Motherhood and worry
Samantha has not been sleeping at night. She does not have colic by the strict definition (at least three hours of continuous crying three days a week), but she has colicky symptoms that begin every evening around 9:00 or so and continue until the wee hours of the morning. She does not wail constantly, but that is only because Jason and I take turns feeding, rocking, cuddling, and consoling her. She usually has one long stretch of sleeping during the day, but I often find that I struggle to sleep when she does. I have items that must be accomplished and, since I never know how long she'll be down, I feel like I am in a constant rush to wash dishes, finish laundry, and care for my own needs while she is dreaming. I am utterly exhausted. Thank goodness for Jason who, even with his insane work schedule, makes a point of spending a few hours in charge of her each night so I can get some rest.
There are moments when her needs overwhelm me. There are times (usually at 4:00 in the morning) when I think I have her asleep . . . and then she begins fussing two or three minutes later . . . and I feel SO defeated. But on the other hand, I can't stand being away from her. A trip to the store, which should feel like a reprieve, just turns into 45 minutes of aching to hold my daughter. When I fall asleep, I dream of her face and wake up abruptly (often with milk dripping down my stomach), wanting to see her.
I am not sure whether or not I'm doing a good job at being her mother. It's hard to tell when she's only 7 weeks old, and so much of my parenting energy is spent on breastfeeding, diaper changes, and clean-up. She is gaining weight and hitting her developmental milestones appropriately. When she's not suffering from her nighttime belly issues, she is generally a happy, smiley little girl. But I am plagued with doubts constantly. Is she getting enough breast milk? Is it wrong to supplement with formula? (When the alternative is her screaming because she doesn't feel full despite the fact that my breasts are empty . . .) Am I bathing her too often? (She loves baths, and they are one of the few things that calm her down when she is colicky.) Is she dressed appropriately for the weather? Should I be more concerned about the doggy kisses she gets all day, every day? Am I reading to her enough? Am I communicating with her appropriately? (In the right register, with the correct pauses) Should I be working harder to get her days and nights flipped around correctly? (Impossible, it seems, when night brings on her tummy troubles.)
I will be home with her full-time for another six months. I know I will work out these issues and add a plethora of new issues to the list. I've been worried about her since I found out I was pregnant. Worry is, I think, an integral part of motherhood.
There are moments when her needs overwhelm me. There are times (usually at 4:00 in the morning) when I think I have her asleep . . . and then she begins fussing two or three minutes later . . . and I feel SO defeated. But on the other hand, I can't stand being away from her. A trip to the store, which should feel like a reprieve, just turns into 45 minutes of aching to hold my daughter. When I fall asleep, I dream of her face and wake up abruptly (often with milk dripping down my stomach), wanting to see her.
I am not sure whether or not I'm doing a good job at being her mother. It's hard to tell when she's only 7 weeks old, and so much of my parenting energy is spent on breastfeeding, diaper changes, and clean-up. She is gaining weight and hitting her developmental milestones appropriately. When she's not suffering from her nighttime belly issues, she is generally a happy, smiley little girl. But I am plagued with doubts constantly. Is she getting enough breast milk? Is it wrong to supplement with formula? (When the alternative is her screaming because she doesn't feel full despite the fact that my breasts are empty . . .) Am I bathing her too often? (She loves baths, and they are one of the few things that calm her down when she is colicky.) Is she dressed appropriately for the weather? Should I be more concerned about the doggy kisses she gets all day, every day? Am I reading to her enough? Am I communicating with her appropriately? (In the right register, with the correct pauses) Should I be working harder to get her days and nights flipped around correctly? (Impossible, it seems, when night brings on her tummy troubles.)
I will be home with her full-time for another six months. I know I will work out these issues and add a plethora of new issues to the list. I've been worried about her since I found out I was pregnant. Worry is, I think, an integral part of motherhood.