Leaving Sam
Mrs. Brown (my principal) called me earlier this week to see if I could come in for the faculty meeting tomorrow, which runs from 12:15 to 3:00. Although she stressed that I was still on maternity leave and could make the decision NOT to come in, she also made it clear that there were going to be some major changes announced and it would be in my best interest to attend. I already knew Jason was working, so I called my mother. She also had to work. This left me one clear (and clearly unpleasant direction): Amanda's mother.
Let me be clear. I LIKE Amanda's mother. I think Amanda's mother is competent. It is my plan to leave Sam with Amanda's mother when I go back to work next fall. But at this particular moment in her development (clingy, partial, breastfeeding), the idea of leaving Sam with a near-stranger terrifies me. It is not that I believe anything AWFUL is going to happen. I am just worried that Sam is going to spend the three and a half hours I am gone wailing because her mother is not there to breastfeed her.
I packed everything she will need for tomorrow this afternoon so I would not forget something in a teary-eyed fog in the morning. She has extra diapers, extra clothes, more formula than she could possible drink, and her favorite toys and blanket. I typed up instructions including emergency phone numbers. We are as prepared as we possibly can be . . . I just don't think there's any adequate preparation for leaving your child with a non-family member for the first time.
Meanwhile, I am also stressing about my first (well, sort of) day back at work. I know I am not headed back full-time (I still have almost 4 months left before that particular hardship), but I am so out of practice that it makes me feel queasy. A meeting? With an itinerary? Notes? Possible tasks to accomplish? Egads! I hardly know how to talk to adults anymore. I spend my days in the land of Dr. Seuss, changing diapers and wiping up drool and buckling little seat belts (EVERYTHING has a little seat belt ... the stroller, the high chair, the car seat, the swing, the rocking chair . . .). My mental energy is directed toward questions like: "Is Samantha ready to start holding a sippy cup?" and "Which solid foods would be best to introduce first?"
I know tomorrow is a necessity. It's also a good trial run for something that will eventually -- sadly -- have to become routine. But I am NOT ready to leave my baby girl. Not even close.
Let me be clear. I LIKE Amanda's mother. I think Amanda's mother is competent. It is my plan to leave Sam with Amanda's mother when I go back to work next fall. But at this particular moment in her development (clingy, partial, breastfeeding), the idea of leaving Sam with a near-stranger terrifies me. It is not that I believe anything AWFUL is going to happen. I am just worried that Sam is going to spend the three and a half hours I am gone wailing because her mother is not there to breastfeed her.
I packed everything she will need for tomorrow this afternoon so I would not forget something in a teary-eyed fog in the morning. She has extra diapers, extra clothes, more formula than she could possible drink, and her favorite toys and blanket. I typed up instructions including emergency phone numbers. We are as prepared as we possibly can be . . . I just don't think there's any adequate preparation for leaving your child with a non-family member for the first time.
Meanwhile, I am also stressing about my first (well, sort of) day back at work. I know I am not headed back full-time (I still have almost 4 months left before that particular hardship), but I am so out of practice that it makes me feel queasy. A meeting? With an itinerary? Notes? Possible tasks to accomplish? Egads! I hardly know how to talk to adults anymore. I spend my days in the land of Dr. Seuss, changing diapers and wiping up drool and buckling little seat belts (EVERYTHING has a little seat belt ... the stroller, the high chair, the car seat, the swing, the rocking chair . . .). My mental energy is directed toward questions like: "Is Samantha ready to start holding a sippy cup?" and "Which solid foods would be best to introduce first?"
I know tomorrow is a necessity. It's also a good trial run for something that will eventually -- sadly -- have to become routine. But I am NOT ready to leave my baby girl. Not even close.