and plays to him, manipulating his emotions for her own gain, to turn him towards her and away from his former angel allies. Why should he, an an angel, be denied pleasure? Why does god reserve it for his most lowly creature?
It's enough to turn Lucifer from god and he helps Xena away from the pit and they turn on Michael and Raphael who promptly get the hell out of Dodge.
17) But Xena seems to be losing sight of the big picture. Gabrielle asks why Xena didn't throw Lucifer down into the pit after he saved her, but she doesn't have the greatest answer. He "wasn't ready", which actually makes more sense later in the episode.
But Xena's darkness is growing stronger and Eve's really distracting her with her Eli and goodness crap, so Xena decides that she needs to die.
18) She and Lucifer chase Eve through the forest and Eve finds herself in another temple (sans orgy).
Eve's relief is cut short, though, as she finds Virgil there waiting for her. And then she finds Gabrielle, who is back in her regular red velvet (wtf?) and is looking sympathetic as Eve lets her know that she has to send Xena to Hell or the Earth will suffer. It's the greater good, if you will, which Gabrielle can usually get behind.
19) Gabrielle's still kind of evil, though, she she and Virgil apprehend Eve for Xena, but Eve used to be Livia and, apparently, that makes her a way better fighter than Gabrielle (I hate that everyone and their can still, even in the sixth season, beat Gabrielle).
Eve and Lucifer sword play and Lucifer, since he's an archangel, disarms her and goes in for the kill but, at the last second, he's stopped by Xena.
He's not stopped by Xena to save Eve. He's stopped by Xena because she thinks Gabrielle deserves the opportunity to finish Eve herself. I mean, as she tells Lucifer, Gabrielle's been her partner for years, the two have experienced things together no one else could understand, and that says something. Why should she, Xena asks, trust someone so quick to switch sides?
20) Yes, it was all a ruse. Well, kind of. The plan to sully Lucifer was definitely part of the plan, and it succeeded. Because in the time that Lucifer was on Earth, he's committed all of the seven deadly sins. And that, in an angel, is pretty unforgivable. Humans sin everyday, Lucifer points out, but they're humans. That's what they're supposed to do. It's what they're supposed to do. It's the expectation and people rarely do better than what is expected of them.
But an angel? So pure a create, so high up on the heavenly food chain . . . For Lucifer to commit so many sins, being an angel, reveals the monster that he truly is.
21) So the two of them fight (after Lucifer transforms into a demon) and Xena successfully throws him into Hell.
The portal closes and all is well. Well, mostly.
I wonder . . . Xena knowingly corrupted an archangel, sentencing him to an eternity in Hell. Is that really noble? Heroic? Fair play?
22) Back to normal with regular, non-dark hearts, Gabrielle and Virgil are giving each other looks. I don't know what these looks are supposed to mean, but Virgil does say something about not making a terrible mistake, so maybe that means sleeping with Gabrielle, which would have been a terribly rotten horrible mistake.
Still, the looks that Xena gives them as they side-glance at each other speaks volumes about their relationship. (This coupled with Gabrielle throwing a rock at Xena's head earlier in the episode after she was making out with Lucifer after he saved her from Michael and Raphael).
Let's just give it up: These two are a couple. Why else would Xena think of Gabrielle when she felt herself getting out of control with Lucifer? Why else would the two be attracted to each other like magnets when their inhibitions are gone at the orgy?
We get it, ladies. You're a couple. You're having sex. You're probably having lots of it. Good for you!
Heart of Darkness is a strange episode. I like the dark humor and I like the gay but I'm not sure it completely works. Xena is pretty harsh to corrupt Lucifer so completely, sentencing him to a lifetime in Hell, but I'm also not sure I like what the ultimate message of the episode might be: Sex is dark and bad. Still, I was entertained so I'll give Heart of Darkness 3.5 out of 5 airlocks.
Ah well. I'm oddly in good spirits. I think the September/October depression that teachers get is behind me. At least for now. Thank the gods. And thank Xena because we're now nicely into the sixth season and this show is about to get seriously queer in the best possible way. Seriously, most of the episodes that I'll be reviewing from here on out are intensely gay. Like, so gay that I didn't even know gay existed until watching these episodes. So let's get started, okay?
1) Back in Amphipolis, the portal to Hell is still open, after Xena vanquished Mephistopheles in the last episode. She refuses to take his place, even though she understood what the expected consequences were to be if she killed him.
Still, she's going to have some naysayers. Heavenly naysayers, even, because archangels Michael and Raphael know that someone needs to be down in Hell, if only to close that damn portal. They get some help by another archangel who is determined to make his way up the ranks to seraphim. He agrees to go to Earth to throw Xena into the pit to be the new ruler of Hell, which will close the portal and prevent the people on Earth from soiling their souls too prematurely to evil.
2) He gets down to Earth and Xena, a little extra pissy, fights him. She can kill gods, remember, which means she can also kill angels. And she very nearly kills him but, first, a couple things happen before she can: We find out this cocky archangel she is fighting is named Lucifer (ah shit!) and that Eve is so annoying because she pleads with Xena to not kill him because he's an angel and Eli doesn't like violence and blah blah blah. Whatever.
But it's pretty much okay because, ever since Mephistopheles was killed and since she's been hanging around the portal to Hell, Xena's been a little . . . well, evil's not the right word, exactly, but she's definitely getting better acquainted with her dark side. She and Lucifer become fast friends.
3) Well, maybe "friends" isn't the right word, either. From either side. Each is looking to manipulate the other into serving their agenda. Xena's agenda is to not go to Hell and Lucifer's agenda is to send Xena there. As far as Xena is concerned, Lucifer is exactly who and what she needs to avoid her eternal sentence. All she has to do is send him down to Hell instead.
And what better way to do that than with a seduction?
4) But she needs to work fast because the darkness that is infesting her heart (Eve literally see's Xena's heart turning black) is also infesting the entire town. I mean, I guess that's to be expected when the portal to Hell is in the courtyard of your favorite local tavern. It's like Buffy . . . only more hardcore, because the Hellmouth never stayed open this long back in Sunnydale. (It remains to be seen if the same could be said of the Hellmouth in Cleveland.)
5) Just when the townspeople start to turn on each other (all because Eve's trying to fucking preach to them about Eli and his peaceable message), Virgil comes back to town.
Oh god. I'm honestly not sure that I dislike a character more than I dislike Virgil. And I'm not even sure it's based on rational reasons for disliking him so much, but I just don't like him. He's a goober and I think it's creepy that the producers and writers tried to give him some kind of sexual tension with Gabrielle, the woman his father was totally in love with. Gross.
But I really can't stand him after this episode because he comes waltzing into town with his weirdo leather tassles, looking for weapons and looking to fight. And when he sees Gabrielle he calls her "tasty". That's so gross.
6) So, not only is the portal letting out darkness into the town, infecting the hearts of those who live there, it is also working as a magnet, attracting people to it.
7) I may not like Virgil but I pretty much love Lucifer. Especially because he says, flat out, that Xena has a "blond girlfrield". Homeboy knows what he's talking about.
8) Xena, in her seduction mode, suggests to Lucifer that the two of them join together so they can rule both Hell and Earth.
This Lucifer isn't the greatest example of an archangel, is he? I mean, he's resisting Xena well enough, which has to be hard when she's giving you a massage on a bed wearing a red robe (Xena really does, as Lucifer suggests, look good in red). And he's still obviously trying to lull her into giving herself up. His mission is still in mind. But . . . I don't know. I don't think will end well for him.
9) Eve is committed to convert the people of Amphipolis to the way of Eli.
God, she'd be annoying to have around. It'd always be "Eli [this]" and "Eli [that]" and I'd really just want to smack her and tell her to take her Eli and shove it.
But she finds herself in a nearby temple where she's praying when, suddenly, an orgy starts.
No, seriously. She finds herself in the middle of an orgy.
And, not only that, the orgy is being lead by Xena, who is dressed in a skimpy leather number with a mask on, being carried into the room on a dearth of pillows and luxury, people chanting her name. Dude.
10) On top of that, Gabrielle's walking in right next to her, still looking rather innocent, but wearing this strange patent leather black bra and patent leather black and silver skirt. Bizarre. (I'm not partial to her hair here. I like the short hair, generally, but it's really not working with this ensemble.)
But Gabrielle only appears innocent in her outfit of ridiculata. When Eve protests the orgy and points towards the darkness expanding in all of their hearts, Gabrielle knocks her out with an Eli fish. So. Awesome. The best kind of blasphemy!
11) Ugh, but Virgil is still at the orgy and he and Gabrielle are getting a little too familiar with each other although, please observe that the two of them, while lightly touching each other, never kiss. Thankfully so, because I don't like to wretch while watching Xena.
12) Oh, and then there's the dance. Yes, ladies and gentleman, the dance. Easily one of the gayest things this show ever produced, and that's actually saying a lot.
Xena takes a break from seducing Lucifer and walks into the middle of the room, reaching her arm out. Gabrielle, in the middle of doing . . . whatever . . . with Virgil, immediately comes to attention and joins Xena and the two . . . I don't even know what it is that they do. It's technically dancing, but it's mostly just touching and groping.
Seriously, this is easily the gayest show of all time. Anyone who watches that dance (or this episode or this season) and thinks these two are "just friends" . . . crazy. That's all I can say.
13) Ew, but the moment is ruined when Virgil shows up and takes Gabrielle away. God, he's such a cunt blocker. (OMG. I can't believe I just wrote that.)
14) Also? This episode is one big FHM spread.
15) Xena's seduction of Lucifer appears to work. He's obviously tempted by Earth pleasures, denied to him as an agent of god in Heaven, and Xena actually gets him to feel several emotions that count as sins, including envy and pride. And, I mean, who can blame him really? A woman in leather underwear is rubbing against him, giving him massages, and she just danced with her incredibly cute "blond girlfriend". A man, even if he is an angel, can only take so much.
16) Michael and Raphael appear, ready to fight. They take Xena and teleport to the pit. They're ready to cast her in and Lucifer, apparently still clinging to his last shred of divinity, fights with them against Xena.
Still, Xena isn't an idiot. She knows Lucifer is seriously ripe for the picking and plays to him, manipulating his emotions for her own gain, to turn him towards her and away from his former angel allies. Why should he, an an angel, be denied pleasure? Why does god reserve it for his most lowly creature?
It's enough to turn Lucifer from god and he helps Xena away from the pit and they turn on Michael and Raphael who promptly get the hell out of Dodge.
17) But Xena seems to be losing sight of the big picture. Gabrielle asks why Xena didn't throw Lucifer down into the pit after he saved her, but she doesn't have the greatest answer. He "wasn't ready", which actually makes more sense later in the episode.
But Xena's darkness is growing stronger and Eve's really distracting her with her Eli and goodness crap, so Xena decides that she needs to die.
18) She and Lucifer chase Eve through the forest and Eve finds herself in another temple (sans orgy).
Eve's relief is cut short, though, as she finds Virgil there waiting for her. And then she finds Gabrielle, who is back in her regular red velvet (wtf?) and is looking sympathetic as Eve lets her know that she has to send Xena to Hell or the Earth will suffer. It's the greater good, if you will, which Gabrielle can usually get behind.
19) Gabrielle's still kind of evil, though, she she and Virgil apprehend Eve for Xena, but Eve used to be Livia and, apparently, that makes her a way better fighter than Gabrielle (I hate that everyone and their can still, even in the sixth season, beat Gabrielle).
Eve and Lucifer sword play and Lucifer, since he's an archangel, disarms her and goes in for the kill but, at the last second, he's stopped by Xena.
He's not stopped by Xena to save Eve. He's stopped by Xena because she thinks Gabrielle deserves the opportunity to finish Eve herself. I mean, as she tells Lucifer, Gabrielle's been her partner for years, the two have experienced things together no one else could understand, and that says something. Why should she, Xena asks, trust someone so quick to switch sides?
20) Yes, it was all a ruse. Well, kind of. The plan to sully Lucifer was definitely part of the plan, and it succeeded. Because in the time that Lucifer was on Earth, he's committed all of the seven deadly sins. And that, in an angel, is pretty unforgivable. Humans sin everyday, Lucifer points out, but they're humans. That's what they're supposed to do. It's what they're supposed to do. It's the expectation and people rarely do better than what is expected of them.
But an angel? So pure a create, so high up on the heavenly food chain . . . For Lucifer to commit so many sins, being an angel, reveals the monster that he truly is.
21) So the two of them fight (after Lucifer transforms into a demon) and Xena successfully throws him into Hell.
The portal closes and all is well. Well, mostly.
I wonder . . . Xena knowingly corrupted an archangel, sentencing him to an eternity in Hell. Is that really noble? Heroic? Fair play?
22) Back to normal with regular, non-dark hearts, Gabrielle and Virgil are giving each other looks. I don't know what these looks are supposed to mean, but Virgil does say something about not making a terrible mistake, so maybe that means sleeping with Gabrielle, which would have been a terribly rotten horrible mistake.
Still, the looks that Xena gives them as they side-glance at each other speaks volumes about their relationship. (This coupled with Gabrielle throwing a rock at Xena's head earlier in the episode after she was making out with Lucifer after he saved her from Michael and Raphael).
Let's just give it up: These two are a couple. Why else would Xena think of Gabrielle when she felt herself getting out of control with Lucifer? Why else would the two be attracted to each other like magnets when their inhibitions are gone at the orgy?
We get it, ladies. You're a couple. You're having sex. You're probably having lots of it. Good for you!
Heart of Darkness is a strange episode. I like the dark humor and I like the gay but I'm not sure it completely works. Xena is pretty harsh to corrupt Lucifer so completely, sentencing him to a lifetime in Hell, but I'm also not sure I like what the ultimate message of the episode might be: Sex is dark and bad. Still, I was entertained so I'll give Heart of Darkness 3.5 out of 5 airlocks.