Fanfic - Fool's Paradise (part three)
Not so sure that I like this part, but it's something.
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Jeff rolled over onto his back and heaved out a great sigh. The curtains on the windows were doing nothing to filter out the silvery moonlight dancing across every available surface, and it was driving him nuts. Not that he needed complete darkness to sleep; it just made it easier when he was as tense as he was right now. He ground the back of his head into the flat pillow beneath him and tried to pretend for the five hundredth time that he was at home, in his own bed, but nothing was working. It just wasn’t the same.
School sucked.
He turned his gaze to the ceiling to try and distract himself, but there were no tiles to count, no cracks to follow, no stains to examine. Nothing. Nothing but darkness, and it just made his thoughts race ever faster. He rolled his head over to the side to catch the time from the tiny alarm clock perched on his roommate’s desk. Three forty-two in the morning. And he was still nowhere near sleep.
School really sucked.
And classes hadn’t even started yet.
He sighed again and flung the covers away from his body, sitting up and swinging his legs harshly over the side of his bed. Daniel’s heavy breathing was muffled by the blankets thrown over his face, and Jeff snorted at the sight of his roommate. Guy could sleep through anything it seemed.
He ran a hand through the messy ends of his short hair and tried to get his thoughts in order. Maybe a walk or something would help calm him down. At the very least, it might tire him out enough to pass out for an hour or two. He was up for anything at this point.
It didn’t really matter that it was way after curfew-getting caught might actually give him something to think about besides scheduling Warblers practices and the nightmarish teachers he was sure to have for this year, though he seriously doubted that anyone was awake at this hour to catch him wandering the halls.
He shuddered as his feet hit the cool wooden panels of the floor and quickly shuffled around for the nearest pair of pants and shoes he could find. Both he and his roommate for the year were messy teenage boys at their finest, so there was sure to be something lying around within reach that he could use for the time being. He fumbled around on the floor as quietly as possible until his fingers hit denim and the hard leather of a shoe. Jackpot. He hastily donned the clothes and grabbed the jacket hanging from the doorknob, praying that whatever the heck he was wearing was his. He’d be back long before anyone would be awake to notice anything strange (though how anyone would know the difference between his and Daniel’s casual clothes was beyond him).
As he made his way out into the hall, the solid door of his dorm room at his back, he suddenly found himself at a loss for what to do. The kitchens wouldn’t be open for another couple of hours, hanging around the common areas after curfew was begging to be caught, and he couldn’t go down to the practice room without giving in to the urge to sing or play the piano or something. Damn it, even breaking the rules at school sucked.
Jeff carefully padded down the hallway, drawn to the large window above the stairs that looked out over the grounds. The light from the nearly full moon spilled across the floor, lighting up his skin and the sleeves of his jacket as he moved ever closer to the glass.
It was cold out, though he couldn’t see any hint of frost on the windowsill or the lip of roof visible to his line of sight. His light breath fogged up the glass of the window as he leaned in close, obscuring his view momentarily before his wiped it away with a quick brush of his sleeve.
Everything was so still outside, so quiet, and he longed for some of that serenity to bleed into his mind and blot out the racing swirl of anxiety that was keeping him awake. He folded his arms on the sill and buried his chin there, his eyes scanning the grounds below. Autumn was in full swing but the last few days had felt more like winter than anything else. At least the leaves hadn’t lost all of their color just yet. The trees that weren’t hidden by shadow were dotted with yellows, reds and even tiny hints of leftover green from summer. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep, the scent of his jacket filling his senses and making him dizzy. The rumble of the heaters beneath the floorboards thundered in his ears.
Maybe he should go outside. The cool night air might help clear his head. He headed down the steps of the grand staircase, praying that no one noticed his descent. The thought of losing himself for a while in the dark was suddenly comforting, and even if he never made it to sleep tonight, he’d at least have found a way to calm himself down.
Thankfully, tomorrow was Sunday, so he didn’t need to worry about waking up early for classes or anything of the sort. The thought of classes sent another surge of worry through his chest-what if he didn’t do well this year? His grades hadn’t exactly been the best last year, and college was right around the corner. He’d never hear the end of it if he let his grades slip and let his chances at getting into the ivy league go down the toilet. His mother would never let him hear the end of his mediocre SAT scores and how his lack of effort was ruining the family name, his father would say that he wasn’t even worth the money it would take to send him even to community college, his brothers would all gloat and flaunt their awesome careers in his face, and…he closed his eyes as he reached the door, pausing for a moment to catch his breath and collect himself back into some semblance of order. Things were going to be okay. He’d done decently enough on his exams, and he still had time before he needed to send off his applications for school. He was going to be just fine. He needed to believe that.
Jeff slipped outside, and walking into the cold air of the early morning was like diving into the ocean to emerge fresh and new. This had been exactly what he’d needed.
He shut the heavy door behind him with a soft thud and curled his bare feet inside of his shoes. They felt a little big around the toes-probably Daniel’s then, or maybe that was just the world’s subtle punishment to him for neglecting to find a pair of socks before sneaking out of his room. Whatever. They would protect his feet from loose rocks and sticks and keep them mostly shielded from the cold. He’d be fine. It wasn’t like he was going to be out here for all that long anyway.
He shuffled forward and studied the trails before him. The heady moonlight lit up the dirt paths, and he veered to the left on a whim. There was a courtyard off to the side of the school that very few of the guys liked to hang around in. The old fountain was back there-the broken one that no one had bothered to fix just yet-and the old benches were overgrown with moss, making them rather uncomfortable to sit on. Jeff liked it though. It was one of the few places he could talk to someone without the fear of eavesdropping, and it reminded him a little of the fantasy novels he’d liked to read so much as a kid. It felt a little like going home.
Dried leaves and gravel crunched under his feet as he walked, and he felt a smile creep onto his face. This was exactly what he’d needed: a little fresh air to calm his nerves, even if it was stupidly cold right now. He rounded the edge of the building and caught sight of the towering white marble pieces that used to be a fountain. Something had crashed into it long ago and smashed the bowl into a dozen good-sized chunks. They lay there in the moonlight like the bones of some great beast. Jeff had always liked to imagine that they were part of the ruins of some ancient city, though the fountain itself had probably only been there for fifty years or so. The moonlight only made the scene more ethereal than usual, and for a moment, he lost himself in the fantasy.
His breath billowed out in front of him like a cloud, and he carefully made his way around the fountain, studying it like a piece of art. A part of him really hoped that the people in charge of the grounds at Dalton never got around to fixing it. A slight breeze kicked up, the cold air going right through the fabric of his jacket and thin nightshirt to bite at his skin, and he curled in on himself, ready to head back inside.
But something stopped him. As he turned to leave, his gaze caught on the little building nearly hidden by a cluster of trees. It was the old chapel, long since abandoned, but kept around on campus for the history or something. Jeff looked up at the dark sky overhead and back over to the chapel. It wouldn’t be warm in there by any stretch of the imagination, but it would get him out of the wind and allow him to stay outside for just a little while longer. It was closer than walking back to the main hall anyway. He broke into a run and ducked inside the heavy double doors, his hands slipping a little on the carved wooden handles in his haste.
Jeff rubbed his hands briefly to get more blood flow to his tingling fingers, and he let out another heavy breath that streamed out from his mouth like smoke. He could hear the wind beating against the solid frame of the building, but he felt none of it. It was as cold as death in here, but whoever had built had known what they were doing. He grinned to himself as he straightened his jacket about his shoulders and took in his surroundings.
He’d been in here before, but only once, as a freshman. He, Nick and a few other guys had wandered over here during one of their study hours. It had seemed like the perfect hideout, where they could sneak alcohol and girls and other things prohibited on school grounds, but a teacher had shot those dreams down quickly when he found them inside and chased them out. It wouldn’t have worked well anyway. Most everyone knew about the chapel. The upperclassmen would have claimed it long before some rookie freshmen could sink their claws into it had it been a reasonable spot to congregate and break the rules. Jeff smiled as he ran his fingers over the dusty walls. If only.
He looked up at the cross hanging on the wall above the doors to the sanctuary. It was falling apart, and one of the beams had the remnants of a bird’s nest nestled into the corner. His smile grew wider at that. At least someone had made good use of the chapel.
He wandered forward, pressing onward into the sanctuary. The bright moonlight shot through the colored glass of the windows to paint abstract masterpieces across the frayed, threadbare carpet. He hadn’t expected to find someone else inside.
Jeff froze at the sight of chestnut hair and stooped shoulders peeking out from the top of one of the pews closest to the alter. His breath caught in his throat and he stood completely still, afraid that the slightest movement from him might alert the other person to his presence. They were probably a vagrant looking for shelter from the cold, or maybe another student who couldn’t sleep.
He hadn’t expected the singing.
It was quiet, very quiet, but it was there. And Jeff definitely knew that voice.
“Kurt?”
There was no response, but Jeff’s nerve grew the more he studied the familiar head of hair, the longer he listened to the simple melody spilling from those lips. It had to be the countertenor. It simply had to be.
“Kurt?” he repeated, moving forward. “Is that you?”
There was still no response, and Jeff began to worry. Blaine had said that Kurt had been sick. Like really, really sick, maybe even hospitalized. It really, really, really didn’t make any sense for the other boy to be out here (especially since, to Jeff’s knowledge, Kurt hadn’t even made it up to campus yet), but unless Jeff was going crazy, the person sitting there was Kurt.
The singing was just as soft as ever when he screeched to a halt at the edge of the pew. He was breathing too heavily for such a short sprint, but Jeff really didn’t care at this point. That was Kurt sitting just ahead of him.
Kurt was curled up against the end of the pew, his feet pressed up tight against his thighs. His eyes were closed, but his lips still moved in song. Jeff recognized the melody. It was on one of the CDs his mother always played in the car when she goaded him into running errands with her. Kurt was repeating it over and over, almost like a prayer.
So the world goes round and round
With all you ever knew
They say the sky high above is Caribbean blue
Jeff swallowed and stepped forward, reaching out his arm toward Kurt. He was almost afraid to touch the other boy, that maybe if he disturbed him then he’d disappear like a phantom. But phantoms don’t cradle cell phones in their hands or have their breath fly out in front of them like mist. Phantoms don’t have traces of tears clinging to their eyelashes while they sat alone in the dark, singing to empty air. Kurt’s lips were pale with the cold. He must have been out here for a while then. Jeff couldn’t leave him here.
“Hey, Kurt,” he murmured as he placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”
The singing stopped and Kurt’s eyes snapped open. He seized up under Jeff’s hand like a deep ready to spring away, but he relaxed when he saw who it was. “Oh. Oh, it’s you. I thought…” He trailed off, growing silent and looking away.
Jeff sat down beside him. Kurt folded his legs in tighter to his body, his eyes suddenly downcast, his fingers flexing around the phone in his hands.
Jeff chuckled softly, and Kurt shot him a nervous glance. “What’s so funny?” he whispered.
“I never pegged you as the religious type, Kurt.”
Kurt shrunk down into his coat. “I’m not.” He looked up at the crumbling alter, the tarnished stand where a bible once sat, the broken cross beside the choir loft that once hung above everything. “I actually don’t believe in a god at all.”
They sat there in silence for a while, the wind pleading with them from outside, rattling the stained glass and whistling around the heavy wooden beams of the building. Kurt knew that Jeff was probably bursting with questions. He probably wanted to know what he was doing out here. Why he was singing in an abandoned church in the middle of the night. Why he was so fucking crazy. The silence was weighing down on them, making the whispers in his ear grow ever louder, and Kurt sucked in a deep breath before continuing. “I found this place last year. I couldn’t sleep one night and wandered outside. It’s where I go when I need to think.”
Jeff laughed a little at that. “At three in the morning?”
Kurt looked down at the little blue screen of his phone. “It really is that late, isn’t it?” He sounded so defeated, and Jeff looked over at him. He looked on the verge of tears.
“You okay?”
“What?”
“Are you doing okay? I mean, Blaine said-”
“Don’t talk to me about him,” Kurt snapped.
That was surprising. Jeff’s eyebrows shot up toward his hairline. “You guys have a fight?”
“Something like that.” Kurt was closing himself off again, and Jeff had to suppress the urge to punch something. Kurt could be so frustrating sometimes. He wondered if the boy did it on purpose.
“Sorry. I won’t talk about him right now. I promise. But I heard that you were really sick, and that’s why you weren’t there at the welcoming dinner.”
Kurt curled up closer into himself. “Yeah. I guess you could say that.” His fingers moved up and down the smooth sides of his phone. They were going faster than before, and Kurt’s breath was quickening. Jeff was getting worried.
“Kurt? Are you okay?”
“Not really.
Jeff rubbed his palms over his jeans, trying to build up some warmth in his legs. “We should probably get back inside. It’s freezing out here, and if you’ve been-” he stopped short. Kurt’s cold fingers had let his phone slip to the floor with a soft clatter to wrap around his wrist. Jeff froze and slid his gaze up to Kurt’s face. The boy’s blue eyes were wide and pleading, his grip tight. “Kurt, you’re scaring me.”
Kurt suddenly released his hand and looked as though he was about to burst into tears. He was mumbling something to himself, and Jeff swore he caught the whispered traces of half-spoken words.
Thank god. Thank god, you’re real.
Jeff stooped down and grabbed the phone from the floor before straightening and helping Kurt to his feet. He could feel Kurt trembling under the heavy layers of his jacket, but Jeff wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or something else. He didn’t really know what to think right now.
“Come on.” He wrapped his arm around Kurt’s thin shoulders. “Let’s get you inside.”
“Jeff?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you have my phone? I don’t-I can’t seem to find it.”
“It’s all right. I’ve got it.” He passed the device over to Kurt, who accepted it with a soft ‘thank you’ and held it tight to his chest. “Do you need to call someone?”
Kurt shook his head and dropped his eyes to the ground. “No. I hope not.”
Jeff didn’t question it. He just started forward, leading Kurt along toward the doors. The countertenor began to hum under his breath, and Jeff’s pulse quickened. Kurt had been acting so strangely and it was really starting to get to him. “Why are you singing?”
Kurt stopped and looked down at his hands, his entire body frozen in the moonlight. He looked so lost, so frail in that moment that Jeff was afraid that he would simply disappear. “Because…” Kurt whispered, his voice steeped in shame, “because it keeps the silence at bay.”
He nodded and drew Kurt in a little closer, trying to conserve as much body heat as possible. “Okay. I’ll help you out, then.” He smiled at Kurt’s dumbfounded expression, trying his best to ease the tension between them. “I don’t think I know the words to that song, though. Do you know anything by John Denver?”
---
Part one
Part two
Part four
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Jeff rolled over onto his back and heaved out a great sigh. The curtains on the windows were doing nothing to filter out the silvery moonlight dancing across every available surface, and it was driving him nuts. Not that he needed complete darkness to sleep; it just made it easier when he was as tense as he was right now. He ground the back of his head into the flat pillow beneath him and tried to pretend for the five hundredth time that he was at home, in his own bed, but nothing was working. It just wasn’t the same.
School sucked.
He turned his gaze to the ceiling to try and distract himself, but there were no tiles to count, no cracks to follow, no stains to examine. Nothing. Nothing but darkness, and it just made his thoughts race ever faster. He rolled his head over to the side to catch the time from the tiny alarm clock perched on his roommate’s desk. Three forty-two in the morning. And he was still nowhere near sleep.
School really sucked.
And classes hadn’t even started yet.
He sighed again and flung the covers away from his body, sitting up and swinging his legs harshly over the side of his bed. Daniel’s heavy breathing was muffled by the blankets thrown over his face, and Jeff snorted at the sight of his roommate. Guy could sleep through anything it seemed.
He ran a hand through the messy ends of his short hair and tried to get his thoughts in order. Maybe a walk or something would help calm him down. At the very least, it might tire him out enough to pass out for an hour or two. He was up for anything at this point.
It didn’t really matter that it was way after curfew-getting caught might actually give him something to think about besides scheduling Warblers practices and the nightmarish teachers he was sure to have for this year, though he seriously doubted that anyone was awake at this hour to catch him wandering the halls.
He shuddered as his feet hit the cool wooden panels of the floor and quickly shuffled around for the nearest pair of pants and shoes he could find. Both he and his roommate for the year were messy teenage boys at their finest, so there was sure to be something lying around within reach that he could use for the time being. He fumbled around on the floor as quietly as possible until his fingers hit denim and the hard leather of a shoe. Jackpot. He hastily donned the clothes and grabbed the jacket hanging from the doorknob, praying that whatever the heck he was wearing was his. He’d be back long before anyone would be awake to notice anything strange (though how anyone would know the difference between his and Daniel’s casual clothes was beyond him).
As he made his way out into the hall, the solid door of his dorm room at his back, he suddenly found himself at a loss for what to do. The kitchens wouldn’t be open for another couple of hours, hanging around the common areas after curfew was begging to be caught, and he couldn’t go down to the practice room without giving in to the urge to sing or play the piano or something. Damn it, even breaking the rules at school sucked.
Jeff carefully padded down the hallway, drawn to the large window above the stairs that looked out over the grounds. The light from the nearly full moon spilled across the floor, lighting up his skin and the sleeves of his jacket as he moved ever closer to the glass.
It was cold out, though he couldn’t see any hint of frost on the windowsill or the lip of roof visible to his line of sight. His light breath fogged up the glass of the window as he leaned in close, obscuring his view momentarily before his wiped it away with a quick brush of his sleeve.
Everything was so still outside, so quiet, and he longed for some of that serenity to bleed into his mind and blot out the racing swirl of anxiety that was keeping him awake. He folded his arms on the sill and buried his chin there, his eyes scanning the grounds below. Autumn was in full swing but the last few days had felt more like winter than anything else. At least the leaves hadn’t lost all of their color just yet. The trees that weren’t hidden by shadow were dotted with yellows, reds and even tiny hints of leftover green from summer. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep, the scent of his jacket filling his senses and making him dizzy. The rumble of the heaters beneath the floorboards thundered in his ears.
Maybe he should go outside. The cool night air might help clear his head. He headed down the steps of the grand staircase, praying that no one noticed his descent. The thought of losing himself for a while in the dark was suddenly comforting, and even if he never made it to sleep tonight, he’d at least have found a way to calm himself down.
Thankfully, tomorrow was Sunday, so he didn’t need to worry about waking up early for classes or anything of the sort. The thought of classes sent another surge of worry through his chest-what if he didn’t do well this year? His grades hadn’t exactly been the best last year, and college was right around the corner. He’d never hear the end of it if he let his grades slip and let his chances at getting into the ivy league go down the toilet. His mother would never let him hear the end of his mediocre SAT scores and how his lack of effort was ruining the family name, his father would say that he wasn’t even worth the money it would take to send him even to community college, his brothers would all gloat and flaunt their awesome careers in his face, and…he closed his eyes as he reached the door, pausing for a moment to catch his breath and collect himself back into some semblance of order. Things were going to be okay. He’d done decently enough on his exams, and he still had time before he needed to send off his applications for school. He was going to be just fine. He needed to believe that.
Jeff slipped outside, and walking into the cold air of the early morning was like diving into the ocean to emerge fresh and new. This had been exactly what he’d needed.
He shut the heavy door behind him with a soft thud and curled his bare feet inside of his shoes. They felt a little big around the toes-probably Daniel’s then, or maybe that was just the world’s subtle punishment to him for neglecting to find a pair of socks before sneaking out of his room. Whatever. They would protect his feet from loose rocks and sticks and keep them mostly shielded from the cold. He’d be fine. It wasn’t like he was going to be out here for all that long anyway.
He shuffled forward and studied the trails before him. The heady moonlight lit up the dirt paths, and he veered to the left on a whim. There was a courtyard off to the side of the school that very few of the guys liked to hang around in. The old fountain was back there-the broken one that no one had bothered to fix just yet-and the old benches were overgrown with moss, making them rather uncomfortable to sit on. Jeff liked it though. It was one of the few places he could talk to someone without the fear of eavesdropping, and it reminded him a little of the fantasy novels he’d liked to read so much as a kid. It felt a little like going home.
Dried leaves and gravel crunched under his feet as he walked, and he felt a smile creep onto his face. This was exactly what he’d needed: a little fresh air to calm his nerves, even if it was stupidly cold right now. He rounded the edge of the building and caught sight of the towering white marble pieces that used to be a fountain. Something had crashed into it long ago and smashed the bowl into a dozen good-sized chunks. They lay there in the moonlight like the bones of some great beast. Jeff had always liked to imagine that they were part of the ruins of some ancient city, though the fountain itself had probably only been there for fifty years or so. The moonlight only made the scene more ethereal than usual, and for a moment, he lost himself in the fantasy.
His breath billowed out in front of him like a cloud, and he carefully made his way around the fountain, studying it like a piece of art. A part of him really hoped that the people in charge of the grounds at Dalton never got around to fixing it. A slight breeze kicked up, the cold air going right through the fabric of his jacket and thin nightshirt to bite at his skin, and he curled in on himself, ready to head back inside.
But something stopped him. As he turned to leave, his gaze caught on the little building nearly hidden by a cluster of trees. It was the old chapel, long since abandoned, but kept around on campus for the history or something. Jeff looked up at the dark sky overhead and back over to the chapel. It wouldn’t be warm in there by any stretch of the imagination, but it would get him out of the wind and allow him to stay outside for just a little while longer. It was closer than walking back to the main hall anyway. He broke into a run and ducked inside the heavy double doors, his hands slipping a little on the carved wooden handles in his haste.
Jeff rubbed his hands briefly to get more blood flow to his tingling fingers, and he let out another heavy breath that streamed out from his mouth like smoke. He could hear the wind beating against the solid frame of the building, but he felt none of it. It was as cold as death in here, but whoever had built had known what they were doing. He grinned to himself as he straightened his jacket about his shoulders and took in his surroundings.
He’d been in here before, but only once, as a freshman. He, Nick and a few other guys had wandered over here during one of their study hours. It had seemed like the perfect hideout, where they could sneak alcohol and girls and other things prohibited on school grounds, but a teacher had shot those dreams down quickly when he found them inside and chased them out. It wouldn’t have worked well anyway. Most everyone knew about the chapel. The upperclassmen would have claimed it long before some rookie freshmen could sink their claws into it had it been a reasonable spot to congregate and break the rules. Jeff smiled as he ran his fingers over the dusty walls. If only.
He looked up at the cross hanging on the wall above the doors to the sanctuary. It was falling apart, and one of the beams had the remnants of a bird’s nest nestled into the corner. His smile grew wider at that. At least someone had made good use of the chapel.
He wandered forward, pressing onward into the sanctuary. The bright moonlight shot through the colored glass of the windows to paint abstract masterpieces across the frayed, threadbare carpet. He hadn’t expected to find someone else inside.
Jeff froze at the sight of chestnut hair and stooped shoulders peeking out from the top of one of the pews closest to the alter. His breath caught in his throat and he stood completely still, afraid that the slightest movement from him might alert the other person to his presence. They were probably a vagrant looking for shelter from the cold, or maybe another student who couldn’t sleep.
He hadn’t expected the singing.
It was quiet, very quiet, but it was there. And Jeff definitely knew that voice.
“Kurt?”
There was no response, but Jeff’s nerve grew the more he studied the familiar head of hair, the longer he listened to the simple melody spilling from those lips. It had to be the countertenor. It simply had to be.
“Kurt?” he repeated, moving forward. “Is that you?”
There was still no response, and Jeff began to worry. Blaine had said that Kurt had been sick. Like really, really sick, maybe even hospitalized. It really, really, really didn’t make any sense for the other boy to be out here (especially since, to Jeff’s knowledge, Kurt hadn’t even made it up to campus yet), but unless Jeff was going crazy, the person sitting there was Kurt.
The singing was just as soft as ever when he screeched to a halt at the edge of the pew. He was breathing too heavily for such a short sprint, but Jeff really didn’t care at this point. That was Kurt sitting just ahead of him.
Kurt was curled up against the end of the pew, his feet pressed up tight against his thighs. His eyes were closed, but his lips still moved in song. Jeff recognized the melody. It was on one of the CDs his mother always played in the car when she goaded him into running errands with her. Kurt was repeating it over and over, almost like a prayer.
So the world goes round and round
With all you ever knew
They say the sky high above is Caribbean blue
Jeff swallowed and stepped forward, reaching out his arm toward Kurt. He was almost afraid to touch the other boy, that maybe if he disturbed him then he’d disappear like a phantom. But phantoms don’t cradle cell phones in their hands or have their breath fly out in front of them like mist. Phantoms don’t have traces of tears clinging to their eyelashes while they sat alone in the dark, singing to empty air. Kurt’s lips were pale with the cold. He must have been out here for a while then. Jeff couldn’t leave him here.
“Hey, Kurt,” he murmured as he placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”
The singing stopped and Kurt’s eyes snapped open. He seized up under Jeff’s hand like a deep ready to spring away, but he relaxed when he saw who it was. “Oh. Oh, it’s you. I thought…” He trailed off, growing silent and looking away.
Jeff sat down beside him. Kurt folded his legs in tighter to his body, his eyes suddenly downcast, his fingers flexing around the phone in his hands.
Jeff chuckled softly, and Kurt shot him a nervous glance. “What’s so funny?” he whispered.
“I never pegged you as the religious type, Kurt.”
Kurt shrunk down into his coat. “I’m not.” He looked up at the crumbling alter, the tarnished stand where a bible once sat, the broken cross beside the choir loft that once hung above everything. “I actually don’t believe in a god at all.”
They sat there in silence for a while, the wind pleading with them from outside, rattling the stained glass and whistling around the heavy wooden beams of the building. Kurt knew that Jeff was probably bursting with questions. He probably wanted to know what he was doing out here. Why he was singing in an abandoned church in the middle of the night. Why he was so fucking crazy. The silence was weighing down on them, making the whispers in his ear grow ever louder, and Kurt sucked in a deep breath before continuing. “I found this place last year. I couldn’t sleep one night and wandered outside. It’s where I go when I need to think.”
Jeff laughed a little at that. “At three in the morning?”
Kurt looked down at the little blue screen of his phone. “It really is that late, isn’t it?” He sounded so defeated, and Jeff looked over at him. He looked on the verge of tears.
“You okay?”
“What?”
“Are you doing okay? I mean, Blaine said-”
“Don’t talk to me about him,” Kurt snapped.
That was surprising. Jeff’s eyebrows shot up toward his hairline. “You guys have a fight?”
“Something like that.” Kurt was closing himself off again, and Jeff had to suppress the urge to punch something. Kurt could be so frustrating sometimes. He wondered if the boy did it on purpose.
“Sorry. I won’t talk about him right now. I promise. But I heard that you were really sick, and that’s why you weren’t there at the welcoming dinner.”
Kurt curled up closer into himself. “Yeah. I guess you could say that.” His fingers moved up and down the smooth sides of his phone. They were going faster than before, and Kurt’s breath was quickening. Jeff was getting worried.
“Kurt? Are you okay?”
“Not really.
Jeff rubbed his palms over his jeans, trying to build up some warmth in his legs. “We should probably get back inside. It’s freezing out here, and if you’ve been-” he stopped short. Kurt’s cold fingers had let his phone slip to the floor with a soft clatter to wrap around his wrist. Jeff froze and slid his gaze up to Kurt’s face. The boy’s blue eyes were wide and pleading, his grip tight. “Kurt, you’re scaring me.”
Kurt suddenly released his hand and looked as though he was about to burst into tears. He was mumbling something to himself, and Jeff swore he caught the whispered traces of half-spoken words.
Thank god. Thank god, you’re real.
Jeff stooped down and grabbed the phone from the floor before straightening and helping Kurt to his feet. He could feel Kurt trembling under the heavy layers of his jacket, but Jeff wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or something else. He didn’t really know what to think right now.
“Come on.” He wrapped his arm around Kurt’s thin shoulders. “Let’s get you inside.”
“Jeff?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you have my phone? I don’t-I can’t seem to find it.”
“It’s all right. I’ve got it.” He passed the device over to Kurt, who accepted it with a soft ‘thank you’ and held it tight to his chest. “Do you need to call someone?”
Kurt shook his head and dropped his eyes to the ground. “No. I hope not.”
Jeff didn’t question it. He just started forward, leading Kurt along toward the doors. The countertenor began to hum under his breath, and Jeff’s pulse quickened. Kurt had been acting so strangely and it was really starting to get to him. “Why are you singing?”
Kurt stopped and looked down at his hands, his entire body frozen in the moonlight. He looked so lost, so frail in that moment that Jeff was afraid that he would simply disappear. “Because…” Kurt whispered, his voice steeped in shame, “because it keeps the silence at bay.”
He nodded and drew Kurt in a little closer, trying to conserve as much body heat as possible. “Okay. I’ll help you out, then.” He smiled at Kurt’s dumbfounded expression, trying his best to ease the tension between them. “I don’t think I know the words to that song, though. Do you know anything by John Denver?”
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Part one
Part two
Part four