XWP: Amphipolis Under Siege
Cable and Internet is currently out so I'm hoping that, when it comes back, something screwy won't happen and delete all of what I'm going to write. Now I'm super paranoid about that kind of thing. Copy and Paste, you are my friend.
It's been a while since I wrote my review for God-Fearing Child and that's because I went on a trip to North Carolina this past weekend. Drove down (all twelve hours) on Saturday and drove back (all twelve hours) yesterday. My legs hate me and so does my back. And they'll hate me again when I make the drive (all twelve hours) this coming Saturday. Don't worry. I'll explain what the driving is all about in a future post.
But that's why I haven't gotten to this until now. We'll see how it goes! I haven't watched this episode since . . . I can't remember when I watched it. Sometime last week. Maybe last Thursday or Friday? But a lot of stuff happened the past five days so . . . I might have trouble making sense of my notes. Wish me luck!
1) Amphipolis Under Siege begins with a bunch of buxom ladies with bows and arrows. This is not an untypical way for Xena to begin, really, though the sleek silver outfits they're wearing might be more hardcore than we're used to.
They're harassing some dudes looking over a road path. Well, to be fair, the dudes are assholes and, if I'm remembering correctly, they're trying to leverage their "power" over the road for money and/or sex. So when the women whip out their bows, it's kind of a welcome sight, I have to admit.
2) The men are saved by Xena, who launches out of the bushes with her sword drawn and her old outfit on.
Yay! The old outfit is back! I really didn't mind the maternity pantsuit, really. I kind of like Xena with pants on (I never thought I would say that), but it's nice to see her back to her old self. And how quickly did Lucy lose that pregnancy weight? Damn, woman.
3) Oh, but she kind of ruins the moment for me because she's wearing a headband. I think we know how I feel about Xena (and Gabrielle, for that matter) wearing a headband. Just say "no" to headbands!
4) It turns out that this scuffle is happening on the road that leads the way to Amphipolis, Xena's hometown. She and Gabrielle are on their way there to show Eve to Cyrene.
The buxom ladies run away, but not before letting Xena know that they're on their way to do some damage with Amphipolis, though it's not clear what they're going to do and who they're doing it for.
5) Ares conveniently pops up to answer the lingering question: The buxom ladies are members of Athena's army. Athena is on a serious mission to kill Xena and Eve to prevent the Twlight. She's even more invested in killing Eve since the death of Zeus and Hera. It would seem that Athena is kind of the new leader of Olympus.
She must be an older sister.
But Ares lets Xena know that he's willing to protect her and Eve if Xena strikes up a deal with him (a deal I think first emerged in the preceding episode Eternal Bonds, which I didn't really see the point of reviewing). Ares doesn't want the Twilight to happen, either, but he's semi-resigned to the inevitability of it happening. Or at least wants to cover all of his bases. If the Twilight can't be prevented, he can at least set himself up for what might happen to him and he wants to leave behind a legacy and a line. If Xena gives him an heir, he'll protect her.
My main thought on this is that I can't believe Ares doesn't have a multitude of heirs already. I guess he practices safe sex.
6) Oh, and speaking of Athena . . . So gay! And overtly so! Caressing the face of Elanis (the actress who also played Velasca) and gazing at her adoringly. This is further proof that Xena is the gayest show of all time. Including Rizzoli & Isles and The L Word.
7) Athena's pretty cool, though. I really like her and the way the actress plays her. She's very likable, even as she's trying to kill Xena's baby.
As it turns out, interestingly enough, the people of Amphipolis are loyal to her. I suppose she's their patron goddess. So she believes that they'll give up Eve to her if she puts enough pressure on them. That way she gets what she wants without having to have any blood shed. She doesn't want to kill for the sake of killing. She's the goddess of war but, unlike Ares, she's obviously not enamored with the violence and destruction of it. If Ares is representative of what must be the kind of animal instinct of war, Athena is the thoughtful ideal behind it.
8) Unfortunately for Athena, her hopes of the people of Amphipolis staying loyal to her are dashed. They decide to stand against Athena and her army to protect Eve.
Frankly, I don't understand why Athena can't just pup in and take Eve and then pop out to kill her. She's a goddess. Can't goddesses do that? It feels like a huge plot hole to me.
9) So there's a battle. And Gabrielle is finally given something to do. She seems to be in charge of the contingent Amphipolis has to fight against Athena and her army. And I love when Gabrielle kicks some major ass. It's also nice that Xena trusts her enough to get the job done. Because while Gabrielle is leading the charge, Xena's down in the tunnels under the village. I can't actually remember what she's going down there, but I think the original plan was to flank Athena's army from the back (can you flank from the back?).
But . . . Athena is a goddess, as we've already established. And even though she can't use her powers to pluck Eve out of the air, she can use them to psychically find out about the tunnels. So while Xena's under there going about her business, she's met by Elanis and the buxom ladies. And they have Greek Fire. Oh no! They manage to get out just in time.
10) Back on the surface, the battle still rages on. Gabrielle finds herself a sword. Ever notice how Gabrielle, when she has a sword, never stabs? She totally hacks. The fight scenes have never been particularly realistic on Xena (there's never blood or wounds or holes) and I'm glad for that in Gabrielle's case because it'd be a bloody mess to see.
11) The battle lulls and Xena reemerges from the tunnels and she's back to feeling that old guilt again. As far as she's concerned, Athena is ransoming Amphipolis for Eve so all of the drops of blood that occur are on Xena's head.
Oh, Xena. Not everything is about you. I mean, this actually kind of is, but still.
12) Again, I really like Athena. She has a good heart and good intentions, even if what she's doing seems rather despicable.
She shows up in the makeshift hospital, appearing to Xena alone. They have a semi-conversation. She tells Xena, "The people need their gods, Xena. They need something to believe in."
I don't think she's that far off. I don't think it's surprising that so many culture around the world have creation myths and that so many developed religion on their own without outside influence. That's what humans do. They create something to believe in. What do we really have when that something is taken away? (I mean, I'm an atheist, so I feel weird posing that question.)
13) Where is Eve during all of this? She's with Cyrene, of course. The middle aged grandma who totally can't defend her against Athena or an army.
Seriously, why doesn't Athena just pop in and take her? It'd save everyone so much trouble!
14) Xena goes to see Ares. She's running out of options.
In the best exchange of the episode (and maybe of the series because it made me laugh pretty hard), Ares tells her, "You're fighting the goddess of wisdom and war." Xena responds with a slightly ironic and irreverent, "Don't forget weaving."
That just tickles me.
But Xena has other things on her mind than making me laugh. She wants to bring up the deal Ares was trying to strike earlier. She tells him that she'll join with him and give him his heir. It can be Eve or another child of their own. But she needs his help to protect her daughter.
Surprisingly, Ares rejects the offer. It's funny. He offered it in the first place but you get the impression he was never prepared to actually go through with it, mostly because he doesn't trust Xena as far as he can throw her. He knows that she doesn't want him and, when he rejects her offer in this scene, points out that she has a history of duping him by making him think he's getting what he wants when he so totally isn't.
I like that Ares is self aware enough and actually knows Xena well enough to know that this sudden interest in his offer is strange.
15) The men of Amphipolis are getting restless. One mentions Eli and his god. What I don't understand is why there are only two options. Why is it is the Olympians or Eli? Why can't there be more choice?
But one of the guys isn't sure they should continue fighting. Athena's always protected them in the past and if she wants Eve dead there must be a good reason as to why and who are they to question the gods? Maybe they should give Eve up.
Gabrielle, who must have been working on her stealth hearing from Xena, suddenly appears and she is totally pissed. As she tells the man and everyone else within hearing distance, "We're not fighting for Xena. We're fighting for ourselves." Gabrielle is a little delusional in this scene. She equates Eve to the other village children, asking if the villagers would give her up if they thought another child might be next.
But Eve isn't just another village child. She's Xena's daughter, brought into the world in a divine intervention, and she's fated to bring about the end of the Olympian reign. That's not, like, little Maria down the street who likes playing with her dolls and is going to grow up to be a farmer's wife.
16) When she's done with her rant, Gabrielle calls on Ares. She warns him away from Xena. She knows that Xena offered to give Ares what he had been asking for in exchange for Eve's protection, but she wants Ares to stay away from Xena lest her tempt her back to her old life.
Gabrielle's pleading convinces Ares that Xena's offer was genuine.
17) When Ares gets back to his temple (strange that a village that worships Athena would also have a temple to Ares) and there he finds a very lovely sight: Naked Seductive!Xena.
As they say on Tumblr, "Me gusta."
They're ready to seal the deal. "Seal the deal" in this case means "hot sex". And boy do they get down to it. There's nakedness and kissing and nipple biting . . . It's very not gay, really, since Ares is a dude. And this is disappointing. But they're stopped before anything can be truly consummated. A bomb explodes right outside the temple, blowing a hole in the side.
Since the battle is now raging in earnest, Xena decides that she has to go help Gabrielle against Athena.
18) She comes at just the right time. Before Elanis can kill Gabrielle (and, again, I wish that Gabrielle would win more fights at this point in her development), Xena emerges with the baby in her arms.
As soon as Athena sees her, she orders the fighting to stop. Xena agrees to turn Eve over to her in exchange for the removal of the army. Apparently, she can no longer be responsible for the destruction of her home village and the people in it.
It's quite an about face isn't it?
Athena is about to kill Eve, as she lays on the ground asleep, when Ares steps in. Even though Xena and he didn't officially "seal the deal", she convinced him of her intentions, and he honors his part of the deal. He can't let Athena hurt that baby. So the two of them fight. Meanwhile, Gabrielle orders an attack.
As it turns out, the whole thing was a bit of a ruse. Xena knew that Ares would step in so she and Gabrielle had hidden fighters that would be able to attack as Athena's army withdrew.
19) During the fighting, Xena and Elanis go at it. It's fitting since each are the "favorites" of the two gods of war. Xena's a total badass, though, so she obviously wins, managing to get her sword into Elanis, killing her.
It's a strange moment. It's kind of tender because Elanis was Athena's lover (and it's funny to write something like and have it be actually true based on real evidence that's not subtextual) and Athena obviously doesn't want to lose her (what's that Eli says about gods not knowing how to love because they don't know how to lose?). But it's also strange because Athena, after Elanis' death, retreats completely. She and her army leave.
Just like that. After all of that.
What's that about? (Had Gabrielle been in Elanis' place, I don't think Xena would have retreated. I think she would have gone batshit crazy and killed a bunch of shit.)
20) Ares insists that he and Xena retire to get it on, but Xena declines the offer. It was great that Ares stood up for her and fought for Eve, but he didn't technically save his life. Because that baby Xena walked out with? Was a doll.
Oops.
Yes, as it turns out, the whole thing was a ruse. Xena needed to figure out a way to get Ares to distract Athena on her behalf without actually having to go through with the deal. Gabrielle was the one who started the battle by blowing up the temple in the first place.
Oh, those two. So smart.
21) The episode ends with Xena admitting that she "felt" something when she was with Ares. We'll just assume she meant his giant god-like erection and not any kind of romantic feelings.
So that was Amphipolis Under Siege. A weird episode. I love, love, love, Athena, so that really elevates it for me. But I don't get the plot holes: Why Athena can't just use her powers to get Eve or why Athena leaves so quickly after Elanis' death, or why Xena left Eve unprotected with Cyrene. Plus, the ending is super abrupt. This is a common problem with season five episodes: Good idea and story and faulty execution. It's too bad. Still, I'll go ahead and give Amphipolis Under Siege 3.5 out of 5 airlocks.
It's been a while since I wrote my review for God-Fearing Child and that's because I went on a trip to North Carolina this past weekend. Drove down (all twelve hours) on Saturday and drove back (all twelve hours) yesterday. My legs hate me and so does my back. And they'll hate me again when I make the drive (all twelve hours) this coming Saturday. Don't worry. I'll explain what the driving is all about in a future post.
But that's why I haven't gotten to this until now. We'll see how it goes! I haven't watched this episode since . . . I can't remember when I watched it. Sometime last week. Maybe last Thursday or Friday? But a lot of stuff happened the past five days so . . . I might have trouble making sense of my notes. Wish me luck!
1) Amphipolis Under Siege begins with a bunch of buxom ladies with bows and arrows. This is not an untypical way for Xena to begin, really, though the sleek silver outfits they're wearing might be more hardcore than we're used to.
They're harassing some dudes looking over a road path. Well, to be fair, the dudes are assholes and, if I'm remembering correctly, they're trying to leverage their "power" over the road for money and/or sex. So when the women whip out their bows, it's kind of a welcome sight, I have to admit.
2) The men are saved by Xena, who launches out of the bushes with her sword drawn and her old outfit on.
Yay! The old outfit is back! I really didn't mind the maternity pantsuit, really. I kind of like Xena with pants on (I never thought I would say that), but it's nice to see her back to her old self. And how quickly did Lucy lose that pregnancy weight? Damn, woman.
3) Oh, but she kind of ruins the moment for me because she's wearing a headband. I think we know how I feel about Xena (and Gabrielle, for that matter) wearing a headband. Just say "no" to headbands!
4) It turns out that this scuffle is happening on the road that leads the way to Amphipolis, Xena's hometown. She and Gabrielle are on their way there to show Eve to Cyrene.
The buxom ladies run away, but not before letting Xena know that they're on their way to do some damage with Amphipolis, though it's not clear what they're going to do and who they're doing it for.
5) Ares conveniently pops up to answer the lingering question: The buxom ladies are members of Athena's army. Athena is on a serious mission to kill Xena and Eve to prevent the Twlight. She's even more invested in killing Eve since the death of Zeus and Hera. It would seem that Athena is kind of the new leader of Olympus.
She must be an older sister.
But Ares lets Xena know that he's willing to protect her and Eve if Xena strikes up a deal with him (a deal I think first emerged in the preceding episode Eternal Bonds, which I didn't really see the point of reviewing). Ares doesn't want the Twilight to happen, either, but he's semi-resigned to the inevitability of it happening. Or at least wants to cover all of his bases. If the Twilight can't be prevented, he can at least set himself up for what might happen to him and he wants to leave behind a legacy and a line. If Xena gives him an heir, he'll protect her.
My main thought on this is that I can't believe Ares doesn't have a multitude of heirs already. I guess he practices safe sex.
6) Oh, and speaking of Athena . . . So gay! And overtly so! Caressing the face of Elanis (the actress who also played Velasca) and gazing at her adoringly. This is further proof that Xena is the gayest show of all time. Including Rizzoli & Isles and The L Word.
7) Athena's pretty cool, though. I really like her and the way the actress plays her. She's very likable, even as she's trying to kill Xena's baby.
As it turns out, interestingly enough, the people of Amphipolis are loyal to her. I suppose she's their patron goddess. So she believes that they'll give up Eve to her if she puts enough pressure on them. That way she gets what she wants without having to have any blood shed. She doesn't want to kill for the sake of killing. She's the goddess of war but, unlike Ares, she's obviously not enamored with the violence and destruction of it. If Ares is representative of what must be the kind of animal instinct of war, Athena is the thoughtful ideal behind it.
8) Unfortunately for Athena, her hopes of the people of Amphipolis staying loyal to her are dashed. They decide to stand against Athena and her army to protect Eve.
Frankly, I don't understand why Athena can't just pup in and take Eve and then pop out to kill her. She's a goddess. Can't goddesses do that? It feels like a huge plot hole to me.
9) So there's a battle. And Gabrielle is finally given something to do. She seems to be in charge of the contingent Amphipolis has to fight against Athena and her army. And I love when Gabrielle kicks some major ass. It's also nice that Xena trusts her enough to get the job done. Because while Gabrielle is leading the charge, Xena's down in the tunnels under the village. I can't actually remember what she's going down there, but I think the original plan was to flank Athena's army from the back (can you flank from the back?).
But . . . Athena is a goddess, as we've already established. And even though she can't use her powers to pluck Eve out of the air, she can use them to psychically find out about the tunnels. So while Xena's under there going about her business, she's met by Elanis and the buxom ladies. And they have Greek Fire. Oh no! They manage to get out just in time.
10) Back on the surface, the battle still rages on. Gabrielle finds herself a sword. Ever notice how Gabrielle, when she has a sword, never stabs? She totally hacks. The fight scenes have never been particularly realistic on Xena (there's never blood or wounds or holes) and I'm glad for that in Gabrielle's case because it'd be a bloody mess to see.
11) The battle lulls and Xena reemerges from the tunnels and she's back to feeling that old guilt again. As far as she's concerned, Athena is ransoming Amphipolis for Eve so all of the drops of blood that occur are on Xena's head.
Oh, Xena. Not everything is about you. I mean, this actually kind of is, but still.
12) Again, I really like Athena. She has a good heart and good intentions, even if what she's doing seems rather despicable.
She shows up in the makeshift hospital, appearing to Xena alone. They have a semi-conversation. She tells Xena, "The people need their gods, Xena. They need something to believe in."
I don't think she's that far off. I don't think it's surprising that so many culture around the world have creation myths and that so many developed religion on their own without outside influence. That's what humans do. They create something to believe in. What do we really have when that something is taken away? (I mean, I'm an atheist, so I feel weird posing that question.)
13) Where is Eve during all of this? She's with Cyrene, of course. The middle aged grandma who totally can't defend her against Athena or an army.
Seriously, why doesn't Athena just pop in and take her? It'd save everyone so much trouble!
14) Xena goes to see Ares. She's running out of options.
In the best exchange of the episode (and maybe of the series because it made me laugh pretty hard), Ares tells her, "You're fighting the goddess of wisdom and war." Xena responds with a slightly ironic and irreverent, "Don't forget weaving."
That just tickles me.
But Xena has other things on her mind than making me laugh. She wants to bring up the deal Ares was trying to strike earlier. She tells him that she'll join with him and give him his heir. It can be Eve or another child of their own. But she needs his help to protect her daughter.
Surprisingly, Ares rejects the offer. It's funny. He offered it in the first place but you get the impression he was never prepared to actually go through with it, mostly because he doesn't trust Xena as far as he can throw her. He knows that she doesn't want him and, when he rejects her offer in this scene, points out that she has a history of duping him by making him think he's getting what he wants when he so totally isn't.
I like that Ares is self aware enough and actually knows Xena well enough to know that this sudden interest in his offer is strange.
15) The men of Amphipolis are getting restless. One mentions Eli and his god. What I don't understand is why there are only two options. Why is it is the Olympians or Eli? Why can't there be more choice?
But one of the guys isn't sure they should continue fighting. Athena's always protected them in the past and if she wants Eve dead there must be a good reason as to why and who are they to question the gods? Maybe they should give Eve up.
Gabrielle, who must have been working on her stealth hearing from Xena, suddenly appears and she is totally pissed. As she tells the man and everyone else within hearing distance, "We're not fighting for Xena. We're fighting for ourselves." Gabrielle is a little delusional in this scene. She equates Eve to the other village children, asking if the villagers would give her up if they thought another child might be next.
But Eve isn't just another village child. She's Xena's daughter, brought into the world in a divine intervention, and she's fated to bring about the end of the Olympian reign. That's not, like, little Maria down the street who likes playing with her dolls and is going to grow up to be a farmer's wife.
16) When she's done with her rant, Gabrielle calls on Ares. She warns him away from Xena. She knows that Xena offered to give Ares what he had been asking for in exchange for Eve's protection, but she wants Ares to stay away from Xena lest her tempt her back to her old life.
Gabrielle's pleading convinces Ares that Xena's offer was genuine.
17) When Ares gets back to his temple (strange that a village that worships Athena would also have a temple to Ares) and there he finds a very lovely sight: Naked Seductive!Xena.
As they say on Tumblr, "Me gusta."
They're ready to seal the deal. "Seal the deal" in this case means "hot sex". And boy do they get down to it. There's nakedness and kissing and nipple biting . . . It's very not gay, really, since Ares is a dude. And this is disappointing. But they're stopped before anything can be truly consummated. A bomb explodes right outside the temple, blowing a hole in the side.
Since the battle is now raging in earnest, Xena decides that she has to go help Gabrielle against Athena.
18) She comes at just the right time. Before Elanis can kill Gabrielle (and, again, I wish that Gabrielle would win more fights at this point in her development), Xena emerges with the baby in her arms.
As soon as Athena sees her, she orders the fighting to stop. Xena agrees to turn Eve over to her in exchange for the removal of the army. Apparently, she can no longer be responsible for the destruction of her home village and the people in it.
It's quite an about face isn't it?
Athena is about to kill Eve, as she lays on the ground asleep, when Ares steps in. Even though Xena and he didn't officially "seal the deal", she convinced him of her intentions, and he honors his part of the deal. He can't let Athena hurt that baby. So the two of them fight. Meanwhile, Gabrielle orders an attack.
As it turns out, the whole thing was a bit of a ruse. Xena knew that Ares would step in so she and Gabrielle had hidden fighters that would be able to attack as Athena's army withdrew.
19) During the fighting, Xena and Elanis go at it. It's fitting since each are the "favorites" of the two gods of war. Xena's a total badass, though, so she obviously wins, managing to get her sword into Elanis, killing her.
It's a strange moment. It's kind of tender because Elanis was Athena's lover (and it's funny to write something like and have it be actually true based on real evidence that's not subtextual) and Athena obviously doesn't want to lose her (what's that Eli says about gods not knowing how to love because they don't know how to lose?). But it's also strange because Athena, after Elanis' death, retreats completely. She and her army leave.
Just like that. After all of that.
What's that about? (Had Gabrielle been in Elanis' place, I don't think Xena would have retreated. I think she would have gone batshit crazy and killed a bunch of shit.)
20) Ares insists that he and Xena retire to get it on, but Xena declines the offer. It was great that Ares stood up for her and fought for Eve, but he didn't technically save his life. Because that baby Xena walked out with? Was a doll.
Oops.
Yes, as it turns out, the whole thing was a ruse. Xena needed to figure out a way to get Ares to distract Athena on her behalf without actually having to go through with the deal. Gabrielle was the one who started the battle by blowing up the temple in the first place.
Oh, those two. So smart.
21) The episode ends with Xena admitting that she "felt" something when she was with Ares. We'll just assume she meant his giant god-like erection and not any kind of romantic feelings.
So that was Amphipolis Under Siege. A weird episode. I love, love, love, Athena, so that really elevates it for me. But I don't get the plot holes: Why Athena can't just use her powers to get Eve or why Athena leaves so quickly after Elanis' death, or why Xena left Eve unprotected with Cyrene. Plus, the ending is super abrupt. This is a common problem with season five episodes: Good idea and story and faulty execution. It's too bad. Still, I'll go ahead and give Amphipolis Under Siege 3.5 out of 5 airlocks.