Soul Survivors, Chapter Five

[tcs1121]

Title: Soul Survivors
Author: tcs1121
Artist: BflyW
Pairing and Characters: Jared/Jensen, Jim Beaver, Chad Michael Murray, Sophia Bush, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Steven Williams, several original male and female characters
Rating: NC-17
Genre: J2 AU, h/c
Word Count: ~41,100
Warnings: This is a story about survivor's guilt. Many people die in different and tragic ways-mostly off screen. Imagined graphic deaths of birds. Suicidal ideation. Religious overtones-no religion bashing. Jensen has a permanent disability.
Disclaimer: Untrue story. Character names are being used without permission. No money changes hands.
Beta: Kee--She never lets me take the easy way out. I don't know what I'd do without her. Thank you so very much.
Special Thanks to spn_J2fan for her read through, insights, and overall kindness. To pennydrdful for expert assistance when I needed it, and to wendy the moderator for the SPN J2 Big Bang 2014

A/N: Please understand that, right or wrong, people grieve in different ways.

Link to bflyw's Amazing Art:~~ HERE~~

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Summary: "We were ordinary people until we became part of a tragedy. We feel guilty for living when others have died. We come together because unless you've been through what we've been through, you can't understand what it's like to be us. We are the survivors."

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In the dark dreary nights, when the storm is at its most fierce, the lighthouse burns bright so the sailors can find their way home again. In life the same light burns. This light is fueled with love, faith, and hope. And through life’s most fierce storms these three burn their brightest so we also can find our way home again.- Author Unknown

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( Back to Chapter Four)

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Jared both did and didn't want to attend the next Soul Survivor's meeting. He did because he needed the support and camaraderie of the group, and he didn't because he didn't want to talk about his crisis moment or the telephone call with Robbie's mother. Jared knew he wasn't obligated to, but he didn't want to feel as though he were lying to his group of friends by not telling them.

Jensen had been wonderful. He was there when Jared needed him, and when Jared wanted some space, Jensen gave him a kiss and said to give him a call.

Jared had also come to the conclusion that he was more than just in like with Jensen, but wasn't ready-emotionally or physically-to go further with him right now.

Jensen was drinking coffee sitting in his rolling computer chair and chatting with Liz. They all seemed to be waiting for something. Jensen glanced at his watch and clapped his hands twice.

"Okay my friends, gather 'round and be seated. It's a second Monday meeting so let me jump right in." There was the full crowd of regulars tonight.

"I've asked Mindy whether Lorraine was in the States and she said…" Jensen raised his hand to Mindy.

"Lorraine is back in town and she's coming to tonight's meeting." She raised her eyes to Drew. Drew shook his head with all good nature, stood and opened another chair to Mindy's right. Brett was on her left.

"That's great!" Liz exclaimed and then turned to Jared. "You'll like her. She's interesting and, yeah, pretty amazing."

"Well, she is pretty," Brett said and Mindy laughed.

"When she gets here, I'll be asking her to tell her story," Jensen said. "In the meantime, does anyone have anything they'd like to share?"

Just then, all eyes turned. A petite African-American woman stood in the doorway. She was in her early sixties and dressed in a colorful print dress with large bronze and green swirls. She wore bright red lipstick, short tight curls, and a huge smile.

"Lorraine." Jensen lit up as she entered. He reached for his crutch and fingered his brace.

"Stay sitting, Jense. I'll come over to you. You are as handsome as ever, my darling." She leaned down, kissed him on the cheek and then rubbed the lipstick off his cheek with her thumb. She stood with a grin. "Hello, my dears. How have we all been?" There was a lilting accent to her low, sultry voice.

Liz stood and held her arms out. Lorraine wrapped her arms around her and closed her eyes as they hugged tight. "How's my Lizzy?" Lorraine tucked a blonde strand of hair behind Liz's ear.

"Much better. It's so good to see you." Liz smiled deep and bright.

"It's good to be here." She gave Liz another quick hug and then turned to greet them all, one at a time.

"Drew, you're looking well and strong."

"Brett, you need a shave, but otherwise, a sight for sore eyes."

"Mindy, baby, so glad we keep in touch. I have a bottle of brandy with our names on it."

Then to Jared. "My goodness, what a fine, handsome, man you are. I am sorry you have to be here, but so glad you found us."

Jared was rendered speechless. He looked helplessly at Jensen.

"Meet Jared," Brett said, patting Jared on the shoulder.

"I'm Lorraine Dembo, pleased to meet you." She made a polite half bow.

Jared was nervous and didn't know why. He tried his best to give her a warm smile.

No, he did know why. He knew he was going to hear another story where something horrible happened to somebody nice.

"Have a seat Lorraine. You're the star of the show tonight." Jensen motioned to the empty chair.

"Maybe yes, maybe no." She turned in a flurry of printed swirls and sat primly next to Mindy.

"Nothing cryptic about that," Drew said.

Lorraine shrugged. Jensen asked, "You've been out of the country for a long time, haven't you?"

"My, yes. I was in Bahrain for three months and Qatar for two."

"Will you be around for a while?" Liz asked.

"Well, if you consider San Jose "around" then, yes," she smiled. "But that's not for a couple of months. You'll be seeing me here until I leave."

"Before we start," Jensen said, "is there anything anyone would like to share?" He looked at each member.

"I shouldn't date and tell," Brett said, "but I think Mindy might go out with me again."

"Yes, he sent me an email with: Do You Like Me? Check yes or no. I checked yes. Now it's official." Mindy made an exaggerated eye roll, then smack/patted Brett's arm. "I like you."

"I met someone, too." Drew's cheeks turned pink. "I guess you inspired me." He glanced at Brett.

Brett fist pumped the air, and Liz giggled. "You hound." She looked at Jensen. "It's always the quiet ones."

Jared's tongue was seriously tied. He didn't join in on the conversation because he couldn't shake the dread of what he was about to hear.

"That's all great news, guys." Jensen was beaming at them. "It looks like you're moving forward. I'm proud of you."

Jensen caught Jared's eye and gave him a concerned look. Jared eyed his thumbnail.

"So, Lorraine, how would you feel about telling us your story? You know you don't have to."

"I know that, my dear, but there are so many strong and conflicting emotions-anger, fear, grief, blessed, cheated, in all combinations-that they roil and weave inside my head and heart until I almost burst."

She looked around at the group and then back to Jensen. "No one outside of this room can know how that feels. Sharing with you is a relief and a release of some of the emotional pressure. I think that's one of the reasons why we come here, so we can tell our stories and let the devil out at least for a few moments. So, I'll begin if you'll allow me."

"Yes, please." Jensen said.

All Jared could do was hold his breath and hang on.

"I'll start by telling Jared a little of my background." Lorraine smiled kindly at Jared before taking a moment to center herself.

"I'm an international IT consultant. I was born in Zimbabwe but have been an American citizen for many years. I work for a very successful American internet technology firm and I dare say that I have been around the world many times, as my job requires much traveling. During one business trip, my team and I were given special treatment by the Kuwaiti Emir, and one of the many private jets in his fleet was at our disposal."

Lorraine, who had been calmly reciting her story, began kneading the knuckles of one hand with the fingers of the other. Mindy reached over and held Lorraine's hand.

"Our particular aircraft was a luxury JetStorm XL. It carried six passengers and three crewmembers." She looked up. "It was a beautifully appointed, state-of-the-art business jet. It was white with red, green, and black striping along the body and up the tail. It's funny how you remember things like that."

When Lorraine stopped to regroup her thoughts, Mindy softly stroked up and down her arm. Jared's own breath was caught in his lungs. He didn't want to hear the rest. He knew it ended badly, but he raised his thumbnail to his teeth and forced himself to listen.

"This jet was technologically the most advanced aircraft in its class. And yet, when the weather suddenly deteriorated and the young co-pilot panicked, even the best technology in the world couldn't protect us from an impact on the desert floor.

"Upon recreation of the events, the pilot must have reduced air speed at the last minute because I survived. The other five passengers and the three crewmembers did not." She sniffed deeply and stared at the floor. "I'm the only one left," she whispered.

Jared chewed at his nail until it bled and brushed away his tears as quickly as he could. This wasn't about him.

Lorraine's soft, deep voice said, "Jared, I don't know your story. But I am the sole survivor of that ill-fated jet. Whatever tragedy befell you in your young life, believe me, I understand what survivor's guilt feels like and I'll do whatever I can to help ease yours."

Jared tried to catch his breath but all he could do was gasp.

"Thank you, Lorraine," Jared heard Jensen say. "Let's all take a break."

Jared stood so quickly, he shoved the folding chair back. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I've got to…" He looked to Jensen who was holding out his hand to him.

"Help me up, Jay? We'll take a short walk."

"Okay, yes." Jared took Jensen's hand and helped him to his feet.

"We'll be right back," Jensen said to the group. "Min, did you bake cookies for tonight?"

Jared didn't hear the answer as he dragged Jensen out of the room. In his haste, he'd forgotten to take the crutch, so Jensen had to hold onto Jared's arm.

"Jesus, Jensen. Oh my God." Jared's thoughts were out of control. "I can't imagine. That would be worse. That would be so much worse. What if I was in Robbie's seat and I lived? What if everyone around me died? I can't imagine what it must be like for her. I can't."

"Jay, breathe." Jensen was latched onto Jared. "And slow down."

"Sorry, sorry, but how can she deal with it?" Jared realized he needed to calm his breathing down as the world started spinning.

"That's why she needs us. That's why we're here. We're here because we need each other. But in Lorraine's case, imagine surviving that accident. Then imagine there's nobody around who knows what that feels like. That would be worse." Jensen shifted all his weight to his good leg. "That's why I'm…that's why we are here."

"Unimaginable," Jared mumbled. "Unthinkable."

"There's something else, though, that I wanted you to notice. One reason I wanted you to hear Lorraine's story is because she still flies all around the world, doing the job she did before. To me, that's the mark of a strong spirit and remarkable resolve."

"And faith," Jared said.

"That, too."

"Um, guys?" Liz called from the doorway. "Everything okay?"

"We're fine," Jensen called back. Jared looked towards Liz and gave her a weak smile.

"Lorraine says that she has something else to tell us."

"Okay, we'll be in in a minute." Jensen looked at Jared. "Do you think you can go back now?"

"Yeah," Jared breathed in and out, feeling a little better. "I'm fine."

"The rule still stands. If we don't want to talk, we don't talk."

"I know." Jared turned to face Jensen. "Thank you for helping me to breathe just now."

"No problem." Jensen cocked his head to the side. "That's what boyfriends are for."

They walked back into the room arm in arm. People were milling around so after Jensen got seated, Jared sat beside Lorraine.

"I'm sorry. It must have looked like I ran away from you." Jared's thumb came halfway to his mouth until Lorraine touched his wrist.

"No, sweet boy. It just looked like you needed a break." She smiled, fondly.

"May I ask you a couple of things?" Jared tried not to choke on the words.

"Of course. Anything you want. Remember, I said it was my pleasure to talk to people who understood."

"How long ago did it happen?"

"Twelve years."

Jared was speechless.

Lorraine nodded, "There weren't any groups like this back then. I was on heavy medication for depression the first few years. Four years ago my psychiatrist recommended Soul Survivors. I guess I'm one of the founding members." She smiled at Jensen who was drinking the coffee Drew had handed him. "He'll be awake all night. He's such a caffeine addict."

"Were you hurt?"

"I was in a coma for three weeks. I don't have any recollection of that. All I remember was waking up in a strange hospital room filled with terror. At first, I didn't know what I was afraid of. Apparently I suffered some memory loss, but believe me, it wasn't enough to make me forget all of it."

"How did you get the courage to go back to work, especially since you have to fly so much?" Jared's chest hitched on the last word.

Lorraine tilted her chin down and smiled softly. "That's easy. Faith. Faith in God. He knows what He's doing and when it's my time to go, I will take my last flight right into God's arms."

"Wow," Jared whispered.

She smiled and said, "There's someone I asked to join us here tonight. Another founding member of the Soul Survivors Support Group. He and Jensen are somewhat responsible for the well-adjusted, successful woman you see today." She held her arms out in a theatrical gesture.

"Who is it?" Drew asked.

"Is that what you were going to tell us?" Liz came over to sit on Lorraine's left.

"It was," she said, lightly.

The air was suddenly changed with a subdued excitement.

Jensen looked up. "What's up? Is something going on?"

"Jensen, dear," Lorraine said. "I asked another old member to come by, if he had the time. He was instrumental in helping me to cope with the world again." Lorraine looked at Jensen through her lashes. "You know who I mean, don't you?"

Jared thought he saw Jensen go pale. His hand holding the coffee cup trembled slightly. Jensen swallowed and asked, "Is, is he coming here, tonight?"

Lorraine grinned. "Well, this is his church. I don't think it would be polite to keep him away."



Jensen should have realized that Lorraine would want to see the Reverend. It was long past due for him to show up at one of their meetings. Damn, but he wished he could pace properly. Instead, Jensen crutched over to the coffee maker and pretended to pour another cup. He was already three cups in and knew more than that was a bad idea.

He'd seen Jared and Lorraine, with their heads bowed low in private conversation. Lorraine had her hand on Jared's arm, her expression was warm and inviting while they spoke in hushed tones. Lorraine had many bad years suffering from the aftermath of the crash.

Jensen made out some of her words like, "depression," "coma," "terror," and "memory loss, but not enough to make me forget." Jensen looked away when she said, "faith."

Looking at his watch, Jensen saw there were only fifteen minutes left in the meeting, so maybe Reverend Williams wouldn't be coming after all.

Jared came up behind him. He was pale and his eyes were red, but there was a spark behind them. "Liz was right," Jared whispered. "Lorraine is amazing."

Lorraine was in an animated discussion with Drew when a baritone voice greeted Jensen from behind.

"Good evenin', Jensen. Lorraine told you I'd be coming tonight?"

"She did, Reverend. How are you? We haven't seen you in a while." Jensen was polite, but reserved. Reverend Williams turned to Jared.

"I don't believe we've met. I'm the pastor of this little church, Reverend Steven Williams, but I've been called Brother Rufus since I don't know how long." He shook Jared's hand.

"How did that name come about?" Jared asked with a grin.

"Well, son, around the turn of the twentieth century, where I come from, Rufus Turner was a famous evangelist and healer. I began preaching the Word when I was a child, and on one hot, Sunday afternoon someone shouted, 'Pray it loud, Brother Rufus, pray it loud' and the name stuck." He shook Jared's hand again, offering a bright smile. "Call me what you want."

"Just don't call him late for lunch." Brett stuck his hand out to Brother Rufus and shook it vigorously.

Jared pulled Jensen to the side. "He's the pastor here?"

"Yeah," Jensen said, softly. "I mean, yes, he lets us use this room in his church hall for free. He's a, well, he was a member. Doesn't attend regular meetings any more but occasionally comes by to speak to the group."

"Is everything okay?" Jared looked him in the eye. "Are you okay with that?"

Jensen pasted a smile on. "Of course I'm okay. Brother Rufus is a powerful speaker. I think you'll be impressed and inspired by him. And, as Lorraine said, he helped her a lot early on."

"Plus," Jared said, "it is his church."

"Yes, so there's no way around it." Jensen maintained his faux grin and patted Jared on the back before sitting in his computer chair.

"Brother Rufus, welcome," Jensen said. "I believe you've met everyone. The floor is all yours."

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The Reverend stood before the group and took them all in.

"Thank you, Lorraine, for inviting me and thank you, Jensen, for letting me talk to everybody tonight. Good to see some old faces," he smiled at Drew, "and some new ones, too." He tipped his head to Jared.

"It's good that y'all are here 'cause that means you're looking forward."

Brother Rufus had a strong, quiet energy and it was easy to see that sitting still was difficult for him. His whole body spoke as he walked, lifted his voice, and raised his hands.

"But forward ain't always a easy place to go, but here we are. If it's okay, I'll start by telling you all my story."

Jensen glanced at Jared who looked calm and interested.

"I met my wife, Keisha, at a church service where her daddy was a preacher. I was seventeen and she was sixteen. I'd already made up my mind to work for God's church, been preachin' since I was a boy, but didn't know the kind of Reverend I wanted to be. My religion was mushy, but my faith was strong, so I shopped around for a good church, a good match. When Keisha's father, the Reverend Louis Jones, spoke the Lord's words, as soon as they were out of his mouth, I knew I'd found my church. After my first date with Keisha, I knew I'd found my woman. She was the love of my life, and I was a happy man.

"Because I drove a big ol' Buick, one of my domestic chores was chauffeuring family to and from church services, picnics, school functions, you name it. I was on the road a lot." Brother Rufus chuckled softly, "My girl had a big family."

His eyes went glassy for a moment. "That day, Keisha and me were driving the last family member home from her daddy, the Reverend's, birthday celebration. He turned eighty-one that day, praise God. Lavonne was Keisha's youngest sister, and out of that whole family, I knew that Vonnie was her favorite.

"It's a story that'll sound all too familiar, there wasn't nothing extraordinary about that day. No wet roads, no foggy windshields, just a kid going too fast in his dad's pick-up. T-boned me on the passenger's side where my wife and sister-in-law were scrunched up against the doors gossiping. All three died at the scene. Keisha, Vonnie, and Kyle. Kyle Miller was seventeen, not a drop of anything in his blood. No drugs, no alcohol, no Benadryl, only youthful exuberance. And me?"

Here, Brother Rufus took a breath.

"A headache and a broken wrist." He shook his head. "How can such a thing take three lives and leave me without a mark?" He held up his arm and rolled down his sleeve. "Not even a scar showin' where my wrist got broke." His eyes quick glanced at Jensen's crutch.

"But what did get broke was my faith. Why would God use his mighty hand to sweep away two pious women and a child? How could I continue to give my life to Him and honor Him when He took so much for no reason? But as the poet said: God moves in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform." The Reverend smiled to himself before saying, "The road back to faith was rocky, but it held firm."

Brother Rufus held up his finger. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna be preaching, Jensen. I'm not gonna go any farther than to say that there can be powerful faith after the horrors we all have faced. We can find peace in ourselves and with God, again, because he is always with us, and He loves us beyond all measure.

"There's one more thing I have to say-this real thing I have to say-I gotta remind each and every one of you that we are still here. Let me say it again. We. Are. Still. Here. We gotta respect that. I don't know why we escaped death, because it ain't my place to second-guess the Almighty, but I believe we have work to do and we must not take this life, this fragile, fleeting life, for granted. We owe it to the memories of the ones who are no longer here, to live our lives for us and for them. To be kind to others and kind to ourselves. This, this, I believe." He looked at Jensen. "And I know Jensen believes that, too, 'cause that's what he said when I sat down at my first meeting of the Soul Survivors."



"It seemed like Brother Rufus was focusing a lot of his speech on you, tonight." Jared said. They were sitting on Jared's couch with soft music playing in the background.

"He was," Jensen admitted.

"Why?"

Jensen took a deep breath and then another. Jared saw him clamp his lip with his teeth. Finally, he appeared to have amassed the resolve he needed for this conversation. "So, you know that I'm a copy editor?"

"As a deflection, that's not a very good one." He nudged Jensen's shoulder with his.

"Wasn't trying to deflect." Jensen smiled, sadly. "Before I became a copy editor, I had a whole different future mapped out. One that I'd worked on my entire life."

Jared waited patiently.

"I was a Divinity major at the university, working on my Masters in Divinity before going for my Masters in Theology. I was going to make my faith my profession. You know, blessed is the man who can make a living…" Jensen said, sadly.

Jared took Jensen's hand. "Happy is the man who can make a living by his hobby. George Bernard Shaw wrote that."

Jensen sniffed and nodded. "My faith was challenged by the accident-and my faith lost."

It would be disingenuous to pretend that Jared didn't understand what caused Jensen to lose faith. Instead, he asked, "What religion were you?"

"I was brought up Catholic, but became an Episcopalian. They had ordained an openly gay bishop back in 2003 plus a couple of lesbian friends of mine were married in an Episcopalian church two years before the accident." Jensen shrugged. "I wanted to be a part of a church that didn't care about that aspect of my life. They seemed to only care about my devotion to the church and commitment to the community rather than my sexuality."

Jared licked his lips before he spoke. "Some Catholic parishes have a strong LGBT inclusion. I was part of a gay outreach group at my church. I still go to Mass every now and then."

"Why?" Jensen sounded like he wanted to know.

"Because being around prayerful people centers me and calms me. I find comfort in the holy rituals of the Mass."

Jensen wiped his face with his hand. "I'm glad for you. I'm glad you didn't lose that."

Jared twined his fingers with Jensen's. "Maybe yours isn't lost, either. Maybe your faith is just hiding?"

"No, it's gone." Jensen took his hand back. "Everything I ever knew about a just and loving God was blown away by a runaway truck."

"It doesn't always…"

"God had me, Jay. He had all of me. He was my life, my vocation and my future. Everything I did, everything I had, I gave happily in His name and to His service. Everything I was, belonged to God. Everything-and still, it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough. And I have nothing left to give. That accident took my mobility, my vocation, my golf game," he chuckled, sadly, "and my future."

Jared tried to take his hand again, but Jensen waved him away.

"It didn't happen right away. After I got out of the hospital with my first clunky brace and shiny new wheelchair, I was still hopeful about my relationship with God. At first, I gave him a pass. This had nothing to do with God. He must have blinked and missed that red light. I denied his whole involvement and figured that once he realized what happened, he'd fix my leg and ease my heart."

Jensen repositioned on the couch, looking away from Jared.

"After that, I got angry. I was furious at everything and everyone. The moving company, the bus company, the woman and child I gave my seat to, Jim, myself for not getting my Kia's oil changed in time. And, of course, topping the list, God Almighty." He turned his head to Jared. "You see where this is going, don't you?"

Jared sighed sadly, and reached for Jensen's hand again-successfully this time. Stage one, denial. Stage two, anger, followed by bargaining, depression and, ultimately, acceptance.

"Then I thought of all sorts of good deals for God, and I made him several offers including the prime real estate of my soul for all eternity. I even threw in some everlasting devotion to sweeten the pot. I kept trying to come up with more and more incentives-offers that were just too good to refuse until I realized that I didn't even know what I was bargaining for. For the accident not to have happened? That wouldn't work. To feel nothing about those people sitting in a bus crushed to death by a semi? I didn't want that. To buy back God's love? Bingo. So I promised God that I wouldn't bargain with him again if he would just love me the way he used to. Which, of course, was me bargaining with God again."

All Jared could do was listen, because there were no words to fix this. Jensen's lips were bitten raw, but his eyes were dry and his words were steady when he said, "Then, one day, I couldn't get out of bed, and it had nothing to do with my hurt leg. Looking back, I entered the stages of depression and acceptance at the same time, because, Jared…"

Jensen's throat worked and his eyes were blurred by unshed tears. Jared held his breath and didn't move.

"Jared, a God who loved me would never have done this to me."

One tear slipped from Jensen's eye, and then another. He took a deep breath and leaned into Jared.

Jared hugged both arms around him and held on tight. Jared felt the soft shaking of Jensen's shoulders, and the heavy hitching of his chest, but, other than that, Jensen's grief was silent. They sat like that until Jensen got hold of his breathing.

"What happened next?" Jared softly stroked across Jensen's back.

Jensen sat up and wiped his face with his sleeve. He sniffed and said, "I realized I had to make a decision. To live, or not."

Jared tightened his hold around Jensen.

"You know you had to make the same decision, Jay."

Jared silently agreed.

"Though, all of a sudden it was a whole new paradigm. You see, I did what Matthew said in the bible, I came to God like a child-dependent and trusting. I believed that when I died I would be met by God and the angels, all patting me on the back, congratulating me for a life well lived and a job well done. I had no doubts about that.

"Suddenly I was scared shitless and too terrified to die. I'm not here because I was courageous, like you said before. I wanted to die. I wanted it over and done with. But because God was no longer in heaven looking down on me and approving of me, I didn't know what lay ahead. I hated living, but was too fucking afraid to die.

"I guess I believed in sin but not salvation." Jensen blew out a breath. "In the end, it was cowardice that kept me alive."

"That's bullshit." Jared gritted his teeth to keep from shouting. "You are the bravest, kindest, most spiritual person I have ever met. You've got some facts about your value in God's eyes wrong, and you are many things, but cowardly isn't one of them."

"You like me. You can't see me."

"I love you, and I see you just fine." Jared hadn't planned on saying that, but it was out and he wasn't taking it back.

Jensen tugged out from under Jared's arm to place soft kisses on Jared's knuckles. "When you really know me, you'll change your mind about that."

"Not likely." Jared said. "Can I say some things that might make you mad, even though I'm not trying to make you mad?"

Jensen sighed. "Go for it."

"What you don't realize, is that you are carrying on God's work. Maybe not in name, but most definitely in spirit."

"No, Jared. I'm doing it for me. To ease my guilt. As Drew and I talked about, I'm atoning for the sin of surviving. They all died, except me and Jim."

"And Jim is glad you're alive. He's glad you made it. He's back to driving buses and probably razzing on the passengers to stay behind the white lines."

"Jim's different."

"Jim was the driver. He was the driver, Jensen. He's alive, he's carrying on with his life, and he was unhurt-without a way to atone."

"You'd better stop, now." Jensen withdrew from all comfort and folded his hands in his lap.

"Listen, please listen," Jared begged. "Jensen, you never gave up on your life's work because your ministry is us. You help us. Counsel us. Grieve with us. You give us hope. You make us believe that there is a light shining at the end of a long, dark tunnel."

Jensen focused on Jared's face. "What are you saying?"

"Jen, that light you shine for us comes from somewhere."

Jensen dropped his head down. "No."

"Yes. The only way you could help us was by living through what we went through. By walking a mile in our shoes. We are your ministry, and your accident was, I don't know, your crown of thorns. You couldn't help us, save us-save me-unless you walked that road with us. It's not fair, it's not right, but it happened and you continued your mission-maybe God's mission-despite your lapse of faith. After all, we are Soul Survivors." Jared paused. "Maybe you have more faith than you realize."

"That's it, Jared, I don't," Jensen said. "How could I, when God is playing chess with human pieces? A car crash here, a mall shooting there, a disease that zeroes in and kills children? I want nothing to do with it. God had nothing to gain. He already had my devotion. He didn't have to take my leg." His voice faltered. "All those people, Jared. He killed Lindy. He killed those soldiers. He killed Robbie, and Keisha, and I can't. I can't forgive it."

"He didn't kill me," Jared said.

"Thank God." Jensen looked up, horrified. "Thank God you didn't die."

"Look who you thanked," Jared said. "I thank God for you every day, too."

"It's an expression." Jensen's voice shook. "It's a habit."

"Maybe."

Jensen clenched his jaw. "Calling on God, or even praying to God is just an ingrained pattern with me. It doesn't mean anything."

"It might, Jen."

Jared watched Jensen's expressions go through a myriad of emotions.

"You don't have to overthink it, make any decisions or even say a word," Jared said. "But you might want to think of today as stepping onto the bottom rung of another ladder."

"I don't think I can do it." Jensen's voice was sandpaper rough.

"You'll never know unless you try. And I want you to know, I'm hanging on and I won't let you fall if you decide to climb. So, take your time, because you and me?" Jared smiled. "We've got all the time in the world."

Jensen sobbed a laugh. "I don't know what I want to do, but I do know that I want you with me. And not because I like you."

"No?"

"No." Jensen's wet lips kissed Jared's dry ones. "Because I love you, too."



This time, Jensen beat Jeff to Benny's Tavern. He took a swallow of the dark ale and placed his locked leg up on the chair in front of him.

"That for me?" Jeff pointed to the draft beer sitting next to plates of French fries and Mozzarella sticks.

"That's for you. Thanks for meeting with me tonight. I know you just got back." Jensen raised his glass.

Jeff tapped it with his. "Salute."

They both gulped down a healthy mouthful, and Jeff started in on the appetizers.

"I've got burgers coming, too." Jensen swirled his fry in a puddle of ketchup. "How was your vacation?"

"It was great, but I'm glad to be back." Jeff dipped a cheese stick into the marinara. "So, what's up? I know this isn't just a guy's night out thing. What's on your mind?"

Jensen looked at Jeff, thought a minute and came to a decision. "I was in over my head and almost lost control of a...situation."

Jeff stilled. "What do you mean you almost lost control?"

"You know what I mean." Jensen put his glass down. "I got to the person in time and talked them down, but it was by the grace," Jensen swallowed and nodded to himself, "it was by the grace of God that he didn't do something awful."

"Who was it?" Jeff narrowed his eyes

"He's okay, now."

They stared at one another until Jensen nodded and then looked away.

"Jesus, Jensen. He didn't call me, he didn't call Lehne. I didn't know."

"I didn't know it was that bad until I got to his house. He either hit bottom fast, or I didn't see the signs. That was too close." Jensen balled his hands into fists. "I don't think I should be doing this anymore."

"Doing what? Running a discussion group?"

"Stop it, Jeff."

"Jensen, that's all the Soul Survivors group is. It's a discussion group, not a formal group therapy session and it's not supposed to be. But you need to recognize when things are out of your purview."

"I think the group has become more than just a discussion group," Jensen said. "It's a lifeline. For me and for the others."

"Maybe we should come up with a plan emphasizing suicide prevention and resources for outside services." Jeff scratched at his beard, thinking. "You and I might need to revamp the format of the group."

"That's a good idea." Jensen took another swallow.

Jeff paused and then said, softly, "Maybe Soul Survivors should be headed by someone with more qualifications than a copy editor. A psychologist or even a psychiatrist. Someone with training, who would have a better chance of catching the symptoms of a major depressive decline before the situation got dire."

Jensen's heart clenched. Give up his group? But it was obvious that he badly misread Jared's situation. Jensen admitted that possibly the only reason Jared was still here was because he accidently made Jared promise not to kill himself. That was too close. Maybe having a trained professional take the helm was the way to go, but he hoped he could still work with the group in some capacity.

"So," Jensen pushed out the next sentence. "Do you have someone in mind to take charge of Soul Survivors?"

"As a matter of fact, I do." Jeff leaned back and tipped his half-full glass in Jensen's direction. "You."

Jensen's eyes went wide and his mouth opened. "Me?"

"You've got a fair amount of college under your belt. Why not steer a course toward being a clinician? See how much you like the insurance companies when you're sitting on my side of the desk."

Jensen stared over Jeff's shoulder at nothing. "Me?"

"Jen, you're a natural, and you would make an amazing counselor, therapist, group leader, doctor or all of the above. You already are."

"I don't know if I can," Jensen said, but as he uttered those words he felt a wash of peace flow over him and he knew. He knew.

"You can do this, but you're the one who has to take that first step." Jeff put his glass down when the waitress came with their burgers.

After the food was distributed and more beer ordered, Jensen looked at his friend and asked, "So, what do I have to do to become a shrink?"



"I know I should be nicer to you and let you win once in a while, but, man, you suck at Madden NFL."

Jensen threw the controller down on the sofa cushion. "Maybe, but I'd kick your ass at Scrabble."

"Oooh." Jared hissed through his teeth. "So not a turn-on. But, now that I think about it, I'd probably take you to the cleaners in a winner-take-all game of Candyland."

"You're right," Jensen agreed. "Not a turn-on."

Jared placed his controller on the side table, and faced Jensen. "So, are you going to do it?"

Jensen took a big breath and let it out slowly. "Yeah. I'm gonna do it."

"You'll be awesome. You're already awesome, and I'm not just saying that because I like you."

"I'm excited about it, Jay. I didn't know how much I wanted to go back to school and learn how to run a group for real."

"News flash. You already run a group for real," Jared said.

"Full disclosure, okay?" Jensen bit his lip.

Jared knew that look, but there wasn't anything Jensen could say that would upset him up. "Go ahead."

"I told Jeff that I'd almost lost you."

"You did?"

"Yes. I didn't use your name, but he had no problem figuring it out." Jensen didn't look at him when he said, "I meant for him to."

"I see." Jared said. "So after you told him about me, that's when he talked to you about becoming a psychologist?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I broke the rule."

"Well, technically we weren't in group, so the whatever happens in group, stays in group rule doesn't exactly apply. But, if by telling Jeff about me you were able to change the course of your life for the better, then, I forgive you."

"You do?" Jensen looked so hopeful it broke Jared's heart.

"Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?"

"Because I betrayed a confidence." Jensen frowned. "I betrayed your trust."

"You did what you did with love, not malice. I recognize that, so it's okay. In fact, I don't feel I need to forgive you at all, since you didn't actually use my name, but I thought you might need me to."

"Thank you."

"Jen, can I tell you something and you won't make fun?"

"Anything, Jay."

"I believe that the people we meet in life, we're meant to meet them, you know? I met you so you could help me, you met me so I could help you. We both met Jeff so that he could help us, and so on."

"I believe that, too." Jensen said, softly. "I think we're drawn to special people so that we can teach them and learn lessons from them as well. I've learned so much from you."

"We're lucky, you and I. We've got an entire lifetime ahead of us to keep growing, moving forward," Jared smiled, "slipping backward, but going forward again. Recovery is like that. You taught me that. We're riding that wave together."

Jensen buried his head in the crook of Jared's neck. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you for everything."

Jared held him close and mumbled into Jensen's hair. "Love you. Love you so much."

"So much bad has happened, but you are one of the good things in my life." Jensen placed his palm on Jared's chest.

Jared looked into his eyes and said, "You've helped me, and others, see that there's still good left in life. You're responsible for reawakening hope in so many people. I like that I'm special to someone as remarkable as you."

"Jared, you're more than special. I've never been in love before. None of the relationships I've ever had come close to this."

"I thought I was in love once, but now I know that I was wrong," Jared said, kissing him gently and pulling him in. "I want to show you how much I love you."

"I'd like that." Jensen got as close as he could, then huffed.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not very graceful," he grunted, as he tried to shift on the sofa cushions. "Or very limber."

"I'm not graceful either." Jared grinned. "But I'm limber enough for two."

Jensen made a sound between a gasp and a snort, started chuckling and then threw his head back and let go a laugh. It was a full, deep, belly laugh that Jared had never heard come out of Jensen. It was the best sound ever, and he couldn't help but join in.

"You're going to have to prove that," Jensen said, snickering. "It certainly conjured an image."

The air was lighter after that, and the mood was easy. Jared took advantage of Jensen's position, immovable and scrunched up in the corner of his couch, and started laying kisses up and down Jensen's chest and neck.

"You're not playing fair," Jensen moaned. "You know I can't get away."

"I'm a bad, bad man."

Jensen hummed either in agreement or in pleasure.

Jared was placing open mouth kisses along Jensen's jawline when a thought occurred to him. He stopped mid-kiss and asked, "Are you still a virgin?"

Jensen laughed. "No, why would you think so?"

"You once told me that you didn't do casual sex. I wondered if that meant you'd never had any, like, real sex."

Jensen laughed again and then turned squarely toward Jared. "I don't do casual sex because, to me, sex has to mean something. It's too important when one human being is as close to another as they can possibly get."

"Then we've been having sex for a while, because I've never been as open or as close to anyone as I have been with you."

A small smile formed on Jensen's lips. "You have a unique way with words. I guess that's one of the many things I love about you."

Jared stopped and looked at Jensen.

"Everything all right, there, Jay?"

"You've seen me at my ultimate worst and you can still say that you love me. I would use a word like 'miracle' if you'd let me."

"I feel the same way, so I'm using the word 'miracle', too." A blush rose in Jensen's cheeks. "I've also been thanking God for you on a regular basis."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Jensen said. "I'm trying. I've really, really missed Him."

Jared whispered, "I'm going to start kissing you now, and I can't promise that I'll ever stop."

Jensen's breath was warm when he said, "I'm okay with that."

"And then, after you've been kissed to within an inch of your life, I'm kissing you some more."

Jared proceeded to make good on his claim and took Jensen's face between his hands, tilted his head just so and kissed him with an open mouth and a hot, wet tongue. Jensen's hands held onto him, suckling his tongue until breathing became a necessity. They broke apart, panting.

"Wow," Jared said. "Let's do that again." And he went to dive back in.

"Wait, wait." Jensen put up a stop hand. "I've having some trouble with the angle here."

Jared's lips curled into a grin. "Think maybe a more reclined position with a whole lot less clothes would be more comfortable?"

Jensen smiled shyly then tapped on his brace hidden beneath his loose slacks. "Do you think you're ready to see what's under this hardware?"

"I am, if you are."

"I, uh, won't be able to stand on that leg with the brace off, and I only have one crutch with me, so I'll have to be sitting where I'm going to be staying for a while. Also, I have scars on my leg and low back from the accident and subsequent surgeries. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm kind of awed that you'll let me in that far."

Jensen smiled fondly as he shook his head no. "I'm only warning you beforehand. Some parts of me aren't as nice to look at as other parts of me."

"As long as nothing hurts you, I don't care. It doesn't matter to me how you walk or what scars you carry. Do you believe me?"

"Yes, I believe you."

"However, it doesn't hurt that you're smoking hot."

Jensen chuckled. "That another thing I love about you."

Jared leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss. "Seriously, though. Don't let me hurt you."

"I won't."

"We don't have to go all the way. There are other things we can do."

"Jared?"

"Yes?"

"It's okay. I want this."

Jared calmed himself because he didn't want to rush and he didn't want to let any words get in the way. He stood and held out his hands. Jensen hoisted himself up and walked with his cumbersome, endearing gait beside Jared into the bedroom.

If Jensen came to the church as a child, Jared went to sleep like one. There were paintings, posters, and photographs of wildlife, sea life, pasturelands, dogs, cats, farm animals and fields of grain with siloes in silhouette on the horizon. There was a particularly nice portrait of a black and white Holstein painted in acrylics, matted and framed beside Jared's dresser.

The shades were wide open, and the window was open a crack, letting fresh air in. The acres of freshly sprouting fields in the distance, bathed in the light of the Waning Gibbous moon, became part of the décor. The only other time Jensen had been in here, Jared's life was falling apart and the beauty of his life's passion was masked in darkness.

Jared felt a little embarrassed about the pictures plastered all over his bedroom, but before he could say anything, Jensen said, "I love it. This is your room."

Jared could tell that he wasn't teasing him, because Jensen spoke with such affection.

Jensen sat on the edge of Jared's king-size bed and pulled off his slacks, socks and shoes. Then he undid all the straps and d-ring Velcro closures that held the brace around his thigh, knee, calf, ankle, and foot. Jensen pulled the brace clear and handed it off. It was a lot bigger than Jared imagined. He carefully placed it on his desk, while Jensen removed the stockinette, the soft, stretch cotton, he wore underneath it.

Jensen was in his shirt and boxers. Without looking up he said, "Are you going to join me? I'm feeling a little underdressed here."

Jared knelt between Jensen's legs and looked up at him. Jensen looked halfway between embarrassed and aroused. Jared pulled his own shirt and undershirt up over his head, and then leaned down to kiss the inside of the Jensen's left thigh. The skin was scarred and rough and the muscles had atrophied-making his left leg look as thin as a child's compared to his right. He pressed soft kisses along the scars that outlined his misshapen knee and kissed the bones through the skin where the muscle should be.

Jensen's arms came around Jared's neck and forced his face up. "Come up here with me," Jensen said.

Jared stood, unbuckled and unzipped, and joined Jensen in nothing but the skin he was born in.

Jensen stared a moment, then removed the rest of his clothes.

They laid down facing each other, skin to skin and breath to breath, Jared said, "It's like after all that's happened, I've been given a reward. I don't feel like I deserve you."

"You're just saying that because you like me." Jensen's eyes shone bright.

"I don't just like you. I can't imagine me without you."

Jensen sighed, dramatically. "Guess that means I can't get rid of you then?"

"Okay, with that attitude right there? I've changed my mind about having sex with you tonight."

"Oh, yeah?" Jensen turned and propped up on his right elbow. Jared saw that Jensen was already half hard.

"Yeah," Jared said, softly. He opened his hand and ran his palm over Jensen's left shoulder, down his arm, ribs, hip and thigh. Jensen shivered under his touch. "I'm going to make love to you."

"Oh, yes." Jensen lay down on his back, adjusted so that his left leg was straight and smiled up at him. "Do that."



Jared smiled as he loomed over Jensen. The heaviness in Jensen's heart that had been there for so long turned to smoke and drifted into the ether. He breathed in, and when he breathed out just as easily, thought the word miracle applied here, too.

Jared straddled Jensen's thighs and his kisses started at the edge of Jensen's jaw to the dip of his collarbone. Moist, open mouthed kisses progressed down and across Jensen's chest. The tip of Jared's tongue circled Jensen's left nipple and then his right. Jensen sighed deeply and relaxed under the affection that was being showered upon him.

Jared shuffled down the bed nipping tiny bite kisses along the length of Jensen's body until Jared's hot breath hovered above Jensen's erect cock.

"Can I?" Jared asked.

Jensen closed his eyes. "Yeah."

Jared stroked Jensen's dick, getting the feel if it, almost caressing it with his long, capable fingers. He held Jensen firm at the base as he planted soft, soft kisses on the head and down the shaft. Jared hummed around the length of Jensen's cock as it swelled to full hardness in his mouth.

"Jay, Jay, Jay," Jensen whisper-chanted. He was so hard it was almost painful. Almost.

Jared leaned into Jensen, taking him all the way down his throat. Jensen clutched the sheets and breathed out, holding on as best he could.

Jared softly bobbed up and down and Jensen opened his eyes to watch. Jared's eyes were closed and there were tiny teardrops clinging to the ends of his lashes. A sheen of sweat covered Jared's body and the light from the moon made him glow. He was beautiful and alive and he loved Jensen.

A particularly pleasurable tug on his cock along with the suction Jared placed upon it, had Jensen groaning, "I'm close, Jay. Close."

Jared pulled off immediately, gently grabbing and holding the base of Jensen's cock as he wiped his mouth on the inside of Jensen's leg.

"Not yet, Jen, please. I have plans for this," Jared said as he tenderly stroked up and down.

"Plans?" Jensen whimpered.

Jared's chest and face were flushed. Jensen's eyes traveled down to where Jared's erection bobbed thick and heavy between his legs. Jensen groaned again and Jared had to squeeze a little bit tighter.

"Here," Jared took Jensen's hand and circled it around the base of Jensen's cock. "Hold on and don't let go-in any sense of those words."

Jensen held on to his own erection, stroking lightly, without any real friction but enough to take the edge off.

Jared held onto his own hard-on, panting loudly for several seconds. After he was back in control he said, "Watch."

Jared went to the top drawer of his dresser and pulled out a bottle of lube and a string of condoms.

"See, I have plans for you." Jared's eyes were alight with mischief. He took the lube and squirted a good amount in his hand and thoroughly wet his fingers. He bent forward and began working himself open in front of Jensen. Then he reached back to make a thorough job of it.

Jensen swallowed and held onto his cock so it wouldn't burst. "Jar…Jared," Jensen stuttered. "That is the hottest thing I've ever seen."

"Keep watching, then." Jared thrust in two then three fingers as far as he could and rocked back and forth, calmly and relaxing into it. Jared closed his eyes and continued to work on himself.

Jensen's breathing became erratic. His grip was sweaty on his cock, and he was fairly sure his heart would explode if he didn't come very soon.

"Everything all right, there, Jen?" Jared asked, mimicking Jensen from earlier.

"Are you kidding?" Jensen rasped. He was holding on for dear life, now, afraid of flying off the bed if he let go of his dick.

After a few more turns, Jared removed his fingers, wiped them off on his discarded undershirt and got up on the bed on all fours. He held up the condom and asked, "Are you ready?"

"Uh huh." Jensen had to strain his voice to get that out.

Jared smoothed the condom down over Jensen's cock, added a generous amount of slick and said, "Watch. This is what being limber means for us."

Jensen held firm to the base of his erection as Jared, again, straddled Jensen's body. He rose up on his knees, pulled his ass cheeks apart and began slowly lowering himself down.

"Oh. My. God," Jensen growled.

Jensen bent his right knee and helped by pushing up as Jared slid down, inch by inch, stopping every few seconds to adjust. Slowly, as Jensen filled Jared's body Jensen found himself holding tighter and tighter to keep himself under control. Jared was unstoppable. Moving downward until he sat squarely on top of Jensen and fully seated. Jared put up a finger to signal wait, and took two or three deep breaths. After another moment, Jensen felt Jared squeeze his muscles playfully around Jensen's dick.

Jared grinned, and using his powerful thighs, pumped up and down, pushing Jensen deep into the mattress.

"This okay?" Jared panted.

"Holy shit," Jensen agreed as he feebly pushed up one legged. His low back clenched and his left leg bounced, but it didn't get any worse.

Jared, on the other hand appeared to appreciate the effort. His eyes rolled back in his head as he rose up and down, squeezing and releasing his inner muscles, holding for a few seconds before thrusting downward to pummel into Jensen deeper and deeper.

Jensen gave up even trying. "Close."

"Go for it," Jared said breathlessly.

Jensen pushed up once, twice and on the third he let loose, shooting hot and hard, filling the condom deep inside Jared.

Jared rose up with Jensen still inside and took his own swollen dick in hand. He pulled twice before every muscle tensed and he threw back his head. He groaned deep from his chest and then spilled messily over Jensen's chest and neck, with a few dabs of come sprinkling onto Jensen's face.

The room smelled of sex and sweat and apple blossoms from the open window. Jared was panting, gasping in deep breaths, and chuckling.

Jensen lazily opened his eyes to see Jared looking down on him with a wide grin. "And I can do it backwards, too."

Jensen laughed breathlessly as Jared carefully lifted off. He peeled the condom off and took it into the bathroom. Jared returned several minutes later with a wet, warm cloth and handed it to Jensen.

"Stay with me tonight," Jared said, lying down and rolling next to Jensen. "It's already almost tomorrow."

Jensen finished wiping himself down and sighed. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I don't have my wheelchair and only have one crutch, so I can't get up in the middle of the night if I have to," Jensen was embarrassed to admit. "Putting the brace on to go to the bathroom, or to get up and stretch out my back, isn't practical."

"Does your back hurt now?"

"Just a twinge. It's not bad."

"Let me see. I have other talents, too."

Jared helped Jensen carefully roll onto his right side. Jensen knew there were surgical scars crisscrossing his back and hip. He couldn't see Jared's face, but he felt two warm hands stroke up and down his low back and buttocks.

"You should get used to me helping you when you need it," Jared whispered as he kneaded Jensen's tight muscles. "I won't mind helping you in and out of the bathroom if you stay tonight. Afterwards, we'll make sure you have a set of crutches here. After all," his breath was warm at Jensen's ear, "that's what boyfriends are for."

"I guess since you put it like that." Jensen was sleepy enough that he was willing to risk the embarrassment of needing assistance for an early morning bathroom break.

"Or, you could move in here and always have whatever you need, whenever you need it. Misha would love my couch."

Jensen could barely stay awake. Jared's firm hands and soft voice were soothing and sweet. As he drifted off to sleep he heard a congregation of people singing and saw that he and Jared were among them. There were bright lights and a prism of colors. An overwhelming sense of peace enveloped him right before he heard the sound of his own snoring. His last image was of one braced leg stepping up onto the rung of a ladder reaching high into sunny, white clouds.
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On To Epilogue

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